Trying To Cope..

Old 05-14-2015, 08:15 PM
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Trying To Cope..

I feel as if I am at a loss for words on how to start my post, or how to explain why I'm here. I guess I'll begin with why I'm posting.

I recently found out that my fiance has been using cocaine on and off for the 5 years that we have been together, and he did a very good job of hiding it from me. When I think back I can remember odd behaviour and warning signs that I missed and I'm not even sure how or why.

I found out at a very bad time, as the same weekend my step father had passed on. I don't believe I would have found out if it wasn't for the extremely odd behavior of my fiance, it turns out that what his friends told him was cocaine , was crystal meth. I saw a side of him that I never thought I would ever see and it was a scarey journey.

This was a bit more than 6 months ago, and since then I had forgave him and was able to cope with his promise to never use again. This weekend I have found out that he used cocaine again and tried to hide it from me once more.

I feel very confused and lost, and I am not sure of what steps to take to help myself and himself as well. We did talk about everything, but yet I don't find myself feeling better. I do my best to understand , and I never hold it against him nor will I. I'm just not sure how to cope , the trust has been comprised again.

Does anyone have advice or steps I should take?
Anything would be appreciated.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post
edelweissx is offline  
Old 05-14-2015, 09:58 PM
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I recently discovered that my son is addicted to pills (benzos). It opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. My son is not the person I thought he was. He lied to my face and even lied to himself. In fact, he lied to everyone around him if it meant preventing him from loosing his drugs. His thinking is delusional even when he's sober. The recovery center stated it will take years for him to get his thinking straight even if he stays off the drugs because his emotional growth and logical thinking are stunted and warped. The best way I found to help him is to not help him, not enable him, and to make him suffer the consequences so he can become wiser on a more rapid rate on his own.

I suspect your fiance is not the person you think he is. He's been hiding behind a facade for a long time. Lying has become second nature for him. I recommend you attend nar-anon meetings, hold off on the wedding, and don't get yourself pregnant. Accept the possibility that you may need to leave him. When faced with an ultimatum of you or the drugs, he may pick the drugs. You can't control him. You cannot force him to stop. His decision to stop must be his or otherwise his decision won't be sincere. Don't enable him. Also know that the addiction is progressive, -it's going to get worse if he doesn't choose to stop.

I am sorry you are here. Keep reading.
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Old 05-15-2015, 06:59 AM
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Deception goes hand n hand with addiction. Building trust with an active addict is near impossible.

I think it all begins with you and how you feel about his lying and his drug use. Do you feel he is a drug addict or do you feel he just uses cocaine and meth on and off? Because at this point in time it all depends on what you are willing to truly see and accept.

I for one do not believe that he didn’t know it was crystal meth and not cocaine. Someone who’s been a regular cocaine user for 5 plus years knows the difference. But it’s really about what you are ready to accept or not accept yet.

Learn as much as you can about addiction, about addict behavior, maybe see if you can find an nar-anon or al-anon meeting in your area and moving forward take things slow don’t rush into anything or make any major decisions, allow yourself time to figure it all out.
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Old 05-15-2015, 11:21 AM
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I didn't find out my fiance was an addict until after our baby was born, he had been using our entire relationship. I am still at the beginning of the emotional road, like you.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It is scary and sad to realize that the person you thought had it all together, was able to take such good care of you, that you loved, has been lying to you the entire time.

Not much advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:43 PM
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edelweissx...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and you took the time to post. That's a big, big step.

When we learn someone we care about is abusing drugs, it's like a punch to the gut. The lying, the hiding, the unexplained behavior...it's a betrayal any way you slice it.

The good news, if that's what you want to call it, is now you know. It's out in the open now and he has no place to hide. And now you have decisions you have to make, decisions that have been thrust upon you and ones you cannot duck.

Our role here at FFSA is to provide support, and to share our experiences with new members such as yourself. The more you learn about what it is you're dealing with, you increase your chances of making the best decisions for you. Only you know what those decisions are. But what I will tell you is what you want is not necessarily what's best for you.

It is now time to use your head. Your heart's your heart, and we all get that, but the heart often gets in the way when we have to make dispassionate decisions. And you can't afford that. Your decisions now will have consequences, and big ones. Remember that.

Keep us posted. And I'm sorry about the loss of your stepfather.

Welcome to the Board.
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