MissUs2015

I set boundaries that my addict could not do meth in my home. He violated them and moved out, but we still see each other. This is what happened:

1. i had a couple who were our mutuAl friends. Over the past few months, I've over vented to them about my bf use and how it made me feel. Last week, the guy half of this couple left a broken pipe on my porch. He admitted to doing it and offering it to bf, which ia what bf says. His gf, who saw what happened, refuses to say what she saw, that it's none of their biz and that they are done with him. And me.
They were my closest real friends in my recovery. I go to meetings, but ppl make it a point not to talk with newcomers a lot after the meetings. I am at step 8 without a sponsor.


2. My bf and I went to couples counseling with an addictions therapist. I wrote out my expectations; he wanted a 1-on1. During that, she reportedly told bf that I was being unfair in not letting him have friends over. He suggested a couple who were "good" ones. No, I don't want to have non-legit job holding, interstate pot dealer over. No I don't want the attorney who looks like faces of meth over to my house or to be friends.


3. My bf has curbed his behavior around me. I'm not policing him, but have told him in writing that the next meth evidence goes to the police. He is my only local friend now that the other two have dropped us.


4. I don't know my bf is still using but I'd have to say he does partake. I want no meth in my life. However, Having no friends is a scary prospect. I have tried offering support and being open to friendship in the family rooms but it is ephemeral. I've joined gym and taken academic classes and volunteered. Same result.

Any esh welcome.

hopeful4

It's better to be alone than with an addict. If your group does not stay and talk to newcomers, I would possibly try another group. When I went to Celebrate Recovery a huge point was made to make sure the newcomers feel welcome and they normally had a group of people around them after the meetings.

Just because you attend somewhere, are you actually putting yourself out there? It's really easy to be physically present, however, to open yourself up to socialization with others is a different story. I would say to find something you like to do, and do it in on a small and regular basis.

Let me give you an example. A local pet store here has arranged a club of people who meet up on Saturday mornings and walk their dogs together. These people all like dogs, they all have that in common at least. Everyone has gotten usto each other and have become friends. It's a win win for the people and the dogs.

I think there are groups called MeetUp online where you find out what is going on locally and can meet up with those groups. I have not done so myself, but others have had success with this.

Don't let the fear of being lonely let you accept behavior or people in your life that don't meet up with your own morals.

Tight hugs to you!

Ann

I agree with what Hopeful said, there are hundreds of ways to make new friends...healthy friends who don't use any drugs at all.

The only person holding you in this toxic relationship is you. I know it's hard to break free but staying and living the life you are living is harder.

You are a strong and smart woman, let go of the drugs and drama that goes with it and move forward into a life of peace, fun, and joy that is yours to embrace. No "buts", just take a deep breath and reclaim your life.

Hugs

MissUs2015

Ive gone up to group leaders after meetings, gotten on phone list, walked up to people to thank them for their share. It's all been pleasant but people generally dont want to talk more than a couple minutes.
I've gone to 3 ff alanon groups. I did get some actual ppl who cared in one, but it was for loved ones of sex addicts due to a mis listing.

Thanks Ann for saying I'm strong and smart...but loneliness is my weakness .

Eauchiche

Hang in there, MissUS, and keep working your program.
We all have to kiss a few frogs before we find the group and friends who will support us in our recovery.

I salute you for being healthy enough to recognize that there are problems in the scenarios you described.

MissUs2015

I don't know 100 percent that bf is doing it . Not denial, just theoretically not 100.
Yeah. I do know.

hopeful4

Maybe try another group all together that is not alanon? Celebrate Recovery saved me. Tell them up front what your issues were, so they know. Some people really want close bonds, others not as much. A 12 step study really formed some very close bonds for me also.

Many hugs to you!

MissUs2015

Hey hopeful, ty for tip.
I am a Christian and would be ok with overtly expressing as part of my recovery. Doing such in alonom is discouraged, and I never did, but perhaps religion could add to the dimension I kinda need.
Again, ty

MissUs2015

my bf knocked a hole in the drywall, called me a c, said he still enjoys meth "once in a while" and cannot promise he won't ever do this in the future, but we have now.
He did, to his credit, leave a note when I came home saying that he didn't want me to be uncomfortable in my own house. I did say he could come back tonight.
Friends, I know this can't continue. I feel i need friends besides him. Good friends, geographically close. Then. Wouldn't feel so alone.
The friends I had during our relationship went away under the stress of how angry I was about his addiction. haven't made lasting friends in the rooms though they're friendly and polite during share.
I can readily find activity partners for this or that. But we don't become friends as in buddying around.
Any ideas on making friends...

CodeJob

Hello Miss US,

His behavior is unacceptable. You might need to extricate yourself from meth chaos to open up your life to new friends. You have made good headway with some boundaries.

ShootingStar1

my bf knocked a hole in the drywall, called me a c, said he still enjoys meth "once in a while" and cannot promise he won't ever do this in the future, but we have now.

This is abusive, and this is scary behavior. He has lost his capacity to monitor his behavior and control his anger. And he feels entitled to do this again, if he chooses.

He did, to his credit, leave a note when I came home saying that he didn't want me to be uncomfortable in my own house. I did say he could come back tonight.

I think the question here is why you would let him come back tonight?

Your answer suggests that you are still very emotionally enmeshed in your relationship with him.

I think CodeJob is spot on. Your relationship with him and with his meth is in the front of your mind, and when you are acting from that place, you are not free to move forward and create your own healthier happier life.

The question isn't just "how do I make new friends?"; it is "how do I free myself emotionally from this bad situation with a drug addict so that I can be ready for a new life and new friends?"

You might want to take a look at Melody Beattie's book CoDependence No More. It is sometimes hard, while we are in the middle of it, to see how much our mindset is stuck in our bad relationships.

For me, I had to let go of my marriage emotionally and let go of thinking that it was okay if someone treated me badly. At the time, I didn't understand that I was stuck there - - over time the unacceptable had become acceptable to me.

When I left and went no contact, and went through lots of counselling and soul searching, I gradually realized and grew beyond being in a relationship where someone treated me badly. I became friends with myself. And, more and more, life is reflecting back to me my own happiness and with that comes better friends and relationships.

I think a better, happier, fuller life is out there waiting for you. You just have to clear the emotional space to let it happen.

ShootingStar1