mnh1982

Heard from a mutual friend. She & her husband saw STBXAH at the store the other night. She said he looked completely confused, couldn't seem to find where he had parked his car, then looked flummoxed by starting his car at all.

I just thanked her for telling me. Sure sounds like he's back to choosing heroin over his family.

Then, I text messaged his father (FIL) to tell him he had been spotted. FIL's response was, "I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but did he ever say anything to you about what happened to him in jail?"

Well, Yes, FIL, he did. And since what he told me is just awful, horrible & traumatic (STBXAH's story is that he was raped 3 times, consecutively by other inmates), I have told him over & over again to please, please, please go back to counseling & therapy, stay on his medications (Suboxone, namely) & learn to TALK TO ME (or to others) when he is feeling depressed, lost or upset. Mind you, he wouldn't have been incarcerated in the first place if he hadn't started doing heroin. One came before the other.

He never followed through on any of those things, which is a big part of what led to my kicking him out of the house.

Not only that, but no matter WHAT you've been through, I fail to see how any of that is an excuse for literally disappearing on your wife & child. I told FIL as much & now he's offended & seems to think I should have let STBXAH's past traumas excuse his behavior.

That probably sounds horrible & non-compassionate & mean, but COME ON!!!!! Many, many people have gone through awful traumas & don't treat their families the way STBXAH or any other addict has treated theirs!!!

zoso77

No.

zoso77

Let me elaborate.

You said this:

Here's the deal. You're not going to get anywhere with your father-in-law. The relationship between father and son can be a complex one, and drugs will inevitably make it even more complex, but what matters is that relationship existed before you were in the picture. He's not going to see things the way you want him to see it. So don't try. Leave him be.

The only thing that matters is the health and emotional well being of you and your child. Your AH has made his choices. In response, you (justifiably) made yours. Don't be surprised by anything that he does. He's an addict, and he's behaving like one.

It sucks. It's not fair. It's maddening. But it is what it is.

chicory

mnh,

I think you are absolutely right. I think that if I had been raped, and as a result began to treat my family with neglect, I would get help. Its all in what you really want, I guess.

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of your child and yourself. Someone has to, right?

Take care, and maybe the serenity prayer will help you as it does me, at times like this.

hugs
chicory

mnh1982

I am slowly & yes, with much maddening, attempting to distance myself from the ILs completely. Unfortunately, as seems to happen frequently, when AH pulls his little stunts, they all sit back, sigh, & just "wait it out". No consequences, no resistance & no assistance. It's sad & makes me sad for him, that he has so little support, but they've dealt with him & tried to support him in the past, I'm sure to no avail. FIL can be as defensive as he wants. It changes nothing as far as how I'm going to handle AH.

Vale

I could tell you some stuff that would make your skin crawl.
It is not what happens to us---it is what we DO with it.

Some people can come out of traumatic events and vow that
it will NOT color their future. Others find what they have secretly
dreamed of their whole life, a get out of jail free card for treating
others (and their own lives)...........like crap.

"Babe....(it always has to start with some condescending form of
address like that)....if you saw and experienced what I have, you'd
understand why I am the way I am".

The truth is, some come out of concentration camps and horrors
far beyond what you and I could ever dream of-----and then they cuddle
puppies, give solace to the sad, and are a net positive to humanity.

Never fall for the "if you saw/experienced what I did" LIE. It is
a stolen valor LIE.......designed SOLELY to breach natural defenses.

When you hear this lie, translate it from the local BS dialect into
understandable English:

"This Jedi mind trick usually works----I have done things that I do
not want to held to account for, so I cook up all these reasons (that
you had better accept!) to get you to agree that I HAD NO CHOICE"

Except for the uncomfortable fact that everyone has a choice.

mnh1982

Here's the deal, kids. I am a rape survivor.

And it has never, ever been an excuse for me to have done anything that negatively influenced anyone else. Not so much as hurting someone's feelings or tapping someone's bumper.

Maybe that makes me less empathetic to him than I should be, I don't know.

CarmenLove

Maybe that makes you a substantive and empathetic person who has also chosen to use her traumatic experience for positive in her life.

Hugs.

chicory

(((Vale))) So true..

"Man's Search For Meaning" by Victor Frankl.. good example of man making good come from bad.