In a relationship with a Marijuana addict.

Old 05-25-2015, 06:45 PM
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In a relationship with a Marijuana addict.

Hello I'm 21 years old and I've been in a relationship with a marijuana addict for about 7 months now. Through out our relationship he did everything and anything he could to get free weed such as cheat on me with girls who would smoke him out, manipulate me for money, and take my car without asking to go pick weed up. He's in rehab now for the 3rd time and he says that he is sorry for everything he has done and all the cheating and him fighting with me was over drugs. When i first met him he was sober. We had so much fun and we were always going out and I instantly fell in love with him. After he got a good job and started making his own money he would blow it all on pot which eventually led to him getting fired and then after not having a job and being depressed for 4 months. All he would do is smoke weed, go on Plenty of Fish to find girls to smoke him out, and then call me to hang out with him after and take him to get food and have me listen to his problems and try to help him with his life. We always ended up fighting over him being high or talking to other girls to get high and at some points it got pretty bad. But we would always make up and try to move on but it was just a vicious cycle.My parents absolutely hate him. I've actually been threatened to be disowned by my family because of him because of how hes treated me. When he wasn't smoking or was trying to get pot he would get so mean and treat me like complete sh*t because he said he needed to smoke and i wouldn't help him out to get weed. I've helped him a lot though (jobs, places to live, getting sober) and I've seen his potential and I know deep down he does love me and he's just had a really bad family life ( abusive addict of a father who he now has no relationship with) . The thing is , is I don't know how much more I can take and I don't know how much I can believe anymore that he's actually going to change this time. He's going into sober living in a couple of weeks and he wants me to go to a counseling session with him at his rehab which im also not sure if i want to do. He calls me everyday and apologizes tremendously everytime but I need actions. Theres so many trust issues and with my family hating him I don't know how much more of me I can give to him even though he's all I think about all the time. I just want the best for him and I don't know if that means letting him go. But if I let him go he seriously has no one to help him through the next part of his sobriety. I myself do not drink or do drugs and I have a good job and a loving heart. I feel like I deserve much better but at the same time I feel like the boyfriend I had for the past 5/6 months of our 7 month relationship was not the boyfriend I had in the beginning that i deeply fell in love with, and it was all due to drugs. I just would like to know if there is anyone else out there going through the same thing such as you're family not accepting the one that you love because of their addiction problems and having terrible trust issues of being in a relationship with an addict?
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Old 05-25-2015, 07:27 PM
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I think you deserve much better. This guy showed you his true self. The man you fell in love with is a front he put up to pull you in. Someone mentioned on another thread that addicts can put up a front to reel in a new mate, then once you're hooked the facade falls away.
This guy is a user and a manipulator. He is not going to magically change into a good person because he spent a few weeks in rehab. You have the power to break this cycle and make room in your life for a healthy, loving relationship. Watch and wait. Give this more time. Real fundamental change takes time. If he is still this sober, kind and loving person a year from now, then maybe consider meeting him for coffee.
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Old 05-25-2015, 10:21 PM
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I went through a similar experience with my ex alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, verbally abusive fiancé. She was a great person when sober, and we were genuinely happy for about 1.5 years while she was on her good behavior. After we got engaged, she stopped white-knuckling, and in the last 6 months she cheated on me while drunk, quit her job, started smoking weed full time, stopped paying her bills, put me in a financial pit, and she put my life in danger while drunk.

The one thing I got out of that relationship is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he loves you enough, he will get into a recovery program to kick the habit for good. Most of the time, though, the addict chooses the addiction over their partner because the addiction is their first love. I think it may be a good idea to sit and wait, but be prepared that he will relapse again without any recovery. You may want to consider an ultimatum, but be prepared to stick to your guns if he chooses the addiction. If he does that then letting go may be your healthiest option. He will only get better when he genuinely wants to.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
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Old 05-26-2015, 03:30 AM
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First off, please know that love doesn't act like this. Even with substance problems, cheating is more about his character. Lack of respect or regard for your feelings is showing there.

Please don't accept so little from a relationship, unless you only want to give and never receive from it. Falling love instantly is a big red flag, really. Real love is based on how we feel about the real person and all their qualities.

You can be enamored with someone and addicted to the excitement, but true deep love is something else. It would be worth your while, I am betting, to find someone who can return your affections without hurting you.

don't accept so little.. life is too short.

Been there...done that...but no more. I am worth more than that. so are you.

One more thing... he does not need anyone else to help him work through this. Millions of folks do it on their own, with no support. I sometimes think that may be more of a motivation than anything , to realize that no one is going to be trying to fix you anymore.
When you are all you've got, thats when you find your inner strength.

hugs
chic
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Old 05-27-2015, 04:19 AM
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Hello, below in the link is the classic frog in the pot story. Your parents must be pretty worried about you if their boundary threat is so severe.

https://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/t...-codependency/
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Old 05-30-2015, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by chicory View Post
When you are all you've got, thats when you find your inner strength
this is our bottom. this is what forces us to choose to live again. And to let the addict face this too.
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