jennym

I have been with him for over 2 years. When i met him he was sober but quickly went on about a 6 month binge on crack. Since then, 18 months, he has been sober but he is always complaining that I dont love him enough or meet his needs. He still drinks and lately has all kinds of contact with all the drug friends vis facebook and text. He has a great job and we go to church but he is never happy and snaps back to miserable so fast. Its just with me though. For everyone else he puts on a show.Everything is my fault in his eyes. So i alter to give him what he needs and he changes it again.He doesnt like when I show my friends or children attention. Then suddenly for a few days I am his world and so wonderful and he tells me how happy and grateful he is to have me. Yet, it never lasts. It's been getting to the point that he is just mean and unhappy but blaming me. For a long time i accepted he was finding himself sober but I'm to the point that maybe this is just him. I have told him maybe he just isnt that into me and we should break up but then he suddenly lives me again. Has anyone else found this to be the case in their relationship?

CodeJob

Hello Jenn,

Swapping drinking for crack isn't really sober.

As for the relationship issues, you are describing a classic cycle.

The Cycle of Abuse | Respect For Women

Why are you still in this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

AnvilheadII

hey there and welcome. first off, if he is still drinking he is NOT sober. being off crack IS a good thing, but continuing to drink means he is still thinking with an impaired mind. plus he is still in contact with the old drug connections.

as you have seen now, no matter WHAT you do, or try, or how you change, it isn't good enough FOR HIM. so you can stop trying to bend yourself into a pretzel.

how he treats you is deplorable. you do not deserve it AT ALL. you will have to decide for yourself how much more abuse you want to take. and yes, this IS abuse.........

ella213

I empathize, my AH relapsed after we met and his "sober" stretches always include alcohol (...and tobacco, and porn, and "energy drinks").

He will try to counter my complaints about his addictions by saying that I don't turn off the lights when I leave the room, or I forget to shut the cupboards, or I never hit "clear" on the microwave when I'm done using it. No, seriously, these are his go-to complaints

It's all about blame-shifting and putting you on the defensive.

Refiner

Hi and welcome! This is ABUSE plain and simple that NO one deserves including you. Why do you choose to stay in it and have your self-respect chipped away?

Falseclaimsact

This is not okay, even on a "good" day when he "loves" you

CarmenLove

Hi Jenny,

I was listening to a podcast about toxic/abusive people last night. While I could find some of the traits in my ex and my relationship with my ex, how you described your man here is EXACTLY how they described the toxic / abusive person. To the T.

Sending hugs. It's vital that you realise what effect this may be having on your self esteem and do whatever is needed to take care of yourself.