James86

So I haven't written in a while, but it's mainly because I haven't talked to my addict ex in 7 months. I actually haven't reached out to him since November. When he messaged me in January, I ignored him. Anyway, we've been apart for a little over a year now and he's married to another drug user. Some of his belongings are still at my house because he simply never cared enough to come get them. And I guess I avoided it because I hoped he would change and try to win me back. (His marriage is a sham in my eyes -- married after 8 weeks of knowing each other, when I was with him for 8 years. I believe it's all drug-based.) Either way, he messaged me, asking if he could pick up a pair of prescription eyeglasses he left here, as he doesn't have any right now. I was shocked to hear from him, but a little annoyed that the only time he talks to me is when he needs something. I guess his new "husband" can't afford to buy him glasses. He also said he'd offer to meet me somewhere in the middle, but he's working late and he'd rather just swing by and pick them up off my porch after work. I told him I could meet him somewhere, as I'd like to talk a bit. All of a sudden, he said he's too busy right now and had to get up the next morning early for another job. And then he said he works with his husband and they'd be together, so talking wouldn't work out. Then he proceeded to beg me for his glasses. I was busy working and didn't answer fast enough, so he called me. We ended up arguing because he just wants his glasses and I still don't understand how he doesn't care about me at all. I tried telling him that he's very selfish and gets nasty quickly each time we talk. He kept talking a mile a minute, almost like he was trying to stop me from having time to say anything. So I politely asked him to shut up so I could say something. I know, I shouldn't have used those words, but I said it calmly. Next thing I know, he screams "YOU shut the f*** up!" So I hung up. He called back. I told him that was scary and I didn't deserve that. Then he hung up because he was at work and "got a table." Anyway, I realized I wouldn't be able to get any real answers out of him because he's on drugs and only cares about getting what he wants. So I said the glasses would be on the front step -- even though his sister and my friends told me to smash them and tell him he can be blind due to his selfishness. I guess I'm too nice. By the way -- he told me he's in recovery, but i don't believe it at all. He still doesn't talk to any of his siblings, and hasn't seen his niece and nephew in over a YEAR. And he doesn't show any signs of caring about the dog we raised together or me, who he was with for 8 years. It's like he's numb to it all. Can someone please tell me he's most likely using hardcore? I know he is, but he's still so good at manipulating me. When he says he's in recovery, I always question my beliefs. And I know he sounds like a major jerk, but trust me when I say he wasn't like this when we were together. I've never heard him speak to me like that before, which is super upsetting. And ugh, him and his "husband" just celebrated one year together. I didn't think they'd last -- all they do is drugs together. Maybe it will still implode. Any insight would be great. It's hard for me to get to Naranon meetings, so I love getting feedback from everyone. Thanks.

Falseclaimsact

If he is dragging you along you have the power to stop that by going no contact, disposing of his things, etc.

If you are finding ways to insert yourself into new conflicts, then you are affirmatively contributing to your misery. You have the power to stop that too.

I hope you are reading over what you typed and notice how much of what you said is NOT about you and A LOT about the addict. I reflect often on my posts that do the same thing. It is a good starting place for me to notice my feelings and how I can do better to handle my reactions.

Needabreak

I was in a relationship with a coke addict for many years -- and, like yours, he only started using drugs several years in. It broke my heart, but by the time i was done I was done and it didn't matter what he did anymore.

Fast forward to today. I just ended a relationship with a guy who I have been seeing for a few months. It was a wonderful relationship at first, and one of the best things was that he doesn't use drugs or drink, and never did. But as time went on I noticed a lack of emotional transparency, and a tendency for him to avoid talking about issues that I raised with him instead of simply talking them through. He didn't deflect them back onto me like my ex would do -- he would simply avoid such conversations at all costs. I gave it some time (he was worth it), but after a few months passed the incompatibilities became glaringly apparent, and I ended it. It hurts me, and I know I hurt him and am truly sorry for this, but it became clearer each day that it wasn't working for me -- and life is too short.

My point is, and it's one that has taken me a long time to come to grips with, is that sometimes relationships just don't work out anymore. Could be drugs, could be selfishness, could be mommy issues, could be simple incompatibility. It doesn't matter why. It hurts, but when it's over it's over -- and all you can do is learn your lessons and move on.

AnvilheadII

he just wanted his GLASSES. he didn't want to TALK, he doesn't have anything else to say to you.

what he does now with HIS life is HIS business. he has moved on. seriously MOVED ON. i don't think it's about drugs.....and even if he IS doing drugs, that has NOTHING to do with you.

sorry to be blunt, but you are hanging on to vapor trails of what once was.

James86

A little cruel, don't you think? I don't need those kind of responses. Thanks.

AnvilheadII

if it was cruel, i wouldn't post it. however, i will be more than happy to NOT post on any of your threads from here on out.

Needabreak

What do you want? Unicorns & rainbows?

It sucks, but you are looking at things as you want them to be rather than as they really are.

ladyscribbler

Leave all his stuff on the fronts steps. I get how much this hurts. My ex got married within a few months of me leaving. We were together for 5 years and have a son. I get that this hurts, but a lot of your misery is self inflicted. I was doing the same thing for awhile. That only hurt me though. Their relationship is none of my business. The why and the how and the wtf of their daily life is not my problem unless I make it my problem.
You need to let go of him, of his stuff (both literal and figurative) and put the focus on yourself. Get out of your own head. Make a conscious effort to be mindful of where your thoughts go. Practice shutting off those tangents about him and make a choice to think of something else. That's what I had to start doing.

hopeful4

I am sorry you are hurting. Leave every single thing on the stoop and don't contact him again. By your knowing what is going on in his life, it's keeping you from moving past this hurt. It takes time, but time does heal if you let it.

periwinkle123

I agree that this was a bit cruel... They had an eight year long relationship. It's not like they went on one date and now he's some kind of obsessive psycho, like come on. We all know it's healthier to move on. But that's a lot easier said than done. With addicts there's often not that feeling of closure that might occur with a regular breakup, they just kind of decide, & you're left with all the questions.

Needabreak

The addicted partner left and married someone else. He is pining for someone who has told him the relationship is over, and who is now married to someone else.

It is never a healthy thing to chase someone who is married to someone else. Why is it cruel to state this?

Refiner

He could still be using, and maybe not. He's definitely moved on. I know you need some closure, but he's probably to embarassed or feeling too guilty to have to talk to you to give that to you. I would set all his things out with the glasses and try and move on the best you can. I don't think you're going to get any of the answers you're seeking at this point. Also... I don't know what your 8 years together was really like, but you mention his new husband can't get him any new prescription glasses. Why would the new husband have to? Why can't the ex do this himself? An addict doesn't just use drugs, they also use people. Could that be part of the dynamics of leaving you and finding your replacement so quickly?

zoso77

James,

I will have you know that I'm typing this while recovering from surgery and the death of my mother, and my footprint here has been quite light the past 4 weeks.

You only need to ask yourself one simple question: what is best for you. But in order to answer that question, that requires a high degree of soul searching and honesty. What is best for us is often orthogonal to what we want. So in that spirit, I give you this song by Rush called "How It Is". The key lyric is the following:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bjfuPczMmo

atalose

The only thing that is “cruel” here with this situation is what you are doing to yourself by not accepting that the relationship is really over and it’s not going to ever go back to what you first had with him, ever.

You were/are holding onto his “things” as you said “hoping” he’d come back to you. But the reality is he’s married to someone else now, he’s moved on. Doing drugs or not doing drugs he made a choice to not have you in his life. It sucks, it hurts but life is not always fair.

You said he only talks to you when he needs something – really what were your expectations? He ended the relationship for whatever reason, he’s married to someone else so really – what kind of “talks” from him are you expecting?

He only wanted to pick up his glasses off your porch and you were the one who turned it into something greater because of your unresolved emotions. You attempted to manipulate the situation into something more than it really was and he got mad, frankly I would have to and maybe him speaking to you in that tone was not the best choice but this hurt you are now feeling you own a big part of it.

Reality is often a very hard pill to swallow. You came here seeking insight, insight was given to you but it was not the insight you were seeking. I think you want validation that it was the drug use that broke up your relationship and that drug use is the only reason he remains with his new partner and drug use was the reason he spoke to you as he did on the phone because then if drug use is no longer on the table and he’s in recovery……………you might get your relationship back with him because that’s what you’ve been holding onto for a year now.