smartass1379

"But what sucks worse is waking up day after day to realise that not only does the addict not love you, you don't love yourself anymore either."

This really struck a cord with me, its one of the few times I was able to cry. l don't think I can move forward without thinking he loved me. Because our relationship wasn't one sided. He paid for dinners/ outings and he was emotionally available for me. He had to essentially come out to everyone when he asked me to be his boyfriend and was very boisterous about it.

But then the doubts creep in and I think "what if he never loved you, why else would he be so quick to turn on me during this program"

I just wish he would talk to me so I could get some answers. It would be easier if he just said "I don't love you" I would be able to walk away.

Tonight has been rough because its been a week since I last heard from him.

Thank you for the replies and for the love and support. These forums really keep me feeling better about things.

JOIE12

this may be off base but I have days where I believe he loved me and days that he didn't. This is what addiction does. To the addict and to their loved ones.

So ... I decided that I will believe that he loved me but live each day without letting that change my decision to live again. Sacrificing your life for someone who picked up in the first place, someone who doesn't seem to care that it's sucking the life out of themselves and everyone else - someone who CANT care because of what happened to their brain. It's a losing situation and no amount of love will ever convince the survivors that they should have stayed. So many of the people around my XABF are now dead or in jail. I prayed for his pain to end. For him to not have to fight this battle anymore. I never dreamed it would be thru death. God has his own plan and for whatever reason, he's at peace now. And I am because I had made that decision to leave. To walk away and let him figure it out. I can't imagine where I would be today if I hadn't made that choice and he died that night. It released me from a pain that I don't think the rest of my days could heal.

I understand exactly what you are talking about and I know what your pain feels like but truthfully - there is no other realistic option with opiate/heroin addicts.

I am so sorry

smartass1379

Hello Joie12, your story sounds like how my story is going to end. Today we finally talked and he went from saying "I love you and I want to do this so we can build a. better life together. " "stay in touch with my family so that when they visit you can come"
To saying: "I have a really demented twisted mind and I don't think being with a guy is for me"

I asked him "is it a physical thing, are you not attracted to me? " and he replied "I loved everything we were and you are beautiful guy, but being with a. guy is not right for me"

We had been dating for over a year and in a fully committed relationship for a little over 5 months, almost a year and a half. How does one week in rehab change that? I'm close to all of his friends, even his best friend and when I told him what happened, no one believed it and came to the conclusion that whatever they are telling him at the rehab center is really brainwashing him.

I know he loved me because for the first 3 months of the relationship he was completely sober. I made sure he was taking Suboxyn (probably not spelled right) and we were spending nearly every day/ night together.

His mom had been saying that after getting sober my ABF would now want to be with me and that the drugs had warped his mind, but he had been curious about his sexuality before meeting me. His ex Girl friend is my biggest supporter and she says he has always been attracted to men.

This leads me to believe that in this weakened state at rehab they have been lobbying against our relationship. At the end of the conversation I asked him so are you fully straight now and he replied "No, I fall in love with the person not the sex" So I know he is still confused.

I just don't know how he goes from being in love with me and wanting to build a better life together to not.

Please, if you have any advice that would help I would greatly appreciate it.

cynical one

Becoming unsure about an existing relationship or entering into a rehab romance with someone they just met at rehab is a common occurrence. Their emotions are going from 0 to 100 every couple of minutes and the reactions to their loved ones are go away, come back, go away, come back. Doesn't make it right, or any less painful.

Best advice I can give is to work on you, focus on you, force yourself to live a full life every day...even when you don't want to or feel like it. And, don't push or grill him for answers right now.

smartass1379

Cynical One,
Thank you for your kind words they give me solace. I'm not holding my breath because more than likely he is bonding with someone at the Rehab center. I know he is a weakened state of mind and having someone there who is going through the same thing only makes him more susceptible.

I'm not going to hold my breath but I do know he loves me and that once he gets out of there he will remember how are life was and that's when he will reach out. I just hope for his sake I haven't moved on.

JOIE12

I cannot speak for everyone or every situation only what I have witnessed ....

detox and rehab - standard learning curve - they are told that the people around them (regardless of friendship, family or codependent) will not work any longer if they wish to be clean. they are told that a romantic relationship is not possible for at least a year of sobriety.

In my opinion - no one is a good partner if addicted to any drug including suboxone.

I have not witnessed one single addict using suboxone to stay clean. It begins that way but many confess after the fact that they knew at the beginning that they would not continue when away from the program. They could continue to get their scripts and fake the urine test (swab cannot be faked) but would sell them (minus the wrap to turn in to program dr) and always keep one for emergency. This is a mess to manage as it usually fails and they can lie for a period of time but it catches up with them eventually.

Most that I witnessed - picked up the scripts, sold them and bought heroin/coke.

Just the energy expended monitoring an addict is exhausting. It depletes us physically, mentally and spiritually. We become an extension of the addict and it slowly kills us. Just as it is them.

Ask yourself why any person is worth more than your sanity ? Why would someone mean more to you than you mean to yourself - for the people in your life who love and care about you and spend time showing you that ? Are you addicted to the drama and adrenalin and make up/break up cycle ?

We know because we have been there. He is poison for your mind. I don't speak to sound callous or cause you any pain but please think and rethink and then go out and do something new - alone is good - something that you have always been afraid or hesitant to do. Allow yourself to feel the success of conquering that fear. It will help you to release all of the bad feelings and frustration and it instantly builds your confidence ... in you.

I truly wish you nothing but the greatest stuff but I will bet my life on it that it wont be with this person. hugs

smartass1379

Well to update you all, My communication is nearly none except when he reaches out and I tell him to not contact me or I will have to block his number.

He is apparently involved with another rehab resident there, a girl, that's why he thinks he now longer wants to be with guys. I truly feel like I've dodged a huge bullet because if he is not listening to the staff and they have already warned them about contacting each other then he wont follow the rules needed to stay sober.

I tried to contact his family to let them know what was going on but they didn't take me seriously and instead claimed I sounded like a scorn lover. After that little comment I've decided to cut them out of my life as well.

It was almost relieving to know that he was seeing someone at rehab because before all the things he would tell me were excuses of why he didn't love me, or why he wasn't in the right state of mind, or why it was my fault. Now I know he was too weak to stay committed at this process and that's perfectly fine.

Thank you all for the support and there is no way I will ever allow this person back in my life.

JOIE12 a special thank you to you and a large hug!!

JOIE12

I wish you strength above all else. It's a painful thing, to let go of someone you care so much about . But reading your advice to others, I think you are headed in the right direction. Each story here has a different twist but the same symptoms. I work on my co-dependency like an addict who needs to quit !!

Keep coming back and best wishes as you walk thru each day. Hugs SA

smartass1379

Lol yes. its a roller coaster of emotions and each day is a different story. But to anyone reading the best thing for you to do/ or your addict it to walk away because even after rehab they will not be ok for years to come.

Thanks for all the love!