Nowiamawas1026

Hello everyone,

ive been reading this forum for about a year and half, and never posted. i finally need to let loose on everything going on.

I'll save you all the "we met, fell madly in love..." shenanigans and get right to the point. the dude was HIGHLY addicted to norco. now i am an RN in an ER. i had no stinking clue....what a complete shock. i mean i knew something was up-but never in my wildest dreams did i think it was drugs. i hate drugs so much i make it a point to ask on first dates if that is a thing..of course he lied.

so over the last year and a half-things have been awful..and yes i stuck it out. i think he's been off pills now for 7 months, and on suboxone treatment. he was still awful to be with, disappearing, acting crazy, well come to find out he's been smoking weed regularly for the last year. again-I HAD NO CLUE...but this time i knew that there was stuff going on. but i shouldn't worry because it isn't his drug of choice and theres a difference between drug use and abuse....these were things he said to me when i officially told him i was done. never mind the fact his behavior is crazy, and the fact he has lied about it and hid it---just means this is now his new addiction. wonderful. he's so stupid!!!!!!!!!

what gets to me and drove me to post tonight after reading so many stories, from addicts and from everyone around them....
I'm really stinking angry. i didn't ask for this, in fact ive stayed so far away from drugs my entire life. i'm a great person, i'm 32, fairly pretty, funny, driven, spontaneous, i have a great career... why did i let this go on for so long?!?!? this is all his problem!!!!! its not my problem. its unfair that this has grown to effect me the way that it has now i'm the one seeking help so that i don't ever go through this again. i didn't ask for this.

i gave him the boot after learning about the marijuana use...now i just gotta remember that i deserve so much better. that theres someone out there who would never think to put me through all this. someone who loves me and cares about me, and doesn't put a substance first in their life. someone who doesn't need a substance to live their life.

k thanks for letting me vent. and thanks for letting me read all of the stories of heartbreak, frustration, sadness on here. there have been plenty of nights i read this forum for hours and hours and hours.

atalose

Just remember......when we know better we do better!!!

chicory

Glad you posted, Now...

You will be so happy when you are the master of your ship! Throw the garbage overboard! I am not meaning to call him garbage- just the hardships that he comes with.

Take care and keep posting. its nice to meet you!

Nowiamawas1026

Chicory, he is complete garbage. And that's a hard pill to swallow. I fought so hard for the person he could be, but I'm done fighting. He doesn't care about that person, so why should I? He drinks to excess, is on suboxone, and now has added weed to the mix. He's a hot mess. And it's not my mess to clean up. Over the last couple months I sensed a change in him, so I started doing stuff for myself, I started a little patio garden, I got a new kitten, started hanging out with friends, and instead of waiting on him to make future plans, I just make them without him in them. Daily alcohol intake+suboxone, and now weed to the mix doesn't sound like a fun combination.

So starts my day 1 of no contact.

Thank you for your replies. <3

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us and took the time to post.

Judging from your posts, you're pretty angry at the moment, and I both empathize with and understand that anger. When we say something like this --

-- that's coming from a pretty dark place. So, if you can...step back, deep breath, and read carefully.

When people give themselves permission to self destruct, it doesn't matter what we want for them, or how much we care about them. They're impervious to all of that. In your case, your ex is one sick, sick person, and because he's sick, you really shouldn't personalize what he's doing.

Right now, you're raw and in pain, and that's totally understandable. But allow me to gently suggest you should practice letting some of that anger go. Even if it's just for a few minutes a day, you'll feel better in the days and weeks to come.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Nowiamawas1026

Oh man, I just got a little fan girly seeing Zoso reply....again, I've been on this forum for a while...

How can I not personalize it? He lied to me (yet again) for a year about the weed. He doesn't think it's a problem at all, he doesn't see that although he isn't taking pills, he still is an addict. He has been down right awful to me. Like to the point of standing me up, and then wanting to joke around the next day about something at work (we both work in the same field)

I have stood up for him to my friends and colleagues at work, when everyone was begging me to leave him...and this is what I get? Now he's a ******* stoner on top of it. Wonderful.

It's weird being angry about it. I've been so sad about it all for so long. I'm fed up. I'm pissed that I couldn't help him at all (again I'm a nurse- so it's like extra hard to admit defeat)

I will say, i wish I would have posted sooner....it's nice knowing you guys have been through all the craziness. And made it out to be even better versions of yourselves. I hope to get to that place. I need to get to that place.

Refiner

Because you allowed it. You let HIM take over YOU -- lesson learned. Congratulations, this is day one in your recovery to TAKE BACK YOU :-)

Nowiamawas1026

See- I thought I was helping. I mean I'm a silly RN, that's what we do, we help people. It's so hard to break out of that mindset.

This dude all he wants to do instead of counseling, or meetings is to find seclusion and sit in the woods and probably drink and smoke weed. And he swears that this is what is gonna help him.

Again- why I'm finally walking away. I'm sure the anger will subside soon. I'm not an angry person. I think I would just rather be angry than be sad anymore than I already have been. I can't tell you how many nights I've spent unconsolably crying over this.

zoso77

Kid...step back for a second.

You've been lurking for how long, exactly? How many stories have you read? How many stories have hit home with you? What's the common thread through all of it?

I'll tell you what it is: they're addicts, and this is what addicts do.

Someone in active addiction lies, cheats, steals, manipulates, and behaves like a sociopath without any remorse for the carnage they leave in their wake. Look up my post history and see how my AXGF behaved. Look up Ann's. Look up katie44's; her AS's behavior is completely, utterly despicable and chilling.

Think of it this way. Moms like Ann and katie went above and beyond in terms of trying to help their children. How did their children respond to that motherly love and support?

Poorly, to put it mildly.

And their behavior has nothing to do with their mothers. It's all about them, their cognitive dysfunction as a result of addiction, and how that dysfunction leads to horrible behavior.

Yes, you stood up for him, because that's what people do when they care about someone. The problem is he's unable to absorb it. If you've read my posts, how many times have I used the "hole in the bottom" metaphor when describing an addict? You pour love and support in, it comes out of the bottom immediately. That has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

Mind you, I'm not saying you don't have reason to be angry, because you sure as f--k do. But what trying to tell you, as gently as I can, is when you devalue him -- referring to him as "garbage" -- you're not doing yourself any favors. That will work against you.

Trust me. Been there, done that, lived to tell the tale.

Do your best to dial it back, even if it's just for seconds at a time.

Nowiamawas1026

Gah, I just don't get it. They throw people away like nothing. All for something artificial. And he's so smart, I don't get how he can't see what is going on. I feel terrible for not sticking it out with him. I was reading a post last night about wanting a crystal ball, because what happens if he wakes up and just stops and I miss it? I identified with that so much. But truly the path he's on now, is reminding me exactly of the crazy that went down before he stopped the pills. And truly I can't go down this road again with him. His moods are insanely labile. And again- this isn't my problem, it's his. So why do I have to experience the crazy?

I just wish he would stop. And get himself some help.

There was a night last week where he was telling me he was looking into going into the amazon to hang out with a shaman, and take a very powerful hallucinogen to figure out his life. I lost it again. Why does everything revolve around something else? What happened to the days of having a picnic or going to the dog park?

By writing I am realizing just how new I am to this, when I thought I was already miles ahead of the game. Still staying strong on the no contact. So that's a start. Work is normally an awesome distraction for people, but unfortunately in the ER I see overdoses every night, and that's scary that he could be one of them.

zoso77

It is what it is. And the simplest explanations are usually the best. He does what he does because he's an addict. And that's what addicts do.

In time, when you're not as raw, you'll understand this.

GardenMama

So maybe you aren't ready to let go of your anger...that's okay. Just use it to propel you forward and AWAY, towards happy and away from REGRET. It may take some time, but it will dissipate...if you let it...go.

My RAD was a heroin addict in my home and I didn't see it, didn't know. I can spend time beating myself up over that--5 years ago...now that kind of anger doesn't do anything but make me feel bad. I had to let it go.

Nowiamawas1026

I think I've also been in denial of the fact that he is an addict. It's hard to see and believe someone in my field, does this to themselves. Who knows the consequences, who sees the people come in and beg for narcotics...he's one of them. I know it effects people of all walks of life...

I know I should stay strong here, but he's acting crazy, his emotions go from 0-100, and he thinks that pot is ok, since again it's not his drug of choice, as well as the alcohol. I never gave him a hard time about the alcohol because he seemed to keep it in check, over the last two months it's gotten out of control. I left work one night to go to his place, he had not gone out, he was alone and was sooo drunk he couldn't even walk...I am making the right choice by walking away...right? Do you guys think his behavior towards these other vices are addictions as well like I suspect they have become? Keep in mind he is also still on 4mg of suboxone daily to deal with the opiate aspect....

Thank you guys, I've been talking to friends and family about all of this for the last year and a half, and though I love them, this has been way more beneficial for me <3

CarmenLove

I think we have all been in that place of denial at times in this journey.

As you have been reading this forum for some time I believe you know the answer to this question, at least you have seen what life will be like if you stay. It's your choice as to whether you want that.

In my experience an addict is an addict, mine used to switch his DOC fairly regularly and abused them all!

CarmenLove

PS - it's always hard when it's someone we know and love. We cannot believe that person is really and addict like the others we read about here.

And they are.

Nowiamawas1026

I feel like I've opened the flood gates with you guys. I can't thank you enough.

You know what else gets to me? He gets to sit there and take and do whatever drug it is and forget about life, or feel numb, or whatever...I have to actually deal with my emotions, and problems.

katie44

You are right when you say it's hard not too take it personal. Addiction has too be one of the most frustrating diseases. It was only when I started to look at my AS as a sick individual was I able too step back . I would beg him, plead , yell, make bargains with him to stop using it was total insanity on my part . I was wasting my energy on a person with absolutely no logic . As I call it he suffered from the "If Syndrome " if he had a better job, a nicer place to live, the list went on off ifs ! You see the addict truly believes there okay. If they can fix all the other chaos in there life they will be fine . Of course we all know this is not true. They are in utter denial the true cause of all there problems . It took me a very long time to realize that I could not control him I was totally powerless over his addiction . I can remember one day standing in front of him telling him all of his problems were drug related . Of course he denied it he had too fix all the other chaos in his life . That was my breaking point for the first time in years I was able too look at him and think this person is truly sick, he truly doesn't see what others see, he thinks he's fine ??? It was like standing in front of a total stranger . I was sick of being sick and tired . Take care of yourself , and your own program & healing . I'm sorry you've been so hurt. That's what addicts do. None of us know what there bottom will be its his journey. Sounds like your on your way too a journey of recovery yourself . Keep coming back to SR know you are not alone .

Nowiamawas1026

Oh my god looking at a stranger is totally correct. I have come to not even know who this person is anymore. Part of me so wanted to believe it was his brain chemistry fighting it's way through 12 years of opiate addiction...but his symptoms didn't get better, they have gotten way worse over the last 3 months.

Another thing that bothers me is that I think I'm the only one who has been able to see the change in him. (Maybe this is just me being stupid) as an addict he's very good at putting on a good face to others, and with me, I see all the good, bad, and ugly.
His parents blamed me for his addiction. Denial at it's best folks. They first tried telling me that if me and him weren't fighting as much, he wouldn't have been taking pills. And then they also went so far as to blame my profession stating that he never would have got addicted if the dr didn't prescribe him pain meds for a broken ankle 12 years prior. That was the last time I spoke with them....

God you guys are awesome. It's like everything you guys are saying and have been through and experienced, is my ex and I to a tee.

Refiner

Oh GAWD... that denial and enabling from his parents is just MADDENING!!! It's EVERYBODY ELSE'S fault! What does he do in the healthcare field? Does he steal narcotics from his workplace?

Nowiamawas1026

Yeah, after I heard that, I walked out of their house and haven't spoken a word to them since. He works in xray, so he doesn't get near the narcotics. Last year he was fired from both of his jobs, not directly drug related, but based on performance. His parents offered to sue the freaking facilities. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Oh and even then he didn't even stop taking the pills....

Again this whole experience has blown my mind...I never knew people could fake drugs tests..(I'm so niave)

I kinda feel like I'm detoxing from him in a way. I'm thinking, what else could I be doing right now instead of obsessing over him? So I went grocery shopping after a hellish 12 hour shift. Made some soup, and decided I was going to start eating healthier. So I fired up my weight watchers app on my phone and put together a whole slew of stuff to eat for tonight at work. They say your eating habits can effect your mood----so it can't hurt to try right?