Friendship With a Recovering Addict
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Friendship With a Recovering Addict
I am friends with a recovering addict. He has been in recovery for about 5 months now, from heroin. He is going to a methadone clinic and doing very well.
I found the clinic online and told him about it -- it is very near his home and he likes the people on staff there.
I am so happy for him. He is doing very well, working, and staying clean. He doesn't feel good, the methadone makes him able to get through the days and nights, and function, but it's not the same as using was.
I am happy for him but I miss him. Since he isn't using now, he doesn't talk to me as much as he used to, on the phone. He needed me then, as someone to talk to, and apparently he doesn't need to talk as often now. And he hasn't come to see me in a couple of months. He works full-time, and on the weekends he is so worn out all he wants to do is chill; he commutes to work 5 days a week and the last thing he wants to do on weekends is commute some more. We don't live near each other.
I miss him. We still talk sometimes, but not nearly every day as we used to, and I haven't seen him in two months now.
I don't even know why I am writing this, because I am so happy he is clean, and sticking with his program, and working. I shouldn't be selfish and I'm trying not to be. But although my other friends know I miss him, they have no idea at all that he is an addict, not even now that he is doing well in recovery. And they never will know, unless he chooses to tell them himself.
I have read on here that what he needs to be doing now is taking care of himself, getting the rest he needs, and benefiting from the peace of mind of being clean and finally succeeding at what he has been trying for over a year to do -- quit and stay clean. He has tried so hard, and I know he must come first on his list of priorities. I don't invite him to come and see me because I don't want to add pressure to his life. I just miss getting to be with him sometimes.
I found the clinic online and told him about it -- it is very near his home and he likes the people on staff there.
I am so happy for him. He is doing very well, working, and staying clean. He doesn't feel good, the methadone makes him able to get through the days and nights, and function, but it's not the same as using was.
I am happy for him but I miss him. Since he isn't using now, he doesn't talk to me as much as he used to, on the phone. He needed me then, as someone to talk to, and apparently he doesn't need to talk as often now. And he hasn't come to see me in a couple of months. He works full-time, and on the weekends he is so worn out all he wants to do is chill; he commutes to work 5 days a week and the last thing he wants to do on weekends is commute some more. We don't live near each other.
I miss him. We still talk sometimes, but not nearly every day as we used to, and I haven't seen him in two months now.
I don't even know why I am writing this, because I am so happy he is clean, and sticking with his program, and working. I shouldn't be selfish and I'm trying not to be. But although my other friends know I miss him, they have no idea at all that he is an addict, not even now that he is doing well in recovery. And they never will know, unless he chooses to tell them himself.
I have read on here that what he needs to be doing now is taking care of himself, getting the rest he needs, and benefiting from the peace of mind of being clean and finally succeeding at what he has been trying for over a year to do -- quit and stay clean. He has tried so hard, and I know he must come first on his list of priorities. I don't invite him to come and see me because I don't want to add pressure to his life. I just miss getting to be with him sometimes.
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Join Date: Apr 2015
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Hi Firesong. I am having the same issue except my friend in not in recovery. He has cut me off...cold turkey...after a long friendship. I understand your desire to talk to your friend. However, I don't know what the right answer is. Just know that someone feels your pain! Best of luck in whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Firesong-
Perhaps you have deeper feelings than just friendship?With our friends, we don't have to talk everyday, and if one or the other cannot, we don't feel let down. Not unless we are maybe too dependent upon them to rescue us from boredom or depression, or some thing lacking in our lives.
It sounds like he is doing all the right things now, and working hard to do it.
Imho, him calling you everyday, while on heroin does not sound like a totally healthy friendship, but perhaps like something else altogether. Perhaps give it time and if its friendship, it will survive, I would guess. But as a friend, we should support and let the person have the space to get well, if they need it.
Perhaps if you spend some time reading about addiction, it might help you to understand, and to take care of yourself too.
I don't think I was very helpful, but I wish you peace in this matter.
chicory
Perhaps you have deeper feelings than just friendship?With our friends, we don't have to talk everyday, and if one or the other cannot, we don't feel let down. Not unless we are maybe too dependent upon them to rescue us from boredom or depression, or some thing lacking in our lives.
It sounds like he is doing all the right things now, and working hard to do it.
Imho, him calling you everyday, while on heroin does not sound like a totally healthy friendship, but perhaps like something else altogether. Perhaps give it time and if its friendship, it will survive, I would guess. But as a friend, we should support and let the person have the space to get well, if they need it.
Perhaps if you spend some time reading about addiction, it might help you to understand, and to take care of yourself too.
I don't think I was very helpful, but I wish you peace in this matter.
chicory
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 43
You like him more than a friend. Be careful, don't trick yourself into codependency. He might have a girlfriend or just never wanted you to be his girlfriend. I ve gone through this pain and advise you not to waste your time and clinch to a false hope on someone in recovery unless they worked hard to earn your trust.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by chicory 
Firesong-
Perhaps you have deeper feelings than just friendship?With our friends, we don't have to talk everyday, and if one or the other cannot, we don't feel let down. Not unless we are maybe too dependent upon them to rescue us from boredom or depression, or some thing lacking in our lives.
It sounds like he is doing all the right things now, and working hard to do it.
Imho, him calling you everyday, while on heroin does not sound like a totally healthy friendship, but perhaps like something else altogether. Perhaps give it time and if its friendship, it will survive, I would guess. But as a friend, we should support and let the person have the space to get well, if they need it.
Perhaps if you spend some time reading about addiction, it might help you to understand, and to take care of yourself too.
I don't think I was very helpful, but I wish you peace in this matter.
chicory
Perhaps you have deeper feelings than just friendship?With our friends, we don't have to talk everyday, and if one or the other cannot, we don't feel let down. Not unless we are maybe too dependent upon them to rescue us from boredom or depression, or some thing lacking in our lives.
It sounds like he is doing all the right things now, and working hard to do it.
Imho, him calling you everyday, while on heroin does not sound like a totally healthy friendship, but perhaps like something else altogether. Perhaps give it time and if its friendship, it will survive, I would guess. But as a friend, we should support and let the person have the space to get well, if they need it.
Perhaps if you spend some time reading about addiction, it might help you to understand, and to take care of yourself too.
I don't think I was very helpful, but I wish you peace in this matter.
chicory
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
this is definitely more than friendship on YOUR part....however perhaps not so much for HIM. ever heard of drunk dialing? when folks get fairly soused, alone, and then start calling folks to talk and not feel so lonely. it sounds like this was a case of DRUG dialing.....while high or bored, he'd call you to "chat" - it's entirely possible he had other "dialing" friends as well.
now he's changed.....he's not under the influence, impaired....he's back to life....working, and working on staying clean. you no longer fill a role for him....in fact he may never have seen this "friendship" as anything with strings attached. right now he's trying to get things turned around - putting heroin addiction in the rear view mirror is a MONUMENTAL LIFE TASK. and he needs every ounce of strength and focus to be successful.
we often have dreams of what THEIR recovery will look like in OUR lives....all clear skies and smooth sailing and happily ever after. and of course since we were there in the dark days, they OWE us now. just doesn't go that way..........
now he's changed.....he's not under the influence, impaired....he's back to life....working, and working on staying clean. you no longer fill a role for him....in fact he may never have seen this "friendship" as anything with strings attached. right now he's trying to get things turned around - putting heroin addiction in the rear view mirror is a MONUMENTAL LIFE TASK. and he needs every ounce of strength and focus to be successful.
we often have dreams of what THEIR recovery will look like in OUR lives....all clear skies and smooth sailing and happily ever after. and of course since we were there in the dark days, they OWE us now. just doesn't go that way..........
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
we often have dreams of what THEIR recovery will look like in OUR lives....all clear skies and smooth sailing and happily ever after. and of course since we were there in the dark days, they OWE us now. just doesn't go that way..........
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
AnvilheadII, thanks, yeah, I had been thinking along the lines of what you said in your first two paragraphs. You confirmed what I had been thinking.
The third paragraph, not so much. I don't tend to have pipe dreams about things that might happen in the future. I certainly don't feel like he owes me anything. That isn't what friendship is about.
The third paragraph, not so much. I don't tend to have pipe dreams about things that might happen in the future. I certainly don't feel like he owes me anything. That isn't what friendship is about.
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