alterity

Just wrote this letter:

Dear B,

I was in an area without cell service this morning and got your voicemail. You were sounding extremely depressed and it worried me. In fact, I have been increasingly worried about you although I haven't talked to you or to anyone in the family about you in quite a while. Thing is, you are coming up upon 3 months since leaving IOP (a couple of weeks from the date I am writing this). In the past couple of years, your drug usage fits the typical profile of an addict in that 90% of them relapse within 3 months. So, when I got your call and knew the 3 month mark is approaching, I admit I assumed the worst. This kind of thinking on my part is a totally normal reaction because it prepares my mind and emotions from disaster. It's a protective way of bracing oneself instead of feeling disappointment.

Anyway, I had been thinking a lot lately about how I needed to reassert my need for boundaries in that I can not have a return to our old habit of crisis-rescue-crisis-rescue-on-and-on. Now that you have my phone number, I need to request that you use it only to keep in touch and not as a crutch or call for help. I don't have the resources to help, even if I wanted to, and that powerlessness really really hurts - more than I think you know.

alterity

I called back him yesterday. I found out that he had been court for the theft case that had apparently been postponed for a month. Our dad paid off the family friend from whom he stole the jewelry so the charges got dropped, case dismissed. Apparently, B had called me for legal advice just before the hearing because he had read something and it worried him that he could get "sent away." That was why he sounded so awful. He sounded pretty down yesterday when we spoke, but I'm pretty sure that's because of the stress of dealing with the hearing. I have no reason to believe he has relapsed, so I told him about my tentative plan to visit him on July 1st. He said that was something to look forward to and it seemed to brighten him up a bit. I had not mailed the letter. I will hang on to it for now.

I'm relieved but still not holding my breath. If he can go a year without getting into any trouble, then I think I won't always rush to the worst case scenario conclusions when things like this happen.

hopeful4

You are doing great alterity.

Hugs to you!

alterity

B posted a youtube song and new selfie on facebook a couple of days ago at 5:50 or so in the morning. Then, he deactivated his facebook account yesterday. This kind of behavior has often coincided with using drugs. I am very wary about visiting. I don't want this to be yet another time together where I spend every moment trying to figure out if he is clean/sober.

I plan on calling his Mom on Monday to see what she thinks.

Glad that I didn't make that reservation after all.

hopeful4

You have the right to give yourself space alterity.

Hugs.

alterity

You are right. I actually dealt with this much differently than I would have in the past. I would have worried about it all day long and would have lost sleep over it. Instead, I recognized what was going on for what it was, and consciously told myself to deal with it in a way that would not interfere with my health and happiness. SR is finally rubbing off on me and really sinking in!

PuzzledHeart

alterity, I've been following your story for quite some time because it resonates with me so much.

My sister changed her last name to her astrological sign on FB, and there was some curiosity to why she did so.

The explanation: she was selling the house and she didn't want people to connect her with the house sale.

I still don't get it. But I've stopped trying to make sense out of it.

^This. All the worrying in the world won't make a dent in my sister's behavior. I do struggle with anger - lots of it. But at the end of the day, I need to make a concerted decision to let go of the anger, sometimes one second at a time.

newbeginings16

As a mom of 3 young kids, thank you for all you posted and most importantly for mentioning the non stable environment for your son. After 3 yrs of abuse from my soon to be ex husband I left for good and got a court order. He was a daily coke user and when he felt like taking off he used crack. He has been like that since he was 15, lying, stealing, drugging. I met him and was pregnant early on and fell into marriage. Once married I saw all his true colors and my other 2 kids (not his) were quiet about it all but serious. I told the courts all I want is to be safe and have a stable environment for my kids as damage can be done way early on. Now my little one is just over a year and she will remember none of it as I will stay gone. I still have to keep a watchful eye as there is some limited visitation rt now and he believes in always having a woman. He was abusive with me as well as his last 2 gf. I refuse to let my daughter be a part of that so I watch from a distance. God bless you, stay strong and keep closing the phone down at 8. PTSD is very rough!

alterity

hawkeye,

You are so right about all the worrying in the world is not going to stop B from doing whatever it is that he is going to do, good or bad. This is something that I knew intellectually but my rational mind was not controlling my emotional reactions. I guess when you go through eight years of this, you can't help but finally learn some lessons!

newbeginings16,

Thanks for reminding me to keep closing the phone down at 8. I recently missed an income generating opportunity because my phone was turned off and a potential client called me at 8:45. My husband said that I should not keep the phone off like that but I did not listen to him. I'd rather miss a contract here and there than go through those 2:00 a.m. emergency phone calls ever again.

Thanks for your input!

alterity

I knew I was hearing something in his voice that wasn't right. Monday night, B was taken to the ER for acting really erractically. Apparently, he overdosed on some natural supplement or something you can buy over the counter. The sober living place kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. Well, that was until his sister (we have different mothers. His mom had two kids from a previous marriage so this is his sister and not mine) went down to pick him up and let him sleep at her place for the night. Now he is at our dad's "for the night."

I had been planning on visiting him on Friday. It would be the first time I would have seen him since last August. I had a lot of dread about it. I had a very very strong feeling that he would be deviating from his recovery around now. Like clockwork, it has been three months since he left IOP.

I am not surprised in the least. I am disappointed. I am worried about our dad rescuing him again, but if I say anything to the contrary of helping him out, the answer is, "What am I going to do? Let him live on the streets?"

I told him that I have been in "nar-anon" for six years now and there is no right or wrong answer. I mentioned the parents here who have not seen their child in 5, 10 years or whose kids have died. I mentioned that sometimes it is being homeless that is what it has taken for the addicts to turn their lives around. I said these are the difficult decisions that parents like him have to make and that I am not judging him.

Dad was hoping that I would be going down there anyway and I would help my brother out. I told him that I couldn't do it anymore, not again. I told him that I wanted to see my brother in time of recovery but I did not want to spend this time together with me rescuing him and "helping" him out again.

It was really hard for me to do. Really really hard.

hopeful4

You did the right thing alterity. Your dad is codependent. Going in yourself would be codependent as well, and no good can come of that. I applaud you for being strong, while still caring so much.

Many hugs. I know this is such a hard cycle. Please don't question yourself, we are behind you 100%

alterity

Have I written yet that I have had a terrible feeling for the past couple of months that my B will wind up dead or in prison by the end of this summer?

He has been kicked out of his sober house. He wound up back in the hospital. The psychiatrists do not want him to leave. I don't have a good picture of the details because our dad doesn't really talk much. I don't want to go through a repeat of last summer. I am leaning towards staying as uninvolved as possible this time.

This summer will be worse than last. I have never been more certain of anything in my life.

hopeful4

Keep remaining uninvolved b/c you cannot change it friend. God knows you have tried.

I know that sick feeling of anxiety. Be nice to you.

Hugs.

alterity

Last night, while trying to sleep, I debated whether to be involved at all and, if so, to what degree. The most important important question I asked was what, if anything, I could do that would help. Not enable, but help.

Last summer, there was no question that anyone able to intervene had a moral duty to do so, given the dangerous circumstances. My involvement down there saved lives. Then, in the fall, the letter writing to his insurance company served a similar purpose, as he was suicidal and on the verge of being homeless.

The insurance company already has the critical history and his probation officer has a comprehensive history as does the judge in the county where he is a "prisoner" (although now he is located in another county, so things could get dicey if he has law enforcement involvement). I *could* find out what hospital he is in and send them the comprehensive history, but the situation feels so bleak that I feel my efforts would be futile.

After thinking very long and hard, I decided that I will only "receive" information from my family and won't do any more than just be there for them, especially Dad. I had told him that he should hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I am taking my own advice. I'm also trying my hardest to focus on myself. I have an important case that I am working on so that is my top priority. Still, I can't stop worrying and B is on my mind constantly. It's really hard to stop.

alterity

The last two weeks have felt like two months.

The sober living facility director told Dad that B’s behavior was consistent with k2/spice use so Dad finally told B that he could no longer keep supporting him if this is how he is going to behave.

B remained hospitalized for approximately one week. During this time, B “lost” his backpack which contained his wallet and passport, his only form of identification.

Upon release, B had no housing (was homeless) and went to a shelter and stayed one night. The next afternoon, he had another psychotic episode, presumably stress induced as he has no money to purchase drugs, no job, and nothing but unstructured time in a dangerous neighborhood, and was again admitted to the ER. He's been in an inpatient psych unit for the last week.

I got this update from B's mother this morning. She called me again just now as I was writing this. She had a chance to speak with him this afternoon. She says that he sounds absolutely awful, nasty, angry, and demanding that she call Dad right now to have him bring him some clothes. He is upset that he doesn't have any clothes and the scrubs they provide him aren't changed daily. His mom didn't do as he demanded because she doesn't think that he should be allowed to talk this way and get his way.

It's going to be a long summer again.

hopeful4

I am sorry friend. I know this breaks your heart.

I do think his mom may be correct at this point. Whatever illnesses he has, he has to come to a point where he can function in society, and speaking to anyone like that won't get him anywhere, inside or outside a hospital.

Tight hugs friend.

alterity

I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to go drive down there (~4 hrs) to visit him in the hospital just to let him know that I care. I thought about it, planning on leaving tomorrow and coming home Friday, but I reminded myself of how he spoke to his mother. I didn't want to go down there to bear the brunt of his anger and craziness. I certainly would not have even considered visiting him if it wasn't in a controlled environment, i.e. if he wasn't in the hospital.

Since yesterday, I have been trying to get contact information (fax or email) to get his psychosocial history to the hospital but to no avail. So, this morning, I decided to reach out to his probation officer with the records which I had previously sent but I think he missed my email (this was back in the fall). The P.O. and I spoke and he completely agrees that B needs long term inpatient treatment but he can't do anything about it because he is no longer his P.O. He has a new P.O. now because he is in a different county. His old P.O. forwarded my email and the documentation to his new P.O. who called me.

Apparently, the police have been looking for B since July 11 when he stopped reporting in. That was when he was hospitalized. The P.O. implied that they were looking for him for an additional reason but gave no further information. He asked where he is and I told him. I made sure to let him know that he's been in the hospital since July 11, with just the one night in the homeless shelter in the middle there. They are going to "conference again" now that they have this information before deciding to issue a warrant for his arrest for violating probation.

No idea where this is going to go. I also managed to send the records to the hospital but I am not 100% they were received. I figure it was better for his current "team" to have all the information to make informed treatment plans.

alterity

P.S. They were already considering issuing an arrest warrant when I jumped into the mix. Just wanted to make that clear.

Bekindalways

Hey Alterity, this all sounds beyond difficult.

I so hope you are taking care of yourself: exercise, eat well, stay hydrated .

Let us know how you are doing

alterity

Thank you, Hopeful4 and Bekindalways.

I had to keep reminding myself to take care of myself yesterday. I didn't do a great job but at least I was thinking about it.

This would not be so hard if I knew for sure whether he was doing illegal drugs. If his system is so dependent and dopamine sensitive from all the past chronic and OD level abuse, it is very possible that excessive caffeine and other legal stimulants can trigger these psychotic breaks. Then again, he knows, or least should know, that overdoing the legal stimulants will lead him into insanity, so it is hard to believe that his behavior is not intentional. On some level, he is aware.

That was my inner dialogue yesterday when wrestling with the rescuing impulses.