New baby in home of chaos
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 1
New baby in home of chaos
New here and through reading advice and support on others' posts, I've decided to post my own.
I will try to make this short. My husband is addicted to meth. He was clean for many years and relapsed 5 years ago and has not been sober longer than 4 months since then. In fact, his longest stint just ended this past Monday.
We recently had a baby 2 months ago. The last couple months of my pregnancy were difficult, my son was born early and spent awhile in the NICU. I will say that I could not have gotten through all that without him. He was sober then and was the upstanding man I married and loved.
That has come to an end. This past Monday he didn't come home from work. Eventually he showed up at 1am, admitted he had used and made his wild promises about getting better. I didn't say much but in my head planning an escape for my kids and I. Then Friday he didn't come home again. It's now Saturday afternoon and I've still not heard from him. Blessing in disguise possibly.
Because of this sweet innocent baby I have, I do not want to subject him to the life I have been living the past 5 years. That I am sure of. What I am struggling with is how to get by on my own. We rent and I cannot afford the rent and bills on my own. I am still on maternity leave but even if I worked full time, adding in the cost of child care will make getting by impossible. He is currently employed (by my brother) but I can't imagine that will last once he starts missing work again and being high on the job. I don't really have family that are willing to help and I've thought about a roommate but our house is only 700 sf. With me, the baby and my teenage son, adding another person is not possible.
I don't know what to do. It almost seems like I have to ride this out as long as possible just to get what I can. I will file for child support but once my husband loses this job, he will go back to his other ways of getting money which don't earn an actual check that can be intercepted if you know what I mean.
The only thing I am certain of is I want to protect my kids. I am considering a restraining order but I'm nervous that might make things worse and he may do something foolish like take off with the baby.
I just don't know where to go from here. Any advice or words of encouragement are much appreciated.
Thank you
I will try to make this short. My husband is addicted to meth. He was clean for many years and relapsed 5 years ago and has not been sober longer than 4 months since then. In fact, his longest stint just ended this past Monday.
We recently had a baby 2 months ago. The last couple months of my pregnancy were difficult, my son was born early and spent awhile in the NICU. I will say that I could not have gotten through all that without him. He was sober then and was the upstanding man I married and loved.
That has come to an end. This past Monday he didn't come home from work. Eventually he showed up at 1am, admitted he had used and made his wild promises about getting better. I didn't say much but in my head planning an escape for my kids and I. Then Friday he didn't come home again. It's now Saturday afternoon and I've still not heard from him. Blessing in disguise possibly.
Because of this sweet innocent baby I have, I do not want to subject him to the life I have been living the past 5 years. That I am sure of. What I am struggling with is how to get by on my own. We rent and I cannot afford the rent and bills on my own. I am still on maternity leave but even if I worked full time, adding in the cost of child care will make getting by impossible. He is currently employed (by my brother) but I can't imagine that will last once he starts missing work again and being high on the job. I don't really have family that are willing to help and I've thought about a roommate but our house is only 700 sf. With me, the baby and my teenage son, adding another person is not possible.
I don't know what to do. It almost seems like I have to ride this out as long as possible just to get what I can. I will file for child support but once my husband loses this job, he will go back to his other ways of getting money which don't earn an actual check that can be intercepted if you know what I mean.
The only thing I am certain of is I want to protect my kids. I am considering a restraining order but I'm nervous that might make things worse and he may do something foolish like take off with the baby.
I just don't know where to go from here. Any advice or words of encouragement are much appreciated.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
you will lose so much more ... if you remain with him.
It's scary and certainly it's important to have your ducks in a row but I think he forced your hand and unfortunately you will need to figure it out on your own.
Addiction is a selfish thing. I agree with Jaeger, please try to assemble agencies that can help you. Can you apply for child care subsidy ?
It's scary and certainly it's important to have your ducks in a row but I think he forced your hand and unfortunately you will need to figure it out on your own.
Addiction is a selfish thing. I agree with Jaeger, please try to assemble agencies that can help you. Can you apply for child care subsidy ?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
SpanishEyes...
Welcome to the Board. I'm so glad you took the time to reach out to us for support, and we'll be here for you in any way we can.
Dealing with a loved one's addiction is incredibly difficult under the best of circumstances. But once you convolve a baby into that mix, what's already difficult becomes something far worse. The good news is we have moms here that have been through similar situations. A member than comes to mind is mnh1982; check out some of her posts.
If you arrive at a point where taking out a RO is necessary, we do have some information here that may be of interest:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
I'm not especially conversant on meth addiction. But what I do know is the meth addict often becomes violent, and in that regard, your husband cannot be trusted. So, yes, protecting yourself and your baby is your first priority.
Reach out to as many of our members as you can who've been in similar situations as yours. And please keep all of us posted.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm so glad you took the time to reach out to us for support, and we'll be here for you in any way we can.
Dealing with a loved one's addiction is incredibly difficult under the best of circumstances. But once you convolve a baby into that mix, what's already difficult becomes something far worse. The good news is we have moms here that have been through similar situations. A member than comes to mind is mnh1982; check out some of her posts.
If you arrive at a point where taking out a RO is necessary, we do have some information here that may be of interest:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html
I'm not especially conversant on meth addiction. But what I do know is the meth addict often becomes violent, and in that regard, your husband cannot be trusted. So, yes, protecting yourself and your baby is your first priority.
Reach out to as many of our members as you can who've been in similar situations as yours. And please keep all of us posted.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Do as much research as you possibly can, especially right now while you're on leave-there WILL be resources in your area that can help. Contact them regarding rental assistance, help with baby needs such as formula & diapers (local churches are a great place to start), food stamps, whatever you may need, Understand that you NEED these things & there is no guilt or shame involved in asking for them. Speak with someone at each of these places about income & living situation requirements-when I separated from my husband, the childcare assistance office asked absolutely no questions about the circumstances. They did not care or need to know whether or not he lived at home, how much money he made, etc. They simply filed our relationship status as "separated" & were then able to pay for childcare assistance for myself & my son as a single parent family. Call local agencies regarding rental assistance & as hard as it is, tell them that drugs are involved. They will often then treat your situation as an imminent eviction because if rent is not paid, you may lose your home, & you are in a high-risk situation. These people are here to help, not judge. Please do not be afraid to talk to them.
You do not have to inform him, legally, that you are filing a restraining order, and you can and should request that a police officer escort you & the baby out of the home, or show up to serve your husband with the order & escort HIM out of your place of residence. If at all possible please consider quietly leaving to stay with a trusted & safe friend for a while.
Have you spoken to your family? Are you certain they won't help, or are you just dreading talking to them about what's going on? I have dealt with a similar situation for the last 6 months: my husband is a heroin addict who also has a drinking problem, wasn't employed, & his behavior was getting progressively worse. While my family isn't necessarily physically around (lots are out of state) they nevertheless understood that his behavior is not MY fault & that the first concern has to be for the baby. They were at least willing to help find resources & be a sounding board. Anything helps.
It will be work. Paperwork, emotionally draining & tiring. But there ARE resources out there & you must make the most of them now before it's too late. Believe that you have the strength, if not for yourself, then for your precious baby.
Hugs. If you would like help finding resources PM me. I work in nonprofit management & am a champion Googler
You do not have to inform him, legally, that you are filing a restraining order, and you can and should request that a police officer escort you & the baby out of the home, or show up to serve your husband with the order & escort HIM out of your place of residence. If at all possible please consider quietly leaving to stay with a trusted & safe friend for a while.
Have you spoken to your family? Are you certain they won't help, or are you just dreading talking to them about what's going on? I have dealt with a similar situation for the last 6 months: my husband is a heroin addict who also has a drinking problem, wasn't employed, & his behavior was getting progressively worse. While my family isn't necessarily physically around (lots are out of state) they nevertheless understood that his behavior is not MY fault & that the first concern has to be for the baby. They were at least willing to help find resources & be a sounding board. Anything helps.
It will be work. Paperwork, emotionally draining & tiring. But there ARE resources out there & you must make the most of them now before it's too late. Believe that you have the strength, if not for yourself, then for your precious baby.
Hugs. If you would like help finding resources PM me. I work in nonprofit management & am a champion Googler
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
This is to let you know there ARE resources & there IS hope:
I applied for rental emergency relief a month ago while dealing with my AH having walked out on my son & I. He also has been unemployed since December of last year.
Today, my landlady texted me to tell me that Rental Assistance sent her a check for $1000.
Not just 1/2 my rent, or $500, whichever was greater-that's what they told me the limit was originally.
My ENTIRE rent for May. Every penny.
Do not be afraid to accept what help there is, knowing that you will pay it forward as soon as you can.
Do not feel hopeless. With a little push from the Powers That Be, & a lot of sweat & probably tears from you, your greater Plan is put into action. You can do it & there IS help.
Hugs again.
I applied for rental emergency relief a month ago while dealing with my AH having walked out on my son & I. He also has been unemployed since December of last year.
Today, my landlady texted me to tell me that Rental Assistance sent her a check for $1000.
Not just 1/2 my rent, or $500, whichever was greater-that's what they told me the limit was originally.
My ENTIRE rent for May. Every penny.
Do not be afraid to accept what help there is, knowing that you will pay it forward as soon as you can.
Do not feel hopeless. With a little push from the Powers That Be, & a lot of sweat & probably tears from you, your greater Plan is put into action. You can do it & there IS help.
Hugs again.
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