James86

Does an addict's love for someone return once they stop using drugs? I've been told that feelings definitely come back x100, but I'm curious about love feelings. I was with my ex for 8 years and he's been with his new guy (a fellow drug user) for a year now. But they've only ever been together while on drugs. I can't see their relationship being built on anything real. But what will happen when he's forced to sober up or chooses to? (Jail, Rehab, etc.) Will he start missing me again, etc.?

mab112

Honestly James I think the bigger question is why would you want a relationship with him in the future?

Trust me I understand how powerful love is for the non addict in a relationship. My ah is still in my house because of this.

But I question every day more and more why I continue to allow him to be.

There is no simple answer to your question. It may come back or it may not.

Personally I would not want to pursue a relationship with an addict past or present after my experiences with my AH.

ladyscribbler

We can never know what another person really felt or how they experienced it. When you add drug or alcohol dependency into the mix, emotions take a backseat to the addiction.
I was my ex's "best friend" his "everything" he "needed" me. It was a huge slap in the face when his life didn't immediately come unraveled after I left. (That kind of thinking is MY disease. I needed to be needed in order to feel that I had value as a person. Relationships are my addiction.)
It made my head spin to see how quickly I was replaced. First by his parents, then when they got tired of it, his uncle's widow, who he married within a few months of her husband's death and my leaving.
He didn't need "me", he just needed an enabler. And anyone who will do his laundry, drive him to the liquor store and put up with his crap has what it takes to be his "everything."
I've had to do a lot of work on myself to see that the anger and resentment I thought I felt toward them was really my low self worth. I settled for so little, just for the sake of a few empty words, that essentially mean nothing when stacked up and measured against his actions.
Did my ex love me like he said he did? He might have, but his ability to love people who aren't directly "useful" to him is severely limited by his disease. He is the one who hurt me, but he can't and won't be the one to heal that hurt. His life coming unraveled won't add anything to my quality of life, which is where I'm working to focus my energy. Not saying it's easy or that I always do it perfectly, but it gets better the more I do for myself.

GardenMama

Really insightful and powerful stuff, Ladyscribbler.

This is why I so appreciate SR. We can share our troubles as well as our hard-earned wisdom.

James86

Reading this made me feel so good. It's so great to come on here and hear stories that sound SO SIMILAR to my own. It really helps me feel like I'm not going through this alone. I really liked this part -- "his ability to love people who aren't directly 'useful' to him is severely limited by his disease. " I'm sorry you went through something similar.

mnh1982

Honey, GO OUT.
I mean it.

Here's why: my exAH, as soon as, and I do mean to the minute, AS SOON as he had the choice, always made the wrong one. His behavior got more & more over the top, & immediately afterward, so did the lies he told to make excuses & cover up for himself. He seemed never to understand why what he was saying wasn't believable, nor why what he was doing was not acceptable.

It's been a long, long road-a windy one, at that, but I have finally learned to make peace with these three things:

1. Whether he was with me physically, living in our home, or not, he was still not making the right choices that would have demonstrated that above all else, he loved me & our son & was willing to work to prove it. My presence in his life was not a barrier nor a stepping stone for his recovery.

2. I can & do believe that, in some way, he did, does & always will love me (& the baby). But he loves himself more...

3. Speculating on what he's doing now that he is my EX-AH can only lead to one thing for me & that's being stagnant. I have seen our relationship through as far as I can, meaning that I have also seen HIM through as much as I can without destroying myself in the process.

So, honey, GO OUT.
Put on something you like to wear, find a friend who's been with you through thick & thin & go out for dinner. Invite over a few of your nearest & dearest & make dinner for them at home. Go to a movie. Go for a run. Pick a hobby that previously you've neglected & go buy yourself some nice supplies to start it back up again.

You are attempting to make a "family" for yourself with this ex because you've forgotten how to focus on yourself. You miss him because that's what happens when we end relationships, but given some time & a lot of distance (read: the discipline to see his actions & addiction for what they are & not contact him), you will realise that it's possible to let that missing him turn into nostalgia & leave it at that.

Go out. Find a way to spend time on yourself that you couldn't before.
Because you deserve that from yourself, & you're the only one who can heal you.

JOIE12

this is a painful hard core piece of myself ... thru experience ... sometimes when my ABF had chosen a new enabler, I worked so hard to be the 'winner'. As soon as he would come back or call or text - I was right there ! but I would regret it right away. I felt like I was in a power struggle with myself. I wanted him, he wanted drugs and would do anything to get them. Once he had them, he wanted me, the cycle tore me apart but I didn't know how to end it. Well it was simple really ... but I think we become sick and need the daily struggle in some twisted way. You deserve someone who cares about you and that won't come with someone who needs a drug to survive. All energy and thought goes into that cause as soon as they get what they need and have their high, they are immediately wondering about the next hit.

So like MNH wrote - try to connect with yourself again and the world and your friends and what you enjoyed 'before'. It will save your life.

Hugs and best wishes to you
Joie

Ap052183

Excellent post. Very relatable.

Vale

"I settled for so little, just for the sake
of a few empty words, that essentially
mean nothing when stacked up and
measured against his actions."

Poetry. We pour our hearts in-----
we get absolutely nothing out.
The very heart and soul of a
spectacularly bad deal.
So we double down.

We throw the hail Mary.

Finally, if and when we discover
wisdom and repair our self respect....
.we just walk off the field. We realize
that we were never actually IN prison,
arrested, or even detained. We choose
to be a part of addiction, until the day
we choose not to be. We spend endless
days of angst plotting ways to tunnel
under the walls and guard towers
and barbed wire.......

One day (hopefully sooner rather
than later) we realize that have been
voluntary living in an honor camp.
No sentence, no guards, no walls.

Just fear. Of the unknown,
the future, the loss of the familiar.

So who's with me!? Lets walk out
of this prison of sorrow and forget about
anything to do with addiction.

Unlike Andy Dufrene (Shawshank) we
don't even have to crawl through a half
mile of poop filled pipe.

We've already checked that box.