Help me break up with my 50-year-old meth addict.

Old 04-10-2015, 04:01 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Help me break up with my 50-year-old meth addict.

Help me break up with my 50-year-old meth addict.

He lived with me until last month. The catalyst was the meth I found on the dining room table.

Mom took him in. She has kept up her boy's HS bedroom since 1983. She was ready, and I was not.

I had a huge resentment toward her and the family she drives, as well as those in the fellowship who say their relationship matters more because they gave birth vs. chose the relationship.

For my resentments, I chose to 9th Step my addict's foo on Easter Sunday. His Mom hugged me so hard. My addict came over a couple days later, and then announced at 3 a.m. that he wanted to be home with Mom.

Mom cried at my 9th Step on Easter Sunday. \ She is supposedly invested in our recovery. She is well off. She supposedly likes me.

However, she won't help with couples therapy. She welcomed him back to a bedroom she has kept for 35 years just in case, and then he pressured me to go over there so Mom could have peace with her holiday.

He has made it clear he would break off if I approached her. To be honest, I do not like her enough to maintain an individual friendship.

He is there now. I need some esh on how to deal with this. Is there any hope? ESH?

In advance, thank you so much.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 04:46 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mu- this time away from him work on your program. Do u have any alanon meetings to attend? His mother will enable him the rest of his life, and will probably allow him to end up killing himself. You don't want any part of that. Break away. Read as much as you can about addiction.

He will never get better if everyone takes care of him. Go no contact with him. They say it's not that easy to get an addict out of your life so I am sure he will reappear. Work on supporting you and not enabling him. Hugs my friend, I am sorry that the man you love has a horrible disease!!! Stay strong and let him be.
maia1234 is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 06:03 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
totfit
 
totfit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
If it is breaking up that you want to do, just leave him with his mother and be done with it. He is not in your house. This should make things easier. Don't let the "steps" get in the way. I know that it is not quite as easy as I speak, but we often way over analyze things and make mountains out of molehills by over-analysis. Really, if it is breaking up you want to do, then, he's already gone, so it is 90% done.
totfit is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 07:39 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MU2015...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post what's been happening with you lately. You've come to a really, really good place. Other members will be by to greet you and to offer you support, but I'd like to throw in my two cents, too.

There is no easy way to break up with someone that we care about. However you choose to do this will be difficult for you. If you're convinced that you can no longer be with him, then simply follow through and be done with him. Most importantly, when the inevitable "I've changed, please take me back" texts, emails, or phone calls come, ignore them.

This is a time for healing and for getting yourself back on the path to sanity and wellness. Don't allow him to derail that process for you.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 10:57 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Thank you!

I have two f2f Alanon meetings as well as online fellowships.
They are good, but finding a sponsor has been hard. I went ahead with the Naranon 36 (12 steps) by myself and am doing Step Six.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-10-2015, 03:53 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Right now he should not be telling you what to do and neither should his mother.

The best way to make a clean break is to just make the break and don't get drawn into the drama anyone else wants to create.

I am glad you have your own meetings, it will help you find your balance again and become healthy enough to move forward.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 04-11-2015, 11:50 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Ann,
Thanks for picking it up regarding his mother.
She texts and calls when she knows he is with me. The latest being just now. It is 11 p.m. here.
I suggested to him that he ask his mother not to text or call when we are together as it hurts my feelings.
We are all powerless against each other's actions. But we as individuals can choose what to do. If you are a parent of a child who is 30 years past adulthood, what possesses you to text and call when he is with people who don't use? Is it the same reason you believe that he got kicked out because the meth I found was a "really old" misunderstanding?
I watch "Intervention" episodes daily, fantasizing that She might see that as a last-ditch effort to save your kid, or that She would pay for a good inpatient with your ample resources. Or his half of couples therapy. That she might see my Ninth Step as maybe an invitation to do more. She won't, and I am powerless to make Her do otherwise.
Part of my Step Six is to get myself OK with the character defect of despising Her and mothers like Her. It will take a miracle of a Step Seven to be OK with removing these defects.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 02:11 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 412
Hi MissUs,

It sounds like maybe you are not ready to break up with him?

Just curious.
CarmenLove is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 04:59 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
 
mooselips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
[QUOTE=MissUs2015;5310512]Help me break up with my 50-year-old meth addict.

He lived with me until last month. The catalyst was the meth I found on the dining room table.

Your answer is right here, in what you posted.
Meth on the table.
Moved back with his mom...
You're free............

Run with it.

Focus on you.
You deserve so much more than all this drama.
Try not to let your heart rule your head.

Hugs....
mooselips is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 10:56 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
He works with me. His parents are longtime volunteers.
I can't get out of my work for now. Am open to suggestions for how to de-enmesh without attracting HR.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-12-2015, 10:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by CarmenLove View Post
Hi MissUs,

It sounds like maybe you are not ready to break up with him?

Just curious.
It kills me to stay away. To ignore his calls. I haven't been able to, yet.
I haven't focused properly on what I want. I am just too sad.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-17-2015, 02:19 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,247
I've seen middle aged addicts basically kill if not destroy their and significant other's lives. Have a friend who lost a sibling to illness more than likely was caused or amplified by their addict room mate taking rent money for their habit and forcing their 4th move in little over a decade. The proceeds from two houses and a businesses were dumped/used for their several trips to private rehab which was in addition to public or their own cash/health care plan trips. The last move which caused a great deal of hardship to the sibling fell to an illness in less than 2 years in which even the doctor could not believe how fast it progressed. Even at the funeral during a conversation some one mentioned some of their health/aches & pains and the addict offered one of their percosets.

Point being old habits are hard enough to break, an addictive habit or behavior is even harder. Especially to a selfish addict. If they had or given numerous chances to clean up/change I'd say you owe them nothing. Many addicts should be grateful for the first chance at redemption let alone multiple chances.

Good Luck
thequest is offline  
Old 04-24-2015, 12:29 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Thank you. We're going to counseling tomorrow. My goal is to transition toward being work/life friends (since we have to see each other) or save the relationship. The latter would entail some uncomfortable recovery involving not just him but his family. I don't know that this would happen.
Immediate term, I don't care to see his mom but she keeps asking through him if I will be present for her glut of social occasions (birthdays, anniversaries,m/d day) she orchestrates from now through mid-June. I don't see participating in any of that right now-- but I don't want that (or that I don't like her) to be the focus of discussion. I just want a short and sweet line. Any esh welcome.

Last edited by MissUs2015; 04-24-2015 at 12:35 AM. Reason: typo
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 04-25-2015, 08:15 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,247
Originally Posted by MissUs2015 View Post
Thank you. We're going to counseling tomorrow. My goal is to transition toward being work/life friends (since we have to see each other) or save the relationship. The latter would entail some uncomfortable recovery involving not just him but his family. I don't know that this would happen.
Immediate term, I don't care to see his mom but she keeps asking through him if I will be present for her glut of social occasions (birthdays, anniversaries,m/d day) she orchestrates from now through mid-June. I don't see participating in any of that right now-- but I don't want that (or that I don't like her) to be the focus of discussion. I just want a short and sweet line. Any esh welcome.
Sometimes I think addicts use social occasions to put on a front to the friends & family that don't know or realize how bad their habits are. And recruit allies in case things get even worse for them. That's what's going on here. The addict who drinks everyone under the table at these occasions well talks crap including trying to make everyone else look bad. He's done such a good job that the host really just thinks he's just having a good time and doesn't cut them or anyone else off.

I wouldn't let yourself be used as a tool for the addict. Work is sticky and unfortunately this is why many places have dating co worker prohibitions. But outside of work I wouldn't be so quick to tip toe around people & issues.

Good Luck
thequest is offline  
Old 04-27-2015, 02:56 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by thequest View Post

I wouldn't let yourself be used as a tool for the addict. Work is sticky and unfortunately this is why many places have dating co worker prohibitions. But outside of work I wouldn't be so quick to tip toe around people & issues.
Thank you for this. I refuse to treat my addict's mom better than my own mom.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 01-31-2016, 01:26 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
I had a double masectomy. He tried to take care of me. he couldn't. He cursed at me and head butted me when I was still sleeping in a recliner. He was using consistently. I threw him out.

We still work together. He's the strong one at work. Im weak physically and drained psychologically. I feel like the loser.
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 01-31-2016, 02:02 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MissUs...

Welcome back. Have you considered filing a RO against him?
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-31-2016, 03:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are NOT a loser, you are a survivor!!!!! i hope you continue to recover and regain your full strength. and i hope he is OUT of your life permanently soon.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 01-31-2016, 03:37 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 104
I did consider it, but he is leaving me alone and moving on smoothly.
I'm just trying to clean up his wreckage and hating myself on a lot of levels
MissUs2015 is offline  
Old 01-31-2016, 03:46 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by MissUs2015 View Post
I did consider it, but he is leaving me alone and moving on smoothly.
I'm just trying to clean up his wreckage and hating myself on a lot of levels
MissUs...he may currently be leaving you alone, but if past behavior is indicative of future behavior, he will likely try to harm you again. You have every right to protect yourself within the context of the law.

Do you have friends that are able to support you?
zoso77 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:46 AM.