Feeling less hopless

Old 03-13-2015, 07:09 PM
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Feeling less hopless

I am new here to SR. I used to be addicted to pain killers for about ten years after my parents passed away. One of my sisters and I began taking opiates to help deal with the pain. She and I both married addicts. My younger sister began using about five years ago and went from opiates to shooting heroin within four short years. During Thanksgiving of 2010, I realized, while looking at my addicted family over the dinner table, that I was done with this behavior. I began a 27 day recovery for myself by working and carrying 1 loratab around with me that month...which I never took.

It has been a long and lonely four years. Everyone in my life, sisters, husband, in-laws, are all addicted to pills. I have felt completely out of place and have never felt that I had anywhere to turn to.

Here over the past several months, I have lost all faith and trust in my AH. He is an addict so of course, so it is hard to communicate with him. The only time he has moments of clarity is when he is coming down. Over the past few months, he has been smoking meth behind my back. But I am no fool...I know him and can look at him and see what he is on. (I do not claim to be an angel at all. I have partaken with him in several different drugs over the years but only have done them recreationally and when HE has brought them around. I think I mostly partook because I didn't want to be around him and it was the only way we could actually talk civilly.

I have learned that I too have problems. I do not feel that I am an addict because I do not do drugs but once in a blue moon. I have watched all of my loved ones lose their selves in abuse and knew that I would never become them.

I began reading all of the information provided at SR and realize that I can not fix any of them. My older sister and her husband are now both in prison and my younger sister put herself in rehab three weeks ago. All three of them, I pray, will come out better people. But I am at a lose with my AH. I have done all of the do's and don'ts of dealing and helping an addict and have realized that I can not fix any of them. I wish I could help my husband, but I now know that I can not. I need to fix myself and the damage that I have allowed addiction, theirs and mine, to do to me.

I am alone in this, this is why I am here now. I am tired of being alone. I have located Al-anon meetings and NAR-anon meetings within my area and hope I can find my way there to attend. I am trying to change myself, I have recently gone back to college to get my BAS and really want to concentrate on myself. I do not want to leave my husband behind, but with his addiction, his addicted parents and (recently moved back from California) addicted sister, I do not know if he can change even though I really know he wants to.

I guess I just need input from others that have experience with these types of issues. Thanks for reading!
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Old 03-14-2015, 11:16 AM
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Ann
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I'm glad you joined us. There are many double winners here, who are recovering addicts and recovering codependents too. Hanging on to your own sobriety must be hard when surrounded by people who use.

I'm glad you found meetings that will help you regain your balance and make decisions about your future with clarity.

You sound like a smart lady and I am glad you are continuing with your education and making a life for yourself, no matter what life those around you choose.

You are not alone here, many have been where you are and will be along to support you too.

Hugs
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:26 PM
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Thank you Ann for the positive words of encouragement. It is hard to stay optimistic. I feel that joining SR is going give me the support I need. I already feel better knowing I have found a group of people that are understanding and experienced. I hope I can bring in as much good as I feel I will take away from this group.

As I sit here on the couch with my withdrawing husband, I don't feel the anxiety that I would have used to feel. Just knowing there's support is helping!
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Old 03-14-2015, 06:45 PM
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I am also glad you have joined us. I am one of the double whinners. I was a codependent who thought "can't fix them, Join them!!" and sunk into my own addiction.

Thanks to the people on this forum, as well as those in the substance abuse forum, I have found a life I never imagined.

We do the best we can do. I've buried my stepmom who died from an unintentional OD. I've recently found out that my niece, who I helped raise (along with stepmom) is addicted to opiates that stepmom gave her by the handfuls.

I just, silently, celebrated 8 years in recovery. I have accepted that I can only share my ES&H. I can't Fix anyone.

As a dear friend of mine told me, I am like a book in the library - I have a ton of ES&H, but I need to wait until my loved ones check me out. In the meantime, I live my life to the fullest, I do the responsible things.

It's hard, going it alone. I'm grateful for all the people here at SR who have been there for me for many years. Yes, they are cyber friends, but it doesn't matter. They get me, they get what I'm going through, and it makes a world of difference.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-15-2015, 02:12 PM
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Wow Amy.. we have a lot in common... my mom passed from complications due to polypharmical.. it is hard going at this alone. I feel excited though when I get off work and can come home and check this forum.
My AS is going through his withdrawal roller coaster this week and this is the first time in years that I have not made helping him through it a priority.
We have been fighting for weeks, I can barely stand to look at him at times. I know what I have to do for me but can't help feeling that I should be doing something for him. Even though there is nothing I can do. I don't want to leave him or get divorced but I can not carry on the same life anymore.
My lil sis gets out of rehab this week and I am terrified. How do I continue to try not to make their problems mine?
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