Need to rant

Old 04-24-2015, 10:11 AM
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Need to rant

OK, so I am not quite sure how this is going to come out.

I am seriously triggered right now.

One of my STBXAH's friends, well his best friend actually although they don't live close, text me today. I had contacted him when it was all going off and I had decided to leave as he is not in recovery and I suspected he is using again (99% sure). I text his friend to tell him what was happening and that I was leaving, as he was in touch when X was hospitalised with withdrawals 6 months ago.

Anyway, for some reason he has only just text me back now today, and the text says "I have spoken to X and I am happy with what he told me"

SERIOUSLY !!!!!!!

I mean WTF.

Why don't these people get it?

Why does no-one believe me (well my family and friends do) when I am the sober one????

OK I am probably crazy codependent, but I was living with him. He is an addict, I know the signs. Why the hell do they choose to listen to his lies?

His family cut me out treating me as though I was 'damaged goods' - someone mentally unstable to be careful of... I'm like HELLO! It's your son who is addicted, not me.

I don't know why this part of it cuts so deep. For me the truth is SO IMPORTANT. And to not be believed, I cannot describe how painful that is feeling to me right now.

Urghhhh,

I'm feeling so horrible and confused right now.

It doesn't help because I have been sort of 'spiritual' about it... I mean I don't regret that, however we have been in email contact and I have still said 'I love you', even though I am separating from him AND I am pretty sure he is with someone else now (as in found evidence of such).

I do love him. However I will not stay with him.

I told him I want a divorce, and he said he loves me, meant his vows, is not with anyone else, it's only me, is in recovery etc etc...

I said we could discuss it in marriage counselling or under professional mediation, as I will only discuss this with a professional involved now.

I don't think this marriage can be saved, however I am open to hearing each other out under supervision. It's more likely to be how we can separate amicably? I guess there is also part of me that would like to support of a counsellor in this conversation, because I cannot make any of it make any sense when I talk to him. However I am not willing to expend the energy to organise it, and I don't think he will.

So it is unlikely to happen.

I expect I will have to go ahead with the divorce soon.

I just have no idea how to go about that. And the truth is I am feeling pretty scared and alone right now.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:26 AM
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I have a question as well.

What about these articles that say because addiction is a mental disease, that the addict cannot think clearly, or help themselves. And therefore it is our responsibility to intervene.

This is confusing to me.

I have read the stories of where people have intervened, and sent their addicted loved ones to treatment, only for the addict to go straight back out and use again because they weren't ready.

I have also read about where loved ones have done an intervention, and then the addict has stayed clean, lived and was eternally grateful (admittedly more so in the media).

Can anyone speak to me about this?

I feel so triggered right now.

I have a strong urge to DO SOMETHING, because when people don't believe me I feel like I have to make them know. Otherwise he could die and it would be my fault because I knew and didn't make them see.

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Old 04-24-2015, 10:39 AM
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What about these articles that say because addiction is a mental disease, that the addict cannot think clearly, or help themselves. And therefore it is our responsibility to intervene.


honey if that were true, then how do you suppose AA ever got started? or NA? addicts DO have what are called "moments of clarity" - tiny windows of time when they do SEE what is going on and know how bad it is - and in those moments, they DO have a choice. i will make the exception for the very late stage alcoholic or addict, or those with underlying and untreated mental illness such as bipolar or schizophrenia.

listen to me....IT IS NOT CARMEN'S JOB TO MAKE ANYONE ELSE SEE. not your responsibility. you have let others know what you have witnessed, what your experience has told you. what THEY do with that is UP TO THEM.

this friend says he's fine with what your (X)AH told him. that is his CHOICE. that does not MEAN that all is well and that your husband is magically CURED. that is where your doubt is creeping in.....

its time now to sever more ties. you don't need to keep sending out Public Service Announcements to those in his circle to try and get someone to join your side. this is not a campaign. this IS about your sanity and sense of peace. breathe. get some distance from this. put it all in the hands of your Higher Power.
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Old 04-25-2015, 01:38 AM
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You ex's-friend/family reaction...

...They're reacting in the way that your ex has spun his story.

They're "taking his side" because that's what friends and family do when they're enabling his addiction. They can be as addicted to him as he is to his drugs.

We can all choose something different.

"It has been said that by doing the right thing to bring sanity into my life, I end up doing the right things for the addicts in my life." (Naranon SESH, April 29)
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Old 04-25-2015, 01:41 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
What about these articles that say because addiction is a mental disease, that the addict cannot think clearly, or help themselves. And therefore it is our responsibility to intervene.


honey if that were true, then how do you suppose AA ever got started? or NA? addicts DO have what are called "moments of clarity" - tiny windows of time when they do SEE what is going on and know how bad it is - and in those moments, they DO have a choice. i will make the exception for the very late stage alcoholic or addict, or those with underlying and untreated mental illness such as bipolar or schizophrenia.

listen to me....IT IS NOT CARMEN'S JOB TO MAKE ANYONE ELSE SEE. not your responsibility. you have let others know what you have witnessed, what your experience has told you. what THEY do with that is UP TO THEM.

this friend says he's fine with what your (X)AH told him. that is his CHOICE. that does not MEAN that all is well and that your husband is magically CURED. that is where your doubt is creeping in.....

its time now to sever more ties. you don't need to keep sending out Public Service Announcements to those in his circle to try and get someone to join your side. this is not a campaign. this IS about your sanity and sense of peace. breathe. get some distance from this. put it all in the hands of your Higher Power.
Yes.

This is all so true.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
[I]this is not a campaign.
No. However it did feel like that. Thing is I did stop contact with any of his family and friends a couple of weeks ago, however his friend only text me back now, and it stirred up that panic feeling again realising that no-one is listening to me or taking on board what is happening.

Sigh.

I realise there is nothing I can do. And I am ready to give it up.

I was thinking about our marriage over the past 1.6 years and I realised it has been absolute **** ! The first 3 months were good, really good, and then we had some great times last year as we were traveling together, however he didn't work that whole time. I was working (I work online) to support us.

In fact he hardly contributed at all. It was my ideas, my energy, I was the one working, earning money, which never got us far. No matter how hard I worked were never had enough money.

I realise that I was starved of conversation as he was not a big talker. There was little in the way of romance, except when I made a big fuss about it. Also we didn't really go out as I felt bad because he couldn't drink when we went out, due to being a dry drunk.

Then we came back to UK for him to work and pay off a couple of credit cards. At that point if he had done that the cards could have been paid, and us off again traveling, within a couple of months.

Instead he picked up. And we got stuck in this nightmare.

7 months later and I have left. He did start working in January, however nothing else improved from my point of view.

There was still the lying, the sneakily behaviour - using and lying about it basically.

Do you know I went to the US for a short work convention in December last year. I seriously considered not going as it was only a couple of months after he relapsed and I was afraid he would relapse again. His mother disapproved of me going.

However I made a decision to go because I knew how codependent it would be not too. It was a BIG dream of mine and would help me further my business.

I decided his recovery was his business and that he would do what he would do regardless of whether I was there.

At that time he was attending 1 SMART meeting a week (he could have gone to more) and had a drug worker. We made a plan for people he would call for support including his drug worker, his SMART leader and his mum. I also Skyped in every day.

I was gone a week. While I was gone, on one of our phone calls he began crying and said he had no food??!!

I of course sent him some money for food, however due to our financial situation caused by him not working, and me struggling to keep my business going while he relapsed and was in hospital, I was very low on money.

Do you know I had to eat crisps for dinner one night because I couldn't afford dinner?

I don't think he gave a **** !

I also did not have the money to go out with the other ladies from my convention.

When I arrived home he was late picking me up from the airport, even though he knew my luggage was lost and I was cold (long story however I didn't have my coat).

When he arrived the car had no petrol and he hardly bothered to speak to me.

Of course he was using, although I was in denial about that at the time.

Frequently we didn't have money for proper food. However when I have spoken to him about this he seems to think *HE* supported us when we were traveling because he spent a couple of hundred pounds on his credit cards.

Of course where he used BOTH our financial situations just got A LOT worse. We could have been sorted within a couple of month. However instead we have gone down....

The ship sunk.

Well I am out now.

I am not saying there were NO issues on my side or that our marriage was perfect, however I do see just how hard I have been trying, and how much I have put in to save this marriage over the past year and a half.

And how unsuitable of a partner he really is for me.

I am a social person. I love to travel. I love conversation, dancing and people.

All that was gone with him.

His redeeming factor used to be that he was really kind to me. He treated me well at the beginning and was really loving. That is why I married him. We had a connection and he loved me more than I had every experienced before.

However ALL that is gone now. He doesn't treat me well anymore and he is not kind.

There is literally NOTHING left for me here.

I think I gave it my everything. So at least I know I did that.

Last night I began to get REALLY angry. I think this is a good thing.

Wow, that ended up being long.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 04-25-2015, 02:11 AM
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
I have a question as well.

What about these articles that say because addiction is a mental disease, that the addict cannot think clearly, or help themselves. And therefore it is our responsibility to intervene.
We didn't cause, cure or control the addiction. We contribute to it by feeding his desire to be dependent on us so we can feel needed while he procures and consumes more drugs.

Intervention is the addict's core group, in unison, letting the addict know not only that they will not assist in his drug use, but that they will assist in a concrete way with his recovery should he choose it.

An intervention is less powerful when no one but you wants to intervene. Yes, it could kill him, yes we're the only ones screaming for help. But it's the choice of those who make excuses to do that. Our only choice is to live our lives the best we can.

It's hard.
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Old 04-25-2015, 04:01 AM
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Originally Posted by MissUs2015 View Post
We didn't cause, cure or control the addiction. We contribute to it by feeding his desire to be dependent on us so we can feel needed while he procures and consumes more drugs.

Intervention is the addict's core group, in unison, letting the addict know not only that they will not assist in his drug use, but that they will assist in a concrete way with his recovery should he choose it.

An intervention is less powerful when no one but you wants to intervene. Yes, it could kill him, yes we're the only ones screaming for help. But it's the choice of those who make excuses to do that. Our only choice is to live our lives the best we can.

It's hard.
Thanks MissUs.

Yes! And just URGHHHHH to the whole thing.

I've so had enough.

I feel so let down and I want to scream at him and his stupid family that I hate them, and I won't. I don't actually hate, and it's a word I very rarely use, however I am feeling extremely frustrated and let down. I'm just feeling angry right now.
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