Shanshan

After many attempts to pour my heart out ( which did nothing) to my ABF, I decided that I couldn't deal with the emotional upset anymore. I wished him luck in finding the right path as I needed to start taking care of myself. The response I got, instead of his usual lack of response, or denial and avoiding intentionally was ' but I'm not saying bye😪, but I understand...

And that was it.....
I feel even further rejected but maybe he knows it's for the best as well. I dunno. I'm just sad and trying to move forward

JOIE12

I'm sorry that you are going thru this.

They have one thought and don't care who they run over in the process. As soon as you begin to take your life back, they are gone. It's a sad cycle but predictable. We've been there and know how it feels.

Please try to focus on you, try going to an Alanon or Naranon meeting. Coda if possible. It will help you to refocus and be with people who understand what you are feeling.

Hugs Shanshan
Joie

Shanshan

Thank you joie,

I guess we always just want an answer why? Why this and why that, and just wanting to be validated for our feelings that we've allowed them to cause. I get mad, then sad and miss my best friend. What a horrible thing to be stuck in

JOIE12

I used to tell myself that the man that I knew was gone and the one that replaced him wasn't going to work out.

All of the feelings that go along with that are very real and very painful but it's less pain than tolerating the heartache. Moving on sounds so easy when we know it is not - but it is necessary. I didn't like being a part time need.

Good luck to you, keep us updated and you can private message me if you would like.

Hugs
Joie

Shanshan

He showed interest in rational recovery, I tried to stay detached, so many promises of having the boat done up with stereo and lights for us to go explore, carving me my angel wings that I've wanted for ages, all these plans for the next 3 days together for my birthday TODAY that he pulled out from underneath me last night as drugs and going missing is more important, surprised, but not

atalose

There are 2 why’s in play here.

His why – that's the easy one, because he’s an alcoholic and the only meaningful relationship he will have is with his bottle/drugs until HE decides to stop.

Your why – that is your journey to discover. Why do you continue to accept unacceptable behavior from him? Why do you continue to set yourself up for disappointments from him? Why are your fears of letting him go holding you back?

Shanshan

I simply do not know except that I love him.

atalose

Well, what NEED does he fill of yours?

Shanshan

I can't describe it, but probably the same as what you others desired

CodeJob

A very kind happy b-day to you! Did you do something sweet for yourself? Lunch with a friend? A manicure? You seem upset but not surprised at his behavior, so I guess he's pulled AWOL before. Bummer.

Shanshan

Yes awol before, not sure why I thought my bday would make any difference.

Melissa0067

Shanshan, I can totally empathize with you. My A fought with me for 28 hours leading up to my birthday dinner, made me completely miserable for that entire day. We then ended up in a huge fight and he moved his stuff out at 6 pm on my birthday, and I ate the most disgusting McDonald's cheeseburger at 10 pm in my car by myself. Still looking to have a redo of that night and have the dinner I wanted to have.

I will do for myself what he is not capable of. You need to look out for yourself. They just don't have it in them. ��

Ap052183

Three months later and I'm still consumed by this. Why? How do they not understand how they make others feel. It's maddening. We're left with no closure. We have to find it on our own.
I'm sorry.

Ilovemysonjj

It sounds like the A's cannot or will not take responsibility to making someone else's life happy. My son is my A. My son JJ (my A) disappeared for 5 months once. Once found and after many months in jail and rehab: I let him back in. he continued to take my soul and possessions and I helplessly stood by. One thing he did tell me later. When he went "dark", he didn't want to face me to discuss the addiction. My advice?
Detach and let it run its course. It takes time for you and it removes the entire comfort zone he is used to.

Shanshan

Thanks for the replies, having support lessens the blow knowing others have experienced what your feeling. I was born guilty, not sure how it happened im either a lesson or a blessin to people, I'm here to take the emotional beatings to teach people in this life. Sad but true

AnvilheadII

we are here to learn our OWN lessons.
why don't you dump this jerk and rid yourself of all this grief?

CarmenLove

OK I am going to answer this for myself because I think this is an important question for me.

This is what I came up with so far:

Easy / pleasant company.
Cuddles / contact / touch.
Familiarity.

OK now I am going to look a little deeper at each:

Easy / pleasant company. Yes, in between the times I was freaking out feeling crazy because I knew he was lying to me or he disappeared for hours. Because I knew what was going on 'behind the scenes' I found I could never really appreciate that 'pleasant company' because I was too busy watching for whether he was high, or, towards the end feeling totally trapped and stiflingly depressed.

He WAS easy / pleasant company much of the time in the beginning. I miss that. However the truth is sometimes I would also get frustrated because he did not challenge me or provide much stimulating conversation.

Cuddles / contact / touch - he was very loving. However when I knew he was using I couldn't bear to be close to him or allow cuddles etc. I remember he used to always kiss my hair on the back of my head in the morning while I was snoozing when he got up to go to work. That is a truly nice memory. I loved that. However in the end that just wasn't enough compared to the lying, crazy making, loneliness, lack of money, confusion and depression I felt in that relationship!

Familiarity - yes he did fill that need. Although logically I appreciate familiar is not necessarily good.

I know that I desire more from my romantic partner.

And I do miss some of what we had together.

It's not worth if for me though.

I hope he is OK. That is up to him though.

atalose

Easy / pleasant company.
Cuddles / contact / touch.
Familiarity.



A’s are usually easy/pleasant company especially when they are feeling good from being high/drunk. When that phase passes and they become obnoxious verbal abusers then finally pass out they do tend to become easy/and for some pleasant (non-verbal anymore) company.

Cuddles/contact/touch – often when they are trying to get their own way or manipulate us into something involving cash/rides/purchases.

Familiarity – Yes that old “it’s easier to dance with the devil you know then the one you don’t”. Well, I have learned that the devil doesn’t come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything I’ve ever wished for…….

I think when we reach just a little deeper we can discover that FEAR our fears of new, starting over with someone else are what keep convincing us to stay in these toxic un-healthy relationships for far longer than we should.

CarmenLove

You could be right.

Mine didn't become a verbal obnoxious abuser. However he would withdraw (I suppose when he was withdrawing!!! doh), and also towards the end he took to going to bed very early in the spare room, assumedly to use, so then he was no company at all!

Cuddles etc - he was always quite cuddly, even before the addiction. I was the one who didn't feel safe (emotionally) to get close anymore. He was a 'functioning addict' when I left so he didn't really try to butter me up for money or anything. Although for about the last year I paid for most things while we were away traveling as I was the one working for the most part. He got a job when we got back, however money was somehow always scare back then (I think we know why).

And yes, I think it is fear that keeps us in unhealthy relationships. For me the specific fear was 'what if this is it? What if there truly is not something better for me?'

CodeJob

No. This is not why you are here. You need to re-focus on your personal life goals and lessons. You are not here to be some sort of emotional whipping post. If you are aware that is how multiple people treat you, then you need to figure out how to detach and say, No.