periwinkle123

this disease that can turn a successful, honest, loving, generous man & husband into someone I don't recognize. Someone that sits slumped over and passed out in front of me. Defeated once again.

A wonderful, involved, educated father who makes his sons face light up anytime he sees him. Now I'm afraid to leave him in his care (& I don't). I'm afraid to leave him alone in general the past couple of days. Perhaps it's enabling to take care of him and make sure he doesn't fall over and hit anything or drop anything that can break.. But I guess it's not possible for me to just leave the man I love when there's a possibility of him accidentally hurting himself. Earlier today after using, he fell over facedown in the bathroom... When he wasn't responding and I walked in, I literally thought he had OD'd (he's been tapering down, so for him to get this "high" or out if it wouldn't usually makes sense)... He says it's because he's been taking anti anxiety things and it's mixing with the opiates, & causing more drowsiness than normal.
I wish he wasn't trying to do this all on his own.. He's educated, yes. But he's still an addict. He can't control his own tapering or cravings.. There's always discussions of plans of getting a sponsor of counselor or some kind of tapering program or having me control the amounts as he goes down.. But it's always all talk when he gets high.. Anyone can talk about doing stuff.. He has been able to quit even when using way higher amounts before, for 1-2 months clean.. But lately it feels like a never ending downward spiral.. & of course when I plan to leave and can't handle being around him like this anymore, he says he needs me and he can't go on or have any hope if I give up on him. I want to learn to detach in a way where I'm not all stressed and anxious constantly but can still be around and not completely cold and separated from him.

If only logic and addiction mixed.

Ann

Periwinkle, is there a detox in your area? It is usually wiser and safer for an addict to detox under professional supervision. They also have counselors that can talk to him about recovery programs available to him, the Salvation Army program is good and it's free.

I see a circle of doom in what you post. He knows that once he detoxes or gets clean you will leave him, so he remains in a pathetic, sick and dangerous place to keep you there. That's dangerous for him and you both.

You/we/anyone else is not the person to get him clean...only he can do that and sometimes thy do it better without our interference.

At some point you may need to set some solid boundaries at what you will and will not accept in your life and the life of your child.

He may get clean, he may die, he may continue as he is...but whether you stay with him or leave will not seal his fate. We are not that powerful. If love could save an addict not one of us would be here.

Prayers out for you and your family, this is a sad and terrible way to live.

Hugs

JOIE12

Your words are what most of us feel. One person has saved another in many instances but with drugs ... it's the addict who must save themselves. He made this choice. I truly understand your feelings as I have them too but you will find at some point, that you cannot do this anymore. It will bring you down. You will lose everything including your health. I left my ABF in the hands of God. I accepted that the worst may happen but usually they just go on using until they cannot.

He has no idea what is in each batch. All of the fentanyl and other chemicals make it 'Russian roulette'. There is little that you can do to 'save' him from himself.

Please consider letting go of the idea that you need this type of validation.

You are a good person. Conscientious and loving. Spend as much time taking care of yourself as you do in thought and deed taking care of him.

They are all just words until we open our eyes and make the changes that we need to make to survive this awful disease.

periwinkle123

I won't leave him if he gets clean.. He knows that if he keeps using that will make me put distance between us.. I guess I got so used to living with his addiction that it became normal. Now that I'm getting out more and taking care of myself, I can see how crazy the life we've been living has been :/ is there a detox program that I as his wife can admit him to..? If he's too high to function?

AliWProk

You can take him to the hospital or look up a detox center and make an appointment. But only he decide whether he wants to quit. Nothing you say is going to influence him, ultimately.

Do some reading in the stickies, there are several great articles and posts there. Especially topics of detaching, disengaging, enabling and codependency. In the meantime, you take of yourself first. Perhaps find an Al Anon or Naranon meeting.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know it hurts. We are here for you, keep coming back.