Saw my ex in a bar... And he is supposedly in recovery!
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Saw my ex in a bar... And he is supposedly in recovery!
It's been just about a month since I went No Contact with my ex boyfriend due to his opiate addiction. I hadn't seen him for about 2 weeks prior to that. I was out with a small group of friends on Saturday night in a bar, and who walked in but my ex. One of my friends is currently dating a good friend of his, and she informed me that my ex had just gotten out of drug rehab again, about a week earlier. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't bars a big no no for someone in early recovery? He didn't have a drinking problem, but still...
Not to sound rude or unkind, but he looked like crap. He definitely gained weight. He had a disheveled appearance, oversized baggy clothes, and scruffy facial hair. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed. One of my friends said she thought he looked like a homeless person! He walked by us and said hi. Then he hugged me and stood there attempting to make small talk with me! I ignored him until he got the point, and he moved to a different section of the bar.
He approached me shortly after that, and asked if we could go outside to talk. Once outside, he told me that he is now 35 days sober, has clarity for the first time in years, loves this "new version" of himself, and that this is who he really is. He also told me that he is living with his parents, his car got repossessed, and he quit his job. He hated that job, so he quit, due to it being a strong "trigger" for him (but being in a bar one week out of rehab isn't a trigger?). He said that he came out of rehab a different and better person, and is much more optimistic and motivated (quitting his job and moving back home with his parents is motivated?).
I told him that I was happy for him, and then I started to go back into the bar. He took my hand, smiled, and said "where are you going? Why are you acting so weird?" Really? What did he expect me to say or do? I told him that I was going back inside to be with my friends.
An argument ensued. It was like all of a sudden, his personality shifted. He told me that I caused him a lot of stress when we were together, because I was always hounding or nagging him about something, or I was complaining about something. So I said "I'm sorry you feel that way. But what about the stress that you caused me?" He said that all he was trying to do was put his life back together, and that I was selfish and inconsiderate for putting my feelings above his sickness and recovery. He said I always took things way too personally, and that I was making this all about me. He said he did nothing wrong, and that he wasn't going to stand there and listen to me rattle off all the ways that I feel he mistreated me.
I stayed calm and told him that he was wrong, that I spent months putting him and his needs ahead of my own. I said all I ever tried to do was help him, and that the only thing that ever mattered to me was that he got well. I told him that I hope he continues to stay happy and healthy. And I went back inside the bar. He did not come inside again after that.
I have no idea what to think about the entire exchange. I do know that I made the right choice in going no contact. I don't even miss him anymore. I find it hard to believe that 3 weeks in rehab could change a person so much, that he suddenly has all this newfound clarity and self love. Must be a hell of a miracle rehab facility! And the fact that he seems to feel no remorse for the things he did or what he put me through, really makes me question it even more. I can't believe how quickly he tried to shift all the blame onto me. I am starting to think that he has a mood disorder or a personality disorder. And the fact that he's in a bar so fresh out of rehab... I don't even know where to start with that one. He may be sober now, but his words seem to indicate that it will only be a matter of time before he relapses. My friend told me that he hasn't been to a single meeting since he left rehab, that he does not have a counselor, nor does he have any plans for follow up treatment. He apparently thinks he is "cured."
I'm proud of myself on how I handled it though. I was able to go back to my friends and not let it ruin my night. My friends even said that I've come a long way... If this had happened a month ago, I would have been a crying mess and probably would have ended the evening early and gone home. Anyone who is going through something similar, keep your head up! It really does get better.
Not to sound rude or unkind, but he looked like crap. He definitely gained weight. He had a disheveled appearance, oversized baggy clothes, and scruffy facial hair. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed. One of my friends said she thought he looked like a homeless person! He walked by us and said hi. Then he hugged me and stood there attempting to make small talk with me! I ignored him until he got the point, and he moved to a different section of the bar.
He approached me shortly after that, and asked if we could go outside to talk. Once outside, he told me that he is now 35 days sober, has clarity for the first time in years, loves this "new version" of himself, and that this is who he really is. He also told me that he is living with his parents, his car got repossessed, and he quit his job. He hated that job, so he quit, due to it being a strong "trigger" for him (but being in a bar one week out of rehab isn't a trigger?). He said that he came out of rehab a different and better person, and is much more optimistic and motivated (quitting his job and moving back home with his parents is motivated?).
I told him that I was happy for him, and then I started to go back into the bar. He took my hand, smiled, and said "where are you going? Why are you acting so weird?" Really? What did he expect me to say or do? I told him that I was going back inside to be with my friends.
An argument ensued. It was like all of a sudden, his personality shifted. He told me that I caused him a lot of stress when we were together, because I was always hounding or nagging him about something, or I was complaining about something. So I said "I'm sorry you feel that way. But what about the stress that you caused me?" He said that all he was trying to do was put his life back together, and that I was selfish and inconsiderate for putting my feelings above his sickness and recovery. He said I always took things way too personally, and that I was making this all about me. He said he did nothing wrong, and that he wasn't going to stand there and listen to me rattle off all the ways that I feel he mistreated me.
I stayed calm and told him that he was wrong, that I spent months putting him and his needs ahead of my own. I said all I ever tried to do was help him, and that the only thing that ever mattered to me was that he got well. I told him that I hope he continues to stay happy and healthy. And I went back inside the bar. He did not come inside again after that.
I have no idea what to think about the entire exchange. I do know that I made the right choice in going no contact. I don't even miss him anymore. I find it hard to believe that 3 weeks in rehab could change a person so much, that he suddenly has all this newfound clarity and self love. Must be a hell of a miracle rehab facility! And the fact that he seems to feel no remorse for the things he did or what he put me through, really makes me question it even more. I can't believe how quickly he tried to shift all the blame onto me. I am starting to think that he has a mood disorder or a personality disorder. And the fact that he's in a bar so fresh out of rehab... I don't even know where to start with that one. He may be sober now, but his words seem to indicate that it will only be a matter of time before he relapses. My friend told me that he hasn't been to a single meeting since he left rehab, that he does not have a counselor, nor does he have any plans for follow up treatment. He apparently thinks he is "cured."
I'm proud of myself on how I handled it though. I was able to go back to my friends and not let it ruin my night. My friends even said that I've come a long way... If this had happened a month ago, I would have been a crying mess and probably would have ended the evening early and gone home. Anyone who is going through something similar, keep your head up! It really does get better.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Actions speak louder than words and your ex should not be at a bar. Recovery is about abstinence of drugs including alcohol.
Addicts are very selfish people and will do anything to get what they want.
You seem very strong. You are doing the right thing by staying away and no contact. He will only bring you down.
I've been there and it's hard but just take one day at a time.
Hugs!
Addicts are very selfish people and will do anything to get what they want.
You seem very strong. You are doing the right thing by staying away and no contact. He will only bring you down.
I've been there and it's hard but just take one day at a time.
Hugs!
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Getting Stronger, you sound STRONG and OVER it/HIM... GOOD! Do you really think it was just happenstance that he showed up at the bar you were in? Me thinks he went looking for you just to see if he could lure you back. He certainly isn't working on recovery and is only kidding himself that this is the NEW him and he's SOOOOO motivated. And you see right through it LOL. As soon as he saw it didn't work, he did a 180 on you with the old tricks of blame shifting and excuses. GOOD for YOU to walk away. How pathetic he is.
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Thank you everyone. I figured we would run into each other sooner or later, since we have some mutual friends in common. I just didn't think it would be this soon. I almost burst out laughing when he said that I was selfish and inconsiderate. I did so much to try and help him, at the expense of my own happiness sometimes. The longer we stood there and he saw that his words were not affecting me, the meaner he got. He said that I wasn't being understanding at all, that he was getting annoyed and pissed at how I was handling everything, and that I was starting to bring him back to the "dark place" that he had been trying to leave behind. He said he had been trying to let go of the things I did that caused him so much stress, but here I was, repeatedly doing and saying the same things over and over. The whole thing just really made no sense.
A few of my friends said that they thought he was trying to shift the blame like that because he doesn't want to have to admit or own up to anything he did. The way he started saying out saying how happy he was, he's a changed man, he's fixing his life, etc., I got the feeling he was trying to kind of sweep everything under the rug, and not have to bring up anything negative that happened between us. From what I understand, part of being in recovery is working on rebuilding relationships that were damaged while the addict was using, or at least apologizing or attempting to make amends for any wrongdoings. I don't see him doing any of that.
I feel very strong, and for the first time in a long time, I feel more positive about my future. My life is all up to me now. He no longer has the ability to hold me back, and I'm really glad that he is no longer my problem, either.
A few of my friends said that they thought he was trying to shift the blame like that because he doesn't want to have to admit or own up to anything he did. The way he started saying out saying how happy he was, he's a changed man, he's fixing his life, etc., I got the feeling he was trying to kind of sweep everything under the rug, and not have to bring up anything negative that happened between us. From what I understand, part of being in recovery is working on rebuilding relationships that were damaged while the addict was using, or at least apologizing or attempting to make amends for any wrongdoings. I don't see him doing any of that.
I feel very strong, and for the first time in a long time, I feel more positive about my future. My life is all up to me now. He no longer has the ability to hold me back, and I'm really glad that he is no longer my problem, either.
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when I read your post - I hear the narcissism. I would like to hope that he is clean and working his recovery but in the words you write - I only see what an active addict always says. Blame instead of acknowledging his own responsibilities.
You are better off, stay strong.
You are better off, stay strong.
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Joie12, EXTREME narcissism. He's always been like that. A lot of people who we both know, think that he is cocky and arrogant, and full of himself. I hoped that trait would subside or be straightened out after going through rehab, but that trait has unfortunately gotten worse. As I said in the first post, I really believe he has some kind of personality or mood disorder. Knowing him the way I do, I feel that unless he gets to the root of whatever those issues are, he is going to relapse for sure.
I just couldn't believe the way he was talking down to me, making it seem as though I was the one with the problems and that he did absolutely nothing wrong. The way he twisted everything around and shifted all the blame back on to me, after everything we went through together in our relationship. Trust me, I KNOW that I am better off. It feels really good to say that now and actually believe it
I just couldn't believe the way he was talking down to me, making it seem as though I was the one with the problems and that he did absolutely nothing wrong. The way he twisted everything around and shifted all the blame back on to me, after everything we went through together in our relationship. Trust me, I KNOW that I am better off. It feels really good to say that now and actually believe it
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Wow! I love the way you stood your ground and spoke your truth. It sounds like he didn't learn anything in rehab, recovery is supposed to be all about personal accountability and sounds like he has none of it.
There are people in recovery who still frequent bars- for numerous reasons - and just drink soda, myself included . But this guy sounds like he has a lot of work to do before being "recovered", putting down the drink (or drug) obviously wasn't enough for him - which is usually the first thing taught in rehab.
There are people in recovery who still frequent bars- for numerous reasons - and just drink soda, myself included . But this guy sounds like he has a lot of work to do before being "recovered", putting down the drink (or drug) obviously wasn't enough for him - which is usually the first thing taught in rehab.
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many addicts, if not all addicts, seem to have some type of personality or mood disorder. Perhaps mental illness and that is why they turn to drugs or alcohol. The jury is still out on this but it appears to be gaining ground in the battle for treatment options.
Narcissism grows with drug addiction. Gaslighting becomes constant as the addiction progresses. It destroys everyone in it's path.
Narcissism grows with drug addiction. Gaslighting becomes constant as the addiction progresses. It destroys everyone in it's path.
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Originally Posted by Gettngstronger1 
I just couldn't believe the way he was talking down to me, making it seem as though I was the one with the problems and that he did absolutely nothing wrong. The way he twisted everything around and shifted all the blame back on to me, after everything we went through together in our relationship.
Keep moving forward!
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Thank you, everyone. I'm not going to lie, it's been really hard. It seems like every time I find myself feeling better and not thinking about him as much, I'll have a day that sets me back when I don't expect it. I had a minor meltdown last night. Nothing precipitated it. I was home doing laundry, and next thing I knew, I was thinking about him and crying. Does that ever happen to any of you?
I really miss what we had, and the person who he was before the drugs took over. That person is gone now. Maybe that person never really existed to begin with. Sometimes I feel as though I'm grieving, like this was a death instead of a break up. I definitely have more good days than bad days though, and even when I'm sad, I always know that I did the right thing by going No Contact. Hugs and warm thoughts to you all.
I really miss what we had, and the person who he was before the drugs took over. That person is gone now. Maybe that person never really existed to begin with. Sometimes I feel as though I'm grieving, like this was a death instead of a break up. I definitely have more good days than bad days though, and even when I'm sad, I always know that I did the right thing by going No Contact. Hugs and warm thoughts to you all.
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you are grieving, we all do in some way when faced with a loss.
ever leave your cellphone at home??? and for the rest of the day you feel like you lost an appendage? anything or anyone who has been in our life for a period of time and has become a PART of that life leaves an imprint. some bigger than others. and when they are no longer there, we are faced with a void, the empty space they once filled.
i imagine that since being home and doing laundry is a "normal" and safe activity, that doesn't require a lot of thought, it allowed your sadness to rise to the surface. and that is ok. feel it, own it, and then let it be.
ever leave your cellphone at home??? and for the rest of the day you feel like you lost an appendage? anything or anyone who has been in our life for a period of time and has become a PART of that life leaves an imprint. some bigger than others. and when they are no longer there, we are faced with a void, the empty space they once filled.
i imagine that since being home and doing laundry is a "normal" and safe activity, that doesn't require a lot of thought, it allowed your sadness to rise to the surface. and that is ok. feel it, own it, and then let it be.
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AnvilheadII, good advice. That's exactly what I did. I'm already feeling better The sad moments come WAY less than they used to. I know that I'm definitely better off, and I deserve so much more than what I ended up getting. I don't miss the relationship we had at the end. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything in the world. This girl is happy to be moving onward and upward
The sad moments come WAY less than they used to. I know that I'm definitely better off, and I deserve so much more than what I ended up getting. I don't miss the relationship we had at the end. I wouldn't go back to those days for anything in the world. This girl is happy to be moving onward and upward Member
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Originally Posted by Gettngstronger1
Thank you, everyone. I'm not going to lie, it's been really hard. It seems like every time I find myself feeling better and not thinking about him as much, I'll have a day that sets me back when I don't expect it. I had a minor meltdown last night. Nothing precipitated it. I was home doing laundry, and next thing I knew, I was thinking about him and crying. Does that ever happen to any of you?
I really miss what we had, and the person who he was before the drugs took over. That person is gone now. Maybe that person never really existed to begin with. Sometimes I feel as though I'm grieving, like this was a death instead of a break up. I definitely have more good days than bad days though, and even when I'm sad, I always know that I did the right thing by going No Contact. Hugs and warm thoughts to you all.
I really miss what we had, and the person who he was before the drugs took over. That person is gone now. Maybe that person never really existed to begin with. Sometimes I feel as though I'm grieving, like this was a death instead of a break up. I definitely have more good days than bad days though, and even when I'm sad, I always know that I did the right thing by going No Contact. Hugs and warm thoughts to you all.
That happens to me.
And I strongly relate to everything you said here.
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