Falseclaimsact

Hi. How is everybody.

I am trying to keep it together. In my last update I said how I had moved out of state with my baby and basically my addict fiance had no plans to join us. I had a job opportunity, and left peacefully. Things have been working well for me and the baby. I'm closer to my family and we get a lot of support.

I got a whirlwind phone call the other day from F and he said he is planning on moving down here in the middle of the month, he got an apartment, his aunt is buying him a car. He very casually said that he is going to watch the baby while I am at work, so fire the nanny. I told him I was uncomfortable with that, and he got very angry.

I want to understand where he is coming from, I know that it must hurt his feelings when I say that I can't trust him to be with the baby alone. But the stakes are too high. He purports to be in recovery, he has his five month chip, he goes to meetings, see? But I know he's been high within the past three months, I trust my instincts and I live in reality. The lie is so deep in him.

I don't know what goes on in his head but he cannot watch the baby alone. I tell him this, and he says he's been clean. Not true. Even if it were, doesn't somebody who alleges to be in early recovery understand that trust takes time? It wasn't so long ago that he was arrested with an amount that would kill somebody (magically, punishable by one day of painting a fence). He is unable to hear me on this because he is still so ill. I'm feeling pretty sick myself.

MyJoey

Wow that's a hard one but I agree I wouldn't allow him alone with the baby. He can see the baby when your there. However wait and see how this plays out, addicts say things all the time that never really happen.

FeelingGreat

I think your instincts are spot-on but does he have any legal right to shared custody? You say you know he's been high at the time when he claims to have been sober; can anyone back you up on that?
It's interesting that he intends to look after your daughter full time which means he won't be working. I wonder who's going to pay the bills?

GardenMama

This is a hard spot to be in. Perhaps you could contact a legal services non-profit for legal/custody advice? Try to set up a custody arrangement that takes into account his addiction issues? There are people who can help you--you don't have to figure it out all alone. Gather your forces! The baby's safety is a number one priority, and he can still be in her life, I would hope, but not as a full-time caregiver at this point.

I am glad you made a move to a place where you have support, a new life, and a new job! I hope it goes well for both of you!

Hope14

Does he think you're going to pay him to watch your baby?

garfiild

This was my immediate thought too, although granted I don't know FCA's back story. Whether he said so or not, whether FCA thought that or not, I can absolutely see "I'll be your nanny and you can pay me instead" in the back of A's mind...

Falseclaimsact

Good question. I don't think so though....he believes he'd be helping me, maybe he thinks he'd be doing "his share"? I try not to wonder what his thought process is....it wouldn't make sense to me even if I knew..

Just hard to try and find a place to balance. How can you communicate with someone who isn't thinking straight?

I'm feeling sad that he seems far away from really embracing recovery.

I also have a hard time with that thought..."he's not doing anything to get better"....Like am i trying to force my expectations onto him? A standard to meet?

I still have hurt feelings (& beyond), and to think he has no clue about them.....To think he has no CLUE about the anxiousness I feel when he says he's coming to be with us........... .......I can't really wrap up that thought, I am not thinking straight either.

Scary.

GardenMama

Have you found support for yourself at a face-to-face meeting, such as NarAnon or AlAnon, or perhaps even a counselor? It is really hard to get perspective all alone in the madness that addiction reaps on everyone. I have found great comfort and wisdom in my NarAnon circle. I hope you have a good and restful night's sleep.

Hope14

When my addict was hurt that I wouldn't allow him to watch the baby I made it all about me. Told him I'm sorry that this hurts him but my maternal instincts will not allow it. I'm traumatised by what has happened and I just need time. Lots of time. Then every time he brought it up again I just told him how sorry I was. Thankfully the discussion never escalated. I tried not to get all my guns out at once and save them for when I really needed them, like threats of legal advice etc. because he does have parental rights.

Ileana

For me, a big sign the person is embracing sobriety and moving forward is the ability to understand the hurt the person has caused others. The continued "self-centered" attitude is a sure sign that he/she is either lying about sobriety, or not fulling embracing sobriety. No way in hell that I would allow him to be alone with my baby, never no how. And if he doesn't understand your lack of trust...well, then tell him he's not spending enough time reading the Big Book.

Falseclaimsact

GM, thank you for your kind words and suggestions, I fell into a nar anon group that I click with and it's a priority that I attend weekly.

Hope14, "all about me" is a workable approach, I like it, thank you...

Ilana, thanks for your great insight, I spend a lot of energy trying to figure out what is preventing him from understanding my point of view.

What's that line, change your thinking and things will change? I botched it, but I'm working on the underlying idea.

JOIE12

It's a compliment to you that you have 'standards to meet'. You are a momma and you cannot change an addict.

And you will drive yourself to near insanity trying. Leaving a child in his care demonstrates just how easy it would be to tolerate what we normally would not. He would have care of your precious little one while using DRUGS. I see him trying to get you to compromise your values. It's all manipulation. Eventually he would just end up staying and you would be right back where you started. You fought the battle, don't give up now. You have so much riding on this - for you and for your child.

You are an awesome person FCA, a bright future and the greatest gift ever bestowed upon you. A child.