Help me break up with my 50-year-old meth addict.

Old 01-31-2016, 05:09 PM
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The addict and I work for the same employer, different departments. We've agreed that we won't say disparaging things about each other at work and can show work that we can work together.
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Old 01-31-2016, 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted by MissUs2015 View Post
The addict and I work for the same employer, different departments. We've agreed that we won't say disparaging things about each other at work and can show work that we can work together.
OK.

Just be aware that what he agrees to and what he actually does may be two totally different things. Be safe.
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Old 01-31-2016, 06:07 PM
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The abuse has only happened at my home. I re-keyed it. He has had to go by there to retrieve his property, which he has been peaceful doing. He isn't going to be violent at work.
I have a few friends outside this relationship. Not many. They support me but have heavier obligations toward their spouses, kids, kids to be etc.
I am just alone.
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Old 01-31-2016, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
OK.

Just be aware that what he agrees to and what he actually does may be two totally different things. Be safe.
What he agrees to and what he's actually done have often been two totally different things. I can see him saying passive aggressive stuff like that I haven't seemed to do a lot lately; that, I don't know what to do with exactly.
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Old 02-05-2016, 02:00 AM
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He seems functional. Nice, if distant. The veneer I fell in love with, that I insisted come closer. Once. Not anymore.

I denied. I denied even as he worked dramatic shift changes that would slay a 20-year-old. His 30 minute bathroom visits. His twitchy semblance of sleep. I denied when I saw him wait for Dad's car to leave so he could get money from Mom even as he got raises at work. Even as I myself loaned him money so he wouldn't have to lower himself to Mom. But he went anyway.

I seethed at her unwelcome intrusiveness into every facet of our lives save one. His addiction. I used to think I could reach out to her and persuade her to be part of an intervention. I'm no longer in denial about this either. She's persuaded herself to believe him in that his smoking meth is "under control" and that the meth isn't the problem I was supposed to be the serious girlfriend, and that was the one time her nose just whisked out of that tent. She is invested in believing that he can't survive without her. That's her first priority, as opposed to his life.

I'm not in denial that I have a codependency problem complicated by immense resentment toward the mom.. Which brings me to my point. My groups are populated primarily by moms worried about their adult children, primarily sons. The undercurrent is that if you're not blood, you don't understand. I do understand that. I do get that it might be "more" if you're related, especially that way.

But I was not nothing. But I was something. I have an issue. I need to find a group populated primarily by those wounded in peer relationships.

I was thinking CODA. Does anyone have info on them?
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:46 PM
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My ex ALO needs to take more stuff Monday. He feels like I'm storage and low priority, so I'm on radio silence. I meanwhile have found more meth that I've handled with gloves and baggied separately. I just want his stuff off my property so I can deal with the thousands of dollars he did to my property. If I get him to pick up at all, good chance he'd be verbally abusive and kick in my drywall so he "wouldn't have to kick in your head." In that case, I'd take off Tuesday and get a restraining order that would, in essence, fire him since we work together.
His SIL thought that would be overkill that would destroy him, similar to how a heroin addict would get killed if they choked on their own vomit and you let them. She's in his family and said they'd be devastated.
I said I'd enlist others to get the property to him. That I wouldn't cause his job loss, no.
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Old 02-07-2016, 11:55 PM
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How do they get away with the chameleon veneers that convince others that they are hard workers, good family people, good boyfriend material? The veneers that depend on meth to maintain them, the facades that tweakers use to insist they're ok and are not hurting anyone. They don't care if they hurt lots of people. Most can't have the huevos to admit it, unless it's as a fake crying session intended to suck more of someone else's humanity to buy meth.
Can they love? Care? Or is it just a veneer
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Old 02-08-2016, 04:32 AM
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Sounds like you are in a great deal of pain.
Take your focus off the addict-- and it's wise you are getting his stuff taken out
of your house and to him ASAP.

Some therapy for you would helpful right now to process what' going on
even for short term.
I suggest with a therapist who actually is trained in addiction and its consequences.

He may be keeping up the facade for the moment, with his Mommy's help to
pay bills, feed him, do his laundry, etc. but it will all come tumbling down
at some point.

Meth is a very harsh mistress they say, and always demands more.
He's borrowing against the future heavily by continuing to use.
Distance yourself as much as possible.

I don't think all addicts can be lumped into one "they" package and generalized about MissUs.
It does seem that addiction causes people to act in ways they never would sober,
but who can say what your ex's underlying character was before use?
It sounds like he had a problem with abuse and anger which may be entirely
separate from the drug use, but made far worse by it.

Don't worry about that now that he's out--take care of you now and let him deal with his own mess.
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Old 02-08-2016, 11:31 AM
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Meth eliminates the good and multiplies the bad in any human set
of character traits. It is just plain old fashioned HORRIBLE.
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Old 02-08-2016, 09:24 PM
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going forward. I have few friends. I have no interests reallY or anything I see as fun. I don't wish I were dead but don't care I'm alive either. every place is a trigger. I can't move. I am so pathetic that I got addicted to a meth addict. I'm seeing a shrink and going to group but haven't established much connection.
Yep. Hurting lot
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Old 02-09-2016, 04:51 AM
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You will heal and you can find things to be interested in when you're ready.
People love and trust others--that isn't pathetic at all.
First person who deserves love from you, however, is you.

I know it's hard, and your self-esteem takes a bad hit in this kind of situation,
but think of some little steps you can take to get your life back.
I really found things like yoga, massage, meditation, gym membership
excellent self-care steps that made me feel better mentally and physically
over time.

How about trying something this week for you?
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Old 02-09-2016, 11:41 PM
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I've been exercising. But the tears come back.
My ex-ALO appears to everyone else, including me, as the strong one. It's up to me to be the strong one as well. No one can do it but me, etc.
But I have no appetite. My sleep is becoming fragile. I've lost weight I need for another upcoming surgery. The things I do to change this --get out to a class, etc-- feel like working without pay. There's no joy in my world.
So I fake it with smiles at work. But I guess that's not good enough. My addict says he's heard things when I press him. He wouldn't make up something I can easily check. Bottom line: I am a wreck and he's dealing with life just fine. In some ways I wish I were him.
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Old 02-10-2016, 04:52 AM
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Believe me, you don't want to be an addict.
The pain will lessen over time and play won't always feel like work.
Quit talking to your addict about gossip.
In fact, minimize all contact unless you have to speak on work-related issues.
That isn't helping--it's like ripping off the scab every time you do this.
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Old 02-10-2016, 10:54 PM
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Of course. The addict said something to my boss. My boss does not know my ex-bf is a meth addict (he hides it well) and I don't feel like telling my boss as long as we can co-exist.
I handled the situation in 15 minutes. It was very empowering.
My own personal issue is that I feel stupid that I got got by a 52-year-old meth addict. I really thought that stuff was done by your 30th birthday. Until the addict.
The stuff he would say against others, against others of other races for example. I'm disgusted w/myself for having stayed with him b/c I was needing stability. I am not on meth. I dislike pot even. I wonder what my weakness is.
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Old 02-14-2016, 04:36 PM
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I'm suffering mass withdrawal from my ALO. I have spent the past 60 hours completely alone eating canned food that I don't bother to heat up. I just canceled on dinner with my family. I'm nonfunctional.
During this time, I came to realize that my addict got up before me, smoked meth on a daily basis to put on a happy face at work, probably had another bump at lunch, then came home just in time to toke up.
He would twitch violently in sleep, go off on random rages, start multiple unfinished home Improvement projects. He even had that bleeding out the butt syndrome that longtime meth users reportedly get.
I let him stay with me over three years.
Not feeling better about myself 34 days after letting him go.
What the hell was and is wrong with me?
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Old 02-15-2016, 07:11 AM
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three years of living with a meth head is absolute insanity, no two ways about it. the sudden cessation of that insanity is akin to any type of drug withdrawal......also living with a meth user, who uses IN the home, means you likely had SOME level of second hand contamination.....and possible small amounts of contact high.....thru things that may have had meth on them, thru his sweat, sexual contact. the jury is still out on the effects of second hand contact.

you simply MUST engage in self care. take a shower, HEAT UP some food, start a journal, get outside and take a walk, strongly consider some counseling.
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Old 02-15-2016, 08:33 AM
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What the hell was and is wrong with me?
You're grieving. But you're also allowing yourself to held hostage by your grief.

Look...I understand all too well what you're feeling and what you're going through. But locking yourself away from life isn't going to make things any better. In fact, it'll make things worse...
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Old 02-15-2016, 11:10 AM
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I also lived with someone addicted to meth and it was definitely insanity. The addict becomes so sick that by extension, those that live with them become sick too. I finally had to separate from this person and go no contact with him. The distance from him and the situation made me realize how bad things were and how toxic the situation was.

I remember being so ANGRY at the destruction meth had brought into my life. I was angry, depressed, anxious, sad etc. Meth had taken a wonderful, compassionate person and replaced him with someone who only cared about getting high on meth. If I hadn't seen with my own eyes how dramatic the change was with this person, I wouldn't have believed it.

I had so many good things going on in my life (health, good job, home, supportive family and friends, etc) but I wasn't enjoying any of it. I got to the point where I was so angry at all the damage that was caused by meth that I decided I was not going to let meth take anything else from me. In fact, I was going to be damned if I let it rob me of another moment of peace or happiness.
I had to make a conscious effort to truly LIVE again, not just survive (which is what I had been doing before).

As tempting as it is to isolate yourself during this time, don't do it. It's ok to have some time on your own, to process things and move forward, but don't allow the sadness and grief to consume your life. Go out for a walk, have lunch with friends, do something positive for YOU. It's going to take some effort, but I think you'll feel better afterwards, you'll start to feel human again. Lean on your friends and family for support and keep posting here on SR. Believe me, you WILL get through this. One step at a time, but you will get through this
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Old 02-15-2016, 11:16 AM
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You mentioned in a previous post that the addict in your life is dealing with life just fine. People who use drugs are NOT dealing with life, they are running away from it because they CAN'T deal with life. Addicts are also very good liars, so I wouldn't put much faith in anything your ex says. It all seems to be a facade, and eventually those start to crumble. The farther away you are from him, the better off you will be.
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Old 02-17-2016, 12:06 AM
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A loved one recommends I check out MeetUps and spin classes, but avoid Al/Naranon groups since those groups would only remind me of my ex and his addiction.
I'm in withdrawal from addiction to my addict. I went to two f2f groups and found them really valuable.
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