What was the last straw for you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
What was the last straw for you?
I love him, and my toddler loves her daddy. I know he loves us, but he's an opiate addict.. 'nuff said.
Separation or divorce will be rough emotionally and financially (duh), and I will can't cut contact completely because we have a child. How do you heal when the wounds are ripped back open every time the baby asks "Where's Da-da?"
I keep putting up with his lies and drug use (smoking heroin and meth) because he's always just about to turn things around! He holds down a job and stays the hell out of my bedroom, what more could a girl ask for, am I right ladies?!
I know I "should" be outraged enough to end it, but I guess I'm just not..? What was your last straw? Or if you haven't ended it, what would cause you to cut things off with your addict?
Separation or divorce will be rough emotionally and financially (duh), and I will can't cut contact completely because we have a child. How do you heal when the wounds are ripped back open every time the baby asks "Where's Da-da?"
I keep putting up with his lies and drug use (smoking heroin and meth) because he's always just about to turn things around! He holds down a job and stays the hell out of my bedroom, what more could a girl ask for, am I right ladies?!
I know I "should" be outraged enough to end it, but I guess I'm just not..? What was your last straw? Or if you haven't ended it, what would cause you to cut things off with your addict?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Ok, so check this out:
exAH comes to "visit" after the latest stint of my kicking him out of the house. Thursday, he was great-watched the baby while I ran errands & did things that needed done, made dinner, etc.
Friday morning, I always have to get up an hour earlier because I take the baby to his aunt's to be babysat (she lives a fair bit outside town). exAH is asleep while I get up with said baby. Baby had his booster shots Thursday afternoon, so wakes up in a horrid mood, in pain & with a fever. Meanwhile, the dog needs desperately to go outside & go potty & I HAVE to start getting dressed, etc, or I'll be late for work.
So, does exAH help out? Get out of bed? Even so much as yell from the bedroom to ask if I NEED help?
Hell, no.
I am running around like a chicken with St. Vitus Dance, with a crying, sick baby in my arms, following the squat-waddling effing dog around the apartment with a roll of paper towels hollering, "NOOOO! DO. NOT. POOP. INTHEHOUSE." at the top of my godforsaken lungs.
And the entire time exAH is laying in bed pretending to be asleep just so he doesn't have to get up, put on some pants...hell, put on a bathrobe, no one required pants, & even so much as attempt to help out.
This all sounds hilarious.
It is not. (Why are you laughing??!)
exAH comes to "visit" after the latest stint of my kicking him out of the house. Thursday, he was great-watched the baby while I ran errands & did things that needed done, made dinner, etc.
Friday morning, I always have to get up an hour earlier because I take the baby to his aunt's to be babysat (she lives a fair bit outside town). exAH is asleep while I get up with said baby. Baby had his booster shots Thursday afternoon, so wakes up in a horrid mood, in pain & with a fever. Meanwhile, the dog needs desperately to go outside & go potty & I HAVE to start getting dressed, etc, or I'll be late for work.
So, does exAH help out? Get out of bed? Even so much as yell from the bedroom to ask if I NEED help?
Hell, no.
I am running around like a chicken with St. Vitus Dance, with a crying, sick baby in my arms, following the squat-waddling effing dog around the apartment with a roll of paper towels hollering, "NOOOO! DO. NOT. POOP. INTHEHOUSE." at the top of my godforsaken lungs.
And the entire time exAH is laying in bed pretending to be asleep just so he doesn't have to get up, put on some pants...hell, put on a bathrobe, no one required pants, & even so much as attempt to help out.
This all sounds hilarious.
It is not. (Why are you laughing??!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
"Animals are crapping in our houses and we're cleaning it up?! Did we lose a war??" ~Homer Simpson
A few weeks ago I'm in the backyard at 10:30pm working in the dark to get the yard ready because the sod guy is coming in the morning. AH would love to help, but he's passed out on the couch after a grueling evening of watching women's soccer and knocking back 2 bottles of wine.
I'm listening to an encouraging sermon on my iPhone and raking dirt when I notice a stream of urine soaking my gardening tools on the patio. AH is so drunk he's peeing out the back door, all over my stuff.
Me: "What are you doing??"
Him: "I'm peeing."
Filed under "almost-last straws".
A few weeks ago I'm in the backyard at 10:30pm working in the dark to get the yard ready because the sod guy is coming in the morning. AH would love to help, but he's passed out on the couch after a grueling evening of watching women's soccer and knocking back 2 bottles of wine.
I'm listening to an encouraging sermon on my iPhone and raking dirt when I notice a stream of urine soaking my gardening tools on the patio. AH is so drunk he's peeing out the back door, all over my stuff.
Me: "What are you doing??"
Him: "I'm peeing."
Filed under "almost-last straws".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
When he fired a gun into the ceiling so we would think he'd killed himself. It's been a year. My daughter is still going to counseling to deal with that event and the past 5 years. I should have left 5 years ago. Your child deserves more than my child got from me. Don't make my mistakes. The fact that you're asking tells me you're already there.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
My last straw had nothing to do with the addicts actions but everything to do with my own reactions.
I realized I was compromising myself and everything I morally, ethically, and spiritually believed in by allowing myself to remain in an unacceptable situation.
I realized I was compromising myself and everything I morally, ethically, and spiritually believed in by allowing myself to remain in an unacceptable situation.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 54
i confront my then husband about his whereabouts & a whole bunch of other little things that were starting to unravel, and in a heroin-induced rage (so he says) he threatened to kill me, pulled my hair, pushed me around a little & grabbed my phone out of my hand & smashed it on the driveway so i couldnt call for help.
while my 3 year old looked on and begged for him to stop "being mean to mommy."
it was the first and last altercation she ever witnessed. to this day, that memory still hurts a little to touch.
don't let it come to that. addiction is progressive (which i was often told but ignored until i just couldn't anymore due to nights like the one i just told you about.) I realized that person that i met, married & had a baby with wasn't the one standing in front of me and i wanted so much better. it SUCKED. but approximately a year later, i am healthy - my daughter's healthy (emotionally and physically too) andmy exhusband is living out his nightmare somewhere far away from us, which is all i want.
hugs to you...
while my 3 year old looked on and begged for him to stop "being mean to mommy."
it was the first and last altercation she ever witnessed. to this day, that memory still hurts a little to touch.
don't let it come to that. addiction is progressive (which i was often told but ignored until i just couldn't anymore due to nights like the one i just told you about.) I realized that person that i met, married & had a baby with wasn't the one standing in front of me and i wanted so much better. it SUCKED. but approximately a year later, i am healthy - my daughter's healthy (emotionally and physically too) andmy exhusband is living out his nightmare somewhere far away from us, which is all i want.
hugs to you...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 71
Last straw-when now ex AH had a affair with his NA sponsee. She was a winner. 4 kids and didn't have custody of any and one was in foster care. She was more important than his wife and kids. Now he is with another woman still using (DOC-heroin/opiates).
Stay strong. Praying for you. I've been there and I know how bad it hurts but you and your family deserve better.
Stay strong. Praying for you. I've been there and I know how bad it hurts but you and your family deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
What held me back was a crippling fear of raising my son alone, I didn't think I could do it and my addict partner was so great with our baby. I'm ashamed to admit it because other moms seem to cope just naturally and easily.
Eventually I realised that taking care of my son alone was so much easier than living with an addict. The next time he relapsed he was out. I'm heartbroken for my son who is only 16 months but I am doing so much better.
I also realised something very important, that I needed help with how to be a single mom far more than how to deal with an addicted partner. There's nothing more I can do for him I've tried everything and was completely depleted. Which is unacceptable when you have a child to care for. So started doing lots of reading about single mom-hood and how to cope emotionally, financially and build a support network and it really is working.
I feel good about our future again and life is so much sweeter and more peaceful.
Eventually I realised that taking care of my son alone was so much easier than living with an addict. The next time he relapsed he was out. I'm heartbroken for my son who is only 16 months but I am doing so much better.
I also realised something very important, that I needed help with how to be a single mom far more than how to deal with an addicted partner. There's nothing more I can do for him I've tried everything and was completely depleted. Which is unacceptable when you have a child to care for. So started doing lots of reading about single mom-hood and how to cope emotionally, financially and build a support network and it really is working.
I feel good about our future again and life is so much sweeter and more peaceful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Hope14, same here. I can't count the number of times I've told exAH that it is easier for me to handle raising my son alone than it is to have him in the house.
You cannot raise a child WITH a child...I always say.
You cannot raise a child WITH a child...I always say.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Probably finding SR. The "hero" payoff suddenly morphed into
"this cratering mess is playing me for a chump".
Painful. But probably necessary. In retrospect probably a bit abrupt.
No words of explanation, no goodbye------just changed my number.
Kind of a sharp transition from the nice guy who would materialize
on command with benjamins at receiver specified places and times.
Life has never taught me that slowly executed or half-executed
decisions have anything in common with a successful life.
"this cratering mess is playing me for a chump".
Painful. But probably necessary. In retrospect probably a bit abrupt.
No words of explanation, no goodbye------just changed my number.
Kind of a sharp transition from the nice guy who would materialize
on command with benjamins at receiver specified places and times.
Life has never taught me that slowly executed or half-executed
decisions have anything in common with a successful life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
In my marriage: when he forced me to clean out our old apartment; I was 6 month pregnant with our son and suffering from anemia. He yelled at me for not doing it sooner all the way to the apartment and had me carrying heavy boxes up and down a flight of stairs and loading them into the back of a moving van. His brother was there and said nothing (so obviously, a$$hole runs in the family). When they left to drop off some boxes (taking the only cell phone) the stress caused an episode of premature labor that landed me in the emergency room.
In our post marriage relationship: When he tells me all about his new GF and how I should meet her one week, and then asked me for oral sex the next week.
Happy to be done.done.done with this dip$hit.
In our post marriage relationship: When he tells me all about his new GF and how I should meet her one week, and then asked me for oral sex the next week.
Happy to be done.done.done with this dip$hit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sunny So Ca beach with a breeze
Posts: 75
just remember if they are using it usually gets worse before better...... that being said my last straw was my daughter was about 18 mths old. She and I were sitting on the couch and my AXH in the recliner. He was yelling at me about something that had nothing to do with anything im sure.....and all of a sudden my daughter looks at him and says "daddy, mommy's sorry". I wanted to cry and scream. I knew at that moment I had to make a change. This is not what I want her to learn or think is ok or a healthy situation.
That was about 9 years ago and life is better but I still deal with his struggles when he relapses. Which sadly I believe ia coming again after 3 years clean again.
When it is time and right you will know. Please just be aware and safe.
That was about 9 years ago and life is better but I still deal with his struggles when he relapses. Which sadly I believe ia coming again after 3 years clean again.
When it is time and right you will know. Please just be aware and safe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
Thank you all for your replies and encouragement.
I find myself wishing he'd do something huge, like hit me, or have an affair, instead of death by a thousand cuts. I know that's sick... and clearly I've moved the goalposts of "acceptable" over and over again to get to this point.
I find myself wishing he'd do something huge, like hit me, or have an affair, instead of death by a thousand cuts. I know that's sick... and clearly I've moved the goalposts of "acceptable" over and over again to get to this point.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 8
Mine left to go to rehab for 6 months when our baby was 5 months old. It was terrible, I missed him and counted the days till he would be home. I struggled to cope and lived in constant anxiety. When he finally came home I realised this was even worse. Constantly worrying and wondering when he would relapse. When he did - after 3 months - part of me was actually relieved. So now he's back at rehab. Only NOW can I see that being alone is better.
You can't force it, like everyone told me you will know when you've had enough. Something inside me has changed and I feel strong now. Probably because I know he's safe where he is.
Maybe you and your child need a break away from him?
You can't force it, like everyone told me you will know when you've had enough. Something inside me has changed and I feel strong now. Probably because I know he's safe where he is.
Maybe you and your child need a break away from him?
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