Twofour

Hijack away darling. Whatever you need to get strength and wisdom.....Young and arrogant. Hard for them to grasp it all too......

AWorriedFather

TwoFour,
My Son's recovery center has a Family Weekend once a month. Our Son reaches 28 days next Monday but we are extending his stay to Family Weekend and I will be attending on the 18th and 19th. I'll let you know how it goes.

Twofour

Aworriedfather. Good luck with family meeting. Thanks for post.

Vale

"I'm not like these junkies"....huh?
Humility taught me that I AM JUST LIKE
ALL THESE CODEPENDENTS.

Our children will learn ALL the truths of life.
As did we-----they don't have a choice. We just
pray they do not expend all of their opportunity
before this one essential lesson of humility is learned.

Twofour

So out of state. Family meetings tue thru thurs. Flights and hotels to have face to face meetings. I know or I think I know how important this step is for my son but. I will have to really stretch it to make it happen. Also leave my little one....I want to see him of couse. I just don't know why 3 days worth. Have call out to counselor to see what goes on... If my ex is going to be there every day. I'm gonna explode. I feel like I need a meeting without him. I deserve a meeting without him. Maybe tht can happen too. Or maybe I just do it over phone of Skype or whatever that is called. Not sure. Did others do this ?

Latte

I learned that in rehab-you can chose 1 of 2 things, get well or use all the sneaky ways they talk about to get and use your DOC. I still catch myself sometimes-saying something that should not come out of my mouth.

A Sober House is an awesome idea. He needs to learn to live on his own and a sober house will teach him those first few steps. It's time for him to sink or swim. Addicts/alcoholics are pretty resourceful. He will either do the right thing and start a sober life, or he won't. You can't force him to do either. What you can do is tell him that he can't come home until he spends some time at the Sober Living house.

Twofour

I know now that has to be his option He lived on his own at college in apartment and went to full time school and held a job and .....was using. So clearly I know he is capable of that for sure. I just don't know how important a face to face week long family meetings are ?? At the tune of 800 bucks etc etc. The last rehab was a 45 minute meeting with a 25 yr old counselor and us talking about feelings. He had her wrapped around his finger. I want to do what's right for him and me. If it will help then I'm all about it. Little more credit card debt......

Twofour

Latte Please feel free to say anything on my thread. I'm not thin skin and almost appreciate it right between the eyes....lol

mooselips

Hi,
My only input I have, after dealing with 2 addict son's, (one sober, the other ...not so much)

Is

Sometimes we need to step back and let our Higher Power take control.
We...(as in ME) always was in the middle.
I could not seem to let anyone, including my H.P. take control.



After a zillion years of working on ME, I finally got it, stepped aside and let someone else take control.

Plus, once I relinquished my "helpfulness" the situations seemed to shift for the better...

Us parents do the best, with what we have at the time, never intending harm to come to our loved ones....

Hugs and hugs to you......

Twofour

Moose lips. I hear ya and thank you for post. I feel like once I get there it will give lots of chances for him to work on his momma to do next step at home. Everything I read here sounds like not the right choice. Still working on finding my higher power. Thanks again

Twofish

Dear Twofour,
You have all us mommas here, to give you the support you must kinda need
by now.
Whatever decision you make, we stand by you, walk with you and care
about you.
If you let go, then let go....but never forget to take care of YOU!
Be strong and keep the hope alive!
I will be thinking of you and will say a prayer, to my HP, to send you some peace.
Hugs coming to you...
TF

Twofour

Thanks Twofish. I am struggling with this next step. Thanks for posting. And the support.

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Twofour!

Remember on the other Thread when I told you his using would eventually be his undoing? It happened! Didn't it? He got caught stealing his laptop back from the pawn shop! He pawned it for money to buy more drugs! And of course he didn't have the money to get it back? So he just took it! (Ironically! I just watched an intervention show the other night where this guy took his grandpa's laptop to the pawn shop to get money for drugs! His grandpa had to go pay $12.00 on the bill so they'd hold it until he could pay the full $80.00 back)!

As for coming back home after rehab? NADDA! He's tried that routine already and he started using again. Even got your middle son to join in with him! A lot of users like company! Someone to party with and get F'ed up with! Back in the late '70's I was with my husband at a party! I saw a guy I grew up with hang his head out of the house window puking his guts up! I got concerned and started to go check on him! My husband put his hand on my arm and told me NO! He said: "Your friend just did a hit of heroin!" I had heard of drugs, but really didn't know anything about them. That scene freaked me out! To see a childhood friend so sick from shooting up! Here I am way past those years and I still remember that! I'm sure my friend doesn't? But I do!

It's amazing how many young ppl are always saying: "Oh I'll never get that bad! These ppl are freaks! I'm not!" Yeah well! Keep thinking that! Because the longer you're in love with your DOC and you keep using it? The more you'll take until it doesn't work anymore. Then you'll start looking for something stronger! My friend on SR told us some of his past history and how he got started into the alcohol/drug world! My God! I'm glad he found his way out of that darkness, because he was at death's door!

Just remember this: "You didn't force the drugs down his throat! It wasn't anything you did that made him want to start using drugs! But it is within your power to try and get him help! It's your choice though! You see? It's within your POWER! Not your MISSION in life to make sure he stays clean! He's 21 years old! He's not a baby wearing diapers you need to tend to! But since I just said that? I've seen reports on TV where kids have used certain drugs and are vegetables now. Wearing diapers!"

If your son brought a 12ft python into your home as a pet? Something that could eat your younger son, himself or you! Would you allow it to stay in your home? Would you send him packing with his python because he wouldn't give it up? I would in a heartbeat if it were my daughter! His drug using is slowly eating into y'all's home life, just like that python would do!

You're already ahead of the game by him being in Rehab and setting your boundaries by having him go to a rehab home when he leaves there! It's the good in all of y'all's case! Yes he wants to come home! What kid wouldn't? He got himself into this predicament. He is now paying the consequences for it! Just look at it as "Your grounded"!

I can't help but remember when he was excited about the job he was getting, only to end up popping the pills again and then needing/wanting his laptop back! He did all that negative crap! It wasn't YOU my dear! And remember I told you too he'd probably be drug tested for the job? He never made it to that point!

TOD

AWorriedFather

TF,
Your awesome support makes me want to give back. The following was my impact letter for anyone is needing ideas.


How I am most affected by your addiction is my inability to trust you. I talked about the importance of being trustworthy during Grandpa’s eulogy. Esse quam videri, the Latin phrase meaning “To be, rather than to seem to be,” is a foundation block for successful living. Grampa lived an authentic life and the rewards of his choices were demonstrated by the number of people attending his funeral. Friends and family invested in him, supported him, believed in him, and helped him during his final times of need. They allowed themselves to be emotionally connected and vulnerable to him because they did not fear him. They trusted him. He was worth it because he was a trustworthy person. Being a trustworthy person is part of your Grampa’s legacy, the reason why he lives inside so many people today.

Without being able to trust you, I am afraid of you. I am terrified of the paths you were choosing and whether or not you will continue choosing them. There is no such thing as hitting rock bottom. You reach the bottom when you stop digging. The negative trends from your choices are clear to me:

-from city police showing up at our home to the FBI coming into our home;
-from speeding tickets, to negligent driving tickets, to DUI;
-from using pot, to using pills, to more;
-from hiding drugs in our home, to using drugs in our home, to offering drugs to your younger brother in our home;
-from declining grades in high school, to failing grades in college, to needing to withdraw from college;
-and increasing emotional pain, –the drama, the chaos, the lies, the swelling distorted ego, and the disrespect of others.

What I fear most is whether or not you are humble enough yet to accept what you have done was completely wrong, and not normal. You must demonstrate to me you have changed. This requires actions from you, not promises, and time to do so. Until then I will remain guarded. I will protect your Mom and little brother from you. I may not always be fair to you because I cannot give you the benefit of the doubt. You must earn it first. This tears me up because at the same time I also love you. Blood is thicker than water, but not so when your blood is thinned out on drugs. Our current Father/Son relationship is far removed from the dreams and expectations I had for us. I feel like a failure because of it.

Son, I love you. I have hope for you. Your successes and failures are my successes and failures. I want you to be successful. I want you to enjoy life the way it is meant to be enjoyed. I remember years ago when you were playing, -the joy, the fun; the helping, the trusting, the emotional connections. I want that life back for you, and me. You need to choose it.

My plea: Living an authentic life WILL BE painful at times, like when Grampa died. But when the pain arrives we must face it, accept it, and reflect on it. It’s ok to cry and to be angry, this is a process of reflecting on and reestablishing thoughts and beliefs. When we do this our life starts making more sense, we become stronger and wiser, and life begins to be a little easier. I plea to you, muster the courage. You have alot of work to do, still. Face it. Stop digging. Stop hiding. Stop Running. Learn from it and become wiser. Life has way more to offer you than what you have been choosing over the last 4 years. Your family is waiting for you with hope.

Twofour

TOD. Thanks for finding me again. Love the post. I am attending meetings and working my program learning how to detach with love. I do want him to know I love and support him.
Aworriedfather. Thanks for post. I did read your letter to your son and I pray it helps. I too have written one but when he came home first time. I know now 20 days was not enough time for him or me for sure. I pray that more time sober allows him to focus. I'm just so bitter. He was an A B student with only 7 classes to graduate. So painful. Gotta get past it cause I need him to live and hopefully find the path to stay sober.

Thanks, everyone.

Twofour

TOD. I love your posts. You always set me straight. Thank you

I have learned the definition of insanity is doing the same thing Over and over and expecting a different outcome. Someone said it at my last meeting. It really hit home.

Twofour

Hello all. I have a question. Son called from rehab again. Says he is well. Wanted to know if I could money in account for a hair cut and smokes. I'm trying to not enable but is this enabling? He's not working yet Seems silly question. I just wanna stick to my plan but I'm a stinky smoker and feel like giving up two addictions would be huge. What do I know. Any thoughts. I also just got notice that all his school loan payments are coming due? Do I tell him about it? The codie says he's going thru enough. Lord should the meeting at rehab just be about recovery? His turn to talk?

greeteachday

Someone here once told me, when I struggled with whether to do something "nice" for my daughter while in rehab, to think about my motivation and to also do what felt right for me. This idea worked well for me...I decided to do that "nice' thing because I was doing it because I wanted to, I loved her, and it was something I would have done for a good friend too. I felt as if my motivation for not doing it would have been because somehow I was judging her for having an addiction - that I was withholding as a form of punishment. That didn't work for me, and I concluded that in my case, the nice thing I wanted to do was not enabling.

I'm not saying that is the answer for you - just suggesting that maybe thinking about your motivation is a good place to start when deciding what action to take or not take.

As far as the student loan payments, I would say yes, let him know. They are his responsibility, right? He's in the best place possible right now to work with a counselor and figure out how to address the issue. That's part of recovery work too - learning to live in the real world with real world problems to confront.

AWorriedFather

When I visited my son in inpatient recovery, I think everyone there smoked or used the nicotine vape. We wired our son some cash for the vape and hair cut. It was treated like a reward (at least in my mind).

Twofour

Thank you all. Feel better. Simple things. I'm afraid to et too excited to see him but I can't wait. Thanks again for the posts.