When son comes home?

Old 03-26-2015, 10:25 AM
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When son comes home?

19 yr old son got a DUI a month ago and there was Xanax and weed in the car. He blew a .04 which is over the limit because he is a minor. When we got him out of jail, he admitted that he had been taking Xanax off and on for a year and smokes pot. He has been away at college but we had an idea that something was going on because his grades had dropped, personality changes, and he made excuses why he needed cash instead of using the CC. He said he took a Xanax with some friends when they went out one night to get a quick high with drinking and he ended up liking it so he kept it up. He did not do it continually but would go on binges and then stay away from it for 2-3 weeks and then do it again. He wanted to go to rehab and is now in a residential program and getting ready to complete the first month and will stay for a second month but will have more freedom. He did not go through any withdrawals which I was surprised to hear because of the horror stories I have read about benzos.

After he completes the second month, he will be moving home and I am wondering what type of boundaries should we set? He will have a job and will be enrolling in school in the fall. He is doing really well in rehab, back to being himself again, and excited to get back on track in school but I know all that could change in a minute. We want to be supportive but not enabling. We are talking to his counselors but wanted to get some advice from parents who have been through this situation. Thanks.
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Old 03-26-2015, 10:47 AM
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Boundaries are for you, house rules for him

Boundary: I do not allow or support illegal drug use or abuse.

House rules: Work and or go to school, clean up after yourself, no overnight guests. Be mindful of our sleeping hours and quiet times.

The above is how I approached my daughter. When she needed more flexibility than I was willing to compromise on, then it was a good sign she was ready to move on and she has

Before I forget, it sounds like your son is a classic abuser rather than physically dependent. By his willingness to address it and change bad habits, he's preventing an even bigger and possibly devastating problem.

Best wishes to you and your family
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Old 03-26-2015, 10:59 AM
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Welcome to the Board, PiperPene, I am glad you found us. I have a few thoughts and questions.

Is a sober living home available to your son, instead of living at home? I say this because it is very taxing to have a recovering child live at home, regardless of the good intentions on all sides. Sober houses have structure, support, UA testing, meetings and peer relationships, whereas our family homes don't.

I have had my RAD at home recently, and it was very hard after the honeymoon period of 6 weeks passed. You can read my posts to learn more about the specifics, but it was a strain on everyone, her included. It is easy for house rules to slide, for people to get testy, for old triggers to emerge.

Even if your son could live in a sober house for 3 months, you'd still have a few months left for him to try living at home before returning to college. It's just a thought, based on hindsight, without knowing your son at all, so please take it if it resonates with you at all, dismiss it if it doesn't.

I am glad he sounds committed to his recovery and has the memory of jail and the help of treatment to get back on track. I wish you all the best! Keep reading here, as it has helped many of us get through hard times.
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Old 03-26-2015, 11:40 AM
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I agree with the above posts. If you have done research I am sure you have realized benzos and alcohol can be a very deadly combo. It can often lead to blackouts and violent behavior. Please be aware and protect yourselves.
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Old 03-26-2015, 12:05 PM
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Originally Posted by GardenMama View Post
Welcome to the Board, PiperPene, I am glad you found us. I have a few thoughts and questions.

Is a sober living home available to your son, instead of living at home? I say this because it is very taxing to have a recovering child live at home, regardless of the good intentions on all sides. Sober houses have structure, support, UA testing, meetings and peer relationships, whereas our family homes don't.
The next phase of the program that he is now entering can last an additional 60 days but at this time he is approved through insurance and we have paid for only 30 days. Now that I have heard your advice, we will talk about extending it to 60 days. As committed as I feel that he is right now, I am definitely worried about him relapsing. The longer that he attends NA / AA meetings regularly and has daily counseling, I think his chances of staying sober are better. He has a sponsor and seems to connect well with him. He really is not a big drinker and I think his biggest vice will be trying to stay away from weed. Once he decides to take a hit, that will draw him back to the Xanax.

He is still dealing with his court case so depending on that outcome will also determine his future plans. Thank you all for your suggestions. It really helps hearing from other parents and at least having some ideas of what could happen.
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Old 03-26-2015, 04:14 PM
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I strongly encourage the extension, then! That sounds even better than having to navigate a sober house right now, and it gives you time to find one for the months after if you so choose.

This past fall when my RAD lived with us, she did not relapse on drugs but relapsed into old behaviors that caused stress for all of us, herself included. Now that she is on her own, things are much better.

Good luck with everything. We are here for you.
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Old 03-26-2015, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
Boundaries are for you, house rules for him

Boundary: I do not allow or support illegal drug use or abuse.

House rules: Work and or go to school, clean up after yourself, no overnight guests. Be mindful of our sleeping hours and quiet times.
Thank you for clarifying. The counselor has talked about boundaries versus rules and it didn't really click but your example makes sense. The house rules that you listed seem like they will be a good starting point for us.

During our son's high school years, he was not a perfect angel but he was really a good kid. He graduated summa *** laude, lettered in two sports and was active in other extracurricular activities. He is the youngest of four and all of our kids knew what was expected of them and we never laid down any hard and fast rules so it will be interesting when we start talking about rules. Looking back, maybe he is the one that needed rules! Thanks again for your advice.
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Old 03-27-2015, 08:52 AM
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I encourage him to stay! Really, 30 day rehab for anything is not enough. It is a huge downfall. The more tools he has in his toolbox for recovery the better off he will be.

Hugs to you!
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Old 03-27-2015, 10:07 AM
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He is definitely staying for the next 30 days which starts today. He will be given a little more freedom. He will have a job but will still participate in group therapy, counseling, attend AA/NA meetings, and still have to be signed out. He may extend that another 30 days but we have not made a final decision yet but he definitely needs as many tools as possible so it does make sense to stay longer. Thanks.
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:23 PM
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Hi PiperPene
My story is very similar, except daughter and age 23 (at the time). Also a DUI, while at college and Benzos. Did well in 30 rehab, 30 days half way house and then home. So, what advice can I offer you.

If at all possible, don't bring him home. It was without a doubt, the worst mistake we made for her recovery. (BTW, the parents of her rehab class would agree, the kids who stayed out of the house are by far doing better than those who moved back in with their parents.)

Why you ask? Because what are you going to do if he starts using again? I am assuming that you will have a rule "you can't live here if your using". So, be totally honest with yourself, completely honest. Do you have the ability to throw him out on the street if you find out he's using? What if its -20 degrees outside? What if he promises that it was a mistake and he knows it and promises never again? If you don't have the strength, then don't allow him back in. Because if you let it go even once, you're done for.

And just something to think about: I am assuming he will have court in a few weeks/months? And he will lose his license for 6 months? or a year? So, who will be driving him to AA meetings? To work? To counseling? To DUI School? To probation? If not you, how will he get there? And, if the answer is you, then let me tell you, your life will revolve around driving and sitting in parking lots waiting (too far to drive back home and no where else to go, so you sit, and sit and sit.)
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Old 03-27-2015, 05:52 PM
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P.S. Piper
My daughter is also the baby (older siblings, no problems with drugs/alcohol and live on their own (an engineer and an optometrist). Our addict daughter graduated college with a double major summa *** laude and was in graduate school at the time of her DUI). My husband and I have been happily married for 30 years and are both employed full time.

I understand, I really do. But I had NO IDEA how dangerous the alcohol/benzo combo was and that stupidity could have cost her, her life. She needed more structure than we could provide at home.

P.S.S. One more thing, which will impact your decision about him moving home is going to be financial. You know how they say "DUI, you can't afford it" Well, I believe them. Your son will have some hefty bills over the next few months. Fines, court costs, DUI School, counseling (even if is the co-pay), probation, attorney. We are talking thousands of dollars. Money (or lack of) was the reason we brought her home. Just wanted you to be prepared. Good luck.
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:29 PM
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Ditto, Piper....my son is in the same situation. Be smart the FIRST time, so you won't be doing it a second and third like we are. He MUST go if he uses in the house. He must contribute meaningfully to the family unit if he wNts to live there too.
The DUI was a huge wake up call for my son. He is paying for all of the costs associated with it and dealing with it on his own. I wish we had been tougher years ago. Good luck to you!
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Old 03-27-2015, 07:31 PM
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Iliana.... Drive and sit.....I can SO relate. I should just start being an Uber driver since I'm out so much!
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Old 03-28-2015, 08:18 AM
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INgal- HAHAHAHA- thank you so much for the laugh. Yes, Uber driver is my secret profession!
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Old 03-30-2015, 11:06 AM
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Ileana / Ingal, Thank you for your replies and advice. All the additional information helps so much.

The biggest worry about him coming home will be throwing him out if he uses again. That would be really hard to do. My husband and I talked to the counselor and she suggested that we all sign a document that he would return to rehab or have to leave the house if this happens. Hopefully he would go to rehab because that would be much easier than putting him out on the street.

We met with a couple of families this weekend whose sons had the same addiction in college and have been clean 3 and 5 years. They gave us some good tips about how they handled their sons after rehab. They both lived back at home, one for a year and the other until he completed college. It was nice to hear some success stories but they were also honest about how hard and stressful it was and can be.

The financial impact will be on our son. He has paid for the attorney and will be the one to pay any fines, classes, etc. I am sure his savings will be completely depleted and hopefully that will be a lesson learned. Believe it or not, the state where he got his DUI, only has a 90 day license suspension for minors and it is from the day of the arrest so if we extend his rehab for 30 more days, he will have his license back when he gets out. Now, whether we let him drive or not is another story.

His mood has been good and he seems to still be moving in a positive direction. As he has more freedom and starts working, I am anxious to see his demeanor. I hope he can work through this.
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Old 03-30-2015, 01:22 PM
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Piper
Good luck to you, your son, and family. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so negative. Of course it can work and I really do wish you the best. Please keep us updated on how its going.
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Old 03-30-2015, 02:20 PM
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Ileana, I appreciate your honesty and certainly don't want to go into this blindly because I know that he could easily relapse. Numbers don't lie. I did not take it as negativity just as sharing. It sounds like your daughter has so much going for her and reached her potential in many ways. It's hard to hear about these young people who have so much to offer and are making such bad choices. I am praying hard every day that mine starts to make better ones. Thanks again for your input.
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Old 04-03-2015, 05:54 PM
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I'm in a similar situation. My son will be completing his 30 day program next week. He is looking at felony charges for possession and intent to sell. I don't want him to come home. I don't want the battle. I want him to live with other people who are learning how to live life sober. I've researched a few sober living situations that also provide access to college courses, but just the living expenses are ridiculously priced before the cost of the college credits. We have already given a lawyer big bucks for his defense and I expect him to get a job to repay us.
Gardenmama, Ileana and Ingal, thank you for sharing your stories.
Can anyone give me advice on how to search for affordable sober living?
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Old 04-03-2015, 06:37 PM
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Good evening, have you asked his lawyer? they should have some references. I always google "free sober living" or "free rehab" to find programs. I also have seen many listings on Craigslist. Also if our son has been attending meetings, a lot of sober living referrals can come from members with those organizations. Best of luck
TT
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Old 04-04-2015, 07:20 AM
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I agree with JJs mom about searching for free places, though these may require your son to sign up for some public assistance. I have noticed a wide range in prices, too. Perhaps call someone in a NarAnon group? Other parents often have a lot of information! And you might even consider sober living that is not in your area, or even in your state. Sometimes the change of scenery and distance from the old routines and people makes a big difference.
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