Late night stories

Old 04-21-2015, 05:56 PM
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Post Late night stories

Five years ago I fell in love. First boyfriend. First man who ever liked me back and wanted to be in a relationship with me. We started our long-distance relationship, then traveled back and forth to see each other, then he moved to my city and eventually moved in with me. Half a year from when we first talked, he then became my first husband.

He was depressed, he rarely wanted to go out, he enjoyed telling his stories and listening to mine. Somewhere among the wild excitement of new love, sometime during those late night conversations, he told me he had used heroin in the past, with an emphasis on "past"; that he was only taking prescription medications for his depression, anxiety, PTSDs, whatever else.

There were days of me being upset at him trying to get medications from someone else who was selling them, taking long train and bus rides with him to get suboxone (it never registered in my head, in the early days, why someone who was not using heroin needed suboxone - I barely remembered all the medication names then because there were so many, and only later realized in retrospect that he was getting high on the sub.) There were nights of me crying because he wanted to smoke marijuana and I would somehow give him the money because he wanted it so badly, because he seemed nicer when he was high, because he treated me better when he was on some pill or some weed.

As the disease progressed with him heading toward coke, crack, heroin, and all the addict behaviors that came with the territory, it also progressed with me increasing my tolerance for bullcraps, lies, and levels of pain I'd never known existed in me.

Through the years, dangerous situations and behaviors ran the gamut: getting robbed (him), being duct-taped and held at gun point (him), sitting in the car with a dealer with a gun in the backseat (us), getting sent to the psych ward for suicidal attempt (me), making attempts but backing out last minute (me), selling & stealing & lying to get money for drugs (him), trying all the pills and drugs at least once to figure out why he got addicted (me). The list went on. For days and weeks and months and years it felt like the life went on, too, with no end in sight, as he overdosed a couple of times with death waiting at the door every time and came back to use even harder. I was waiting at the door too, and kept coming back to him, every single time.

We spent almost every day of those five years together, didn't really spend much time with other people - partly because it became a habit, partly because he wasn't big on going out, partly because he was jealous when I went out with - or sometimes even just when I talked to - other people, and partly because I started to feel the same way toward him.

Early this year he went away to treatment across the country. I went through what I later found was withdrawal from my AH. He was my drug. He is still my drug. I was severely depressed, isolated myself, got into horrible mood swings, ate, starved... I went to work every day, and went straight home every day, locking myself up in the apartment, sometimes just to cry myself to sleep. It took me almost two months to start feeling somewhat okay to get out. I went to a meeting the first night I went out. I kept going back to that meeting every week, made it to a few more meetings. I felt better. He was doing well, he was hitting 90 days clean (he hadn't been clean that long since we've known each other and even for years before that.) Life seemed to look hopeful.

He'd left sober housing and moved in with a friend after the program went down from full time to three days a week. He wanted me to come visit. My trip was planned after his 90-day mark, since we both thought it would be safer then for him and me emotionally, to have somewhat of a significant period of sobriety in place before we saw each other again. He got depressed, relapsed on marijuana a few days before I was supposed to come visit. I cancelled my trip, said I didn't want us to see each other before we both got clean and healthy. Later on I found out he'd also talked to his old psychiatrist, got a few prescriptions, and essentially overdosed on one of them. After going through the ER and detox, he refused going back to treatment, checked himself out, called and asked me and everyone he knew for money, got no money from anybody. As of last night his phone gps was off, and he seems to have disappeared. Perhaps the phone has been used to finance either drugs or a ticket to get back here or both. I have no idea.

I also found out he'd flirted with a bunch of women including ex's & old friends & rehab acquaintances, tried to get on dating sites and apps and CL to find women to be his girlfriend or to have sex with. He never had a strong sex drive and always held me to standards ("flirting/fantasizing about another man would be considered emotional cheating" kind of standard), so I assumed these sexual behaviors of his were a combination of getting clean and lonely (during those 90 days) and getting depressed and lonely (after those 90 days).

If he comes back, I'm praying I have enough strength and courage to tell him he's not coming into our place, and that he can go check himself into treatment somewhere or find some other place to stay. I've told him several times I don't want to see him until we are both healthy. Even with all the insanity going on, I still have feelings for him. This is insane in itself, but I'm not sure I could turn away from the love I've known and had, even as I'm trying my best to turn away from the enabling behaviors I've known and had all these years.

I am now in my late 20's, him in his late 30's. When people are at our age, usually they can reasonably say "you have your whole life ahead of you!" With us that saying seems a luxury. I've been through so many ups and downs I can't even envision tomorrow, not even a week, a year, ten years from now. He's been through so many ups and downs I'm never quite sure if I'll come home to find him unconscious in the bathroom, OD on our bed, or get a phone call about a car accident he got into or about him being in an ER somewhere (all have happened.)

During those 90 days I had some hopes, for sure, but I also realized how much emotional trauma and damage had accumulated and surfaced - from my years with him, from digging into my childhood and life with the therapists with whom I started to meet a couple years into the marriage, from going to the meetings. I've found I have an eating addiction as I eat to cope with my feelings. I should focus on working on my issues and me, not his and him, but this crisis mode, I'm letting it paralyze me... I wish I could get out of my head, I wish I could stop trying to get into his head, I wish I could begin to live the life I'm supposed to live, whatever that looks like.

I named this thread Late night stories because night has been the best and worse time in a day for me. No matter what happens, every night I usually get at least a few hours of sleep during which I do not have to consciously be in this very life.

Last edited by Somber2Sober; 04-21-2015 at 06:03 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:42 PM
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Hugs lady. Lots of hugs
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Old 04-21-2015, 07:08 PM
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Ditto that. You have your hands full. I understand the anxiety and fear at night but be strong. No good can come of this. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain.
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Old 04-21-2015, 07:24 PM
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I am so sorry.

Have you ever gone to an AlAnon/Narcanon meeting?
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Old 04-22-2015, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by danadanes View Post
Hugs lady. Lots of hugs
Thank you so much, danadanes. The other day someone gave me a hug and I just started crying. One of the most wonderful things we can do with our arms must be to embrace one another, especially through the hardest of times. Thank you. Lots of hugs from me to you, too.
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Old 04-22-2015, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by INgal View Post
Ditto that. You have your hands full. I understand the anxiety and fear at night but be strong. No good can come of this. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain.
Thanks INgal.

I hold onto a lot, more than I could carry, but I'm still much afraid to let go...
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Old 04-22-2015, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Latte View Post
I am so sorry.

Have you ever gone to an AlAnon/Narcanon meeting?
Hugs, Latte.

I've been to Al-Anon on and off over the years. (Not many NarAnon meetings in my area; there are many more Al-Anon meetings around here.) I used to go more often then felt a disconnect for a while, and just recently came back. It felt different this time, I feel more willing and open, partly because this new bottom hit me so hard.
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Old 04-22-2015, 03:37 PM
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SombretoSober,

Wow, that is quite a story. Some of it I can relate to.

Take care of you, and remember YOU are still young and YOU can still have a life ahead of you if you would like to.

He can too but that's up to him.

Hugs.
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Old 04-22-2015, 03:39 PM
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Just for today

Another call late last night. This time from a staff person at AH's old sober house. Apparently AH called and asked for help; so the person helped get him into a new detox.

I found out AH had pawned his phone to get just enough money for a crazy day of coke, crack, heroin. Then he asked for help. I wasn't even mad at him; I felt relieved to know the truth, and to know he was back in treatment.

"There's always another bottom," someone told me. AH and I both hit another bottom this time. Once again I'm making my way back up.

Someone has said to me today not to get my hopes up too much, as AH is an adult and can check himself out again any time. It was a good reminder. At the same time, I'm just grateful for the relief in this very moment.

In the course of a few days, I have gone through so many betters and worses, it feels almost like a brief flashback of the last several years: the rollercoaster of situations and emotions. The rides have made me very sick. I want to get off this rollercoaster. I want to feel my feet on the ground, to be at peace. The more I get a taste of peace, the more I want to get away from drama.

Today I reached out to some people in the programs - was able to speak with one on the phone and reach another via text. I'm grateful I could say I missed going the meetings and really felt that longing. (Due to my recent injury I haven't been able to get around very easily, but hope to get back on track soon.) There's a phone meeting in about an hour - I look forward to it!

I first learned of the programs by attending some NA/AA with AH, then heard of Al-Anon, then found OA. AH used to tell me that everyone needed a twelve-step program in his/her life. I believe it is true. It doesn't really matter what we are addicted to: alcohol, drugs, food, sex, money, work, fame, people... Even the non-step programs, really, anything that helps us have an honest conversation with ourselves and with others, that helps us heal. I think the same way about religions; I don't know much about them, but I believe at the core, every religion wants us to be kind to the world inside us and around us.

That starts right here. Am I kind to me today? Have I been kind to those around me today? When the phone rings, do I want to answer - and am I willing not to answer if I don't really want to? Do I act and speak with kindness or resentment? It's wonderful and scary at the same time to realize I have the choice. Scary because I am so rarely aware of the choice, of my ability to choose. Wonderful because so far through the day I have exercised this choice in most interactions with others, and hope to continue - just for today.

Just to get me through this day.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:32 AM
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Where is the line between...

- being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict?
- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?
- allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?
- doing things to improve myself & accepting me the way I am?

....

sometimes I just have all these questions. some other times I just do whatever I do at the time.

praying for some peace of mind, for the mind to be quiet, to not always be in crisis mode...
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:57 PM
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your husband's addiction is WELL beyond your ability to fix...in fact, the few times he has sought some type of help, however shortlived, has been when you two were apart. that can be kind of painful to look at and accept....that perhaps he actually stands a better CHANCE of truly finding recovery (and wanting to stay there!!) on his own.

just as you have just now started to come out of your cocoon, face some realities for your own addictions, and start the journey to healing - you did so with him far far away.

in the years you two spent together, you both steadily got worse. sometimes people are just plain ole TOXIC together...and time and distance are essential for survival.

it's not like he STARTED using the drugs the day you met, he's a long term hard core addict. and if by some miracle he gets into a program, stays there and then makes the deicsion to not use again ever no matter what, it will still take a long time for him to stablize and normalize. not 90 days, not 6 months.

the best, the VERY best thing you can do is to take care of you. and leave him to whichever powers that be you believe in. he has resources, he knows that help IS available, now is the time to let him find his way. you have your own path to follow.....
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:08 PM
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My 2 Cents

Originally Posted by Somber2Sober View Post
Where is the line between...

- being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict?
- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?
- allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?
- doing things to improve myself & accepting me the way I am?

....

sometimes I just have all these questions. some other times I just do whatever I do at the time.

praying for some peace of mind, for the mind to be quiet, to not always be in crisis mode...
Line Drawn:

1. - being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict

You draw the line when you realize that nothing you will do will change the behavior of the addict or make the addict stop using. You have to come to the realization that all your money and time invested in providing for or supporting the addict is just a means to an end for the addict to get another fix. This is something that has to click within you though - you have to understand this deeply. Only then will you step away. Addicts are very resourceful. Step away from providing support as a test and see how quickly you will be replaced with someone who can step in picking up the tasks you leave off. I was replaced in two weeks when I left my AH. He moved in with another woman two weeks after I left him and has been with her ever since.

2.- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?

Is the addict compassionate to you? First think about the question. Addicts have feelings but the feelings they have are directly related to using drugs. Addiction is like a wild fire and soon, without the proper intervention, the wild fire will consume everything in its path. I don't know if you AH can show you compassion when his motives are directly drive by substance abuse, not providing for his wife or being an upstanding husband. You draw the line when you see that nothing you are giving as a wife is being reciprocated. Once again, that will come like a switch too.

3. - allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?

You need to understand that while you are directly in the path of an addict, you will not be able to have peace. You will be sucked into the chaos of the addiction as if it was a tornado. You have to establish very healthy boundaries before you can allow yourself to have interactions with him to maintain peace. For me, I could not have any kind of interaction because I didn't have any boundaries, healthy or otherwise. My boundaries dissolved as his addiction consumed him. It was difficult to suddenly say "no" when I had been saying yes for so long.

4. - doing things to improve myself and accepting me for the way that I am

Only when you have drawn the line for 1-3 can you do 4.
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Old 04-26-2015, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
Take care of you, and remember YOU are still young and YOU can still have a life ahead of you if you would like to.

He can too but that's up to him.

Hugs.
Thank you CarmenLove!

I really need to take to heart that I have a choice.

And take to heart these words "that's up to him." - can't tell you how many times I've said and done things as if it were up to me to make his life better....
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Old 04-26-2015, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
in the years you two spent together, you both steadily got worse. sometimes people are just plain ole TOXIC together...and time and distance are essential for survival.
Dear AnvilheadII, you are absolutely on point.
I literally will not survive if I get back to where things were - with him actively using and me actively enabling.

Thank you so much for your reply. All of it. "This is true, this is true, well I guess I should have seen this, DAMNIT this is true."

Hugs -
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Old 04-26-2015, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Yogagurl View Post
Line Drawn:

1. - being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict

Addicts are very resourceful. Step away from providing support as a test and see how quickly you will be replaced with someone who can step in picking up the tasks you leave off. I was replaced in two weeks when I left my AH. He moved in with another woman two weeks after I left him and has been with her ever since.
My dear YG. This is sadly too true, how resourceful addicts are. Given my AH's flirting with other women including exes and friends (ex-friends at this point), I realize he has back-up options in mind, and that had any of the women said yes, he probably would have made a run for it. And in no time, the-new-woman will be screaming at him and him at her and the misery cycle will continue. It has happened before and it will happen again as long as the addict is still in active addiction.

I've imagined (and tried to push away) that scenario so many times in my head. You are actually living it, and you are actually overcoming it day by day. I keep you in my prayers, YG.

Originally Posted by Yogagurl View Post
2.- being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?

I don't know if you AH can show you compassion when his motives are directly drive by substance abuse
This has really tortured me, especially in the last few months. From time to time the questions get into my head: has he ever really loved me? weren't there at least a few moments of clarity in all these years, did he love me or not love me then? has there ever been any compassion? has he stayed with me because I take care of him and fulfill his needs - companionship, shelter, food, drugs?

I have read and heard that an addict has no love for his partner, only for his drugs of choice. That for me to ask whether he has loved me, I might as well accept "No" as the default answer. As much as I want to accept that, to think that I've lived and gone through all those years with a person who has no capacity for love or compassion because of his addiction, it hurts so damn much...

These are some hard lines YG. But I do believe in "it comes like a switch." Somewhere along the line a switch came on for me. Tiny light, but I start to see now how dark of a place I've been in.

Much love and light YG. Thank you.

Last edited by Somber2Sober; 04-26-2015 at 09:45 AM. Reason: grammar
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Old 04-27-2015, 12:40 AM
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What I'd do

Originally Posted by Somber2Sober View Post
Where is the line between...

- being a kind, supportive person to the addict & enabling the addict?
My esh: Enabling the addict is basically putting up with any behavior from your addict that you would not put up with in yourself or from anyone else. Emotional support toward your addict within those boundaries is kind, supportive behavior.

being compassionate to the addict & being compassionate to me?
As above. You come first. Whatever your addict says or does, you come first.

allowing the addict to share his suffering & keeping the distance for my own peace of mind?
As much as you need your own peace of mind, take it. In as much as we have f2f support (Alanon/Naranon), the addict can avail himself of NA or AA if he chooses to take the steps to channel his suffering toward recovery.

- doing things to improve myself & accepting me the way I am?
Nar-anon/al-anon are helpful. I go f2f and online. I'd recommend getting their readers and step-literature as well--reading them has been really healing when there's not a meeting.

The other thing that's been really healing for me is physical exercise with others. I got into CrossFit and a couple of sports leagues. That really, really helped.
....
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Old 05-04-2015, 02:20 PM
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The phone calls, the unreachable, the unknowns, the selfish thoughtless behaviors - things are always up and down, never quite stable. What's worst is the fear that grips me, that sucks all joy and peace out of me, that makes me shaken to the core. I'm writing this at work because I cannot let anyone here see me cry, despite how much I need a good cry now, just to let this all out.

Sorry to vent, I'm just so exhausted, and disappointed at myself for not being able to just let go and let god...
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