Nelly1

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. The first two were amazing (wonderful guy; treated me like a princess) the usual happy fairytale. Everything changed last summer when he started buying Percocet or "blues" as he calls them. He is an Iraq war vet and claimed he started buying them off the street because of his chronic knee pain. I have been through hell and back with this addiction, as has he. About six months in to his addiction he began selling them to support his habit, he thought he was god like because he felt he was untouchable and would never get caught. This is where the real irrational behavior came in to play, he became nasty and horrible to me anytime I mentioned his addiction getting out of control. At Christmas time I discovered he was smoking these pills, I found tin foil and broken pens everywhere. It was heartbreaking to watch. All the while treating me like the enemy yet at the same time begging me to stay. He began stealing from me, lying to me, and screaming at me on a daily basis. I am so numb and heartbroken I can barely comprehend what has actually happened. Once things blew up at Christmas and I informed his mother of his drug dealing and drug use he "got clean" seemed like his old self and proposed to me.... He was still using and I knew it but I said yes anyway (yes I'm that pathetic girl)! Knowing he was still struggling with addiction I struggled daily with keeping up with his lies and trying to hide it from his family members. He turned me in to a liar and just as manipulating as he was. (Even though I've never done a drug in my life) I knew if he got caught his mother would kick him out and we would have no where to go, also I didn't want to keep hurting her wih his drug use. In March things blew up again when his sister caught him selling pills to a junkie who had came to the house. We had an intervention, stole his phone and credit cards and he was sober for the last two months. Things seemed to be looking up for us!! He started his internship at a hospital and graduated school! ( we are both straight a students and value our educations) despite his addiction he always maintained good grades. We took a trip to celebrate his graduation from college and seemed so close, the day we got back he started using again. I found tin foil in his car, and slowly started noticing the changes in his behavior. . . Raspy voice, 45 minute trips to the cigarette store (that's a block away) scratch marks on his skin, moodiness, pinned eyes. He has began talking to his old junkie friends, can't account for money and I found a Baggie in the bathroom...Yet every time I bring it up he screams that I'm insane and would never go down that path again. Yesterday I told his mother and he broke up with me in a text message.... Ended his engagement in a text!!!! He told me he just isn't happy and I'll never trust him... It's like he will do anything to get rid of me!! I know he is using again and just won't admit it since we have all set such extreme boundaries if he were to use again. He has mastered lying and is making me feel like I'm insane. I know what I have to do but what am I going to tell people? My fiancé is a pill head and I left him?? Also I have found strips of paper cut in straight lines in his wallet does anyone know what this can be?? I am desperate to save his life.... Please someone help

AnvilheadII

quite the whirlwind, huh? i bet you haven't had a chance to really catch your breath yet!

since you can't smoke percocets, i'm guessing that was oxys - oxycodone. percocets have acetaminophen in them, so no go on snorting or smoking. a LOT of oxy/opiate addicts switch to heroin as time goes by.....which is what i suspect was in the baggie in the bathroom. unless he switched or added coke or meth, which causes very erratic volatile behavior.

i know you thought this was your happily ever after, but as i read your story, i don't see that much happiness. i see addiction trying to ruin two lives....his and yours. and yoru first priority has to be to save yourself.

as for what to tell people? only what you WANT to tell them. the engagement is over....that sums it up. you do not HAVE to give reasons, it's nobody's business but yours. you don't have to put up a front, or worry about disappointing people. you take care of YOU. engagements are called off all the time....and this "news" will just be a blip to the rest of the planet.

i'd caution you to keep your distance from your ex....he's pretty unstable and could easily lash out at you. assume he is crazy and act accordingly....ie STAY AWAY. there is no talking to him now, no smoothing things out. he's a long ways away from getting this turned around, sad to say. things usually get WAY worse first.

i am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. but glad you found us! here's to better days.

Nelly1

Thank you for your response, I susoect heroin as I know a few of his close friends have switched from pills to heroin.... I can't believe this is my life.

Sungrl

It's not your life. It's his. Walk away.

zoso77

Nelly...

Welcome to the Board. It sounds like you've been through your own horrific version of hell for quite some time. But by finding us and taking the time to post, you've made a very positive step towards taking your life back.

Addiction to opiates is another horrific form of hell. Once they get a hold of someone, they simply do not let go without a fight. The fact that he's an Iraq War veteran piqued my interest; is it possible that he's suffering from PTSD? If so, opiates make sure the user doesn't feel a thing. On that basis, it's possible to see the appeal of opiates...

...until they've got you in the spiral that he's currently in.

I found this charming:

These are the actions and the behaviors of someone whose moral and ethical compass has been disabled by chemical means. If that's what he wants, then simply give him his wish. And as Anvil said above me, stay the hell away from him from this point on.

Nelly, I know that this is a kick in the teeth for you. I know you're hurt, confused, angry...and I get it. I really do. But at this moment, it's important that you do what is necessary to protect yourself. There is no evidence that he wishes to embrace recovery. There is evidence, however, that he's dangerous to be around. So step away from the madness, and allow yourself the time and the space to heal. Things will get better, although I know you don't believe that at the moment.

Keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Nelly1

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I am desperate to be heard and feel less crazy... Yes he has PTSD but refuses any help, also refuses recovery and blames me for the tension between him and his mother because "as his fiancé I should be on his side" meaning.... Keeping up with his lies and letting him continue to self destruct. The worst part of this is feeling like I'm doing something wrong, he keeps lying and denying any drug use yet I can clearly see the signs! I always know when he is high, so much about him changes and the signs are undeniable. I hate being made to feel like I'm being left because im not "trusting" him.... As if he never put me through hell or was a drug addict for the past year:

zoso77

When he says you should be on his side, what he's really saying is he wants to do whatever he wants to do without being held accountable by you.

I'm sympathetic regarding his PTSD. But the only way to deal with demons is to deal with them, and not numb oneself with opiates. He's made his choices. Now you have to make your own choices. Make sure they're the right ones.

ladyscribbler

I am an Iraq war vet, as is my ex. Both of us suffer from PTSD. He self-medicates with alcohol. I chose therapy and other options- all of which are available free through the VA. They are also very proactive about treating substance abuse for those who want help. The veteran has to reach out for help, we as loved ones can't want it for them, and the VA can't force people into treatment.
Sounds like he really just wants an enabler. You should be proud that you made a healthy boundary for yourself and stuck to it. As much as this breakup hurts, it is actually a huge compliment to you. I enabled my ex for way too long, and ultimately accomplished nothing except to help his alcoholism to progress.

Nelly1

I am sorry that you are suffering as well, he turned to the VA about two months ago when he started claiming he could handle sobriety on his own and didn't need rehab... He promised to go to the va for counseling to work on his anger issues so he could treat me better and fix our relationship..... They prescribed him two very strong anti depressants... Which worried me to death. The bottom line is he is just unwilling to work on his issues. I have focused on his happiness and well being for the last three years never once taking out anger on him, I have suffered in silence while ensuring I was being the perfect support system to him.

What hurts the most is walking away after all of the energy, love, support, tears.... All of it. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel here. I'm supposed to be planning a wedding. Instead I'm left explaining to the few friends I have left (since his addiction was ever consuming of my time) why I'm living back home with my grandmother at the age of 26! Left with a zero balance in my bank account since he's taken everything from me:.. While he's sleeping comfortable acting like he's "glad to be rid of the warden"

FeelingGreat

Nelly, you have a very clear idea of what's happening. I know the emotional attachment is the hard part though. He's in heavy denial and not ready to accept that his addiction is life and death. I've been a drinker and I know I might have stopped for the sake of loved ones, but you really have to reach that level where you stop for your own sense of self-worth, which might also include how you relate to loved ones. It's like getting a picture of the person you want to be, and hating what you've become. People say it all the time, but if he doesn't stop lying to himself, he'll always return to the drugs, and resent the people who keep him away from them whether by emotional pressure or physically.
I'm sorry it's come to this, but he's not marriage material. Can you imagine having children with him?

ladyscribbler

I have focused on his happiness and well being for the last three years never once taking out anger on him, I have suffered in silence while ensuring I was being the perfect support system to him.

Have you tried Alanon or Naranon meetings? After I left my ex it was a big struggle to shift all that energy and focus I'd poured into trying to help him back into doing things for my own well being. I had a lot of anger both at him, and also at myself for tolerating so much bs for so long. Alanon meetings helped me a lot.

Instead I'm left explaining to the few friends I have left (since his addiction was ever consuming of my time) why I'm living back home with my grandmother at the age of 26! Left with a zero balance in my bank account since he's taken everything from me:.. While he's sleeping comfortable acting like he's "glad to be rid of the warden"

I had to move back in with my mom for 6 months (with 2 kids in tow) in the aftermath of my relationship. I was struggling to find a job, get the kids enrolled in school and just generally get back on my feet.
I've rebuilt my life, and it is better and more fulfilling than the one I was trying to have with him. Addiction is a black hole for love, energy, work, help, hope, support and everything that is good in life. Once I started using that energy to help myself, life got a whole lot better.

JOIE12

my ending may be different but it mimics where you are and most everyone else here who has suffered.

I knew and continued to choose to suffer. He didn't take anything i didn't give.

i lost so much too but think about where you may be in a year. It could be so much worse or it can be so much better. It's truly YOUR choice.

my ABF died when i left but he would have died if i had stayed too. It's been painful but nothing changes my past ... I can rebuild each day and be grateful that i am in one piece and will heal somehow as time passes. He is no longer in any pain.

I read something that was written by another heroin addict that he knew, just a kid ..... 'he who makes a beast of himself, escapes the pain of being a man'

Good luck to you ... you seem pretty smart and i have every ounce of faith that you will make a new road and you will be an awesome lady for the right guy. One who isn't addicted and will treat you as you deserve. Let today be your beginning

Nelly1

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. Im so sorry for your loss and for the pain you've gone through with addiction in your life. You really got to me when you quoted ". 'he who makes a beast of himself, escapes the pain of being a man'... His mother always says ... Whenever he gets close to "growing up" or doing something positive for himself; like graduating, getting married, having a grown up job.... It's like he gets scared and goes off the deep end and deeper in to addiction!
It's so hard watching someone who was once such a respected guy turn in to a person people are afraid to be around. I know I have to take care of myself and I will... I am strong and determined for peace in my life... But I can't help but worry about what will become of him, I know all of you on here can relate and love someone with addiction.... He isn't a bad guy. He was wonderful once and there are still pieces of the old wonderful guy inside of him... I am so scared something bad will happen to him
His mother just called and said he hadsnt been home all night, he struggles with depression and now that I'm gone I keep praying he would never hurt himself or take too much of the drugs and God forbid OD

Falseclaimsact

I've heard this. I can't tell if it comes from low self esteem or wanting to protect his using.... Probably both. My story is JUST like yours. I'm sorry you're going through this and it's so painful.

I heard this in my meeting tonight, and figured I'd share here, someone had said that she asks her higher power every night to give her addict son "one more morning" to make the right decision. I liked that a lot. Regarding your last post it seemed appropriate to share.....I hope you have a better day tomorrow

glitterdeva

Oh, God, what a crazy ride You don't have to tell people the reason for breakup, things like this happen. You don't have to make excuses or explain his behavior either, it's his job.

I understand your pain completely, my AH is a heroin addict. My dream would be for him to leave and not come back, get himself all fixed and sober. And not bother me and put me and my kids through hell. It doesn't look like your fiance is even admitting he has an issue, as he is making you look like the insane one. And if he is not admitting, then he is sure not going to get help for his addiction, which means his crazy behaviour is going to continue.

If I knew what I know now about addiction, I would never in a million years marry AH. Sorry, I am just being honest. I look 5 years back when we met and I try to imagine a scenario where I did not reply to his text when we first met. And just ignore it. Anyway, I am not in a positive place, but addicts without recovery never get better, just progressively worse. My AH was a huge, strong guy when we met, he worked in a health industry. He is 36 now and looks and feels so different. He is always, always sick, he looks older, got hep c at this point, sleeps alot, acts like a sick old man It's very sad to watch.

Hugs and more hugs to you, stay strong. This forum is a life saver!

ExhaustedA

Hey, my boyfriend sold then snorted his own coke. Junkies came around the house, it was creepy. My bf turned into this hollow shell of the man I once knew. He is an alcoholic too. I enabled him. I didn't understand what was going on, or how this all happened. Your "how is this my life" response to what he has done to himself and you is EXACTLY how I feel. They make you go insane because they lie so much, they make you think you're the crazy one. And like you said about how hard it is to walk away after so much time invested, the tears, the heartache, trying to save them, the promises they make and break...ugh!! I feel for you. My ex told me AFTER everything he's done, I'm his soulmate, he knows I'm the one, but he can't be with me right now become he's not a good person right now. How's that for a head spin??? I wish you strength and a clear mind, space to step away and see what a mess he is and there's nothing you can do, just pray, it's all you have.

hopeful4

Very sad, very true. You do not want to be with someone with this level of addiction. I am sorry. Tell people that things did not work out for personal reasons and move on. Hugs to you!

anxiouswife2

"I cannot believe this is my life."
Your story is very similiar to mine. except i had a baby with him, and married him too, either before the drugs came into play or way before i knew they existed.
I said that, every single day, for about 8 months after I left.
Then I stopped - because it isn't my life anymore. It feels like both yesterday and amillion years ago when I had to own the crazy because I allowed it to continue.

Until I just didn't and I walked. I had never been in a darker place - the lying, the gaslighting, the disappointment. I was terrified to feel like i had "failed" - only being married for 3 years & together for 5. I got over that very quickly when i had no choice to either save myself & my kid or brave the storm. It was a no-brainer because it got so volatile & scary. My ex was an opiate/heroin addict as well.
I'd go, before it gets uglier. I am so very sorry the plan didn't work out how you wanted. It hurts. But you will be so much better off.

Hugs!!

Ileana

Hi Nelly1- I would like to officially welcome you to the "Enablers club". As a member of this club you get the following rewards. None. As a member of this club you get the following perks. None.

You can't FIX him. Say it out loud. I can't FIX him. You can't have a relationship with this man. You can't save his life. You can't stop him. PLEASE walk away. PLEASE.

mnh1982

My AH is a "recovering", or in his brain, it seems "recovered", heroin addict.

He has done/does many of the same things, especially a refusal to continue with therapy, counseling & attending meetings.

I think that in many addicts, the ego takes over. They truly believe, even as they are using, relapsing, or behaving toward others according to their "addict brain"'s wishes, that they are in complete control. They truly believe they are "recovered".

#1: I urge you to go to counseling yourself, even if it's just a 30 min wellness check with your provider's behavioral health counselors when you go for a check-up.

#2: This is NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

#3: You cannot "save" an addict. You can't. I have tried. And the ultimate sacrifice that I made was to marry mine thinking that finally having a spouse who supported him, a family & a "normal" life would be what he needed to stay on the straight & narrow. How very, very wrong I was. We now have a son. He is 7mos old. I have to think of him first.

Like Anxious, I vacillate daily between feeling so pissed off that I am able to juggernaut through what needs to be done, and being so, so sad & confused that this is my life, that my marriage is failing, that my baby does not have a Daddy. He has a "father". Not a Daddy who is committed to him, nor to me, his mother.

You will experience these feelings on & off, over & over. But please do not let them rule what you do to ensure that this is not just a "life".

You need to continue living, & you cannot do that with your boyfriend.

Hugs, lady.