Today was terrible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: chicago
Posts: 6
Today was terrible.
Today I found out that my boyfriend who is now in rehab cheated on me 3 days before he went to rehab with his ex. Yesterday he had the opportunity to be honest and tell me if he physically cheated on me but said he didn't. Then tonight I get proof of some pretty explicit texts that him and his ex were exchanging throughout our whole relationship. I confronted him about it because my heart can't take this anymore. He told me he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and he knew it would ruin me. He said that he is in rehab for "both" of us and when I threatened to not want to be involved anymore he threatened to check himself out. He says that he chose to go to rehab to work on himself and his relationship with me.. Which scares me because himself should be his main focus. I found out that may 13th when he was already 1 week into rehab he texted his ex and told her when visiting days were. He insists now that he deleted her number and if she keeps bothering me hell even put a restraining order on her. I just have no trust at this point what so ever. He insists that this is the new him and he wants to move on from the past and start over. But I'm so hurt and disappointed I feel like I'm never good enough for him.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Rehab isn't going to fix him. The cheating is a separate issue from the drugs. You are wise not to trust him. He does not sound trustworthy at all. His line about starting over is about avoiding responsibility for his actions. He's been cheating on you throughout almost your entire relationship.
He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. And get tested for STDs.
You deserve better, but only you can make the decision about whether you will continue to accept this kind of treatment.
He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. And get tested for STDs.
You deserve better, but only you can make the decision about whether you will continue to accept this kind of treatment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: chicago
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Rehab isn't going to fix him. The cheating is a separate issue from the drugs. You are wise not to trust him. He does not sound trustworthy at all. His line about starting over is about avoiding responsibility for his actions. He's been cheating on you throughout almost your entire relationship.
He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. And get tested for STDs.
You deserve better, but only you can make the decision about whether you will continue to accept this kind of treatment.
He has shown you who he is. Please believe him. And get tested for STDs.
You deserve better, but only you can make the decision about whether you will continue to accept this kind of treatment.
You help me out on a lot of my posts and I appreciate your honesty and input
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
I agree with ladyscribbler--his cheating is not going to "fix itself" even if he gets clean.
It seems that his threat to check himself out is a manipulation to keep you on the hook even though you have clearly caught him in multiples lies and in unfaithfulness, up to and in the treatment facility.
Seems to me you should take care of yourself here--if he checks himself out that would be his (and his ex's) problem and not yours.
This cheating thing hurts so bad, especially when we love and support people in trouble and then find out they are taking advantage and lying all along. Sending you hugs.
It seems that his threat to check himself out is a manipulation to keep you on the hook even though you have clearly caught him in multiples lies and in unfaithfulness, up to and in the treatment facility.
Seems to me you should take care of yourself here--if he checks himself out that would be his (and his ex's) problem and not yours.
This cheating thing hurts so bad, especially when we love and support people in trouble and then find out they are taking advantage and lying all along. Sending you hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree – RUN and block him from being able to contact you and confuse you further.
I’m sorry your heart is hurting but please stick to the FACTS that you already know and not WISHFUL thinking of him changing while in rehab.
He cheated during your entire relationship – FACT.
He didn’t tell you about the cheating – Because then he would have had to stop doing it and that’s not what he chose and telling you he didn’t’ want to hurt you is - MANIPULTION
He is in rehab for “the both of you” – MANIPULATION
He’s threatening to check out of rehab if you leave him – He’s making you his HOSTAGE – MANIPULATION
He’s texting his ex while in rehab – FACT
He insists NOW that he deleted her # and if she bothers YOU he will take out a restraining order – HE CANT DO THAT, no one can take out a restraining order for someone else, you would have to take one out and that is only if she threatens your life or to do physical harm to you.
If your heart is hurting now believe me holding onto this guy will make it hurt alot more.
I’m sorry your heart is hurting but please stick to the FACTS that you already know and not WISHFUL thinking of him changing while in rehab.
He cheated during your entire relationship – FACT.
He didn’t tell you about the cheating – Because then he would have had to stop doing it and that’s not what he chose and telling you he didn’t’ want to hurt you is - MANIPULTION
He is in rehab for “the both of you” – MANIPULATION
He’s threatening to check out of rehab if you leave him – He’s making you his HOSTAGE – MANIPULATION
He’s texting his ex while in rehab – FACT
He insists NOW that he deleted her # and if she bothers YOU he will take out a restraining order – HE CANT DO THAT, no one can take out a restraining order for someone else, you would have to take one out and that is only if she threatens your life or to do physical harm to you.
If your heart is hurting now believe me holding onto this guy will make it hurt alot more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: chicago
Posts: 6
Continued.
So today I told him that I'm too hurt to move on from this and it hurts because he wasn't honest. He said that he wasn't honest with me because he didn't want to hurt me. He had me on the phone today with his counselor in the room. He wants us to set boundaries and expectations and only move on from this point on. I told him right now I do not want to heave sex with him and I can not say that I love him because I'm not in love with him right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>He wants us to set boundaries and expectations and
only move on from this point on.<<<<<<<
Of course he does. This point on means forgetting past behavior
( a get out of jail free card if you will). How much fun life would
be if we could just erase crap like an etch-a-sketch?
Except................DAMN!....................... ....we can't.
People don't need drugs to cheat. What the lower ones truly need is
someone willing to trade valuable consideration for the worthless
scrip they print----and want you to accept said scrip at full face value.
I was once in a sensitive spot responsible for some truly frightening
stuff that had very special protocols for allowing people to get anywhere
near it. The old man (Commanding Officer) who had final say on who
got the nod said something I'll never forget one day after someone got
canned. It went something like this:
"Gentlemen, this isn't about prurience, Victorianism, or moral
prudishness. This is about straight ass practicality. If your Lady cannot
trust you, then why the hell would I?"
Trust is the lingua franca of human relationships.
only move on from this point on.<<<<<<<
Of course he does. This point on means forgetting past behavior
( a get out of jail free card if you will). How much fun life would
be if we could just erase crap like an etch-a-sketch?
Except................DAMN!....................... ....we can't.
People don't need drugs to cheat. What the lower ones truly need is
someone willing to trade valuable consideration for the worthless
scrip they print----and want you to accept said scrip at full face value.
I was once in a sensitive spot responsible for some truly frightening
stuff that had very special protocols for allowing people to get anywhere
near it. The old man (Commanding Officer) who had final say on who
got the nod said something I'll never forget one day after someone got
canned. It went something like this:
"Gentlemen, this isn't about prurience, Victorianism, or moral
prudishness. This is about straight ass practicality. If your Lady cannot
trust you, then why the hell would I?"
Trust is the lingua franca of human relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Of course he wasn't "honest with you because he didn't want to hurt you".
Classic, classic line, designed to insert into your mind the idea that by "not wanting to hurt you" he's denoting that he actually cares about you & your feelings.
Nope, nopity, nope nope.
He also is using his counselor as a smoke screen for "making real progress". Meaning, look at me, I'm in counseling regarding what I've done, and that means I'm serious about "moving on" with our relationship.
Until the next time.
Yes, it hurts. But you need to separate the things that you should be genuinely hurt over (being cheated on, his addiction issues, the fact that he's been lying to you, etc) from the things that are largely superfluous at this point: namely, that you love him.
We all love our addicts. We may not respect, trust or be IN love with them, but we all love them. That goes without saying and is beside the point.
The point is, you can't trust him, and he is using the fact that you love him against you.
Classic, classic line, designed to insert into your mind the idea that by "not wanting to hurt you" he's denoting that he actually cares about you & your feelings.
Nope, nopity, nope nope.
He also is using his counselor as a smoke screen for "making real progress". Meaning, look at me, I'm in counseling regarding what I've done, and that means I'm serious about "moving on" with our relationship.
Until the next time.
Yes, it hurts. But you need to separate the things that you should be genuinely hurt over (being cheated on, his addiction issues, the fact that he's been lying to you, etc) from the things that are largely superfluous at this point: namely, that you love him.
We all love our addicts. We may not respect, trust or be IN love with them, but we all love them. That goes without saying and is beside the point.
The point is, you can't trust him, and he is using the fact that you love him against you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
It hurts when we invest in a relationship that didn't pay us back.
Good relationships - don't require this.
Each person values the other and gives everything to build and bond. We don't need to protect ourselves. We don't need to ever think "why doesn't he love me or care about me" - essentially, your ABF cannot.
Walk away and learn to let go ... fast. Codependence can cause you as much physical and emotional harm as the addict/liar/manipulator/cheater. Please look for positive thoughts because you ARE worth it.
Good relationships - don't require this.
Each person values the other and gives everything to build and bond. We don't need to protect ourselves. We don't need to ever think "why doesn't he love me or care about me" - essentially, your ABF cannot.
Walk away and learn to let go ... fast. Codependence can cause you as much physical and emotional harm as the addict/liar/manipulator/cheater. Please look for positive thoughts because you ARE worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
[/QUOTE walk away and learn to let go ... fast..[/QUOTE]
hk1993~ Hello girl,
I am so sorry this has happened but u are very supported.
I just went through something but he never really tried to get me back or keep me as the 2nd option or whatever your A is trying to do with you.
Mine just dumped me when he relapsed because I would not rescue him again and then all of a sudden he tells me about this girl in AA who is now going to help him.
I was immediately onto BS and did something I've never ever done in my life which is contact this girl.
She denied the romantic element of the relationship and so did her sponsor who has 20 years so i kind of believed it but honestly he was cheating and lying the minute I didn't come to the hospital. Details are what we al anon use to make rationalizations and twist facts.
This hurt me so bad I couldn't face or comprehend it for 60 days. One of the most demoralizing episodes I've ever know was when I picked him up drunk after he got kicked out of the dirty sober living the new AA girl put him in (Shocker right). I did it only looking for direct proof. I needed to know he was cheating. He wasn't even calling, saying he loved me or being with me anymore but I wasn't letting go.
Bottom line I saw the sexual text he sent to this girl. She wasn't responding that way but the point is I
still didn't completely let go until another month when I finally got a direct text from him sober, saying he was with his chick.
I made excuses, he was drunk when he sexted her, he had a brain injury, etc. That was all true but he still did what he did. I cried every day, lost tons of weight, could not eat, it was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
My question is in response to the post above is,
how in the world do you learn to let go and walk away fast?
I mean you are so close one day and attached and then bam gone. Mine didn't even really want me back and now I am thinking maybe this was a good thing.
When I broke down once and saw him after the horribly demoralizing night I dropped him at the hotel drunk, it should of been NC right there.
The day after he said, no more kissing I have moved on..this hurt me so much. I couldn't believe what was happening, it was a nightmare that wouldn't end.
I listened and didn't call again but then 4 days later he sends the TEXT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING. .there is another thread under this name with a similar story u should read.
After the text. "I'm at lunch with my chic, I will call you later," I changed my phone number and went NC....The frickin audacity. ..after everything we were to each other and all I did, this is how he tells me.
Nobody believes he's really with anyone legitimately but those thoughts put me back in hope and denial. Sorry so long but do you see what I'm getting at here?
I couldn't let go for 60 days even though he wasn't making any promises, telling me he loved me and pretty much hinting he had another and screw me. SO I can imagine how utter painful and confusing this is for you.
I want so badly to fight back, contact this girl, get more proof, confront who lied to me, but I walked away...I didn't walk away fast, it took what it took.
I'm still in it, waking up in the middle of the night like now wanting to take action but I don't. I'm listening to the women on these posts and a lot of the time it's pissing me off!!! Because I want it different, I want him to come back with amends and promises but he's only got a month sober, it won't mean a thing and he's not...
guess he's just perfectly fine with her and replaced me in a few days from a hospital bed no less. She was willing to do what I wasn't and that's all it came down to, it hurts like a knife.
Stay Safe But How You Learn to let go fast? I don't think I ever will but I did walk away. .
and through NC I met a new friend and got a job interview and little pieces of my life are coming back.
This can happen for you too, I am very stubborn, won't let go, won't surrender but I'm forcing myself.
Post to me anytime, we are all here for you.
Kzen
hk1993~ Hello girl,
I am so sorry this has happened but u are very supported.
I just went through something but he never really tried to get me back or keep me as the 2nd option or whatever your A is trying to do with you.
Mine just dumped me when he relapsed because I would not rescue him again and then all of a sudden he tells me about this girl in AA who is now going to help him.
I was immediately onto BS and did something I've never ever done in my life which is contact this girl.
She denied the romantic element of the relationship and so did her sponsor who has 20 years so i kind of believed it but honestly he was cheating and lying the minute I didn't come to the hospital. Details are what we al anon use to make rationalizations and twist facts.
This hurt me so bad I couldn't face or comprehend it for 60 days. One of the most demoralizing episodes I've ever know was when I picked him up drunk after he got kicked out of the dirty sober living the new AA girl put him in (Shocker right). I did it only looking for direct proof. I needed to know he was cheating. He wasn't even calling, saying he loved me or being with me anymore but I wasn't letting go.
Bottom line I saw the sexual text he sent to this girl. She wasn't responding that way but the point is I
still didn't completely let go until another month when I finally got a direct text from him sober, saying he was with his chick.
I made excuses, he was drunk when he sexted her, he had a brain injury, etc. That was all true but he still did what he did. I cried every day, lost tons of weight, could not eat, it was literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
My question is in response to the post above is,
how in the world do you learn to let go and walk away fast?
I mean you are so close one day and attached and then bam gone. Mine didn't even really want me back and now I am thinking maybe this was a good thing.
When I broke down once and saw him after the horribly demoralizing night I dropped him at the hotel drunk, it should of been NC right there.
The day after he said, no more kissing I have moved on..this hurt me so much. I couldn't believe what was happening, it was a nightmare that wouldn't end.
I listened and didn't call again but then 4 days later he sends the TEXT THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING. .there is another thread under this name with a similar story u should read.
After the text. "I'm at lunch with my chic, I will call you later," I changed my phone number and went NC....The frickin audacity. ..after everything we were to each other and all I did, this is how he tells me.
Nobody believes he's really with anyone legitimately but those thoughts put me back in hope and denial. Sorry so long but do you see what I'm getting at here?
I couldn't let go for 60 days even though he wasn't making any promises, telling me he loved me and pretty much hinting he had another and screw me. SO I can imagine how utter painful and confusing this is for you.
I want so badly to fight back, contact this girl, get more proof, confront who lied to me, but I walked away...I didn't walk away fast, it took what it took.
I'm still in it, waking up in the middle of the night like now wanting to take action but I don't. I'm listening to the women on these posts and a lot of the time it's pissing me off!!! Because I want it different, I want him to come back with amends and promises but he's only got a month sober, it won't mean a thing and he's not...
guess he's just perfectly fine with her and replaced me in a few days from a hospital bed no less. She was willing to do what I wasn't and that's all it came down to, it hurts like a knife.
Stay Safe But How You Learn to let go fast? I don't think I ever will but I did walk away. .
and through NC I met a new friend and got a job interview and little pieces of my life are coming back.
This can happen for you too, I am very stubborn, won't let go, won't surrender but I'm forcing myself.
Post to me anytime, we are all here for you.
Kzen
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by hk1993
He said that he is in rehab for "both" of us and when I threatened to not want to be involved anymore he threatened to check himself out. He says that he chose to go to rehab to work on himself and his relationship with me..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
You wrote that you're hurt and disappointed that you're never good enough for him. That's so wrong because he's not good enough for you. He's cheating and lying to you about it.
He's apparently cheating on and lying to his ex too, for that matter, if he's involved with you. I can't add more than what has already said. He's a no good for you jerk who's manipulating you. Block him and try to mourn a little and then take care of you.
He's apparently cheating on and lying to his ex too, for that matter, if he's involved with you. I can't add more than what has already said. He's a no good for you jerk who's manipulating you. Block him and try to mourn a little and then take care of you.
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