My 20 year old Son
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Originally Posted by AWorriedFather 
My Son called me today and explained that he "coined out" today, and he was claimed to be one of the brightest to come through, and is the only in the group that didn't do heroin, and wants to live in the half way house only for two weeks, and wants two days off before he signs up for it.
He wants to "get something," too. Two weeks at a halfway house is like 2 days in a treatment center. He needs to be there for several months.
Please do heed the advice of others here to take care of yourself, too. And stay firm in your boundaries!!! Don't cave!
Hang in there, AWF. You are being a great parent and a good man.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 109
if you refinanced your home to pay for his education, i think he'd better spend a GOOD amount of time in sober living, working a real job, and demonstrating genuine recovery before you invest another dime. Otherwise, i fear you are going to be extremely disappointed and bitter. Next semester is too soon. How about next year? Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
The arrogance of his words is also indicative of his ego at this age. My 20 year old is a brilliant achiever and his ego is giant. He isn't an addict, but he sure is arrogant and selfish. I think it is wise to not "negotiate". Let him know his choices are HIS, but your offers of support are set at your level, not his. I hope you have a wonderful day with your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Today was an incredible day.
1) First, we learned why addiction is defined as a disease. It's the brain. In layman's terms (my terms): Drugs and alcohol start attacking the fight or flight response part of the brain, and from there, through continued repetitive use over time, drugs start changing the addict's cognitive thinking. Take away the drugs and a recovering addict still needs to repair his/her cognitive thinking and this is a reason why an addict has difficulty saying "no" after recovery. Emotional growth is stunted during drug use and painful emotions are shelved. During recovery, shelved emotions reappear and are often overwhelming which makes saying "no" even more difficult as reusing re-shelves the emotional pain. This is why recovering addicts need continued support after detox, sometimes for years, to re-establish a correct cognitive thinking. Furthermore, a pre-existing conditions such as a chemical imbalance, chemical release problem, an emotionally challenging environment or traumatic event not processed correctly, anxiety, can allow drugs to more rapidly enter and dominate the cognitive thinking part of the brain. During relapse, like muscle memory, the cognitive part of the brain returns rapidly to it's pre-recovery drugged state. Do I have this correct enough?
For me, understanding the above process gives my Son's actions meaning and thus relieves my own cognitive dissonance. I know deep down that my son still loves me and doesn't want to use drugs. This gives me hope. I also understand that I cannot let him ruin our family, so this justifies how I need to be treating him in the near future, making him accountable for his actions, responsible, basically helping to reestablish and re-tune his thinking rather than enable hiim like I have been. I need to give him tough love for his own good.
2) Next we were introduced to al-anon members and how important it is to help ourselves first before we can help our addict. Saying no to addicts and having boundaries is part of saving ourselves, accepting ultimately that the user must make the choice to stop. Some may never stop. I will be attending a local meeting tonight.
3) We read our impact letters. I sobbed uncontrollably through my letter. My Son sobbed too, which was a good sign, they said. Some addicts were emotionless, or even used anger to hide their emotions.
4) We talked about boundaries and the need for having them, both ways.
5) My son agrees to check in direct to a 1/2 way house, and if he suggests again otherwise, I am now better equipped via the items above to help him agree to checking in is the right thing to do. In my impact letter I told him that I fear him and so I must protect myself, Mom, and his little brother. He is not welcome in our home until he proves to me by actions that he has stopped digging (I copied digging from a great phrase given her, There is no rock bottom. You hit bottom when you stop digging.)
Thanks everyone for your support.
1) First, we learned why addiction is defined as a disease. It's the brain. In layman's terms (my terms): Drugs and alcohol start attacking the fight or flight response part of the brain, and from there, through continued repetitive use over time, drugs start changing the addict's cognitive thinking. Take away the drugs and a recovering addict still needs to repair his/her cognitive thinking and this is a reason why an addict has difficulty saying "no" after recovery. Emotional growth is stunted during drug use and painful emotions are shelved. During recovery, shelved emotions reappear and are often overwhelming which makes saying "no" even more difficult as reusing re-shelves the emotional pain. This is why recovering addicts need continued support after detox, sometimes for years, to re-establish a correct cognitive thinking. Furthermore, a pre-existing conditions such as a chemical imbalance, chemical release problem, an emotionally challenging environment or traumatic event not processed correctly, anxiety, can allow drugs to more rapidly enter and dominate the cognitive thinking part of the brain. During relapse, like muscle memory, the cognitive part of the brain returns rapidly to it's pre-recovery drugged state. Do I have this correct enough?
For me, understanding the above process gives my Son's actions meaning and thus relieves my own cognitive dissonance. I know deep down that my son still loves me and doesn't want to use drugs. This gives me hope. I also understand that I cannot let him ruin our family, so this justifies how I need to be treating him in the near future, making him accountable for his actions, responsible, basically helping to reestablish and re-tune his thinking rather than enable hiim like I have been. I need to give him tough love for his own good.
2) Next we were introduced to al-anon members and how important it is to help ourselves first before we can help our addict. Saying no to addicts and having boundaries is part of saving ourselves, accepting ultimately that the user must make the choice to stop. Some may never stop. I will be attending a local meeting tonight.
3) We read our impact letters. I sobbed uncontrollably through my letter. My Son sobbed too, which was a good sign, they said. Some addicts were emotionless, or even used anger to hide their emotions.
4) We talked about boundaries and the need for having them, both ways.
5) My son agrees to check in direct to a 1/2 way house, and if he suggests again otherwise, I am now better equipped via the items above to help him agree to checking in is the right thing to do. In my impact letter I told him that I fear him and so I must protect myself, Mom, and his little brother. He is not welcome in our home until he proves to me by actions that he has stopped digging (I copied digging from a great phrase given her, There is no rock bottom. You hit bottom when you stop digging.)
Thanks everyone for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 277
Stay strong. Meetings do help It allowed me to know I was not alone. Your in my thoughts and prayers. I found that educating myself about this disease helped me to understand a little better what was happening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
The following was my impact letter for anyone is needing ideas.
How I am most affected by your addiction is my inability to trust you. I talked about the importance of being trustworthy during Grandpa’s eulogy. Esse quam videri, the Latin phrase meaning “To be, rather than to seem to be,” is a foundation block for successful living. Grampa lived an authentic life and the rewards of his choices were demonstrated by the number of people attending his funeral. Friends and family invested in him, supported him, believed in him, and helped him during his final times of need. They allowed themselves to be emotionally connected and vulnerable to him because they did not fear him. They trusted him. He was worth it because he was a trustworthy person. Being a trustworthy person is part of your Grampa’s legacy, the reason why he lives inside so many people today.
Without being able to trust you, I am afraid of you. I am terrified of the paths you were choosing and whether or not you will continue choosing them. There is no such thing as hitting rock bottom. You reach the bottom when you stop digging. The negative trends from your choices are clear to me:
-from city police showing up at our home to the FBI coming into our home;
-from speeding tickets, to negligent driving tickets, to DUI;
-from using pot, to using pills, to more;
-from hiding drugs in our home, to using drugs in our home, to offering drugs to your younger brother in our home;
-from declining grades in high school, to failing grades in college, to needing to withdraw from college;
-and increasing emotional pain, –the drama, the chaos, the lies, the swelling distorted ego, and the disrespect of others.
What I fear most is whether or not you are humble enough yet to accept what you have done was completely wrong, and not normal. You must demonstrate to me you have changed. This requires actions from you, not promises, and time to do so. Until then I will remain guarded. I will protect your Mom and little brother from you. I may not always be fair to you because I cannot give you the benefit of the doubt. You must earn it first. This tears me up because at the same time I also love you. Blood is thicker than water, but not so when your blood is thinned out on drugs. Our current Father/Son relationship is far removed from the dreams and expectations I had for us. I feel like a failure because of it.
Son, I love you. I have hope for you. Your successes and failures are my successes and failures. I want you to be successful. I want you to enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. I remember years ago when you were playing, -the joy, the fun; the helping, the trusting, the emotional connections. I want that life back for you, and me. You need to choose it.
My plea: Living an authentic life WILL BE painful at times, like when Grampa died. But when the pain arrives we must face it, accept it, and reflect on it. It’s ok to cry and to be angry, this is a process of reflecting on and reestablishing thoughts and beliefs. When we do this our life starts making more sense, we become stronger and wiser, and life begins to be a little easier. I plea to you, muster the courage. You have alot of work to do, still. Face it. Stop digging. Stop hiding. Stop Running. Learn from it and become wiser. Life has way more to offer you than what you have been choosing over the last 4 years. Your family is waiting for you with hope.
How I am most affected by your addiction is my inability to trust you. I talked about the importance of being trustworthy during Grandpa’s eulogy. Esse quam videri, the Latin phrase meaning “To be, rather than to seem to be,” is a foundation block for successful living. Grampa lived an authentic life and the rewards of his choices were demonstrated by the number of people attending his funeral. Friends and family invested in him, supported him, believed in him, and helped him during his final times of need. They allowed themselves to be emotionally connected and vulnerable to him because they did not fear him. They trusted him. He was worth it because he was a trustworthy person. Being a trustworthy person is part of your Grampa’s legacy, the reason why he lives inside so many people today.
Without being able to trust you, I am afraid of you. I am terrified of the paths you were choosing and whether or not you will continue choosing them. There is no such thing as hitting rock bottom. You reach the bottom when you stop digging. The negative trends from your choices are clear to me:
-from city police showing up at our home to the FBI coming into our home;
-from speeding tickets, to negligent driving tickets, to DUI;
-from using pot, to using pills, to more;
-from hiding drugs in our home, to using drugs in our home, to offering drugs to your younger brother in our home;
-from declining grades in high school, to failing grades in college, to needing to withdraw from college;
-and increasing emotional pain, –the drama, the chaos, the lies, the swelling distorted ego, and the disrespect of others.
What I fear most is whether or not you are humble enough yet to accept what you have done was completely wrong, and not normal. You must demonstrate to me you have changed. This requires actions from you, not promises, and time to do so. Until then I will remain guarded. I will protect your Mom and little brother from you. I may not always be fair to you because I cannot give you the benefit of the doubt. You must earn it first. This tears me up because at the same time I also love you. Blood is thicker than water, but not so when your blood is thinned out on drugs. Our current Father/Son relationship is far removed from the dreams and expectations I had for us. I feel like a failure because of it.
Son, I love you. I have hope for you. Your successes and failures are my successes and failures. I want you to be successful. I want you to enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. I remember years ago when you were playing, -the joy, the fun; the helping, the trusting, the emotional connections. I want that life back for you, and me. You need to choose it.
My plea: Living an authentic life WILL BE painful at times, like when Grampa died. But when the pain arrives we must face it, accept it, and reflect on it. It’s ok to cry and to be angry, this is a process of reflecting on and reestablishing thoughts and beliefs. When we do this our life starts making more sense, we become stronger and wiser, and life begins to be a little easier. I plea to you, muster the courage. You have alot of work to do, still. Face it. Stop digging. Stop hiding. Stop Running. Learn from it and become wiser. Life has way more to offer you than what you have been choosing over the last 4 years. Your family is waiting for you with hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
This is an amazing and wonderful share. I am so thankful you are committed to your son to this level! In all of the rehabs JJ has attended, they never involved the family (though I believe the Salvation Army had a program to include this). I so want to do that with JJ. The Ranch (where JJ is) doesnt' do family intercessions though they do work the steps. I think that your son is in a wonderful place and YOU are in a wonderful place (emotionally) to be honest and fearless.
Hugs,
Teresa
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
One more item: Don't give up on him. He is very young. If he is willing to do the work,then be willing to work with him though it will be more work on your part. I feel the younger you can be involved in their recovery, the better and being INFORMED like you are now, it will make the huge difference. I was naive when JJ first got "caught" and I didn't appreciate or respect the addictive powers of heroin. I thought "he is fine" and I looked through rose colored glasses at my son. That was the mistake (denial) that led to allowing JJ to take freedoms with our relationship. My story is long and painful (son arrested twice due to stealing from his own family). I wish I could have done it differently back when he was 20 and knew what you now are dealing with.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
When mine was in rehab he had to write his obituary. Being the day he decided to get help was his "death". I cried through it. I keep it in my safe. As of today the things he wrote about himself he is doing the opposite. He wrote he had no legacy to leave except pain, he is 11 months sober and is beginning his legacy. The letter you wrote your son is powerful. I hope he has a copy to read. My son read the letters we wrote him often And kept them with him
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
AWF, thanks for sharing your letter. So well written and beautiful.! I'm sure it had an impact on your son and it was definitely a good sign that he was emotional. Glad that he will be checking into sober living on Monday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
The biggest lesson for me was letting go.
To stop having expectations of family, friends or people I crossed paths with.
My ABF passed away 5 weeks ago, I have no more expectations. It is my duty and obligation to keep learning about addictions and about myself.
There's no disputing that you can have an impact with your son - but be cautious regarding the things that you are responsible for vs. the things that he is responsible for. You can't love him 'enough' or 'inspire' him enough or 'guilt' him enough to 'make' him responsible or to want to recover. This is HIS choice.
It helped me to read LETTING GO by Barry Elwin Jones.
There is no pain in life, suffered as a parent. I wish you, your family and your son a peaceful and inspiring transition during this difficult time.
To stop having expectations of family, friends or people I crossed paths with.
My ABF passed away 5 weeks ago, I have no more expectations. It is my duty and obligation to keep learning about addictions and about myself.
There's no disputing that you can have an impact with your son - but be cautious regarding the things that you are responsible for vs. the things that he is responsible for. You can't love him 'enough' or 'inspire' him enough or 'guilt' him enough to 'make' him responsible or to want to recover. This is HIS choice.
It helped me to read LETTING GO by Barry Elwin Jones.
There is no pain in life, suffered as a parent. I wish you, your family and your son a peaceful and inspiring transition during this difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
A Worried Father, hope everything is going well and that your son got checked into the sober living house. My son is hitting 60 days this week in rehab and it looks like he is going to extend it for 30 more days. He is in what they call the application stage where he leaves during the day for work and goes to group therapy and NA/AA meetings at night. He gets weekend passes from 1-7. It seems like a good transition and we also go to group with him on Monday and private family counseling every 2 weeks. Just praying that he can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Yes, things are going as well as could be expected. He's living in a halfway house and following house rules which include two hours a day. He's also planning to join an IOP group, -still working on it. He has his girlfriend and has been exercising.
He didn't take his car with him per our request. He doesn't like being without a car. He lives 3 miles from school and girlfriend so he's been taking the bus.
We caught him texting with one of his old drug dealers. We called him on it. He openly admitted it. He read to us the text exchanges. The dealer was essential pestering and working him. Our son agreed it was best to block him and so we did. Our son didn't want to be abrasive or abruptly end the conversation after letting the drug dealer he was ok. Discussing what he learned in rehab, he agreed what the guy was doing and agreed to just stop.
Its been one day at a time.
He didn't take his car with him per our request. He doesn't like being without a car. He lives 3 miles from school and girlfriend so he's been taking the bus.
We caught him texting with one of his old drug dealers. We called him on it. He openly admitted it. He read to us the text exchanges. The dealer was essential pestering and working him. Our son agreed it was best to block him and so we did. Our son didn't want to be abrasive or abruptly end the conversation after letting the drug dealer he was ok. Discussing what he learned in rehab, he agreed what the guy was doing and agreed to just stop.
Its been one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
Definitely one day at a time. I think we will be in a very similar situation when our son comes home and will be dealing with same type of behavior. Sounds like you are handling it well. I know it is hard.
Our son talked to his girlfriend last weekend on his birthday and it put him in a funk. I know she still cares for him but it is better for her not to contact him for a while. It just makes him have unrealistic thoughts that they are getting back together and that is definitely not happening right now or maybe ever.
Thinking good thoughts for you and your family!
Our son talked to his girlfriend last weekend on his birthday and it put him in a funk. I know she still cares for him but it is better for her not to contact him for a while. It just makes him have unrealistic thoughts that they are getting back together and that is definitely not happening right now or maybe ever.
Thinking good thoughts for you and your family!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
So....Not good news this afternoon. We called him to say hey, and after questioning him, he admitted he was currently hanging out at his old house, with his old friends, playing video games. We reminded him that this was at least one (you don't go to a whorehouse for a haircut) of the 13 warning signs of relapse. Nicely discussing with him the importance of leaving did not work. We then threatened him that we are stopping all funding and he can figure it out on his own, otherwise we are enabling. He then decided to leave his old house and friends. He didn't apologize and said we were overreacting. We called his house boss, and our son will be tested tomorrow morning. We are keeping our fingers crossed that he passes, however we are still outraged that he visited his old house and friends "just to hang out". This was clearly a bad decision on his part and goes against everything the rehab center taught him. His attitude was like he is on drugs. He claims he took nothing. We'll find out tomorrow. I told him this has taken away trust, I can't give him the benefit of the doubt as explained in my impact letter, and we will make our own choices as a result of his choices to protect ourselves.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
