daisy1963

My DD is 32 and has struggles with addiction since she was 18. In the past we have had our arguments and disagreements. We somehow managed to still have a mother/daughter relationship. I made her move out a year ago. She has had a tough year and has been homeless off and on, has not worked, does not have a car and has several legal problems facing her. I have bent over backwards trying to help her gave her money, place to stay the list goes on and on.

I am taking care of her 2 children and have been for the last several years although during that time she was with us. It does not matter what I say to her. She is hostile, angry, bitter you name it. If she does not like what I am saying she either cusses me, cuts me off mid sentence or hangs up on me.

She said I nag her or put her down. I don't do it on purpose I am trying to get her to understand what she is doing to her children. I want us to have some sort of relationship. I am at a loss for how to accomplish that. I don't know if all of this is because I finally took a stand and said I had enough and would not be part of it anymore. She said I am heartless because I won't help her anymore. I have offered to help her find a rehab, I have offered to pick her up and take her back to where she staying if she wants to see the kids. She refuses just about everything I suggest. She however does not hesistate to call me if she wants something.

I miss her and if this is the new normal how do I talk to her?

MissUs2015

I have found it healing to focus on the good points of my alo. Not to say I'm ok with furthering his addiction, but I'm OK with being his friend WHILE developing my OWN interests and priorities.

katie44

When we stopped giving in to our AS ( 28 yrs old ) he became quite miserable. There was absolutely no logic in his way of thinking . Very manipulative, if he did call I always knew it was because he needed something . As soon as we started saying no the swearing, the poor me syndrome , criticizing us the list went on. Downright nasty, every conversation was about his needs. The more we tried to help him the needier he got. I can't tell you how many times when we say no the argument escalated in to he was going to commit suicide . It was absolutely exhausting . Only when I started to focus on my self , let him make his own decisions and stop enabling him did I start to feel any peace. I'm sorry you are going through this . You are caring for her two children & yourself . Focus on your own healing . It sounds as if you have done all you can. Remember the three C's you can't control it , you didn't cause it , and you can't cure it . This is her journey . Only when she gets sick of being sick & tired will she begin to heal . There is no reasoning with the addicts in our lives .

ardy

Hi all .. well here's mine.. you all know my hubby has been on morphine for the last 5 years.. for pain right, well he turned 60 last Oct.. and in the last few months has been going on about travel to Adult parties in far away states.. right like he can't hardly do it at home.. and I am not spending 3500 to fly us to some screwball place to have him get sick or worse... Iam 65 and our sex life has been little to none for years because of his neck surgery shoulder surgery and back surgeries.. much else all the time in the hospital because of his tummy... to go to my Moms for a weekend is one back just for his medical stuff.. and then 2 bags for him for clothes.. to go to What for What ... ekkekekekekeekkke and yes you guessed it Who is the Bad guy in all of this. hand in the air.. I love my Hubby miss the man I married and bounced all over the house.. and we did too.. Ladies did you know thier hearing is affected by to much bouncing yep.. hahaaha and when we were younger I could make him walk funny for a couple of days. we had a good life untill he had that accident at work and they dumped the meds in him... I told him yesterday If you think for a minute you are going to go thro mid life crises I will end that medical problem big time.. Pow Alice right to the Moon.. he gave me such a look.. I am a lady that never even got to have bad days with the pause.. no laughter.. every time I got a tiny bit out of shape.. he would get sicker and into the hospital for a couple of days... Ladies we need a spa day all of us... golly what would that be like... no mud bath just a steam soak and lavander rub.. would be grand..
love to all and a ton of prayers ardy... well I got that off my chest .. someone pull my bra tighter please hahahahahaha now the laughter...ekkekeke

FeelingGreat

daisy, just a general observation that the more you try with demanding people like your DD, the nastier they get. It's like (unfortunately) a toddler getting into the habit of tantrums because they worked the first few times. As much as you want to have a good relationship with DD, it has to be based on mutual respect. Stick to your very good principles of not enabling her in any way, and let her be nasty until she realises it won't work any more. Feeling the consequences of her way of life is possibly the only chance she has of getting desperate enough to consider rehab.

hopeful4

Honey, unless you are going to say everything she wants you to say, and do everything she wants you to do, that is what she will do. I am so sorry. Read up on here, you hear it over and over.

Tight, very tight, hugs to you. Keep reading and posting, SR is a place of great support. There are many other parents who will be along to support you during this tough time.

XXX

daisy1963

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. Since making her leave last April 2014 our life is somewhat more peaceful. At least I don't dread coming home. It was either draw the line or have a nervous breakdown. My need for sanity prevailed so I made a choice to have her leave. I know this is her journey and hers alone. It is just so very painful to watch. I can't even discuss random events like the weather with her much less go out to lunch. I hope and pray that one day she will realize how much better life would be without the addiction/dysfunctional relationships.

I hope one day that all of our children will find peace and happiness and that relationships will be restored..

Chino

I've learned I can't get anyone to understand anything when they don't want to. Sometimes, to be fair, they can't understand. It's simply past what they're capable of. Regardless, it's beating my head against the proverbial brick wall and I end up hurt the most.

Another thing I learned was that my daughter used to control the relationship because I allowed that. I heard a great line in a movie the other day and I think it applies perfectly here:

"The person who cares the least controls the relationship."

Eauchiche

My separated mate has made this part easy. He wants nothing to do with me, unless it is to ask for money.
This has helped me face my own issues with abandonment and rejection, which led me to a relationship like this one.
I often say that he has been an important and integral part of my healing and recovery, but for all the wrong reasons.