New here and dealing with a SA

Old 07-26-2015, 03:30 PM
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Unhappy New here and dealing with a SA

I am new to this website and am hoping to find others who may have or are in a similar situation to myself. I have been married for 4 years, with my husband, however, for about 7 years. I knew he was an addict when I married him - a recovering addict is what I was told. His mother died in 2009 and he relapsed. It took me a little while to figure it out and, after confronting him, he said he would go to meetings, get clean, etc. That worked for about 4 months and he relapsed again. He was kicked out of my house and he slept in a tent in the back yard. Since then, I cannot even count the number of times he has relapsed. Over the last 8/9 years that I have known him, he has stolen money from me, my son and his son. He relapsed again last month and left me a note that this relapse was taken to another level, that he knew this would be the straw that broke the camels back and if I needed to press charges, he understood. He went on to tell me that he stole money from my clients bank accounts. He said that he would pay it back, was sorry, etc. He was out of work when this happened, due to medical reasons. I typed him a long letter one night letting him know how hurt I was and that his actions were not tolerable and that he needed to move out. I told him that I expected him to pay me back. I told him that he was financially draining....that this wasn't the first time he had stolen money and I had to find a way to pay the bill he couldn't, pay my clients back, etc. I have a business out of my house and I just don't even trust him here. It is bad when I feel like I need to lock things up. Problem is, he breaks the lock and gets the money out! UGH! So, while he was out of work was the best time for him to go get help. I told him I thought he needed to go to an inpatient treatment program. His son is only with us every other week over the summer and if he needed to stay at his mother's for a while, again, this was the time to do it. He said No, that he would get help, that he could do it. When I asked about him finding someplace to live the excuse was "I'm not even working, how can I look for some place, I don't even have any money". Needless to say, he went to AA and NA meeting every day for about a week and a half and in the last 2 weeks he has gone to 2. This is typical history repeating itself. He started back to work this week. He still claims to have gotten no money from disability, yet I am sure he did and blew it. For all I know he is still using. I am just so frustrated. He tries to be loving, cuddly, etc. and, although I love him, I just feel like displaying too much affection just confuses what I want relative to him moving out. As much as it is going to hurt to see him go, it really is what is best. All the bills including the mortgage are in my name, so I am ultimately liable for everything and when he relapses it is just more money I need to come up with. Am I alone out here. I don't know how to get him to truly do what he needs to. Just today he was talk about when the kids go back to school in a month that he will need to pick them up after school. Clearly, that means he still intends on being here in a month. I am just so frustrated!
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Old 07-26-2015, 04:18 PM
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hello and welcome. sorry for what brings you here. but you are in the right place.

Am I alone out here. I don't know how to get him to truly do what he needs to.

many of us arrive here with that exact question......how do i help HIM/HER? how do i get them to CHANGE? how do i get them to WANT to do the right thing and sober up and be a productive PART of this family?

as you have experienced since 2009 - you CAN'T. not for lack of trying. as it is his disease has progressed and he has sunk low enough to steal from you, your clients, your kid, his kid. he is refusing to truly DO anything about his condition.

tough times. but i think you know what needs to happen - that this situation simply cannot continue. you deserve a safe and sane home, you deserve to have your business protected, your finances secure.

you didn't cause this.
you can't cure this.
you can't control this.

but you can take care of YOU. and it is absolutely OK to do that. to put you first. it's time.
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Old 07-26-2015, 05:32 PM
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"you didn't cause this.
you can't cure this.
you can't control this. "

Truer words were never spoken. When my daughter announced herself as a heroin addict, we naturally assumed we must have had some part in it -- guilt arrived by the busload.

We should-a, could-a, would-a done something; through Nar-Anon we have learned that is not really the case.

You need to start taking care of you -- I suggest that finding a local Nar-Anon meeting would be a good first step - you will meet others in similar circumstances and be able to gain some strength from their experience. Just the fellowship of others "in the same boat" will help you.

The following is from a song and our group has printed it inside of a "Welcome" card which we give to newcomers - it captures the true spirit of Nar-Anon:

"We're glad you're here,
'cause we've been there;
and it's hard to find someone who
understands enough to care.
Put down your pain, cast out your fears.
We've all been there,
and we're glad you're here."

Good luck and keep coming back!

Jim
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Old 07-26-2015, 06:23 PM
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Thanks. I do know what needs to happen and I ask him what he is doing to make plans to move out and get help and he says he is doing what he needs to. He is going to a therapist as he believes a lot of what he is dealing with is driven from the fact he was molested by his brother when he was young. He is also seeing a psychiatrist. But, that doesn't help with the addiction issue. Going to a NA meeting once a weekend doesn't work for me. He lays the guilt of "well, if I have to move Im going to lose my son cuz I can't afford an apartment and to take care of him". Gee....but he apparently thinks it is OK for him to only give me $200 a week to keep a roof over his and his sons heads and keep food in the cabinets. Sorry, Im just venting. But, it is always an excuse. My step-son's mother is an alcoholic. So, regardless of where he ends up living, there are issues with both his parents. His mother seems to be in a better place at this point and has likely been sober for a while now. But she frequently checks herself into treatment somewhere for 30 days or so. When I have tried forcing the hand about him moving out, he threatens to break things, tear down work he has done around the house, etc. I really just don't want to deal with that. I have been to Nar-Anon meetings before several years ago. I met some good friends there, a few who I talk to still. Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
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