Ap052183

I will admit I don't have much of a relationship with my younger brother. He's 23 and he's been an addict for four or five years. My dad is an addict too but in a recovery program. He's hugely codependent with my brother. I really just stay out of it at this point. I can't deal with the enabling. My brother never finished high school and has no job. He helps my parents around the house. He gives my dad a new drug to obsess about.
So today I was talking to my dad again begging him to force my brother to find a life for myself and goes off on a tangent that my brother needs me. He misses having a bond with his sister. He needs my support. How can I support him? He's a mess. I love him but what can I do outside of casual conversation? I get so sick of feeling like I'm uncaring and unloving because I can't handle their situation? I feel like such a terrible person all the time for not being able to love and support. I go to therapy. I go to alanon. Am I supposed to just get over their lifestyles? I get almost depressed because I feel I'm bullied for being this cold callous person yet how else does one act when they've experienced nothing but chaos their entire life? It's maddening to me.

INgal

Ap, I am the mom of a 25 y.o. AS and his 21 y.o. sister. I want you to know that YOU need to do what is best for YOU. Do not let anyone guilt you into doing anything for your brother that you don't want to. My daughter has learned this lesson. She loves her brother but has been burned by his problems for too long. As her parents, we want her to have a long, happy productive life and if that means less contact with her brother, that is fine with us. I do not want her to become his caretaker. She is very good at detaching and he probably has more respect (and a little jealousy) for her because of that than he does for us.

You are not cold or callous. You have become resilient because of the chaos and hopefully you will never need substances because of it. Make sure you choose a partner who has no addictions as well. I can't stress that enough. In a perfect world I hope that my daughter will serve as a role model for my son and that he stays clean and sober. In fact, she attends family meeting with us and is very open and direct about her brother's problems. I'm quite proud of her.

Be all you aspire to, sweetie, and don't let anyone bring you down!

Ap052183

Thank you ingal. Unfortunately it was too late and I just left a relationship with a guy with an alcohol problem. I left early though so I should give myself credit. I've been working on recovering from years of issues so this situation might have been a blessing in disguise.
I need to remember I come first.