"Enabling" is vague and overbroad

Old 07-28-2015, 02:40 PM
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"Enabling" is vague and overbroad

I don't like the term enabling. My sister today said something that indicates that she thinks that doing ANYTHING to help my brother in any way shape or form is "enabling." That's ridiculous. I told her that it's not enabling when the efforts are towards recovery and medical help. That's just my opinion as the term is not without controversy.

I agree with Commentary: Why the Term "Enabling" Does More Harm Than Good - Partnership for Drug-Free Kids
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Old 07-28-2015, 07:38 PM
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What term do you think should be used when friends and families actions help a substance abuser to either maintain or progress in their addiction or dependency?
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Old 07-28-2015, 07:52 PM
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It's a very, very fine line, alterity.

When someone we love is going through addiction issues, our instinct is to want to help them as best we can. It's only natural. But my experience has taught me there comes a time when it's beneficial to step back, both for us and for them. This doesn't mean we don't love them, or we don't want the best for them. What it does mean is recognizing that the recovery of another person is up to that person.

So be honest with yourself about your motivations, and then make your best decisions.
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Old 07-29-2015, 03:22 AM
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I went to the link you posted and read the article. Though I don't agree with all she offers, the doctor makes some thoughtful points.

It had been helpful for me to look at and identify as enabling some of the things I'd chosen to do for my son in the past. I feel I am healthier now that I've taken steps away from that behavior.
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Old 07-29-2015, 03:40 AM
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I'm in the main camp, that helping an addict avoid the consequences of their actions isn't helpful, because less pain equals less incentive. Common sense must apply though, for instance helping with something constructive could be classed as encouragement or even reward.
My DIL disagrees with me. She's had her issues with drugs, and says my son's support helped her recover (she's been clean for 8 years). I think the difference is she was really sorry about her last lapse and determined to recover, and his help reinforced her own desire.
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Old 07-29-2015, 03:42 AM
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There is a difference between helpful encouragement and providing the means for our addicted loved ones to keep using.

How did I enable?

I gave him money for prescriptions he needed...and he used the money to buy drugs.

I bought him tools so he could begin a new job with a renovator...and he returned the belt and bought drugs.

I brought him groceries from a store near where he lived, so he could have basics like milk, eggs, cereal, fruit and vegetables and a little meat...and when I left he returned what he could to get what he could to buy drugs.

I bought him a bus pass so he could get around the city to meetings, to job interviews, to counseling...and he sold it to buy drugs.

I bailed him out of jail on the promise he would go to meetings, find a rehab, and follow the rules at home...a promise made while weeping with tears and desperation. We hadn't even made it home when he got out of the car and went looking for drugs...putting me at risk of losing every dime of bail.

I let him come live at home with us thinking that if he had a loving home and healthy environment with good food and a warm bed, he might get/stay clean. With the money he saved by living at home, he bought drugs...which he brought to hide in my home along with stolen goods, jeopardizing me and putting ME at risk of arrest or attack by those who provided drugs.

All the things I did, I did as a loving mother. Each of the things I did enabled him to keep using drugs. My good intentions became a means to the end for him...get his drugs and use them.

Originally Posted by alterity
I told her that it's not enabling when the efforts are towards recovery and medical help.
Oh yes it most certainly is. It is enabling when what we do provides a means for them to continue using, no matter how much love is behind it. As the first owner of SR, a recovering addict named Jon, once told me..."You just might love him right into his grave." Those words hurt but they were also the wisest words ever spoken to me.

Enabling kills. My son may kill himself using drugs but they won't be drugs provided by me thinking I was helping. Not on your life. Not on his.
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Old 07-29-2015, 03:51 AM
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I took the load of life off her shoulders---or so I thought.

I thought.....every dollar I put in your pocket----is a dollar you don't
have to shoplift. Giving you time, in order to outrun an inevitable
theft conviction/crime of moral turpitude///making future employment
highly questionable.

The truth is, anything of value is convertible to that which is killing
them.

I filled her vehicle with gas: I created a mobile addict/ pushers delivery girl.

I activated her phone when it died: she didn't call her Mom (her Mom had
no dope)......she called the dope dealer.

As with Ann.......there came a time when I looked into the mirror and knew
she was pointing a .45 at her head-----and I was loading it.

In the end THEY have to choose whether to pull the trigger or not---but
either way.........OUR only choice is to buy them ammo or not.
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Old 07-29-2015, 04:00 AM
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Look, my B is in psychosis, which has been drug induced, yes, but also triggered by recent trauma with a foundation of abuse he experienced as an adolescent. He also has a myriad of health issues that contribute to the mental illness. This psychosis can persist for a long time and possibly permanently but the public mental health and drug court system is not equipped to support his recovery. It is set up so that he winds up dead or in jail/prison. Civil commitment proceedings should be pursued by the county prosecutor but because of funding and staffing this probably won't happen. For my family to just throw hands up in the air, to not take action that brings B into treatment (he is not competent to make his own decisions), would be just like Edmund Bruke said: All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Not that we can or should expect to be able to do any more than we possibly can, but to do nothing right now would just be wrong. Dead wrong.
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Old 07-29-2015, 04:15 AM
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Alterity, I don't doubt for a minute your fear for your B and your urgency to "do something" because the system fails him. You haven't been here long enough to know our stories, but most of us here have been where you are and most of us here tried what you are trying...and many of us here, like me, almost died trying to help someone who didn't want or would not accept (without an ulterior motive to get drugs) help.

We can't love them well, if we could not one of us would be here. We can't buy them well, lord knows I threw thousands of dollars into trying to help my son, we can't speak rationally to someone who is out of control...we just cannot change what is not ours to change.

I know you may think your situation is different, but sadly it's the same story we have been sharing here for many years. There is not enough help and resources out there for our addicted loved ones, but there is enough help that costs nothing if they are willing. The Salvation Army provides free rehabs that have helped many, it's not the price, it's the willingness of the addict to get clean. In Canada, where I live, there is free counselling and all 12-step meetings are free. There are free detoxes and free treatment outpatient programs...all good, none successful for an addict who isn't willing.

I wish you luck with your B and will keep him in my prayers. Please take a good read around here and you may find some information that will help you deal with all this.

Hugs
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Old 07-29-2015, 04:41 AM
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alterity, I sincerely wish you and your brother the best. I understand that if he's mentally incompetent he may need involuntary treatment. I guess the real test comes after they stabilise him and he becomes once more responsible for his actions.
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Old 07-29-2015, 04:44 AM
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Ann, I have been coming here since 2010. I lost my user name and password so had to create a new one last month.
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Old 07-29-2015, 07:09 AM
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alterity....I know what you mean. I often say, there is a difference between encouragement and enabling. And I mean it. I know your situation, and my heart hurts for you.

Many, many hugs coming your way!
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Old 07-29-2015, 02:25 PM
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I am not a split the difference kind of person, nor is equivocation my
style. I am a citizen of the USA. Ann is a citizen of Canada. We in the United
States made certain (I believe grievous) errors starting about 35 years ago.

Under the aegis of cowboy philosophy masquerading as serious thought,
we decided on a TV serial based view of the world. Every man for himself.
Sink or swim. If aren't a fast member of the herd---you get culled. Fast.
We used to have mental hospitals---now we have prisons. LOTS.

Not the case in Canada, where Ann lives. They don't buy a ton of F-35s at
a few hundred million a pop. They aren't squandering their resources all over
the globe. They don't have debates over whose ass in the world is seriously
ripe for kicking. They invest in their people. But they do not compromise their
common defense one iota. Anyone attacking Canada would find out in short
order how ruthlessly efficient they are at getting value for their defense dollar.

Alterity wrote-----because of funding/staffing, it probably won't happen.
I agree with that. It seems that a single F-35 tire is more important than your
brothers life. I have fought these policies for 35 years----but I am only
one voter. And if anyone cares to come at me with the 'lib' argument---
I will gladly place my life experience (martial and civil) up against any and
all challengers.

Our societal decisions MATTER. 35 years of inertia, cowboyism, and "to
hell with them-they are worthless addicts" takes a very heavy toll on a society
that purports to be enlightened.

Canada never lowered her eyes when it came to her most important duty,
the protection of those in need of it most.

Signed,

An American patriot and veteran
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Old 07-30-2015, 07:47 AM
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Yes. The system is flawed. Yes prisons in the US are very scary. That being said, it was AHs trip to prison that scared me sober. He went to prison and I went to treatment. It was the lifers inside that scared him sober (for now at least. Only time will tell when he gets out)

I know that family members want to help their addicts avoid prison. The system is really awful! The thing about it is though... addicts only stop when the pain of using is greater than the pain of recovery. Sometimes, it can be that same terrible system that can make someone say "enough! "

When I checked into detox the counsellor asked me why I was there. I said, sick as I was, "I don't want to go to prison. If I don't stop using that's not an if... it's a when..." that was 1 1/2 years ago.

I'm sorry if I am rambling... I'm trying to offer a ray of hope. As terrible as the thought of the system setting up someone to go to prison is... Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's the only way to show an addict that there are very real consequences for using.
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Old 07-30-2015, 09:38 AM
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I finally reconciled my feelings about encouraging versus enabling when I acknowledged it was the difference between "being something" rather than "doing something". My enabling behaviors (and personally I don't object to calling them that because that's what they were in my case) were done to alleviate my own extreme discomfort. I couldn't stand to see my son suffer or damage his future. I couldn't stand to hear the words "I'm hungry" or "I'm cold" or "I'm in jail". It seemed unbearable. So I would "fix it" so that I felt he was ok and that made me ok. That is simply not a healthy dynamic. But I held on to that dynamic, making excuses and justifying my behaviors for far too long.

As different as each situation is, they are often very much the same. Enabling is never done with malicious intent but it can have very damaging circumstances. It has to be called something.....but each of us come to our own conclusions in our own time. The vagueness of the term "enabling" bothered me for a long time too. But so did so many things as it relates to my son's addiction......it was a struggle. I felt there were a lot of contradictions....but I have resolved those in my own mind by examining myself and my motives carefully.

I hope and pray that your B finds his way to a clean and sober life.

Take care of you.
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Old 07-30-2015, 12:47 PM
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We care. That is a good thing. Perhaps the only good thing.
But when it is weaponized by a dreadful disorder and turned
into a vehicle of further damage---we must be very, very careful.

One of the crueler tactics in vogue a while back was to wound a dog
----no American kid (or soldier) can resist comforting a wounded animal.
But under the animal is an IED. Meant to kill as many as possible.

By all means care. It is what makes you human. But never ever allow
your heart to override your head.
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Old 07-30-2015, 12:52 PM
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I remember you, kindeyes, from back in 2010. I don't know why you, Chino, and a couple of others are so memorable to me but I think that you all were very understanding and compassionate especially when it came to my frustrations with the zero tolerance approach to "enabling." I've definitely learned a lot in the past five years and took many helpful words of wisdom from this board and put them into practice. Thank you!
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Old 07-31-2015, 03:41 AM
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On my mind this morning: Is guardianship the ultimate "enabling" act? When someone is incapacitated, a legal standard up to the judge to decide but essentially based on professional medical opinion, he is incapable of taking care of himself. Why would this be enabling? Struggling with this because my sister wants me to have our B declared incompetent but unless the county prosecutor does an involuntary civil commitment they only way would be for a family member to petition for guardianship. It may just well be "enabling" as it would continue the cycle of rescuing, controlling outcomes, and take responsibility for him when he should be taking responsibility for himself. But if he is incapacitated, how can he??????? UGH!
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Old 07-31-2015, 03:39 PM
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I don't know your story, alterity, so I can only speak from my own experience. There are times that I have declared my son incompetent in my own mind. But he proves me wrong. Meth can create a madman from someone who is otherwise quite capable.....so it was justified in my mind that he was incompetent, delusional, etc. and in many ways it was true. But when I tell him (via words or actions) I simply reinforce it. Addicts are extremely resourceful. My son is extremely smart and he has survived things that I could not have. Could someone who is incompetent have done that?

I have had crazy thoughts sometimes......like......if only I could lock him up and keep him away from drugs and the influence of other addicts for months or maybe even a year or two, maybe he'd get better. I could feed him and ensure he got enough sleep. If I did that long enough....he'd get better.....right? But I know that's not possible.

Sometimes someone has to walk on the brink of death to appreciate the single, beautiful life they have. It's hard to watch. But the friends I have who are recovering addicts have told me that's exactly what happened to them before they decided to get clean and sober. My son is dealing with this right now.....but I'm 4000 miles away. Now.....I can only be something.....I can't really do anything.....and by God, he's hitting meetings and doing the stuff he needs to.....without me. I pray he stays on track.

Is guardianship the ultimate in enabling? Maybe. Maybe not. But I do believe that the motivation for getting (and staying) clean and sober has to come from deep within someone's soul......it can't be motivated by love alone.......it can't be imposed upon them.

Keeping you in my prayers.......it's really tough to love someone who has been taken hostage by substance abuse.

Take care of you.
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Old 08-04-2015, 10:47 AM
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For me, the term "enabling" means doing something for a loved one that they could do for themselves.

Notice that says "could" not should, would, or want ~

I truly believe if someone wants recovery, sobriety, freedom they will find a way to achieve it. We must be willing to go to any lengths ~ If a person is wise enough to obtain drugs & alcohol - then I believe they are wise enough to figure out a way to obtain the tools of recovery, if they really want them.

I had to be willing to go to any lengths to get healthy ~ all the efforts I had used to "help them get sober" had to be focused on getting me sane.

I learned in my journey the more I did, the sicker I became.

Today some of those loved ones that I chose not to enable are sober and some are not. Some are no longer a part of my life because if I'm around them - I could lose all the mental stability & inner peace I have fought to obtain.

Enabling, helping, lending a hand, or supporting ~ call it what you may ~ for me & my journey - NO ONE was benefiting from these actions from me, especially not the addicts/alcoholics in my life.

As this may not be true for everyone, this is my story, this is my truth ~

It usually works best if you seek & find what is your truth - maybe helping doesn't hurt you like it did me - but for me enabling made me inches away from death.

Wishing you & your family many years of recovery!
PINK HUGS,
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