Where is he?

Old 08-03-2015, 08:07 AM
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Where is he?

I've only posted once before -- still pretty new here but I've been encouraged by your posts. I cannot deal with the ups and downs of his addiction any more. This time last week we had just returned from a wonderful week away in Colorado. We had an amazing time with our girls. On Monday we bought new flooring for the bedrooms and began installing it. I was so hopeful that the week away from the people and circumstances here at home was gong to be a really good start toward him getting his head straight. Not so.

This morning I'm sitting here not having seen or heard from him in almost 48 hours. It's been years since he's stayed away this long. He may be gone a night, but he's usually creeping in around 6:00. I waited until this morning to contact his three closest friends. None have had contact. I did something I haven't done in months and pulled up our wireless account to check recent calls/texts. He hasn't used his phone since just a few minutes after I last saw him. Of course his phone is dead right now. I checked the county jail and thankfully he isn't there. I had a heart attack about 10 minutes ago when an ambulance with flashing lights used our driveway to turn around in. Basically, I have just done this checking up this morning to try to help me decide whether I need to be concerned for his immediate safety.

In his words, he is "a grown ass man," and I am trying to remember that. I dread him coming home at this point because who knows what that will look like? Just sharing and open to some wisdom from you all who have been and are on this same path.
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Old 08-03-2015, 08:19 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Prayers for his safety and for your strength.
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Old 08-03-2015, 10:49 AM
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The answer to your question most likely is, "You don't wanna know."
I have dealt for the last 6 months with this exact issue with my exAH. He would take my car, and the dog (the only tip-off I might have had to when he arrived home) and literally drop off the planet. Sometimes for 8 hours, then 12, then 24. And, at its worst, 48. He would not answer calls, nor texts. I had no idea where he really was, because it was never where he claimed he would be.

No amount of your worry, nor concern, nor your attempts to get to the bottom of it will change the fact that this is unacceptable behavior on his part.

And regardless of the fact that it's unacceptable, it's not going to stop.
I have learned this the hard way.

My son is now 9mos old. His father has had regular, good, and fatherly interaction with him for maybe a week's worth of his short life. The rest of the time (and you will learn this about your husband too), even if he was here with us, he wasn't really HERE.

I have already filed for divorce. It's dragging on and taking far longer than I wanted it to, but I have done it. I have put aside the notion that any amount of my support will keep my husband clean and sober.

Please, please, if you cannot do this for your own sake right now, do it for your children. It is far better to try and salvage some semblance of a visitation schedule or to be able to honestlyt ell your children that you tried everything, but ultimately it didn't work out, than to keep dragging them through the cesspool of a marriage that your husband has caused you to dwell in.

PM me if you want. I understand completely what you're going through.
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Old 08-03-2015, 10:51 AM
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he's probably off on what is known as a "spinner" - multiple days of getting high. i believe you said he's a meth user? that can go on for days 3, 4, 5, til the body just crashes. then he'll crawl home filthy, unwashed, body depleted of any vitality, filled instead with poison, and sleep for a good 16-18 hours, then wake up starving. and in a really REALLY miserable mood.

you get to choose how much longer he gets to parade in and out like this. you HAVE the power to change, just not HIM. sounds like he put on the well behaved act, did the things that husbands and fathers do for the shortest time possible, all the while just itching to get to that next hit. such is life as a meth head.
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Old 08-03-2015, 02:08 PM
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He came home for a brief moment at almost the 48 hour mark, then blew up at me as quickly and left again. It's my attitude, of course, and the time I spend on my phone (not as much as he has in his mind) that **** hm off. I said, "you're using," and for the first time ever he didn't deny it -- just tried to shift the tables onto me.

I have given it almost everything I have to give. Our oldest is headed to college in 3 weeks -- scholarship, pre-med. We also have a sophomore and a third grader. The oldest two see it for what it is and I hate that they have had to deal with this off and on. The baby just wonders why daddy is so angry. I've sent the youngest two to my mom's for a couple of days. The oldest has to work and she and I have spent a bit of time talking about the current situation.

I just cannot even wrap my mind around how to separate or have him leave. I've made it too easy. I'm very familiar with this whole cycle and it's exhausting. I return to work Wednesday (teachers don't get 3 month summers anymore!) and I sort of welcome the distraction. I should've filed for divorce 17-18 years ago like mnh1982... Oh, well. I can't rewind.

Thanks for your input. Prayers for all of us this afternoon.
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Old 08-03-2015, 02:15 PM
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Honey, please.
Contact your local courthouse and research where you might be able to participate in a free, local workshop on filling out the paperwork.
Then make yourself a cup of tea, wait til the kids are in bed, fill it all out in one go, and send it in.
I know in my state, there are at least 3 advocacy groups that host monthly free workshops on plaintiff's rights and paperwork 101 for divorce cases. They are there to help. They do not and will not judge you. Your info is kept confidential.

It may take time to finalize the divorce, just like it's going to take time for yourself and the kids to adjust.

Ask yourself this: Is your life any better, easier, more fulfilled, satisfying with him around?

If the answer is just...no, then...why continue?

I miss my husband.
But I miss a person that he chooses not to even TRY to be.

At least with the divorce final (whenever that is) I know that since I do not have to see it, hear it or deal with it (his addiction), I can work on salvaging some sort of relationship for him with my son.

Our relationship, such as it was, is over.
It was never what I thought it was, anyway.
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Old 08-03-2015, 06:26 PM
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In his words, he is "a grown ass man," and I am trying to remember that.
Chronologically speaking that may be true. Emotionally speaking, not even close. He wants what he wants, doesn't care how it impacts you or your children, and then blows up at you because you dared to hold him accountable. So he's not a "grown a$$ man" by any reasonable, sane measure, so when you see him, think of him as a child.

Sometimes, as mnh and others will attest to, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Doesn't mean you'll like it, because you'll hate it. Doesn't mean it won't hurt, because it'll hurt like hell. What it ultimately means, JBatt, is you're making a positive decision to take control of your life back and protecting your daughters.

There are countless women here who have lived and seen this movie a bunch of times. Seek them out. Pay attention to what they tell you.

And please, keep us posted.
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Old 08-03-2015, 07:05 PM
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Jabatt,
Sending big hugs your way. Keep reading. Sadly, it doesn't get any better and it hurts.
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