He went to detox
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Melissa,
you are 'repeating' the same relationship over and over - when you begin to be free of each - you reel yourself back in. It will never work. Take care of yourself and let them take care of their own choices.
Best to you,
Joie
you are 'repeating' the same relationship over and over - when you begin to be free of each - you reel yourself back in. It will never work. Take care of yourself and let them take care of their own choices.
Best to you,
Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by JOIE12 
Melissa,
you are 'repeating' the same relationship over and over - when you begin to be free of each - you reel yourself back in. It will never work. Take care of yourself and let them take care of their own choices.
Best to you,
Joie
you are 'repeating' the same relationship over and over - when you begin to be free of each - you reel yourself back in. It will never work. Take care of yourself and let them take care of their own choices.
Best to you,
Joie
How am I repeating the same relationship over and over? Because of this one guy or because I happen to have met two guys with some similarities? Not one right after the other, but still. I begin to be free and reel myself back in?
I'm not trying to be smart. I honestly do not understand these two statements.
Thanks
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Relationship or Resource
[QUOTE= [B] Turned out he was talking to another woman Sat night who he told me he had stopped talking to months ago. When I stopped by there he was on the phone with her making plans for her to come pick him up[/B]. QUOTE]
Hi Melissa,
From my experience this is a very crucial red flag right here.
Are you prepared to be the OW and know that there are two women helping him, doing things for him and he is lying about all of it.
There is nothing worse than standing by your guy through all of their disease only to find out they were running game with others to do the same thing. In my situation the minute I wouldn't enable him, he went scrambling to find someone else that might. It was devastating.
A dear friend of mine said the minute they relapse what was a relationship turns into a resource. Don't let that happen to you.
Blessings,
Kaylee
Hi Melissa,
From my experience this is a very crucial red flag right here.
Are you prepared to be the OW and know that there are two women helping him, doing things for him and he is lying about all of it.
There is nothing worse than standing by your guy through all of their disease only to find out they were running game with others to do the same thing. In my situation the minute I wouldn't enable him, he went scrambling to find someone else that might. It was devastating.
A dear friend of mine said the minute they relapse what was a relationship turns into a resource. Don't let that happen to you.
Blessings,
Kaylee
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
My XA used to go to detox while saying all the right things when things got desperate (homeless usually) so he could weasel his way back into my life.
Having lived 4 years of chronic relapsing with me and the benefit of seeing the last 4 years of his life from a far distance (2000 miles) it is clear that he never really broke up with alcohol.
That truly is the key... they have to want recovery more than their next breath.
Detox and rehabs... they are just geography if the A is not completely committed heart and soul to authentic recovery. If they want it enough homelessness, poverty, hunger, sickness or any other obstacle will not impede true recovery.
I wish I had not controlled, interfered and forced recovery for my XA as I hurt more than helped him in hindsight.
Having lived 4 years of chronic relapsing with me and the benefit of seeing the last 4 years of his life from a far distance (2000 miles) it is clear that he never really broke up with alcohol.
That truly is the key... they have to want recovery more than their next breath.
Detox and rehabs... they are just geography if the A is not completely committed heart and soul to authentic recovery. If they want it enough homelessness, poverty, hunger, sickness or any other obstacle will not impede true recovery.
I wish I had not controlled, interfered and forced recovery for my XA as I hurt more than helped him in hindsight.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Hopeworks
I wish I had not controlled, interfered and forced recovery for my XA as I hurt more than helped him in hindsight.
If you read this comment, please could you say more about this?
I am just curious.
What did you say or do that controlled, interfered with and forced recovery? This will help me a lot right now.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Melissa,
I was checking in because I remembered your fiance-ish (ha!) was getting out of detox today. reading comments Im confused, did you go there to pick him up, and he had called another woman friend to pick him up?
sorry, I had to ask because got confused.
I was checking in because I remembered your fiance-ish (ha!) was getting out of detox today. reading comments Im confused, did you go there to pick him up, and he had called another woman friend to pick him up?
sorry, I had to ask because got confused.
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Melissa0067
So he called me yesterday at work, he's getting out Sunday. No mention of a family meeting. It makes me so mad that because of insurance they let them out so fast. What can really be accomplished in a couple of days? Maybe you're physically detoxed but what about mentally and all the reasons behind it? It's no wonder they end up back in detox time and time again. I hope he follows through on recovery and doesn't try to be the tough guy who can handle it on his own when he gets out.
As for me, cooking and baking is a hobby and a passion in life for me. I have been looking into classes to take, granted they are all around $75 a piece, which sucks but I need to do it. I am trying to find my joy in life. This is something that I've wanted to do for a few years so I am going to force myself to start going and doing things like this. That is part of how I will focus on myself. I have a client that's interested in going with me so that should be fun. There's a pizza class that I'd really like to take, a Chinese cooking one and I'd like to find a cake decorating one.
I have to keep. Yield from wanting to do things and fix things for him. I'm some more to take what clothes are in his truck and wash them for him so that when he gets out he will have some clean clothing to wear. I want too get his inspection sticker done because he blew it off and forgot about it when he was on the streets and it's overdue. You have to get it within 7 days of registering a car. I want to put minutes in his phone so he will have a way to communicate when he is out. I want to make a plan for him so he will not go right back to how he was living lately.
It will take all my might not to do these things. In my head I keep saying that if he has some positive things when he gets out it will help him go in the right direction, I need too stop that. I'm not sure anymore what's enabling and what's supportive. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. What would you do?
As for me, cooking and baking is a hobby and a passion in life for me. I have been looking into classes to take, granted they are all around $75 a piece, which sucks but I need to do it. I am trying to find my joy in life. This is something that I've wanted to do for a few years so I am going to force myself to start going and doing things like this. That is part of how I will focus on myself. I have a client that's interested in going with me so that should be fun. There's a pizza class that I'd really like to take, a Chinese cooking one and I'd like to find a cake decorating one.
I have to keep. Yield from wanting to do things and fix things for him. I'm some more to take what clothes are in his truck and wash them for him so that when he gets out he will have some clean clothing to wear. I want too get his inspection sticker done because he blew it off and forgot about it when he was on the streets and it's overdue. You have to get it within 7 days of registering a car. I want to put minutes in his phone so he will have a way to communicate when he is out. I want to make a plan for him so he will not go right back to how he was living lately.
It will take all my might not to do these things. In my head I keep saying that if he has some positive things when he gets out it will help him go in the right direction, I need too stop that. I'm not sure anymore what's enabling and what's supportive. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. What would you do?
I'm sorry to put this out there but it is likely he left detox on his own account and blamed it on insurance. It is also likely that other girl is in the picture, so my suggestion is to take care of yourself and build up all your emotional strength.
I know it's not easy, when my exab went to the hospital everyone told me to stay out of it and focus on me, I listened but it was extremely uncomfortable. I was tired though, do you feel a little tired? Being tired is what kept me away.
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Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
I don't have a lot of time to respond right now but I have to put this out there... What other girl??? Someone quoted a post of mine from an ex boyfriend 3.5 years ago, actually 2 people did, they were both mistaken thinking this is the same guy and you're running with it! There is no other girl.
He did not walk out. I know for a fact that insurance only keeps you 4-7 days. Unless you pay out of pocket or are uninsured, then you get up to 28. Some places or insurances only keep you for three because you are technically physically detoxed. Which is ridiculous. My brother picked him up from detox, we had a family meeting, have some counseling appointments set up and i am still working on my own stuff, as will he. He has an aftercare plan.
I know there are a lot of similarities with addicts, but they are not all one in the same. I am not a stupid woman. I have a lot to protect. I am looking for support and direction here. To not feel alone. To not feel crazy or insane.
I'll try to respond better, more, later.
He did not walk out. I know for a fact that insurance only keeps you 4-7 days. Unless you pay out of pocket or are uninsured, then you get up to 28. Some places or insurances only keep you for three because you are technically physically detoxed. Which is ridiculous. My brother picked him up from detox, we had a family meeting, have some counseling appointments set up and i am still working on my own stuff, as will he. He has an aftercare plan.
I know there are a lot of similarities with addicts, but they are not all one in the same. I am not a stupid woman. I have a lot to protect. I am looking for support and direction here. To not feel alone. To not feel crazy or insane.
I'll try to respond better, more, later.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by BlueChair
Melissa,
I was checking in because I remembered your fiance-ish (ha!) was getting out of detox today. reading comments Im confused, did you go there to pick him up, and he had called another woman friend to pick him up?
sorry, I had to ask because got confused.
I was checking in because I remembered your fiance-ish (ha!) was getting out of detox today. reading comments Im confused, did you go there to pick him up, and he had called another woman friend to pick him up?
sorry, I had to ask because got confused.
I got your message today. Didn't even know I had one. Wish I had read it last night. I plan on responding to that later tonight when I have more time. 😊
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Melissa0067
I don't have a lot of time to respond right now but I have to put this out there... What other girl??? Someone quoted a post of mine from an ex boyfriend 3.5 years ago, actually 2 people did, they were both mistaken thinking this is the same guy and you're running with it! There is no other girl.
He did not walk out. I know for a fact that insurance only keeps you 4-7 days. Unless you pay out of pocket or are uninsured, then you get up to 28. Some places or insurances only keep you for three because you are technically physically detoxed. Which is ridiculous. My brother picked him up from detox, we had a family meeting, have some counseling appointments set up and i am still working on my own stuff, as will he. He has an aftercare plan.
I know there are a lot of similarities with addicts, but they are not all one in the same. I am not a stupid woman. I have a lot to protect. I am looking for support and direction here. To not feel alone. To not feel crazy or insane.
I'll try to respond better, more, later.
He did not walk out. I know for a fact that insurance only keeps you 4-7 days. Unless you pay out of pocket or are uninsured, then you get up to 28. Some places or insurances only keep you for three because you are technically physically detoxed. Which is ridiculous. My brother picked him up from detox, we had a family meeting, have some counseling appointments set up and i am still working on my own stuff, as will he. He has an aftercare plan.
I know there are a lot of similarities with addicts, but they are not all one in the same. I am not a stupid woman. I have a lot to protect. I am looking for support and direction here. To not feel alone. To not feel crazy or insane.
I'll try to respond better, more, later.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Melissa,
Well, it sounds like there are plans for what is next, and that is a super great thing. Counseling for you both, and he having an aftercare plan are very good steps. Time will reveal more.
I realize there has been some confusion with others on your thread, I hate that b/c I want you to know, we are here to support and encourage each other. I am really glad you are going to go to counseling so you have the support you need!
Many hugs to you!
Well, it sounds like there are plans for what is next, and that is a super great thing. Counseling for you both, and he having an aftercare plan are very good steps. Time will reveal more.
I realize there has been some confusion with others on your thread, I hate that b/c I want you to know, we are here to support and encourage each other. I am really glad you are going to go to counseling so you have the support you need!
Many hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Ok so, this is where we're at; I've decided for the time being that I will help support him in his recovery, as friends. I have no interest in rebuilding this relationship right now. My attitude towards him, which I need to try keep in check, makes that clear. I don't even feel attracted to him right now, at all. He stayed in the spare room last night, went to work for a friend of his today even though he felt kind of like crap and not up to it. Have to respect that at least. He's making an effort. I still want him to look into sober houses in the area, how much they cost, if he likes any of them, etc.
I really feel for him because he literally has no family to turn to and my family is able and willing to help him. My brother is a recovering addict as well. He's been clean for years, probably at least 5 or more, I lost track. He can be a good support for him. The only 2 friend he has, one is in recovery and I velieve one is an active user, who he has mentioned he has to leave behind.
I have my own stuff to deal with. JOIE12 sent me a message with some good information that I need to think about, I need to look deep inside. I have a fur baby (cat) who just turned 18 and is sick, she gets her lungs tapped once a week and the fluid is starting to get into other parts of her body. Probably going to have to put her down in the coming month and I am devastated. She is my first pet, got her when I had my first apartment. I can't even deal with the sadness this causes me. I still want to go to therapy. I want to take those cooking classes. And I want to plan a trip to Italy for my birthday next year. With or without him. That is for me. I intend to stick to my goals even though I know I procrastinate unless I'm under pressure... Lol.
I want trying to be mean in those last posts. No need for apologies, it was an honest mix up. I was started to feel defensive and I just wanted to be sure we were talking about the right situation. If there were other women or if it was anything the last time, I would like to think I would be long gone.
I hope everyone is doing well today and thanks for taking the time to post here.
I really feel for him because he literally has no family to turn to and my family is able and willing to help him. My brother is a recovering addict as well. He's been clean for years, probably at least 5 or more, I lost track. He can be a good support for him. The only 2 friend he has, one is in recovery and I velieve one is an active user, who he has mentioned he has to leave behind.
I have my own stuff to deal with. JOIE12 sent me a message with some good information that I need to think about, I need to look deep inside. I have a fur baby (cat) who just turned 18 and is sick, she gets her lungs tapped once a week and the fluid is starting to get into other parts of her body. Probably going to have to put her down in the coming month and I am devastated. She is my first pet, got her when I had my first apartment. I can't even deal with the sadness this causes me. I still want to go to therapy. I want to take those cooking classes. And I want to plan a trip to Italy for my birthday next year. With or without him. That is for me. I intend to stick to my goals even though I know I procrastinate unless I'm under pressure... Lol.
I want trying to be mean in those last posts. No need for apologies, it was an honest mix up. I was started to feel defensive and I just wanted to be sure we were talking about the right situation. If there were other women or if it was anything the last time, I would like to think I would be long gone.
I hope everyone is doing well today and thanks for taking the time to post here.
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