But I love him...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
But I love him...
Hey everyone... I've been lingering on this site for a few days now, checking things out, reading everyone's stories, trying to find where I fit in... I posted once in the newcomer forum and was then referred here, as I am the wife of a recovering heroine addict, or as he calls himself, a "junkie." I hate that word. It sounds so degrading, I hate that he calls himself that...
A little bit about me, I'm 26 years old and have been with my other half for almost 9 years. We have a five year old son and were in the process of buying a house when he was reintroduced to heroine last year. About four years ago, I helped him through his first battle with this drug, never expecting to ever do it again. He was snorting it that time and was only using for a couple of months when he confessed to me. He chose to detox at home, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen... He was so sick, so miserable for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only about a week, maybe a week and a half. He swore then that he would never do it again. Then it was over, I would never go through this again with him... Or so I thought.
Fast forward to last month, February 23 to be exact, a day I will never forget. I found a water bottle cap in my car with frozen water in it... Something that may seem harmless to most people, but was a very ominous sign to me, as I knew in my gut what it was for. I never got a chance to confront him about it, because I wanted to wait until our son was in bed to question him, and he came to me before I could go to him. He told me flat out, with tears in his eyes, "I have a problem, I need help." The first thing that every addict must do: acknowledge that they have a problem and ask for help. I was thankful he came to me, but I felt so betrayed and hurt. But now wasn't the time to feel those things, he needed help first. Trying to process what had happened, I immediately got on the phone with every detox center around us, trying to find one to take him. I was so focused on getting him help, I never thought to ask him anything, like when did this start? Why did you do this? Were you shooting up, or were you serious about that bottle cap belonging to someone else? Those things never crossed my mind that night. I worked so hard to find someone to take him, but finally came to accept the fact that I couldn't do anything until morning. So we went to bed, for the most sleepless night I've ever had. That's when those questions popped into my head. I was overwhelmed with questions, emotions and confusion, but I tried to sleep.
The next day, when we got up, I wanted to believe it was a bad dream, that couldn't have really happened, not again... He ran up to the store to get us each a pack of cigarettes and while he was gone I tried to compose myself as best I could, I needed to have a clear mind to get the answers I needed. When he got back, he told me that he had called his dad and told him, and that he would be down to pick him up shortly and take him to rehab. I cried my eyes out as we stood by the front door, waiting for his dad to get there. We both did. He kept apologizing and promising to make things right, I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to stand there with him and cry, I could not believe this was happening.
I thought the hard part was over, but things continued to get worse. After he left, all I wanted was to see him, but the detox center doesn't allow visitors, I was miserable. I decided I was going to go up there and beg to see him, but decided to check my car before I left just in case... Good thing I did because I found a bag of computers in the trunk, along with certified letters from his work, informing him that he had been terminated the end of January for walking out on the job. I had no idea, he left everyday to go to work... I started to get angry. This day keeps getting worse and worse...
If the days to follow, I found out a little more about the mess he had created right under my nose, a mess I had no idea was there. He had spent about $50,000 on his habit since July. Our entire savings had been drained of every dime we had been saving for buying a house, about $35,000, my car I thought was in the shop had been sold, my jeep was sold, he took out a loan at the bank, pawned our computer with all of my son's pictures from when he was a baby, sold his dirt bike, stole his mom's flat-screen TV and pawned it, borrowed thousands of dollars from family members and took out a cash loan on the title to the only car we had left. It was a mess. An absolute mess. So not only was I left to process the fact that my hubby was a heroin addict, I had to try and clean up a huge mess while trying to be a mother to our son. It was a horrible week...
I managed to borrow enough money to get my computer and his mom's TV out of pawn and his dad paid off the loan he took out on the title to the car. Thank goodness he was willing to sign power of attorney papers while he was in detox or I would've lost all that stuff. It was the worst week of my life I think, and a lot of it is still a blur.
Heroine is an evil, evil drug, it has ruined my life. I will fill in the rest of the details tomorrow for you guys... It's 2:30 am here and my son has no mercy on me when he gets up in the morning! I look forward to getting to know each one of you!
A little bit about me, I'm 26 years old and have been with my other half for almost 9 years. We have a five year old son and were in the process of buying a house when he was reintroduced to heroine last year. About four years ago, I helped him through his first battle with this drug, never expecting to ever do it again. He was snorting it that time and was only using for a couple of months when he confessed to me. He chose to detox at home, it was the most awful thing I've ever seen... He was so sick, so miserable for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only about a week, maybe a week and a half. He swore then that he would never do it again. Then it was over, I would never go through this again with him... Or so I thought.
Fast forward to last month, February 23 to be exact, a day I will never forget. I found a water bottle cap in my car with frozen water in it... Something that may seem harmless to most people, but was a very ominous sign to me, as I knew in my gut what it was for. I never got a chance to confront him about it, because I wanted to wait until our son was in bed to question him, and he came to me before I could go to him. He told me flat out, with tears in his eyes, "I have a problem, I need help." The first thing that every addict must do: acknowledge that they have a problem and ask for help. I was thankful he came to me, but I felt so betrayed and hurt. But now wasn't the time to feel those things, he needed help first. Trying to process what had happened, I immediately got on the phone with every detox center around us, trying to find one to take him. I was so focused on getting him help, I never thought to ask him anything, like when did this start? Why did you do this? Were you shooting up, or were you serious about that bottle cap belonging to someone else? Those things never crossed my mind that night. I worked so hard to find someone to take him, but finally came to accept the fact that I couldn't do anything until morning. So we went to bed, for the most sleepless night I've ever had. That's when those questions popped into my head. I was overwhelmed with questions, emotions and confusion, but I tried to sleep.
The next day, when we got up, I wanted to believe it was a bad dream, that couldn't have really happened, not again... He ran up to the store to get us each a pack of cigarettes and while he was gone I tried to compose myself as best I could, I needed to have a clear mind to get the answers I needed. When he got back, he told me that he had called his dad and told him, and that he would be down to pick him up shortly and take him to rehab. I cried my eyes out as we stood by the front door, waiting for his dad to get there. We both did. He kept apologizing and promising to make things right, I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to stand there with him and cry, I could not believe this was happening.
I thought the hard part was over, but things continued to get worse. After he left, all I wanted was to see him, but the detox center doesn't allow visitors, I was miserable. I decided I was going to go up there and beg to see him, but decided to check my car before I left just in case... Good thing I did because I found a bag of computers in the trunk, along with certified letters from his work, informing him that he had been terminated the end of January for walking out on the job. I had no idea, he left everyday to go to work... I started to get angry. This day keeps getting worse and worse...
If the days to follow, I found out a little more about the mess he had created right under my nose, a mess I had no idea was there. He had spent about $50,000 on his habit since July. Our entire savings had been drained of every dime we had been saving for buying a house, about $35,000, my car I thought was in the shop had been sold, my jeep was sold, he took out a loan at the bank, pawned our computer with all of my son's pictures from when he was a baby, sold his dirt bike, stole his mom's flat-screen TV and pawned it, borrowed thousands of dollars from family members and took out a cash loan on the title to the only car we had left. It was a mess. An absolute mess. So not only was I left to process the fact that my hubby was a heroin addict, I had to try and clean up a huge mess while trying to be a mother to our son. It was a horrible week...
I managed to borrow enough money to get my computer and his mom's TV out of pawn and his dad paid off the loan he took out on the title to the car. Thank goodness he was willing to sign power of attorney papers while he was in detox or I would've lost all that stuff. It was the worst week of my life I think, and a lot of it is still a blur.
Heroine is an evil, evil drug, it has ruined my life. I will fill in the rest of the details tomorrow for you guys... It's 2:30 am here and my son has no mercy on me when he gets up in the morning! I look forward to getting to know each one of you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes, heroin is an evil drug, my AH is the user, so I completely relate to what you are feeling and going through. My AH stole things too, from the stores usually and went to jail for it. Several times. One thing I will never forget is - my grand-grandmother had a ring that my grand-grand father gave her. He committed suicide and she loved him all her life. He gave her this ring with a very rare Alexandrite stone (those were discovered in Russia in 1800's). Later Alexandrite deposits were discovered in other parts of the world, but these never had such precise colors as the Russian stones did. In the 1950's Russia stopped mining them. Anyway, not only was this stone rare, it was part of my family's history. My grand-grand mother gave it to my grandma (who is now dead) who then gave it to my mother. My mother made a huge mistake giving it to me, as AH stole it and pawned it for $100 to get his f-g heroin.
You will find that stories here have a similar pattern. When I first joined I was amazed how similar this pattern really is. I would 'quit' coming here because I felt that my AH and his habit was different. Nop. Like they say - that's what addicts do - steal, manipulate, lie. This forum is an amazing place, there were moments when I couldn't breathe and I came here for support and felt alive. We are all here for you, with similar stories, only some dealt with this in a healthy way.
My AH just came back from rehab (he never would come to me and admit it though, I had to snoop and find out, so I am not really sure he wants to stop), then he relapsed a week later, lost his job, I am stuck with two cars, one of which will be taken by the bank shortly, I am completely not functional and also feel like you - wtf just happened AGAIN.
We will move on though. One way or another. I sat in my house yesterday, my children are loud, my dogs are jumping everywhere, house is not clean, no $, no hope, depression and I thought to myself. Yes, this is crazy, but I can do it, I can get myself out of this. Take a deep breath, you don't have to make any decisions right now. You will get through this. You will. Sending you hugs.
You will find that stories here have a similar pattern. When I first joined I was amazed how similar this pattern really is. I would 'quit' coming here because I felt that my AH and his habit was different. Nop. Like they say - that's what addicts do - steal, manipulate, lie. This forum is an amazing place, there were moments when I couldn't breathe and I came here for support and felt alive. We are all here for you, with similar stories, only some dealt with this in a healthy way.
My AH just came back from rehab (he never would come to me and admit it though, I had to snoop and find out, so I am not really sure he wants to stop), then he relapsed a week later, lost his job, I am stuck with two cars, one of which will be taken by the bank shortly, I am completely not functional and also feel like you - wtf just happened AGAIN.
We will move on though. One way or another. I sat in my house yesterday, my children are loud, my dogs are jumping everywhere, house is not clean, no $, no hope, depression and I thought to myself. Yes, this is crazy, but I can do it, I can get myself out of this. Take a deep breath, you don't have to make any decisions right now. You will get through this. You will. Sending you hugs.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MissMO...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post, and my hope is in the days and weeks to come, you'll find our little corner of SR to be both a comfort to you, and informative.
Other members will be by to give you feedback, so until they do, here's mine.
One question that you will have to answer at some point is how long are you prepared to ride this out with him. When I read something like this --
-- the urgency of you answering that question becomes greater.
We can't answer that for you. But one thing I will tell you straight up is it does not matter how much you love him. If it did, you wouldn't be here, and more to the point, this board wouldn't be here. We all love(d) the addicts in our lives, and that love did not stop the addicts from continuing to use.
You will need to make decisions based on what you know to be true, not what you want in your heart. Remember that.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the step to post, and my hope is in the days and weeks to come, you'll find our little corner of SR to be both a comfort to you, and informative.
Other members will be by to give you feedback, so until they do, here's mine.
One question that you will have to answer at some point is how long are you prepared to ride this out with him. When I read something like this --
If the days to follow, I found out a little more about the mess he had created right under my nose, a mess I had no idea was there. He had spent about $50,000 on his habit since July. Our entire savings had been drained of every dime we had been saving for buying a house, about $35,000, my car I thought was in the shop had been sold, my jeep was sold, he took out a loan at the bank, pawned our computer with all of my son's pictures from when he was a baby, sold his dirt bike, stole his mom's flat-screen TV and pawned it, borrowed thousands of dollars from family members and took out a cash loan on the title to the only car we had left. It was a mess. An absolute mess. So not only was I left to process the fact that my hubby was a heroin addict, I had to try and clean up a huge mess while trying to be a mother to our son. It was a horrible week...
We can't answer that for you. But one thing I will tell you straight up is it does not matter how much you love him. If it did, you wouldn't be here, and more to the point, this board wouldn't be here. We all love(d) the addicts in our lives, and that love did not stop the addicts from continuing to use.
You will need to make decisions based on what you know to be true, not what you want in your heart. Remember that.
Be safe, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Oh dear, I am a Mother of an Addict, and what I just read made me cringe. I am so sorry to hear of all of the surprises you are dealing with. All I know is my son is a monster while on Heroin. He stole every item of jewelry, keepsakes, money, you name it. I think he would have stolen the big screen TV if he could have figured out how to transport it! The more we (family) think we can change them, the deeper in denial we get. I hope you move all of your assets to a single account, and protect yourself. Too much has already been lost to the drug. I hope your husband decides to go to rehab. It is NOT an easy task to walk away from heroin. Also, those computers! This sounds like there could be theft at work. PLEASE protect yourself and your child from any further risk of harm either financial or legal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
I'm so sorry you had to share this, but I'm very happy you did!
I, too , am new here & posted on the newbie forum, then the addicts forum, now here ( I fit in many, many forums...lol!
). Everyone has been very sweet, but idthink anyone could relate to me.
My husband also just relapsed from heroin ( but w/a few different twists than your story. )
You see, this time, last yr., my husband & I both did heroin for the 1st time ( about a mo. after my 48th b-day & on the day of my mother's funeral, no less. ) I've never felt shame like that in my entire life! But, a mo. prior to that, we were both inhumanely ( & illegally ) cut off our prescribed pain killers that we both had been prescribed for over 10yrs., going through life threatening withdrawals, & I was expected to give the eulogy @ my mother's funeral! )
I'm sure you've heard of "functioning alcoholics" ( although I'm sure most do not feel like they're properly functioning, they do get the bills paid. This is what my husband & I did...still manage to pay all our bills, never stole, ext... However, we are the only people using heroin that I had ever met doing this. Every other addict we knew @ the time begged, borrowed, stole & lied. We did, however, start to pawning a lot of our belongings!
Anyhoo, I signed both of us to different rehabs 4 1/2mos after we started using.That was 6mos ago ( I stayed clean & will remain clean for the rest of my life. )
But, I felt exactly as you did when he told me he relapsed... felt like my world fell apart & I'm terrified that he'll never get better forever.
It does help to be supported by like minded people!
I, too , am new here & posted on the newbie forum, then the addicts forum, now here ( I fit in many, many forums...lol!
). Everyone has been very sweet, but idthink anyone could relate to me.My husband also just relapsed from heroin ( but w/a few different twists than your story. )
You see, this time, last yr., my husband & I both did heroin for the 1st time ( about a mo. after my 48th b-day & on the day of my mother's funeral, no less. ) I've never felt shame like that in my entire life! But, a mo. prior to that, we were both inhumanely ( & illegally ) cut off our prescribed pain killers that we both had been prescribed for over 10yrs., going through life threatening withdrawals, & I was expected to give the eulogy @ my mother's funeral! )
I'm sure you've heard of "functioning alcoholics" ( although I'm sure most do not feel like they're properly functioning, they do get the bills paid. This is what my husband & I did...still manage to pay all our bills, never stole, ext... However, we are the only people using heroin that I had ever met doing this. Every other addict we knew @ the time begged, borrowed, stole & lied. We did, however, start to pawning a lot of our belongings!
Anyhoo, I signed both of us to different rehabs 4 1/2mos after we started using.That was 6mos ago ( I stayed clean & will remain clean for the rest of my life. )
But, I felt exactly as you did when he told me he relapsed... felt like my world fell apart & I'm terrified that he'll never get better forever.
It does help to be supported by like minded people!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I left a post on the substance abuse form for you and am glad you found here.
As I read your post here certain thoughts cross my mind and the biggest is did he really ever stop? I think that because in time so much in life that always kinda seemed off made sense when heroin was all out in the open. Here I thought heroin was back because of the pain pills for an injury and the truth was it never really left. It was always lurking in the shadows, would come and go and come and go and had for decades until it came and he couldn’t get it to leave.
In the immediate you need to really separate your money from him and do not put any money into a join account he has access to. Get your own new accounts and change all pins on any of your cards and remove yourself in every way possible financially to him. I would flat out cancel any joint credit cards even though you will still bear some responsibility for the debt so no more is accrued.
As Vale wrote, heroin takes … and it does from not only those who use it, but from those who watch as well.
And as Zoso wrote if love saved then none of us would be here.
Also know this isn't really your mess to clean up. He can and should be responsible for picking up the shattered pieces. I understand that some things had to be addressed right away but don't remove his responsibility for his actions.
It is just so sad.
Be gentle with yourself.
As I read your post here certain thoughts cross my mind and the biggest is did he really ever stop? I think that because in time so much in life that always kinda seemed off made sense when heroin was all out in the open. Here I thought heroin was back because of the pain pills for an injury and the truth was it never really left. It was always lurking in the shadows, would come and go and come and go and had for decades until it came and he couldn’t get it to leave.
In the immediate you need to really separate your money from him and do not put any money into a join account he has access to. Get your own new accounts and change all pins on any of your cards and remove yourself in every way possible financially to him. I would flat out cancel any joint credit cards even though you will still bear some responsibility for the debt so no more is accrued.
As Vale wrote, heroin takes … and it does from not only those who use it, but from those who watch as well.
And as Zoso wrote if love saved then none of us would be here.
Also know this isn't really your mess to clean up. He can and should be responsible for picking up the shattered pieces. I understand that some things had to be addressed right away but don't remove his responsibility for his actions.
It is just so sad.
Be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
My husband is also a heroin addict. There's a wealth of information here and support. I like to make the same mistakes a few times before I learn from them. But, I have learned a lot for sure. I still live with my husband and he does a suboxine treatment center. Dabbling here and there. It sickens me.
Anyway - Definitely protect yourself from this point out. Financially is a huge one. I hold all of our money and he has little access to it. He has no pins or passwords and I even have a PO box for all my mail which he doesn't have a key to. This is the life of living with an addict. I love my husband. I just cannot trust him with money - ever.
Anyway - Definitely protect yourself from this point out. Financially is a huge one. I hold all of our money and he has little access to it. He has no pins or passwords and I even have a PO box for all my mail which he doesn't have a key to. This is the life of living with an addict. I love my husband. I just cannot trust him with money - ever.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14
Thank you all so much for your kindness and support during this trying time, your encouragement is very much appreciated! Though I wish I could've met each of you on different terms, I'm glad we have somewhere to talk with others who can relate to what we're going through... My heart goes out to you and your families, I send love and hugs to all of you! What an amazing group of people! <3
My hubby just celebrated day 17 of sobriety today, and, while I know it's not very long, it's a day I didn't think would come. We have had many ups and downs along the way, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The physical symptoms of the withdrawal are starting to ease up, but the feelings of guilt are starting to set in now. We had a good breakthrough today, he cried and acknowledged out loud what he had done, all the people he hurt and how shameful he felt. I think it was a turning point in his recovery...
I'm exhausted from the day and it's after midnight here, so please excuse my brief reply, but I will be back tomorrow. Hugs to each of you, thank you for welcoming me to your family! I look forward to getting to know each of you!! Goodnight!
My hubby just celebrated day 17 of sobriety today, and, while I know it's not very long, it's a day I didn't think would come. We have had many ups and downs along the way, but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The physical symptoms of the withdrawal are starting to ease up, but the feelings of guilt are starting to set in now. We had a good breakthrough today, he cried and acknowledged out loud what he had done, all the people he hurt and how shameful he felt. I think it was a turning point in his recovery...
I'm exhausted from the day and it's after midnight here, so please excuse my brief reply, but I will be back tomorrow. Hugs to each of you, thank you for welcoming me to your family! I look forward to getting to know each of you!! Goodnight!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
MissM0...
A word of caution.
Opiates don't let go of anyone easily. Once he starts experiencing emotions and feelings again, it's going to feel like they're cranked up to 11. And then his brain is going to be telling him, I know just how to stop that. That's what he's going to be dealing with in the days and weeks to come.
My hope is you stick around for a while and absorb the hard won life lessons our little corner of SR has to offer.
I hope your AH stays on a good path. And you, too.
A word of caution.
Opiates don't let go of anyone easily. Once he starts experiencing emotions and feelings again, it's going to feel like they're cranked up to 11. And then his brain is going to be telling him, I know just how to stop that. That's what he's going to be dealing with in the days and weeks to come.
My hope is you stick around for a while and absorb the hard won life lessons our little corner of SR has to offer.
I hope your AH stays on a good path. And you, too.
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