Are there ever happy endings?
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Are there ever happy endings?
Staying in a marriage where one is in recovery..is there ever a happy ending? Or will my life always consist of addiction? I know the future is unknown. I'm just curious what the statistics are of people staying together and remaining happy and people divorcing and being happier.
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Originally Posted by Kelslol 
Staying in a marriage where one is in recovery..is there ever a happy ending? Or will my life always consist of addiction? I know the future is unknown. I'm just curious what the statistics are of people staying together and remaining happy and people divorcing and being happier.
And the only way you can make that decision is to allow your brain to know what it knows, and use your own moral compass when making decisions.
That often isn't easy, especially when you love someone.
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Location: Iowa
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You'll never regret taking care of yourself, no matter what a significant other chooses. The people I know who have the happy ending you are hoping for are the ones who both work a program of recovery, one spouse in AA, the other in Alanon.
For myself, I had to redefine what constituted a happy ending. I had to let go of the idea that there was one ideal outcome (my ex got sober and we lived happily ever after) and open myself to the possibility of making my own happy ending, regardless of what my ex chose to do.
I am living my happy ending right now, working a recovery through Alanon and doing what I want to do with my life. He is doing what he wants to do with his life- drinking. Defining my own happiness was the best thing I could have done. If I had stayed, I'd still be miserable, waiting for him to change so that I could have happiness.
For myself, I had to redefine what constituted a happy ending. I had to let go of the idea that there was one ideal outcome (my ex got sober and we lived happily ever after) and open myself to the possibility of making my own happy ending, regardless of what my ex chose to do.
I am living my happy ending right now, working a recovery through Alanon and doing what I want to do with my life. He is doing what he wants to do with his life- drinking. Defining my own happiness was the best thing I could have done. If I had stayed, I'd still be miserable, waiting for him to change so that I could have happiness.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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I waited for this happy ending for 5 years. So far no happy ending, I am anxious, miserable, depressed, have what I think PTSD from all the stress and worrying. So I went back to AA for my drinking and Al-anon. And I am distancing myself - AH is leaving for long term treatment, I cannot be around his active addiction.
I am in exact same boat, thinking about what kind of ending to expect. I have no answer, just know that I am right there with you
I am in exact same boat, thinking about what kind of ending to expect. I have no answer, just know that I am right there with you
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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It hinges on what the alcoholic does To recover.
Stopping drinking is but a beginning.
A comprehensive and complete psychic change is what is needed to have the best chance of an HEA.
(happily ever after)
Stopping drinking is but a beginning.
A comprehensive and complete psychic change is what is needed to have the best chance of an HEA.
(happily ever after)
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 32
i agree with ladyscribbler. i am learning to change my definitions of the happy ending. easier said than done, of course. it hurts so much, letting go of the dreams and hopes that have driven you to such depths of effort. it by investing in that "happy ending" that i've completely lost myself to the whims of someone else. when learning to let go - it is difficult for me to believe in a better future because it is so amorphous, especially since years of relying on someone else for happiness, i don't know what i want in life anymore. a part of me still yearns for the happy ending that comes with my husband's recovery.
but how naive can i be, and how many times will i allow myself to be hurt, for a happy ending that, to be honest, doesn't look at all plausible? i've completely lost myself, and that is the scary part, and the lonely part, the part that makes me want to seek refuge in old dreams. hope is the link that connected my present self to my imagined future, and when hope fizzled out completely, i knew that those were just castles in the air, no real concrete.
i have to start working for my own happy ending now, on my terms. alone and scared, sure, but this time i will decide.
but how naive can i be, and how many times will i allow myself to be hurt, for a happy ending that, to be honest, doesn't look at all plausible? i've completely lost myself, and that is the scary part, and the lonely part, the part that makes me want to seek refuge in old dreams. hope is the link that connected my present self to my imagined future, and when hope fizzled out completely, i knew that those were just castles in the air, no real concrete.
i have to start working for my own happy ending now, on my terms. alone and scared, sure, but this time i will decide.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
For myself, I had to redefine what constituted a happy ending. I had to let go of the idea that there was one ideal outcome (my ex got sober and we lived happily ever after) and open myself to the possibility of making my own happy ending, regardless of what my ex chose to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NC
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You said it yourself...the future is unknown. For me, I am learning that my happiness doesn't depend on him. I had lost myself in all of this mess, and become miserable in the process. Do I still hope that he works his program and stays clean, and he becomes a good partner? You bet. Am I counting on it? No. I'm learning to let go. To let go of the dream and accept each day as it comes. It's one day at a time. I can't know what the future holds. Right now, I know that we are not healthy individuals so we will not make a healthy couple....but, I haven't lost hope. We are giving one another time to heal, learn, and grow...then, who knows? I realize and accept that this process could take years and we have decided to navigate this healing/learning/growing process in separate quarters.
I realize and accept that this process could take years and we have decided to navigate this healing/learning/growing process in separate quarters.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Kelslol - my father was an alcoholic, and he was arrested for a DWI when I was less than 1 year old. My mother had to come bail him out of jail, and I came along for the ride. She was holding me in her arms when she had to point him out to the jailer. Literally, she had to point through the bars in the drunk tank and say "that's him". I don't remember any of this of course, but I heard the story a few times. He said he felt like such a piece of **** seeing me with my mother that he swore it off that day. He never had a drink since, and it has been over 30 years now. Some would probably say that he wasn't a true alcoholic, but he sure acted like one if he wasn't. A lot of his heavy drinking / drugging buddies ended up going to AA. Most of them failed.
I think some of it had to do with his childhood. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and my father always swore that he wouldn't do that to his children. My father watched my grandfather drink himself mad and then to death. He went to a 'sanitarium' (I think that is what he called it, but I forget the exact name my dad uses...it was the name they used before 'rehab') three times to get dried out, and bankrupted the family. I think my father's experience with seeing the dark side of addiction made it easier for him to quit. That, and he is the toughest most stubborn person that I have ever met.
My folks had their ups and downs like any other married couple. I am not sure that it is necessarily a textbook marriage for riding off in the sunset, but they have been married almost 40 years now. Alcohol / drugs are never an issue for them. Like I said, once he swore it off he never took another drink.
If I had been humble enough to listen to him when I was a teenager I might not have screwed up as bad as I did. He warned me about it, and explained that it ran through the family. I think his exact words were "I can't tell you what to do, but your life will be a lot better if you never drink. You probably think I am full of ****, but just trust me. Even if you never listen to anything else I ever tell you again for the rest of your life listen to me now. Trust me this one time. I know what I am talking about." Thinking back on it that just goes to further illustrate that he was an alcoholic. How many 'heavy drinkers' do you know that talk like that.
So, for what it is worth, it is rare, but it does happen. Some people do quit and never look back.
I think some of it had to do with his childhood. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and my father always swore that he wouldn't do that to his children. My father watched my grandfather drink himself mad and then to death. He went to a 'sanitarium' (I think that is what he called it, but I forget the exact name my dad uses...it was the name they used before 'rehab') three times to get dried out, and bankrupted the family. I think my father's experience with seeing the dark side of addiction made it easier for him to quit. That, and he is the toughest most stubborn person that I have ever met.
My folks had their ups and downs like any other married couple. I am not sure that it is necessarily a textbook marriage for riding off in the sunset, but they have been married almost 40 years now. Alcohol / drugs are never an issue for them. Like I said, once he swore it off he never took another drink.
If I had been humble enough to listen to him when I was a teenager I might not have screwed up as bad as I did. He warned me about it, and explained that it ran through the family. I think his exact words were "I can't tell you what to do, but your life will be a lot better if you never drink. You probably think I am full of ****, but just trust me. Even if you never listen to anything else I ever tell you again for the rest of your life listen to me now. Trust me this one time. I know what I am talking about." Thinking back on it that just goes to further illustrate that he was an alcoholic. How many 'heavy drinkers' do you know that talk like that.
So, for what it is worth, it is rare, but it does happen. Some people do quit and never look back.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
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The answer to your question is elusive. I agree, redefine!
My RA Sister who lives us is sober, period.
She still has an attitude
She still hides in her room
She still does not make friends
she still does only one meeting a week
She still still lies
I am happy that she is sober, not living on the streets and that she stays out of my face most of the time and if she died today she would have someone there to care that she lived. That is my happy ending.
My RA Sister who lives us is sober, period.
She still has an attitude
She still hides in her room
She still does not make friends
she still does only one meeting a week
She still still lies
I am happy that she is sober, not living on the streets and that she stays out of my face most of the time and if she died today she would have someone there to care that she lived. That is my happy ending.
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He goes to one meeting a week and talks to his sponsor once a week. I went away to Napa for the weekend with some girlfriends and I gave him $60 for the weekend and asked if goeworld get receipts for everything he buys. His $70 was gone by satursay afternoon and he had no receipts, he said he forgot. He also spent $40 on the credit card for food. so I don't get where the money went so fast. He keeps passing drug tests but he is so different now. He's super irritable and we act more like friends than a couple now (that could be my fault). I'm just worried that I will never trust him. He doesn't seem to be going above and beyond to make me feel comfortable.
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I wwould be so embarassed and ashamed to get a divorce at this age. I didn't get married questioning if we wouldn't make it. I always thought I was lucky to have him, now I actually feel unlucky since our relationship has obviously been built on lies
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If life is a book, then it makes sense that we all want a happy ending.
I think that sometimes I focus so much on the last chapter and whether or not it will be good, that I lose sight of the present chapter. For me, I would rather have 20 happy chapters than only one happy one at the end.
We can never open a new, better chapter if we refuse to turn the page.
This next part will sound crazy. Bear with me please.
Put his addiction on the back burner a minute. Pretend he is "normal" pretend that instead of NA he goes to the gym. Pretend that his sponsor is his personal trainer. So often I am tempted to make excuses for my AHs behavior because he is an addict and "that's what addicts do"
Instead, I should say "He is my husband. This is what husbands should do."
I come from a conservative background where divorce isn't an option. I understand that, but you don't have to divorce someone to move out, take space, and grow. You don't have to file right away or at all to secure your finances, but you do have to protect yourself.
Just my two cents.
I think that sometimes I focus so much on the last chapter and whether or not it will be good, that I lose sight of the present chapter. For me, I would rather have 20 happy chapters than only one happy one at the end.
We can never open a new, better chapter if we refuse to turn the page.
This next part will sound crazy. Bear with me please.
Put his addiction on the back burner a minute. Pretend he is "normal" pretend that instead of NA he goes to the gym. Pretend that his sponsor is his personal trainer. So often I am tempted to make excuses for my AHs behavior because he is an addict and "that's what addicts do"
Instead, I should say "He is my husband. This is what husbands should do."
I come from a conservative background where divorce isn't an option. I understand that, but you don't have to divorce someone to move out, take space, and grow. You don't have to file right away or at all to secure your finances, but you do have to protect yourself.
Just my two cents.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Lily1918
I think that sometimes I focus so much on the last chapter and whether or not it will be good, that I lose sight of the present chapter. For me, I would rather have 20 happy chapters than only one happy one at the end.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
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Decide how you will (or will not) allow yourself to be treated.
Do this and the happily ever after will take care of itself.
Screw a last happy chapter. Write a happy BOOK.
( You are the author, You write the story)
Do this and the happily ever after will take care of itself.
Screw a last happy chapter. Write a happy BOOK.
( You are the author, You write the story)
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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You all have great points! I guess the fear and anxiety I have is the unknown. What if I leave and he stays clean forever, I could be making a huge mistake. Or what if I stay and he uses again, I would be making a huge mistake. I wish I had a crystal ball haha
I guess the fear and anxiety I have is the unknown. What if I leave and he stays clean forever, I could be making a huge mistake. Or what if I stay and he uses again, I would be making a huge mistake. I wish I had a crystal ball haha
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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kelslol...
Did it occur to you that there are ways to be happy and sane that are independent of whether he is using or not?
Did it occur to you that there are ways to be happy and sane that are independent of whether he is using or not?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Crystal Ball 101
I learned a long time ago that “recovery” looks like recovery. And that a recovering addict working a strong recovery program is probably one of the most honesty and humbled human beings you will ever meet.
Someone trying to win back your trust doesn’t spend $110.00 in 2 days and say they forgot to keep receipts. That is not recovery.
I learned a long time ago that “recovery” looks like recovery. And that a recovering addict working a strong recovery program is probably one of the most honesty and humbled human beings you will ever meet.
Someone trying to win back your trust doesn’t spend $110.00 in 2 days and say they forgot to keep receipts. That is not recovery.
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