hopeful4

Alterity, you are right. He has shown on some levels he is aware. He has to come to a place that he makes the decision to take care of himself. Only he can do that. I think you have done every single thing within your power to help him, and he is lucky to have you advocating for him, even if he does not always realize that. Your caring comes through in every single post, so does the weariness that comes with it.

Hugs to you friend. Do more than think about taking care of you today. Eat right, do something kind for yourself, buy yourself your favorite treat, something that will make you feel good just because you deserve it.

alterity

After making these posts, and knowing that I need to take time for myself, I went for a little walk this morning at Robert Frost's home. It was really nice to clear my mind a little. I haven't been there before but it is just about a mile away from where I live. Lovely place. I look forward to returning.

I also got an email from brother's attorney. "You will have to decide if you want to retain me in this matter. Speak to your father."

I guess dad's retainer has run dry and he isn't going to replenish it. Brother is now on his own with legal support.

Whoa boy.

HotSauceJeff

So.... I did trying apologize in chat....

You have unilaterally handed him over to LEO without legal representative or a plan and gave them ammo to use against him?

What are you trying to accomplish? I don't mean this in an antagonistic way. Treatment is better than jail. Jail is better than death. Know you well enough that your heart is in the right place.

hopeful4

I think he did that all himself. It's a VERY complicated situation.

alterity

1) Telling law enforcement where he is and has been since the date he stopped reporting in actually helps him because they don't consider not reporting due to hospitalization a probation violation.

2) If they were considering issuing a warrant for his arrest for reasons other than the not reporting, then as hopeful says, he has done this all himself.

3) If he was to be released with them out looking to arrest him, the chances of him digging himself even deeper into a legal nightmarish hole due to being out on the streets are exponentially greater than then arresting him directly from the hospital. (I know this very well from last summer's experience that was identical to this situation.) Actually, those problems are nil if they arrest him at the hospital.

4) I have my family's blessing to do what I feel is best in these matters so "unilateralism" is not a problem. His mom thanked me today.

5) I did not give any ammo to use against him. I gave them information that substantiates the need for drug court/mental health court (which is mandated to focus on treatment and rehabilitation and he is categorized under) to determine that his status should be changed to long term, preferably indefinite, court ordered inpatient treatment.

6) Relevant to #5, the statement that I made to the PO that he is a "danger to self or others" is a claim that warrants civil commitment in the state of NJ. This is not evidence of criminal activity, so that might confuse you.

7) As I said a dozen or greater times yesterday, the intention is to get him into treatment, off the streets, and prevent him from doing something really tragic.

alterity

P.S. Apologies accepted.

alterity

I just sent a follow up email to his old and new POs:

As you can see from the documentation I emailed yesterday (I am attaching it again here), Brian's family, myself in particular, has been advocating for over a year that Brian be court mandated to long term (indefinite preferred, 1 year minimum at least) inpatient treatment. We have hit obstacles at every single turn.

When a colleague and friend of mine approached me recently about a jail/prison divergence research project she is working on for a very large national legal advocacy organization, I offered to give her my insights on how the system is working in New Jersey from my own firsthand witnessing and experience. I will be working with her in the upcoming weeks on this.

The reason I am emailing this is to open the door to dialogue about what works and doesn't work for "prisoners" such as Brian. I would be very glad to keep your identity 100% confidential. I do not reveal my sources if they wish to remain anonymous. Please call me if you have any opinions or information you think would contribute to this project that will become the basis of legislative reform.

Thank you for your time.

Best regards,

alterity

I saw my family this weekend. It was terribly stressful at first because my sister, with whom I stayed Friday night, didn't know any more than I did. That was that Dad went to visit B in the hospital and brought him his clothes. When I saw Dad yesterday, he told me that B was released from the hospital and staying in a homeless shelter that has a maximum stay time of ten days.

Dad will be going down there (where be has been since rehab is about an hour south of Dad) on Tuesday to help B get set up at a hotel that does monthly rentals at $600/month. Dad is willing to pay his first month so that B is not on the streets, but then B has to pay his own way after that. B is trying to get his job back and seems to be doing okay given the circumstances.

B denies doing drugs up and down, but it is really very very very hard to believe that he could have gotten to a state that caused so much alarm in people that an ambulance was called without there being illegal substances or analogs involved. Especially given the fact that this happened a week or so before his birthday, as doing drugs as his birthday approaches has been an annual thing.

Praying he can finally get his act together.

alterity

Oh, Dad mentioned that B's mother won't be too happy about this because she wants B to not have any financial support from Dad. I mentioned to Dad that she wants to see B face the consequences of his actions and to a large extent he is facing them now, being in a homeless shelter. I'm of mixed mind about this because, on one hand, I cannot see how he would survive on the streets and would inevitably wind up in jail but, on the other hand, so long as B has a safety net in Dad, he might not have any incentive to stay clean.

alterity

Well, that did not last long. B couldn't handle the streets (shelter closes during the day for cleaning, etc), the heat (with heat index it is over 105F and shelter has no AC), the lack of food, water, money, etc., so he got himself admitted back into the hospital from which he was released. I don't know if he was feeling like he was going to pass out from dehydration or was so depressed he was feeling suicidal. I have no idea what convinced them to re-admit him, but I am relieved that he is safe for another night or two.

I told Dad to keep me posted.

alterity

I can't believe it has only been two weeks since my last post here. I feel like I have been waiting for an update from my family for so much longer.

I heard from Dad yesterday. Apparently, the hospital got B a bed at the inpatient treatment program where he was this past winter. That sounded great as B had done really well there and I was hopeful and started to feel relief for a second until Dad continued.... Well, B LEFT the rehab saying he wanted to go back to the homeless shelter. Seriously, WTF?!?!?! I don't know what happened next but he wound up BACK in the ER for "acting erratically," but he wanted to be discharged. Instead, he was involuntarily transferred to a hospital where he is being held indefinitely.

When I get updates from Dad, it usually is disjointed, only a couple of minutes, and leaves out a ton of information. This is all I have for now, but I could get more if I call my B's mother.

I couldn't sleep last night. I could not stop worrying.

dandylion

alterity...I just want to send you some support. I think you are doing a yoman's job, and I know how draining it is.
I can see the love that his family has for him....
dandylion

alterity

I tried to call B's mom but it went right through to voicemail.

Dad had mentioned that he has a phone right there in his room (many psych wards only have one for the floor) so my assumption that B was calling his mom nonstop or was calling with an angry tone demanding that she assist with getting him out of there or something like that. I could see her turning off her phone for some peace.

mooselips

Hi Alterity,
I am a long time mom of 2 substance abusing sons. One began when he was 11, the other was 14... Doesn't matter what the drugs were, they would use anything that was handy.

Now, here I am, 29 years later...(how is that possible?)
The youngest son, after rehabbing a few times, along with jail time has found his way and is semi-sober, he is 38, and I say semi, because he drinks alcohol, but not to excess.....that I have seen.

Now onto oldest addict son. He is 43 now, and still using. Doesn't work, currently living in an attic, without any heat, stove, or washroom, AND, lucky him, he has a new GF, age 24.
He lives in Ohio.
We have had him in multiple rehabs, paid for apartments, sent money while he was in prison, you name it, we did it. No more, all done.
IMHO, sometimes they have to find they own way.
The truth is, his bottom is most likely death.

My husband and I have been married 47 years this year, some days I wonder how it lasted through all the destruction, and chaos both of our only sons put us through.
We moved to Florida 3 years ago, and left the oldest son behind, the youngest son managed to follow us shortly after we moved. Him and his GF both work, and live 15 minutes away.

I have moved on, I have let go. My husband and I chose to live a live of serenity, and peace.

We still speak with oldest son, and he does, on occasion threaten..(lol) he is going to move down here, too. Not going to happen anytime soon, he has 3 court cases he has to get through.

I see a lot of me in you.
How I was.

Hugs to you......

alterity

Got an update from Dad a couple days ago. B was released from the hospital around Friday of last week and is living at a sober house, different from the last one he was in. He shares a room with someone and it sounds like that is a new situation for him to be in. I hope he can keep it together, get along with everyone, and live by the rules.

I am swamped with work and have to focus on a huge and extremely important case, so I have no headspace to share with any family problems at the moment. Praying for success on all fronts.

Anaya

Prayers for you and your brother

alterity

He didn't last long at this new sober house. He was there about a week or so before he started acting really strangely. Laughing really loud at 3:00am, waking his roommates. Then when told to knock it off, it continued again at 4:00am. He engaged in other weird behavior and "scared" people. Before all this happened, he had posted something about doing Craze on facebook. I looked it up. It's a steroid-like supplement that has the effect of methampthetamine. So, it could very very very possibly be true that he has only been doing supplements this summer to make himself behave oddly.

I saw Dad on Saturday last weekend and he told me that he saw him in the hospital that week. Dad said to him, "You are an addict. You are taking legal things that you are addicted to and you have to figure it out."

And apparently he had a court appearance this week for a burglary charge.

My case is really starting to heat up and I have been working 18 hour days lately. My anniversary is tomorrow and I am going on vacation with my husband for a couple of days. I need so badly just to focus on my case and relax on my break, but when my mind quiets, my worries about B come to the fore. I wish that I could change that, but I can't.

Anaya

Thinking of you and hoping you will find serenity. Happy Anniversary to you and your husband.

alterity

Thank you, Anaya.

I don't know how I did it but I was able to relax for a little bit Monday and went to sleep that night without worry.

We got home yesterday and I reverted back to my worrying self. Went to sleep worried about B, but at least I feel refreshed from the weekend. Just waiting to hear the latest.....

alterity

Got an update today. B checked himself into a rehab. He freaked out when he got there, as I guess he found the other patients sketchy and scary, and left to go to a hospital. I don't know if the ER admitted him but his probation officer told him to cut it out, get back to rehab, and if he doesn't stick with the program, he is going to jail. His PO is fed up with this cycle as we all are.

The program will be 28 to 45 days and it has excellent step down services: half way house, transitional living, etc.

Praying that this will be it.