hummingbird358

I had posted before about my son. He has not drank alcohol for almost 4 weeks. He has started seeing a therapist and taking zoloft. 2 weeks ago his gf left our home and I have not seen her since. My son seemed ok. He never mentioned her and kept her pics up in his room. Last night before his one college final he started having anxiety and wanted me to message her, etc. She told me that they broke up and she never wants to see or talk to him. She said how selfish he is and how he always expects her to give him money. She said he cares only about himself, etc. He is a mess. He told me he couldn't breathe and was throwing up before his final. He was going to make the Dean's List but now I am unsure. He was telling me to try to convince her to see him and I told him I tried. He came home and you could tell he was crying. He locked himself in his room and never came out. My son is a big marijuana smoker and that is why he always needed money. He finally started a job last week and seemed so positive. Now this. I am beyond scared. He said he is no longer going to see the therapist for there is no point if he can't have his girlfriend. Is this selfishness, no empathy for others, etc a result of the marijuana? The therapist I see tells me it is safer than alcohol and I agree but he does use a lot. I want to tell him to cancel his summer classes and check into a rehab for it but I know he will refuse. He was to graduate in December. My heart is breaking. I am tired of living this nightmare.

happycampers

I would HIGHLY suggest you plug yourself into Allon-on . It will really help YOU and then you can better handle your son in ways that are healthy and productive. Lead by example and go learn/get guidance from people who have walked in your shoes. Please look for a meeting today and go -that's the best next step !

FeelingGreat

hummingbird, you're getting sucked into his vortex again, and you mustn't let that happen. He's telling you he can't breathe (he can), he's throwing up (it happens, it won't kill him), he's crying (good for him); he stirs up a storm of anxiety in you to the point where you actually start texting and communication with his GF on his behalf! He knows how to push your buttons.

Thank goodness his GF has finally got away. He was physical with her, prevented her from leaving, made her go and get his beer and ripped her off. Of course she's going to leave, and your son is finally understanding that his actions have consequences he doesn't like. This has to happen if he's ever going to grow out of his entitled mindset. Did you really want her to go back to him after the way he treated her?

He's stepped up the pressure on you again. Hard as it is for you, keep your distance and don't hesitate to make him stick to your boundaries. The progress he has made seems to be the result of you making boundaries about him drinking at home, but it's not going to smooth sailing all the time. Take a step back, don't do anything for him he can do for himself, and stay strong.

Hawkeye13

He abused her and is now facing the consequences for that.
I agree take a step back and get thee to Al-anon--you are carrying too much for him that he needs to accept and deal with himself.

FG is right--please don't let yourself get sucked back into his vortex.
Isn't therapy part of his conditions for being in your home?
Don't let him start dictating what he's going to do under your roof
or you'll be back to square one.

As a former drinker myself, it sounds like he's possibly setting himself to have a royal relapse at this point and "building" his excuse for it.
Be clear what happens if so.

doggonecarl

You "think" he's not drinking? Or you know he's not drinking. Don't base your knowledge on what your son says. Addicts lie. It's part and parcel of addiction.

You say he's anxious, throwing up. Sounds like the side effects of Zoloft, exacerbated by drinking.

Refiner

I'm curious as to why you are always willing to jump into it with both feet then? You even text the XGF he ABUSED for him?? Please save Junior by getting off his selfish, entitled, sheltered merry go round you've helped create for him. He's a grown adult that needs to learn how to navigate the Big Boy world on his own now. You may think you're "helping" him but you are actually working to his detriment.

hopeful4

I know how hard it is to watch your kid have a panic attack. However, he is using this to manipulate you. He needs help. He is seeing a therapist, maybe he needs to step that up some. This is a hard lesson that bad behavior has bad consequences, but there is absolutely not one thing you can do about that.

XXX

hope213

i am sorry your son is doing this. there is not one thing u can do for him. except pray for him. it may be soon that he will "wake up" but he has to do it himself. we have no control over the amount of drugs ouur son uses or when he will decided to stop. read around this site at all of the post. it is sad but most take years. go to a meeting, stay with us & read everything. you did not cause it, you can not control it & u can not cure it. you do not have any power. i am sorry.

CodeJob

Oh hummer,

Go back and read your previous threads. We have given you a lot of harsh sounding advice to learn the Three C's and extricate yourself... Alas here you are in a heap of drama. It SOUNDS mean what has been suggested, but your enabling him is not helping you (or him).

CodeJob

Hummingbird,

How are you today? I noticed this afternoon you posted on several boards this week. I am concerned about you, your support system, and your son who appears to me in a crisis at finals.

Is your son staying at school through the summer or will he remain on campus?

INgal

Hey HB,
You know we have much in common.
Two things: ignore the panic attacks. They go away and he won't die from them. My son used to freak me out with them but once I started ignoring them he quit.
Secondly, please don't worry about school. That's ALL I thought about. I thought it would be the "answer". I have a graduate now, but if I had been smarter I would have taken a closer look at the alcoholism instead of praying for him to get done with school. Addressing the addiction must come first. Nothing else is going to miraculously change once they have their diploma. He needs to get healthy now.

Please know I think about you often and always hope for some positive signs.

hummingbird358

Just an update. My son has continued with therapy and the zoloft. He had a GPA of 3.2 this semester and starts his summer classes this week. He has been working weekends for about a month now and goes from 4:30am to 7:30pm on those days. The girlfriend came back to him but she is keeping her distance so to speak. He has paid her back the money he owed her with his paychecks. He has not drank in 4 weeks. I check his room when he is gone and he commuted back and forth to college the last 4 weeks so there was nothing going on in his apartment. Besides that he has no friends that he speaks to at college.

CodeJob

Hi Hummer,

Are you seeing a counselor? Have you tried Al Anon? Have you read Codependent No More?

What have you done for you? I sense you are deeply unhappy.