ella213

I packed everything nicely and left him an encouraging note. I saw a text message that he traded my diamond pendant for drugs. I didn't even like it much; it was a gift from an ex-boyfriend (who paid $800 for it) and I never wore it. But he just took it and traded it for $50 of heroin.

He left for his 12-step meeting tonight super depressed, but functioning, after nearly 20 hours without drugs. He came home happy and upbeat but "promised!!!" he didn't use. Then I saw the text about my necklace and another text where he got some drug from some dude this afternoon. As I was reading his phone, he grabbed it from me. I tried to hang on but he pried my hands apart and said in a very derisive tone "You think you can keep it away from me?"

I'm so worried.. What will he do, where will he go, will he think I'm unfair, will his family hate me, will the baby miss him too much, will I be able to cover the bills? I don't even have clear criteria for him to meet to come home. Which leaves me open to manipulation and backpeddling!! I couldn't decide on criteria, all I know is that this has to end now.

CodeJob

Hello Ella,

You've made a big step in a boundary. It's OK that you aren't sure what the parameters are quite yet.

One day I put a 24 hour lock changing company into my cell phone. Then months later I called it and made arrangements for them to come over. My H was beyond livid when I called him and Informed him he had broke the boundary of no drinking so he was seriously out.

It was a bit over the top and technically illegal. But hey he did finally go to an inpatient rehab and got sober. So he may never forgive me for it, and he may never see that my reinforcement of my boundary (no more drinking at our family home) was a deep act of love for him. But it was also an act of love and parenting towards our son. And it was an act of love towards myself. I deserved a home where addiction did not reign. And so do you and your child.

CarmenLove

Well done Ella,

That is one of the hard bits.

I had all the same questions, and while I have no specific answers for you, I can tell you that you WILL be OK.

Life starts to get easier once they are gone and you can start focusing on yourself and your life.

BIG hugs.

ella213

Thanks for your support, it means so much. I have knots in my stomach... He left his bags and I'm afraid he will refuse to leave.. I'm dreading the whole thing, he knows all my buttons.

toadie54

So sorry to see what you are going through, and him for that matter.

mnh1982

You will worry whether or not he's there.
You will feel guilt whether or not he's there.
You will blame yourself any time it seems your child misses him, whether or not he's there.

You will be happier only WITHOUT him.
You will no longer have to worry about HIM, only without him.
You will re-learn self-love, self-respect & self-confidence only if you are finally without him.
You will be a less-stressed, less-sorrowful, better parent to your child without him.

Good for you. Now keep going.

alterity

Ella, as the eldest sister of an addict, the daughter of two addicts (Dad alcoholic, Mom loved her pot and coke), and former girlfriend of an addict, it took me over 15 years to understand my codependency and how to set boundaries. It can be overwhelming to let go, to loosen the need to control, and to stop protecting and rescuing those you love. You have a child, though, who does need protection and care beyond anyone else in your life. My two cents. Best of luck, sending a prayer your way.

ladyscribbler

If he won't leave tell him you'll press charges for the theft of the pendant. If he shows up high call the police. Don't even open the door. Let him trade his own stuff for drugs.

alterity

Are you two married?

ella213

Yes we are married 3+ yrs. He left yesterday, I can't believe it. He didn't try to bargain with me or anything. Last night I had a fun time in the garage with my toddler! She disassembled an entire toolbox and drew on herself with a sharpie, while I worked on a project AH started (while high). I was feeling pretty good but then he texted that he needed to get something from the house. I told him to take whatever he needs because he doesn't live here anymore. I felt so bad for him, especially since he's cooperating.. I ate handfuls of lasagna (yes, handfuls) from the fridge because mindless food consumption is how I deal.

ella213

Thanks for all your replies. You all have insights and experience; I am learning.

I deleted my Mint app so I won't keep checking how he's spending his money.

And last night's food binge was isolated, I've finally started losing the baby weight (now toddler weight??) since I made peace that he was going to have to leave.. It was a few weeks ago that I "knew" he's be leaving... I guess I was waiting for a catalyst. You never have to wait long with an addict, they are very obliging.

biminiblue

ella, good for you.

Do you have face to face support? Family or friends or support group? I wish I had that when I split with my ex. I managed without it, but it probably would have helped.

I subbed food for relationships for a long time. Then I had to lose 50+ pounds. That was daunting!

mnh1982

Oh, honey. When I kicked my exAH out, he put up a fight for a very short while, & then left because he knew I was serious.
What hurts is that he hasn't bothered in the slightest to keep contact, with me or with the baby, & he certainly hasn't made any steps toward reconciliation, or getting back into treatment, or any of the things I asked him to do as a last-ditch effort to see if he wanted to work things out.

This is going to sound callous, hurtful & mean but...

That's how much we mean to them.

Actions, not words. Efforts, not intentions.

If they're not following through on those things, then you can rest assured that you've done the right thing by getting rid of them, because in the end, you mean less to them than their DOC.

IneedJesus

Let's not waste time on ButtFace Bobby because he lied about using or AssWipe William for not getting a timely sponsor. Ella, you inspire so many with the kindness that you offer in this gut wrenching time in this real life reality. It is and would be appropriate for spouses of addicts to lash out unexpectedly due to all the unknown bombshells that one may harbor. I've seen in your post responses that each situation you are involved with AH you offer love, lots of love, grace, your grace seems abundant. Knowing that grace is a charteristics learned from God baffles me with how you wisely and safely you can decide and use wise discernment. I can't tell you how big of a faithful believer I could be if I was your AH because it appears he is the sole cause of this situation , regardless of zero, mild , to moderate effort. What I can hold firmly to is Ella , you and your family are so cared about that the holy spirit can put words on a strangers heart and they will be compelled, almost Forza to share the good news. No, she wasn't told about the years to follow with constant emotional worrying. Ella, remaining faithful through this will be told to others of how this godly woman fought evil and sin to honor and love the husband and family she committed to living with.
It's obvious he has hurt you and left scars . I bet he has scars of his own from maybe parents and obviously using chemical substances. The glory of all this rambling I just wrote simply means if chosen " you both can be broken together, comfort another as dreams are shattered, to treat your wife as " some quote from C.S. Lewis " said. Yeah, that's a good quote; ) toodles