Tomorrow I collect my stuff...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Tomorrow I collect my stuff...
Hi All,
Tomorrow I collect my remaining stuff from my STBXAH. I will be going back to the cottage we had just moved into 1 month before. It was supposed to be our fresh start.
He may or may not be there, says he will tell me later, and if not he will leave me a key.
I feel so nervous / anxious.
I don't know if his (our) dog will be there.
My mum and her partner have brought me up here, and we are having a few days away as we travelled up. I am glad they are here, and I wish I didn't feel so anxious.
I don't want to do this, and I'm feeling upset, but I know I have to and need my stuff.
I left quickly with just a suitcase as I needed to just 'do it' otherwise I don't think I could have.
He just sent me a garbled sort of text saying he doesn't know if he will be there tomorrow when I come or not, which I think probably means it depends on whether he is sober enough or on some sort of binge.
He will leave me a key if he is not there.
I feel so sad.
Sometimes I still cannot believe this is happening.
Tomorrow I collect my remaining stuff from my STBXAH. I will be going back to the cottage we had just moved into 1 month before. It was supposed to be our fresh start.
He may or may not be there, says he will tell me later, and if not he will leave me a key.
I feel so nervous / anxious.
I don't know if his (our) dog will be there.
My mum and her partner have brought me up here, and we are having a few days away as we travelled up. I am glad they are here, and I wish I didn't feel so anxious.
I don't want to do this, and I'm feeling upset, but I know I have to and need my stuff.
I left quickly with just a suitcase as I needed to just 'do it' otherwise I don't think I could have.
He just sent me a garbled sort of text saying he doesn't know if he will be there tomorrow when I come or not, which I think probably means it depends on whether he is sober enough or on some sort of binge.
He will leave me a key if he is not there.
I feel so sad.
Sometimes I still cannot believe this is happening.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Carmen 
I know its a very hard thing to do. I am glad your parents are with you , though. I hope it all goes very smoothly, and that soon after , you will feel relieved and able to make a fresh new start. You deserve to have the kind of life that YOU wish for.
many hugs, and know that we are here to support you, however you may need us.
Chicory
I know its a very hard thing to do. I am glad your parents are with you , though. I hope it all goes very smoothly, and that soon after , you will feel relieved and able to make a fresh new start. You deserve to have the kind of life that YOU wish for.
many hugs, and know that we are here to support you, however you may need us.
Chicory
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Thank you Chicory.
I'm just feeling very emotional and rather tearful right now.
I don't know if I am strong enough to make a life on my own. Well I do, however I feel a bit scared somehow, which I also think is silly.
I'm just feeling very emotional and rather tearful right now.
I don't know if I am strong enough to make a life on my own. Well I do, however I feel a bit scared somehow, which I also think is silly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Carmen, you are not silly! You are feeling like we all feel when we make a big change!
I can imagine how you feel right now, and I send you a big old hug
Cry if you gotta, and feel your emotions, but remember that they are just emotions, and sometimes waffle about. It may not be good to be angry a lot, but its sometimes helpful to remember the wrong done, and be indignantly protective of our selves.... you deserve happiness.
thinking of you today.. you can do this.. and we walk with you.
chicory
I can imagine how you feel right now, and I send you a big old hug
Cry if you gotta, and feel your emotions, but remember that they are just emotions, and sometimes waffle about. It may not be good to be angry a lot, but its sometimes helpful to remember the wrong done, and be indignantly protective of our selves.... you deserve happiness.
thinking of you today.. you can do this.. and we walk with you.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Oh honey. I think the reason we often are so sad and SAY we can't believe it is that, in our heart of hearts, we can believe it, and it tears us apart that it's come to this. What you had hoped would never happen is happening.
Big fat hugs. Stay strong.
Big fat hugs. Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Thank you all.
So I went and got it.
We did talk, about the marriage and all, and he is just sticking to his story, with the addition now that the marriage was in trouble before the addiction. I am not sure that is true, we had some issues, and nothing that could not have been worked out. I thought we were happy. And also that it is me (as in my fault) because I was "always leaving him".
Sometimes I did go away for work events, never for more than a week, and towards the end when he picked up because I knew something was wrong. When things were going well, I was with him most of the time.
Anyway, apart from that he is sticking to his story that he is in recovery, and it is just me, I have caused this because I am not able to have long term relationships. There is some truth to that, as in I have been very open about my relationship history, however a marriage is different, and I would have worked on our issues if it weren't for the addiction and the lying.
And now for the real shocker, OK well probably not for you guys, however it was for me - when I was collecting my stuff from the bedroom I found a female's hair brush in one of the drawers that definitely was not there when I left. With female hair in it.
When I asked him about it, can you believe what he said - he said it must be mine!!!!!!
WTF???!!!
I think I would know if it was my own hair brush.
I read the stories of others AH's being with someone else right away, however somehow I guess I didn't think he would! Sucker.
Do these stories never vary?
Oh I don't know I just feel tired.
I thought he might say something honest, however he didn't.
After I found the hairbrush I let him know that I would be divorcing him. Then he said he loved me, and I said it back.
It was so weird, when I left I didn't even feel that angry. Somehow it didn't shock me.
And then I text him that if he ever seeks real recovery he can try the forums here for addicts.
This is probably really Codependent behaviour, and I am just starting to feel the anger now.
However I don't know.
I will divorce him.
Just can't believe he actually has someone staying at our cottage, in my bedroom already.
I did tell him that I know about the manipulation and the lies, and that is why I am divorcing, however as a person (soul to soul) I still care.
I guess the truth is I am feeling kinda low right now.
The dog looked fine and was really pleased to see me.
So I went and got it.
We did talk, about the marriage and all, and he is just sticking to his story, with the addition now that the marriage was in trouble before the addiction. I am not sure that is true, we had some issues, and nothing that could not have been worked out. I thought we were happy. And also that it is me (as in my fault) because I was "always leaving him".
Sometimes I did go away for work events, never for more than a week, and towards the end when he picked up because I knew something was wrong. When things were going well, I was with him most of the time.
Anyway, apart from that he is sticking to his story that he is in recovery, and it is just me, I have caused this because I am not able to have long term relationships. There is some truth to that, as in I have been very open about my relationship history, however a marriage is different, and I would have worked on our issues if it weren't for the addiction and the lying.
And now for the real shocker, OK well probably not for you guys, however it was for me - when I was collecting my stuff from the bedroom I found a female's hair brush in one of the drawers that definitely was not there when I left. With female hair in it.
When I asked him about it, can you believe what he said - he said it must be mine!!!!!!
WTF???!!!
I think I would know if it was my own hair brush.
I read the stories of others AH's being with someone else right away, however somehow I guess I didn't think he would! Sucker.
Do these stories never vary?
Oh I don't know I just feel tired.
I thought he might say something honest, however he didn't.
After I found the hairbrush I let him know that I would be divorcing him. Then he said he loved me, and I said it back.
It was so weird, when I left I didn't even feel that angry. Somehow it didn't shock me.
And then I text him that if he ever seeks real recovery he can try the forums here for addicts.
This is probably really Codependent behaviour, and I am just starting to feel the anger now.
However I don't know.
I will divorce him.
Just can't believe he actually has someone staying at our cottage, in my bedroom already.
I did tell him that I know about the manipulation and the lies, and that is why I am divorcing, however as a person (soul to soul) I still care.
I guess the truth is I am feeling kinda low right now.
The dog looked fine and was really pleased to see me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: England
Posts: 65
I understand the weird sense of 'calm' when you should really be 'shocked to the core' at the revelation that he has been cheating all along. A similar thing happened to me with a past ex, and I felt at the time like I must have been having an out of body experience coz I just acted so calm about it (which isn't at all like I would have expected me to act!!). But, then- it's not something you get to practice. Maybe it's survival mode and your system just protects you from flying off the handle in extreme circumstances sometimes because a massive reaction would make everything so much worse.
I know it's not easy to 'move on', but you absolutely will one day. Just don't try to analyse everything in the now, just allow all your natural emotions to take place as they just will as time goes on. You need to learn how to get used to being 'you' again. That's the biggest deal. That's a really slow and difficult process. But it is happening, gradually...
I know it's not easy to 'move on', but you absolutely will one day. Just don't try to analyse everything in the now, just allow all your natural emotions to take place as they just will as time goes on. You need to learn how to get used to being 'you' again. That's the biggest deal. That's a really slow and difficult process. But it is happening, gradually...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
So apparently, according to STBXAH that hairbrush I found in my bedroom drawers which is not mine "must have already been there" and "he loves me too much to do that".
I felt like replying to the email with 'QUACK, QUACK' but he wouldn't know what that meant.
I felt like replying to the email with 'QUACK, QUACK' but he wouldn't know what that meant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
Carmen, my exAH has now, literally, disappeared. As in, is listed as a Missing Person & has been MIA for over a week now.
I, too, feel a bizarre & untoward sense of calm, that I think comes from finally having grown a thick enough skin to handle all of the drama & stress. When you've dealt over & over with lies, crazy stories, fighting, arguing, being stolen from, taken advantage of, & all the other things we have, eventually I think you just...get numb to it.
We all have jobs, families besides our addicts, possibly pets & children...and that isn't going to take care of itself or support itself. I guess you just finally get to a point wher eyou don't have the emotional or mental space or energy for your addict anymore, & then, thank god, you are able to block it out...
I, too, feel a bizarre & untoward sense of calm, that I think comes from finally having grown a thick enough skin to handle all of the drama & stress. When you've dealt over & over with lies, crazy stories, fighting, arguing, being stolen from, taken advantage of, & all the other things we have, eventually I think you just...get numb to it.
We all have jobs, families besides our addicts, possibly pets & children...and that isn't going to take care of itself or support itself. I guess you just finally get to a point wher eyou don't have the emotional or mental space or energy for your addict anymore, & then, thank god, you are able to block it out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by mnh1982 
Carmen, my exAH has now, literally, disappeared. As in, is listed as a Missing Person & has been MIA for over a week now.
I, too, feel a bizarre & untoward sense of calm, that I think comes from finally having grown a thick enough skin to handle all of the drama & stress. When you've dealt over & over with lies, crazy stories, fighting, arguing, being stolen from, taken advantage of, & all the other things we have, eventually I think you just...get numb to it.
We all have jobs, families besides our addicts, possibly pets & children...and that isn't going to take care of itself or support itself. I guess you just finally get to a point wher eyou don't have the emotional or mental space or energy for your addict anymore, & then, thank god, you are able to block it out...
I, too, feel a bizarre & untoward sense of calm, that I think comes from finally having grown a thick enough skin to handle all of the drama & stress. When you've dealt over & over with lies, crazy stories, fighting, arguing, being stolen from, taken advantage of, & all the other things we have, eventually I think you just...get numb to it.
We all have jobs, families besides our addicts, possibly pets & children...and that isn't going to take care of itself or support itself. I guess you just finally get to a point wher eyou don't have the emotional or mental space or energy for your addict anymore, & then, thank god, you are able to block it out...
Yes I read that on your thread!
I am so sorry my dear. How stressful.
Glad you are growing a thick skin though. Me too!
Lots of Love to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Thank you
Originally Posted by ardy
Carmen prayers dear young friend of Faith.. prayers.. funny the calm happens when your soul knows you have made the right path to take.. hope all today and the tomorrows to come are better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Images keep popping in my head of him with his new woman sleeping in our bed in our cottage that we chose, with our dog, while I sleep in my Mum's tiny spare room.
I loved that cottage. I loved that dog.
I loved my husband I I do not love what is happening here.
I know this is a common story and it still feels hard for me to accept.
I know I left but how could he do this? It's been just a month and we are still married for F's sake! He is telling me he wants me back, wants our marriage etc... is in recovery, and then has obviously moved someone else in right away - WTF???
I don't get it.
I know not to try to make sense of this BUT IT REALLY SUCKS!!!!!
I loved that cottage. I loved that dog.
I loved my husband I I do not love what is happening here.
I know this is a common story and it still feels hard for me to accept.
I know I left but how could he do this? It's been just a month and we are still married for F's sake! He is telling me he wants me back, wants our marriage etc... is in recovery, and then has obviously moved someone else in right away - WTF???
I don't get it.
I know not to try to make sense of this BUT IT REALLY SUCKS!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
My ex did the same thing with me...I, too was the one who asked him to leave our home and I think at the time I had hopes that we would both work on recovery and see what happened. Well, he moved on to someone he met in AA so fast my head spun...lol. Granted, he kept begging me to take him back and he'd end it. Gak! I was in counseling at the time and my therapist said, "Well of course he did, he's unable to care for himself." And by that I think she meant emotionally. I don't know, I think it's a need to fill a void, fear of being alone, still looking outside themselves for some 'normalcy', a lot of things. I know it sucks, but I promise you as time goes by and you heal and take care of yourself, you will see things in a different light. And for the record, my ex's new relationship lasted maybe 2 months and, unfortunately, he still has not sought true sobriety.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
