My 20 year old Son
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think we parents of addicted children want immediate solutions to problems that require more time and action to lead to a better path...I know I did. Please know that I post with love in my heart and complete understanding of the pain you are feeling right now.
Right now your son's biggest problem is his addiction and unless he gets a good recovery plan in place, it will remain his problem and it won't matter a hoot if he goes to college or not. Sadly, we parents cannot buy their sobriety and most of us lost thousands of dollars trying. All our love cannot save them if they don't want to be saved, the willingness to give up the drugs and live life sober can be slow in coming.
This may be a good time to put your wallet away and let him finish his rehab and find a sober living place nearby so he can keep aftercare at that same rehab. Sober living allows them to work, part time or full time, and then return at the end of the day to a sober and safe place to live. There are free rehabs (the Salvation Army has several long term programs that are very good and cost nothing), meetings are free, NA, AA, and other support groups for those struggling with addiction. And if he is living without financial assistance, there are free counseling services as well.
Living life sober and learning to take care of himself will be a life lesson bigger than any college degree ever promised. It may be good to take a year at least to work on his sobriety, before he thinks of returning to college.
These suggestions are based on his willingness to do better and your willingness to let go and let him take care of himself, with encouragement from you perhaps but no financial assistance aside from some groceries or whatever you are comfortable helping with once he shows he can handle life without drugs.
If he is not willing, then let that be his decision and his consequence. That's very very hard to do but guilt and fear are our worst triggers and they will make us sick long before they save our children.
Please know that these are just suggestions from a mama who's been there, and who has been here for 13 years observing from others what works for them. In the end, we each have to make the choices that are right for us. And we learn as we go, and as we share with each other here.
Whatever you decide, please know we are walking with you.
Hugs
Right now your son's biggest problem is his addiction and unless he gets a good recovery plan in place, it will remain his problem and it won't matter a hoot if he goes to college or not. Sadly, we parents cannot buy their sobriety and most of us lost thousands of dollars trying. All our love cannot save them if they don't want to be saved, the willingness to give up the drugs and live life sober can be slow in coming.
The problem is that he has no concept of money, never worked a hard day in his life.
Living life sober and learning to take care of himself will be a life lesson bigger than any college degree ever promised. It may be good to take a year at least to work on his sobriety, before he thinks of returning to college.
These suggestions are based on his willingness to do better and your willingness to let go and let him take care of himself, with encouragement from you perhaps but no financial assistance aside from some groceries or whatever you are comfortable helping with once he shows he can handle life without drugs.
If he is not willing, then let that be his decision and his consequence. That's very very hard to do but guilt and fear are our worst triggers and they will make us sick long before they save our children.
Please know that these are just suggestions from a mama who's been there, and who has been here for 13 years observing from others what works for them. In the end, we each have to make the choices that are right for us. And we learn as we go, and as we share with each other here.
Whatever you decide, please know we are walking with you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: WV
Posts: 83
As parents of addicts, we are all scarred & changed from our experiences with them. At times, even with all facts as you can find, you honestly don't know what the right decision is. I agree with all that putting your son back in the school, in the same situation & same friends is the last thing you want to do. My son died recently from an overdose & as I was going through his things, I found his journal from his 2nd rehab. It was very eye opening. He detailed his many relapses & the vast majority of them happened because he was at a friends house & the drugs were available. When he was trying to stay sober, he could do it at home or work but when he was hanging out with friends he couldn't do it. So I would definitely not put him back in the same situation.
We both love our sons & always wanted the best for them. As a result we spoiled them & weren't as hard on them as we should have been. It sounds like we both helped when it would have been better to let our sons learn some life lessons & face their problems on their own. In my experience, bailing my own son out & comforting him when he made mistakes created a sense of entitlement for him & made him weak mentally. He couldn't handle adversity well at all as he got older. In hindsight, I feel didn't do my job as a parent & prepare him for the challenges of the real world. I can see our situations mirror in a lot of ways & I can see you're at a point that I was a long time ago. Your son is an adult, but you have some leverage as you're putting him through school. My advice is to make hard decisions that are probably the opposite of what you done in the past. Help him grow up by having him face his own problems, no more bailing out. Have talks with him about how being an adult means being responsible for his own actions. Money is an excellent motivator, if he doesn't get on board, threaten to cut him off financially. I realize that most here will think I'm being too nice with my suggestions, but you new to this. I'm not gonna go all hardball doomsday scenario on you, though I want to. It's been less than 2 months since I lost my son & I'm still dealing with all the pain/guilt/regret of decisions I've made when I wasn't hard enough & ended up enabling him. But it's a start, hopefully it's just a college phase & he won't become an addict. He'll rebel at your efforts, he may even hate you for a while. But he's young & you've got to do whatever it takes to save him from himself. I wish you luck.
We both love our sons & always wanted the best for them. As a result we spoiled them & weren't as hard on them as we should have been. It sounds like we both helped when it would have been better to let our sons learn some life lessons & face their problems on their own. In my experience, bailing my own son out & comforting him when he made mistakes created a sense of entitlement for him & made him weak mentally. He couldn't handle adversity well at all as he got older. In hindsight, I feel didn't do my job as a parent & prepare him for the challenges of the real world. I can see our situations mirror in a lot of ways & I can see you're at a point that I was a long time ago. Your son is an adult, but you have some leverage as you're putting him through school. My advice is to make hard decisions that are probably the opposite of what you done in the past. Help him grow up by having him face his own problems, no more bailing out. Have talks with him about how being an adult means being responsible for his own actions. Money is an excellent motivator, if he doesn't get on board, threaten to cut him off financially. I realize that most here will think I'm being too nice with my suggestions, but you new to this. I'm not gonna go all hardball doomsday scenario on you, though I want to. It's been less than 2 months since I lost my son & I'm still dealing with all the pain/guilt/regret of decisions I've made when I wasn't hard enough & ended up enabling him. But it's a start, hopefully it's just a college phase & he won't become an addict. He'll rebel at your efforts, he may even hate you for a while. But he's young & you've got to do whatever it takes to save him from himself. I wish you luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
Ann and Mad, I think I get it. We are considering a collegiate sober living program as part of the solution. We have placed a call into them to learn more. I fully agree, continued assistance is required no matter what. I also currently believe that making him face the consequences (my parenting, using my financial leverage) is part of the solution, and also, a possible underlying medical problem with anxiety that he had before he started taking drugs. These are my current conclusions/beliefs, but I accept that I may be entirely wrong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
I just want to thank Mad4Chaos for sharing. He has lived this Hell to its fullest end, losing his son. I also look back at the mistakes and I pray daily to stop making them over and over. We went from bending over backwards for the first detox, then being robbed blind twice over, then trying again after jail and rehab with NO boundaries, then detaching and now, offering transporation to rehab. Our codependency is progressive as well, but sometimes its progressive improvement on our behalf.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
So we came to a verbal agreement. Continued care is priority. Our Son agreed to sign up for a peer-to-peer man's transitional house. It came recommended by two independent sources and was recognized by our states drug and alcohol program for excellence. Better yet, the house he will be living in was purchased by a person who graduated from our sons school with a PHD because he wanted to give back. He's a recovering addict. Some students live in the house. To appease our son we agreed to support him with enrolling in one class for the summer, then see. He will be in 14 hours of recovery class per week per house rules, and we agree to the councelor's recommendation of IC one a week. Furthermore, our son agreed to not having a car.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 20
Welcome, I'm new here too. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. My 20 year old son came out of rehab yesterday. I spent the last 2 weeks looking at different alternatives. I let him come home, but he is going to IOP 4 nights a week for 3 hours. I looked into a few collegiate programs as well, but the cost of staying at the sober house was quite high and that's before the cost of tuition.
I also questioned myself for what I could have done differently, but we can only go forward. Good luck to us!
I also questioned myself for what I could have done differently, but we can only go forward. Good luck to us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
WF, that sounds like a really smart & measured plan at a good place. I also agree that you consider attending a NarAnon meeting or 6 (as they say, try one six times before you decide against attending). SR and my meeting with other parents has saved me and my sanity over the past four years. Assume you will be in this frame of mind for quite a while and that will help, too. Addiction doesn't just go away, and understanding that has really helped me care for myself and the rest of my family through the ups and downs.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
AWF...
I'm late to this thread, so allow me to offer you a belated Welcome to the Board.
As I look at the heavyweights amongst us -- GardenMama and ilovemysonjj in particular -- who have posted, I can assure you that the experience, strength and hope they've shared with you is gold. There's a lot of good stuff here in our little corner of SR, and I'm grateful that you've found us.
Regarding your son returning to school...it is often difficult for 20 years olds to stay on track academically even during the best of times. When you convolve addiction into that picture and early recovery, academic life is a tall order. Allow recovery to be your son's first priority. It's going to be a rough ride for him. He needs his focus to be on that.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
I'm late to this thread, so allow me to offer you a belated Welcome to the Board.
As I look at the heavyweights amongst us -- GardenMama and ilovemysonjj in particular -- who have posted, I can assure you that the experience, strength and hope they've shared with you is gold. There's a lot of good stuff here in our little corner of SR, and I'm grateful that you've found us.
Regarding your son returning to school...it is often difficult for 20 years olds to stay on track academically even during the best of times. When you convolve addiction into that picture and early recovery, academic life is a tall order. Allow recovery to be your son's first priority. It's going to be a rough ride for him. He needs his focus to be on that.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
To everyone. I am extremely grateful for your help.
I know that my sons fight is not over. With your help I have come to realize that his recovery needs to be his first priority and should not be underestimated. Actually, deep down I knew this, but you guys gave me the confidence to stand up against what my son was conning for. He has become a masterful con artist and this makes me sick to my stomach. I am thankful that I still have somewhat of a financial grip on him to influence what he does.
My wife and I, and our other son, will definitely seek help.
I will definitely follow up and keep you guys informed of his progress.
I know that my sons fight is not over. With your help I have come to realize that his recovery needs to be his first priority and should not be underestimated. Actually, deep down I knew this, but you guys gave me the confidence to stand up against what my son was conning for. He has become a masterful con artist and this makes me sick to my stomach. I am thankful that I still have somewhat of a financial grip on him to influence what he does.
My wife and I, and our other son, will definitely seek help.
I will definitely follow up and keep you guys informed of his progress.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Some really good points on here! This is a great place to come! My 20 year old daughter...now struggling to get on her feet after a very real roller coaster ride of addiction (hospitalizations; rehabs; jail x 6; sober living; homelessness; suicide attempts).
She is in recovery-her recovery. I stay out of it. She has told me....."I wish you wouldn't have bailed me out of jail the first time." We bailed her out and hired an attorney once. Basically, she knows that she needed to feel the consequences HARD!
Early on, her dad and I, tried to soften her blows-pick up the pieces. All of the time, we we were hopeful that she would wakeup; learn her lesson; and "get it." We were fearful of her ruining her life; her health. It has taken 4 years now. She is finally waking up and is DONE. Only she can make that decision.
I have to guard my peace; household; and health. No drugs in house; no help with school or anything else. Your homelessness is your problem....if you choose to not be sober. Hardest thing to do is to call the cops on your kids; kick them out and allow them to flounder; and receive desperate phone calls.
Be firm and follow through. They aren't babies anymore, even though they act like it at times. Love them. Get support for yourself. Keep close some mantra that help you back away....mine are "It's her/his business"; "It's her recovery"; "I am not to worry more about her life than she is now"; "I am not her only resource"
In addition....we have always provided her with the knowledge that when she is ready to get him...we will assist.
She is in recovery-her recovery. I stay out of it. She has told me....."I wish you wouldn't have bailed me out of jail the first time." We bailed her out and hired an attorney once. Basically, she knows that she needed to feel the consequences HARD!
Early on, her dad and I, tried to soften her blows-pick up the pieces. All of the time, we we were hopeful that she would wakeup; learn her lesson; and "get it." We were fearful of her ruining her life; her health. It has taken 4 years now. She is finally waking up and is DONE. Only she can make that decision.
I have to guard my peace; household; and health. No drugs in house; no help with school or anything else. Your homelessness is your problem....if you choose to not be sober. Hardest thing to do is to call the cops on your kids; kick them out and allow them to flounder; and receive desperate phone calls.
Be firm and follow through. They aren't babies anymore, even though they act like it at times. Love them. Get support for yourself. Keep close some mantra that help you back away....mine are "It's her/his business"; "It's her recovery"; "I am not to worry more about her life than she is now"; "I am not her only resource"
In addition....we have always provided her with the knowledge that when she is ready to get him...we will assist.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
I had an interesting discussion with my Son yesterday and now I am not sure how to take it.
My plan is to drive 12 hrs to see him, spend family weekend with him at the recovery center, and then check him out on Sunday and drive him home. ASAP thereafter, within 12 hours (on a Monday), I expected that we would drive 2 hours to his old apartment, grab his stuff, and then check him into the 1/2 way house. He was tasked with signing up with the house. The house is currently being renovated, to be completed on Saturday.
He called me yesterday first asking me/us to fly. At first I was thinking he was concerned about me driving alone. He then focused on what time we would be leaving the recovery center, noon, and then what time we would be getting home. He then mentioned we could share the driving to get home asap. He then mentioned the good news that he called the 1/2 house and that he was accepted. I asked when he's checking in. He said Tuesday/Wednesday. I thought maybe the house wasn't ready yet due to unexpected delays so I didn't question it. He then mentioned our plans to secure his stuff from his old apartment and checking into the new house, and that "he" wanted to drive up to see his girlfriend, and that I should take an extra day off. We didn't talk about this being him alone or both of us drivign up so see his girlfriend. We didn't have much time to talk, so I let it be.
Then I got to thinking, I the order that we discussed things, he just finished manipulating me. We called the 1/2 way house and verified the house will be available on Monday and that he should move in on Monday. We also called his recovery center counselor and the counselor agreed moving in on Monday was best. I was pissed. I confirmed he did manipulate me. He didn't flat out lie, but step by step, he manipulated me to get what he wanted.
But why? Drugs? I hope not. My wife says it might be because he is afraid to talk about or is embarrassed about his feelings for his girlfriend, that he didn't want to debate with me on it, or hear me say no. I'm not sure what to think about it. I guess it doesn't matter, he's moving to the house on Monday. This is best for him. It will be our boundary/requirement.
My plan is to drive 12 hrs to see him, spend family weekend with him at the recovery center, and then check him out on Sunday and drive him home. ASAP thereafter, within 12 hours (on a Monday), I expected that we would drive 2 hours to his old apartment, grab his stuff, and then check him into the 1/2 way house. He was tasked with signing up with the house. The house is currently being renovated, to be completed on Saturday.
He called me yesterday first asking me/us to fly. At first I was thinking he was concerned about me driving alone. He then focused on what time we would be leaving the recovery center, noon, and then what time we would be getting home. He then mentioned we could share the driving to get home asap. He then mentioned the good news that he called the 1/2 house and that he was accepted. I asked when he's checking in. He said Tuesday/Wednesday. I thought maybe the house wasn't ready yet due to unexpected delays so I didn't question it. He then mentioned our plans to secure his stuff from his old apartment and checking into the new house, and that "he" wanted to drive up to see his girlfriend, and that I should take an extra day off. We didn't talk about this being him alone or both of us drivign up so see his girlfriend. We didn't have much time to talk, so I let it be.
Then I got to thinking, I the order that we discussed things, he just finished manipulating me. We called the 1/2 way house and verified the house will be available on Monday and that he should move in on Monday. We also called his recovery center counselor and the counselor agreed moving in on Monday was best. I was pissed. I confirmed he did manipulate me. He didn't flat out lie, but step by step, he manipulated me to get what he wanted.
But why? Drugs? I hope not. My wife says it might be because he is afraid to talk about or is embarrassed about his feelings for his girlfriend, that he didn't want to debate with me on it, or hear me say no. I'm not sure what to think about it. I guess it doesn't matter, he's moving to the house on Monday. This is best for him. It will be our boundary/requirement.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
This is what I learned from our journey. His brain is not functioning normal. he is giving excuses and wanting his own way cause that's what addicts do. It only the tip of the iceberg for his recovery. My son has 11 months and I see improvement every month. Has taken him lots of hard work. And me not feeling guilty or sorry for him. Compassion, yes. But I know it's his recovery his life. don't let him sway you to other plans. Stay strong. It really it the best for him if he chooses recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 37
Yes. Stay strong as daisy6234 stated. If I only knew 5 years ago what I knew now, I would have saved myself a lot of emotional abuse and so much sadness. But, you caught on which it took me along time to do. They are the best manipulators. Any kid tries to
get one over on you, but add drugs to the mix and it is a whole different thing. Wishing you a safe drive and hope all goes well.
get one over on you, but add drugs to the mix and it is a whole different thing. Wishing you a safe drive and hope all goes well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Pure manipulation and immediate gratification.
Been there and earned this T shirt! Dear Worried, is this your oldest child? Usually us parents catch on to the ways of our children (sober or not) in terms of how they bend the truth to meet their selfish needs. I think ALL 20-24 year olds are innately selfish AND they dont want to ever tell you anything. So frustrating!
Been there and earned this T shirt! Dear Worried, is this your oldest child? Usually us parents catch on to the ways of our children (sober or not) in terms of how they bend the truth to meet their selfish needs. I think ALL 20-24 year olds are innately selfish AND they dont want to ever tell you anything. So frustrating!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 46
AWF, sounds like things are moving along in a good direction and you are staying on top of the game. The girlfriend does throw a whole other twist into the story. My son's gf of 3 years broke up with him after he had been in rehab for about 3 weeks. He was really upset but is dealing pretty well with it now. I really love her but for now, it is for the best. I can't believe that he will be hitting the 60 day mark in rehab in 10 days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 91
IlovemysonJJ
Yes, he's our oldest. And yes, immediate gratification. No investment. No hard work. Looking back, he broke so many premisses getting what he wanted immediately. He acts like a 12 year old. Truly emotionally stunted. I've never really recognized this before.
PiperPene,
Not sure what to make of the girlfriend. She's been with him less than a year. She broke up with him once after she discovered him using Xanax. She is paying for her own college. She appears to be level headed. She helped us convince him to attend rehab. On the flip side, she stated that her family are users, and she helped him smuggle drugs into our home on the night before she helped us convince him to go into rehab (I checked his bags but not hers, but caught him digging through her purse).
To account for the possibility of her breaking up with him and causing devastation, per the recommendation of his recovery counselor for this, we are insisting that our Son attend one session a week with an IC in addition to the 1/2 way house. Furthermore, he is to acquire a basic part time job to improve his social skills.
Yes, he's our oldest. And yes, immediate gratification. No investment. No hard work. Looking back, he broke so many premisses getting what he wanted immediately. He acts like a 12 year old. Truly emotionally stunted. I've never really recognized this before.
PiperPene,
Not sure what to make of the girlfriend. She's been with him less than a year. She broke up with him once after she discovered him using Xanax. She is paying for her own college. She appears to be level headed. She helped us convince him to attend rehab. On the flip side, she stated that her family are users, and she helped him smuggle drugs into our home on the night before she helped us convince him to go into rehab (I checked his bags but not hers, but caught him digging through her purse).
To account for the possibility of her breaking up with him and causing devastation, per the recommendation of his recovery counselor for this, we are insisting that our Son attend one session a week with an IC in addition to the 1/2 way house. Furthermore, he is to acquire a basic part time job to improve his social skills.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 1
I can related to worries and concerns
Thank-you worried father for starting this thread. There are so many folks that I can related to on this thread. I vascillate between looking for support on this website with being terrified for what could come. However, I am learning with the help of Al-Anon and Nar-anon that fear driven responses are completely unhelpful, so I am working hard at acceptance of the things I cannot change. I am, however, continuing to work at myself - the "dance" we are engaged in with our AS is dysfunctional at best - I am learning I cannot force or change the steps he takes in this dance, but if I change my steps, he may begin to dance with me in this direction, or may leave the dance entirely.
After 2 DUIs and a growing substance abuse problem with alcohol, cocaine, and Xanax, we took our 22 year old son to a private asian rehab centre. He responded well to the rehab, but when he moved into the sober house, went downhill fast. He was kicked out within a week, and within hours of being kicked out, was found badly injured in the street. He was taken to hospital and was suffering with a brain bleed and a jaw that was broken in 5-6 places, clean in half in one spot. Was in the hospital for better part of 3 weeks, intensive care for ten days, in another part of the world. well-meaning Dr put him back on Valium and now added narcotics. He went back to treatment reluctantly and tx centre assured me they would take him off of the substances only to swap out the valium for another benzo, and the methadone for tramadol, and then added a couple more painkillers in for good measure. Of course he didn't engage well with therapy while doped up. He became very abusive towards me and I blocked contact. Seemed like an awful thing to do with his physical situation and pain (wired jaws, memory loss, etc.) but I am committed to NOT receiving his abuse even if he is hurting or is sick. He became angrier and determined to return to our homecountry, said he wanted nothing to do with us. They at least detoxed him off of the benzos and narcs two weeks before discharge date. en route home, he sent a note humbly asking to return home which we have provided. He has been home for just one week and sleeps excessively, but I am OK with this for now as long as he is polite and not breaking household rules. He attended one NA mtg and will be dealing with legal issues soon. Interestingly enough, he is now expressing that he wishes he had stayed longer in treatment.....after all that he said about wanting to return and hating treatment
I am not only obsessed with his well-being, I seem consumed by it, and this must change. The reality is, he is walking this difficult, difficult path, and I must not continue to try to clear the path for him. He needs to clean the path for himself.
Keep coming back worried father. As a mom who cares, I am learning that my own thinking has become distorted with the addictions, truly this becomes a family disease. I cannot change him, but I can grow myself.
After 2 DUIs and a growing substance abuse problem with alcohol, cocaine, and Xanax, we took our 22 year old son to a private asian rehab centre. He responded well to the rehab, but when he moved into the sober house, went downhill fast. He was kicked out within a week, and within hours of being kicked out, was found badly injured in the street. He was taken to hospital and was suffering with a brain bleed and a jaw that was broken in 5-6 places, clean in half in one spot. Was in the hospital for better part of 3 weeks, intensive care for ten days, in another part of the world. well-meaning Dr put him back on Valium and now added narcotics. He went back to treatment reluctantly and tx centre assured me they would take him off of the substances only to swap out the valium for another benzo, and the methadone for tramadol, and then added a couple more painkillers in for good measure. Of course he didn't engage well with therapy while doped up. He became very abusive towards me and I blocked contact. Seemed like an awful thing to do with his physical situation and pain (wired jaws, memory loss, etc.) but I am committed to NOT receiving his abuse even if he is hurting or is sick. He became angrier and determined to return to our homecountry, said he wanted nothing to do with us. They at least detoxed him off of the benzos and narcs two weeks before discharge date. en route home, he sent a note humbly asking to return home which we have provided. He has been home for just one week and sleeps excessively, but I am OK with this for now as long as he is polite and not breaking household rules. He attended one NA mtg and will be dealing with legal issues soon. Interestingly enough, he is now expressing that he wishes he had stayed longer in treatment.....after all that he said about wanting to return and hating treatment
I am not only obsessed with his well-being, I seem consumed by it, and this must change. The reality is, he is walking this difficult, difficult path, and I must not continue to try to clear the path for him. He needs to clean the path for himself.
Keep coming back worried father. As a mom who cares, I am learning that my own thinking has become distorted with the addictions, truly this becomes a family disease. I cannot change him, but I can grow myself.
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