Boyfriend sober 7 months
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Boyfriend sober 7 months
My boyfriend is 22 and is a recovery addict. From pot, vicodin, molly, shrooms, LSD, cocaine, to eventually a full blown oxy addiction. As long as we've been together he claims he has never fallen off track and insists I would visibly know if he were high. But, for a guy who was as addicted as he claimed he was it, it's just hard to believe he "cold turkey" quit, without any rehab (which he's been to in the past). He has struggled with depression when he was a preteen until about 17, having a suicide attempt then. I never even tried pot before so all of this is confusing to me.
I believe he sees me as a sole motivator to get his life back on track: which he has over the last 7 months together (working again, new car). He's a great person and we are very compatible but his lack of friendships and career purpose are difficult to deal with. He has an extremely negative self-esteem, convinced he will fail before he even tries anything. All of his guy friends and members of his family have had drug issues, so he has no one to confide in but me. At one point, he got introduced to many drugs from his aunt and uncle. I'm noticing major signs of an addictive personality, but not primarily drugs... it's now me he's addicted to. If I am free he assumes all of my time is for him, when we are apart he texts every minute/all day saying "I love you" "I miss you" saying he "needs me" and it's overwhelming. If I'm busy he tries to guilt me into letting him stop by, even when I just want my own alone time or have school work. He gets offended that if I say "I want to be alone" that that means "I am dumping you". It's like his entire world falls apart when I'm not around. When I am with him he is perfectly ok. When we are apart is when he sulks, one word answers when I say we can't hang out, always angry/complaining/not feeling well, saying he's a loser and screwed up his life and has no friends. Once he gets out of the funk he apologizes and says things like, "Sorry I want to see you all the time babe... I must get so annoying." But its things that are guilt inducing and obviously I can't genuinely say, "Yes you are annoying". Almost daily he changes his mind about what job he wants, has the connections to get it - but during his free time makes no effort to study, sign up for the courses and then complains he's a loser with no future.
Recently, I've been extremely busy with graduate school only seeing him at most, once a week. I've sensed he feels almost misplaced in my life because I know what I want, whereas he's still struggling to stay afloat. He's been hanging with kids he used to use with to pass time. They've gone to grab drinks and food and to be honest it makes me extremely uncomfortable as those kids are still heavily using, only text him about how fun it was to get high and that they miss him, they're broke from their habit, and doing it all behind their girlfriends backs. Why would a recovery drug addict go drinking with kids he used with? That's just lessening his ability to say "no" if they offered anything. He insists he would never jeopardize anything and this has been the most stable period in his life.
With my own dreams, goals, anxiety, and insecurities I feel like I can't juggle my own emotions, plus his. It's so hard to truly trust in a situation such as the disease of addiction. I love him and enjoy spending the time with him and see a future, but he has such low self-esteem and dependency issues I don't know when or if he ever will. Sometimes I wonder if he has slipped up and I just don't know. 😕
I believe he sees me as a sole motivator to get his life back on track: which he has over the last 7 months together (working again, new car). He's a great person and we are very compatible but his lack of friendships and career purpose are difficult to deal with. He has an extremely negative self-esteem, convinced he will fail before he even tries anything. All of his guy friends and members of his family have had drug issues, so he has no one to confide in but me. At one point, he got introduced to many drugs from his aunt and uncle. I'm noticing major signs of an addictive personality, but not primarily drugs... it's now me he's addicted to. If I am free he assumes all of my time is for him, when we are apart he texts every minute/all day saying "I love you" "I miss you" saying he "needs me" and it's overwhelming. If I'm busy he tries to guilt me into letting him stop by, even when I just want my own alone time or have school work. He gets offended that if I say "I want to be alone" that that means "I am dumping you". It's like his entire world falls apart when I'm not around. When I am with him he is perfectly ok. When we are apart is when he sulks, one word answers when I say we can't hang out, always angry/complaining/not feeling well, saying he's a loser and screwed up his life and has no friends. Once he gets out of the funk he apologizes and says things like, "Sorry I want to see you all the time babe... I must get so annoying." But its things that are guilt inducing and obviously I can't genuinely say, "Yes you are annoying". Almost daily he changes his mind about what job he wants, has the connections to get it - but during his free time makes no effort to study, sign up for the courses and then complains he's a loser with no future.
Recently, I've been extremely busy with graduate school only seeing him at most, once a week. I've sensed he feels almost misplaced in my life because I know what I want, whereas he's still struggling to stay afloat. He's been hanging with kids he used to use with to pass time. They've gone to grab drinks and food and to be honest it makes me extremely uncomfortable as those kids are still heavily using, only text him about how fun it was to get high and that they miss him, they're broke from their habit, and doing it all behind their girlfriends backs. Why would a recovery drug addict go drinking with kids he used with? That's just lessening his ability to say "no" if they offered anything. He insists he would never jeopardize anything and this has been the most stable period in his life.
With my own dreams, goals, anxiety, and insecurities I feel like I can't juggle my own emotions, plus his. It's so hard to truly trust in a situation such as the disease of addiction. I love him and enjoy spending the time with him and see a future, but he has such low self-esteem and dependency issues I don't know when or if he ever will. Sometimes I wonder if he has slipped up and I just don't know. 😕
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, a direction in your life and are discovering that this relationship is pulling you away from that.
I also sense you now feel obligated because you believe you are his only. only one who understands him, only one who can keep him clean/sober. And that's just not true, if addiction could be controlled by loving someone, understanding them then we wouldn't be dealing with it in the first place.
When we think that way and believe that we imprison ourselves to the outcome of someone else's choices and issues. We end up trying and trying and trying harder to save them from themselves losing ourselves along the way.
If you keep reading through the posts here you might see something referring to FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt....it's what keeps of kept many of us attached to unhealthy people and relationships.
It sounds like your relationship is new, kind of the dating stage, the getting to know you stage the less then 1 year stage and now you know him. You know his history, you know his issues, you know addiction is a life long disease and that you cannot control that. Is this how you in visioned a relationship to be? Is this the kind of relationship you've always dreamed of having? One where you feel untrusting, unsettled about what he may do? One where you do not feel free to do what is important to you because someome else's insecurities and issues over shawdow that? Because that is life with an addict.
Your boyfriend has issues that run far deeper then the surface show of drug use. Right now today he is showing you exactly who he is and I believe all you are seeing is his "potential".
Keep reading, learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behavior to fully understand what you are up against.
I also sense you now feel obligated because you believe you are his only. only one who understands him, only one who can keep him clean/sober. And that's just not true, if addiction could be controlled by loving someone, understanding them then we wouldn't be dealing with it in the first place.
When we think that way and believe that we imprison ourselves to the outcome of someone else's choices and issues. We end up trying and trying and trying harder to save them from themselves losing ourselves along the way.
If you keep reading through the posts here you might see something referring to FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt....it's what keeps of kept many of us attached to unhealthy people and relationships.
It sounds like your relationship is new, kind of the dating stage, the getting to know you stage the less then 1 year stage and now you know him. You know his history, you know his issues, you know addiction is a life long disease and that you cannot control that. Is this how you in visioned a relationship to be? Is this the kind of relationship you've always dreamed of having? One where you feel untrusting, unsettled about what he may do? One where you do not feel free to do what is important to you because someome else's insecurities and issues over shawdow that? Because that is life with an addict.
Your boyfriend has issues that run far deeper then the surface show of drug use. Right now today he is showing you exactly who he is and I believe all you are seeing is his "potential".
Keep reading, learn as much as you can about addiction and addict behavior to fully understand what you are up against.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 6
I agree with everything you stated. My heart feels where is the boundary between guarding myself and giving him the second chance of happiness that everyone deserves? We have very similar personalities, have a great time together, truly do have aligned morals and future goals. The major difference is I'm keeping to my dreams and words and he's slacking. Is this normal 22 year old guy dragging his feet, or is it the addiction.
I have stated my discomfort with the fact he has been associating with guys he has admitted to partying and using with. These are kids he's known since kindergarten. He says he just can't blow off the friendship entirely, he's worried that his one friend will od on pills but claims he is staying distant. He said I need to communicate my discomfort Bc if he had known he wouldn't have gone. Some hang out days involve going swimming, getting food, or going hiking with those guys. Problem is the times he's gone out drinking with them, he has stated he was extremely wasted, yet if we drink together that never happens. These guys have nothing to lose (25- no car, works 1 day a week) he's risking getting a Dwi for them. While he was drunk he made a remark that i am letting the past infringe on our future. Meanwhile, he was very very open and honest about what they all did so why would he be surprised I get an attitude when he's with them?
I'm starting to think his male ego is affected. He is desparate for guy time and stupidly risks his sobriety so he's not bored while I'm busy. I have done a very good job creating boundaries. I say no when I want, go out with friends when id like. But the dependency and clingyness take its toll and I get irritated. I have yet to blow up on him because he is just so sensitive. Numerous occasions I have said "I'll let you know when I'm free" but every night he tries and then sulks when I deny him. I have tried to help him be less of a people pleaser, be more confident, every now and then I bully him a bit to step up and pick a grown up career.
Although it appears "fishy" I have yet to see any fishy signs of relapse. No weird erratic behavior, attitudes from coming down from a high, no physical signs like dilated pupils
Even though I don't see him everyday. If someone relapsed they cannot selectively choose what days they will use and not. I would definitely know when he was craving, high, or coming down. Wouldn't I?
I have stated my discomfort with the fact he has been associating with guys he has admitted to partying and using with. These are kids he's known since kindergarten. He says he just can't blow off the friendship entirely, he's worried that his one friend will od on pills but claims he is staying distant. He said I need to communicate my discomfort Bc if he had known he wouldn't have gone. Some hang out days involve going swimming, getting food, or going hiking with those guys. Problem is the times he's gone out drinking with them, he has stated he was extremely wasted, yet if we drink together that never happens. These guys have nothing to lose (25- no car, works 1 day a week) he's risking getting a Dwi for them. While he was drunk he made a remark that i am letting the past infringe on our future. Meanwhile, he was very very open and honest about what they all did so why would he be surprised I get an attitude when he's with them?
I'm starting to think his male ego is affected. He is desparate for guy time and stupidly risks his sobriety so he's not bored while I'm busy. I have done a very good job creating boundaries. I say no when I want, go out with friends when id like. But the dependency and clingyness take its toll and I get irritated. I have yet to blow up on him because he is just so sensitive. Numerous occasions I have said "I'll let you know when I'm free" but every night he tries and then sulks when I deny him. I have tried to help him be less of a people pleaser, be more confident, every now and then I bully him a bit to step up and pick a grown up career.
Although it appears "fishy" I have yet to see any fishy signs of relapse. No weird erratic behavior, attitudes from coming down from a high, no physical signs like dilated pupils
Even though I don't see him everyday. If someone relapsed they cannot selectively choose what days they will use and not. I would definitely know when he was craving, high, or coming down. Wouldn't I?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Addiction is addiction is addiction no matter the substance. just because he may not be using pills/drugs he's still very much in that party atmosphere.
When someone truely wants to change their lives, they do. They no longer hang out with people who are doing what they want to give up.
He is still playing with the same playmates on the same playground and the only thing that really has changed for him is that now he has a new attachment to you.
If cant comfortably have a relationship with the person exactly how they are today then you really have no business being in a relationship with them.
You seem to be working very hard at changing him, mo,ding him into your viewed expectations of what he could become.
The reality is, he is an addict and addicts don't like accountability or responsibility. He clearly is showing you this, lack of job or direction Who provides him with a car, gas, money to go drinking with his friends?
When someone truely wants to change their lives, they do. They no longer hang out with people who are doing what they want to give up.
He is still playing with the same playmates on the same playground and the only thing that really has changed for him is that now he has a new attachment to you.
If cant comfortably have a relationship with the person exactly how they are today then you really have no business being in a relationship with them.
You seem to be working very hard at changing him, mo,ding him into your viewed expectations of what he could become.
The reality is, he is an addict and addicts don't like accountability or responsibility. He clearly is showing you this, lack of job or direction Who provides him with a car, gas, money to go drinking with his friends?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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There's a difference between making someone change and guiding them to make positive choices which will increase his self-esteem. If he gets a new job he will meet different guys who are with positive influences (jobs, cars, girlfriends/wives = structure, stability, and responsibility) also he will feel he has more of a purpose. busy in constructive way, with friends his confidence will flourish. He can go bowl, grab dinner, go to a concert with guys with a good head on their shoulders. He continues to come to me and ask for my help to study with him.
Secondly. He does have a job where he makes good money, has decent savings acquired in the last 7 months and leased the car and pays for it and his iPhone himself. I will give credit where it's due he has become very self sufficient and is responsible to his job and Bill obligations
Secondly. He does have a job where he makes good money, has decent savings acquired in the last 7 months and leased the car and pays for it and his iPhone himself. I will give credit where it's due he has become very self sufficient and is responsible to his job and Bill obligations
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I apologize I didn't make myself clear. It's his friends that still use drugs that do not have jobs, cars, have no money, in debt, can't afford to take their girlfriends on dates because they only pay for their habit.
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Needy people are a huge turnoff to me, so by just reading your post I become exhausted with all that clinginess. You have every right to your "you" time. And, you've tried to be polite about it, but the message isn't getting thru. Without being mean, I would clearly state what you need for yourself "I need two evenings a week where I can spend time with my friends, family, on my studies without hourly checkups from you, this doesn't mean that I don't care for you, or that we are breaking up, it just means that I want some "me" time". And, then on those evenings, turn. your. phone. off.
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my instinct senses that he's probably using. If he is hanging around with addicts and given some of the issues you present here - then that's who he is. You lay out a somewhat nice case but it seems a bit too 'neat' - why is it that you are on a forum for substance abusers loved ones ? something must have caused you to seek out info about addictions ? you also do not seem to be comfortable with his 'neediness' ... as if it feels 'a bit off' ... trust your instinct. Read the stories posted here and the stickies at the top of this forum. You may begin to find clues as to what you are feeling. We have been thru it all.
You are young and have so much potential - try not to lose yourself trying to 'help' someone who is clearly capable of helping himself. Check out the sticky about codependence.
Best to you, hugs poppyon
Joie
You are young and have so much potential - try not to lose yourself trying to 'help' someone who is clearly capable of helping himself. Check out the sticky about codependence.
Best to you, hugs poppyon
Joie
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A good friend of mine dated a heroin user. She knew of his use and stayed with him, even when he was actively using right in front of her. She left him when she realized it was only getting worse and that her love couldn't conquer his addiction. Talking with her yesterday, we both aligned stories about the "clingyness". She is definitely scarred from that relationship and I can tell she is rightfully jaded and very set because her personal experience with it led to a failed relationship. I guess I was just seeking other individuals who have dealt with a loved one that is or has used. and looking for the silver lining that it is possible he is being honest about being clean.
The first 5 months of dating we hung out with my friends and our families. Once my schedule became very busy instead of staying in his room before work since he works later at night... He started picking up their offers to grab food and what not. Prior to meeting me 3 people in his life overdosed scaring him immensely. he was only smoking pot for the 6 months before we met, slipping one pill.
Am I genuinely an idiot to believe he has enough self control around these guys?
The first 5 months of dating we hung out with my friends and our families. Once my schedule became very busy instead of staying in his room before work since he works later at night... He started picking up their offers to grab food and what not. Prior to meeting me 3 people in his life overdosed scaring him immensely. he was only smoking pot for the 6 months before we met, slipping one pill.
Am I genuinely an idiot to believe he has enough self control around these guys?
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instinct is everything ... however it seems tough to make ourselves accept what we already 'know'. Experience shows us that if we suspect - there's a likelihood that it's true. Drugs don't let many loose, not cold turkey while hanging out with people who use. And clingy people also turn me off. My Ex ABF became clingy when he was using. With you not seeing him more than once a week, it may be possible for him to 'mask' his usage, etc. Each addict needs at least ONE good person to depend upon. Some times threatening that they will 'die' or may 'want to die' if we leave. They will NOT but if they threaten suicide, or even the hint of it - call 911. If they are using it to manipulate - they will find out right away that you aren't playin' that game.
I think you are aware inside yourself, but your heart wants to believe something else. Just my opinion which is more difficult here but odds are ... not aligning with being clean.
Recovering addicts don't hang around with Actively using addicts.
And once we have been thru this - we know what it 'looks like'
Good luck Poppyon.
I think you are aware inside yourself, but your heart wants to believe something else. Just my opinion which is more difficult here but odds are ... not aligning with being clean.
Recovering addicts don't hang around with Actively using addicts.
And once we have been thru this - we know what it 'looks like'
Good luck Poppyon.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Two of the most common symptoms of addiction are obsession and compulsion. The use of drugs/alcohol is only another symptom. As is obsessing about another person. If he is still has his savings, he's probably not using drugs at this time, but that doesn't mean he is healthy.
Nature Girl
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All of his guy friends and members of his family have had drug issues, so he has no one to confide in but me.
I agree with CynicalOne, it's time to give yourself the time and space you need to take care of you and your life. That doesn't mean you can't be part of his, it just means that you set boundaries on your time...and the suggestion to turn you phone off is a good one but the fact that you have to, to avoid him is an indicator that he is not listening to YOUR needs.
I really hope he remains clean and sober and that he finds a happier life to go with it.
Hugs
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