Help :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
Help :(
He's definitely using again (or probably never stopped!).
Do I have the right to tell him to keep away from our little girls? He is being so demanding and aggressive about seeing them and I truly don't trust him! He is even asking my mum if he can see them at her house!! He is threatening me with court action and saying there is no drug problem but I just KNOW there is. I feel like no one believes me
he even said to my sister that he wasn't prepared to do my home drug test as he wasn't sure it would be reliable! So by talking about it openly he is manipulating her to believe he is fine!!!!!!
I can't cope with the stress
Do I have the right to tell him to keep away from our little girls? He is being so demanding and aggressive about seeing them and I truly don't trust him! He is even asking my mum if he can see them at her house!! He is threatening me with court action and saying there is no drug problem but I just KNOW there is. I feel like no one believes me
he even said to my sister that he wasn't prepared to do my home drug test as he wasn't sure it would be reliable! So by talking about it openly he is manipulating her to believe he is fine!!!!!!I can't cope with the stress
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Has he ever done anything in their presence to endanger them? Is there a pattern? Just try and take an honest look at your motives. It is really difficult to sort things out sometimes. As long as he is "fine" when he is with them, what he does away should not matter, at least as far as visitation is concerned. We have to be careful that we are not punishing, because someone is not behaving the way we think they should or have wronged us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If he is using he shouldn't be around your children. Addiction is progressive. It is a disease of "yets"- as in, he has never endangered the children while using "yet."
Head him off at the pass. Get your own legal representation and push for supervised visitation contingent on him passing a court ordered drug test.
He is trying to intimidate you into making a decision you aren't comfortable with. Don't let guilt and fear keep you from protecting your children.
Head him off at the pass. Get your own legal representation and push for supervised visitation contingent on him passing a court ordered drug test.
He is trying to intimidate you into making a decision you aren't comfortable with. Don't let guilt and fear keep you from protecting your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Saffy.
I can understand your worry. Our children should never be put in danger, and we have ever right to make sure that they do not. Can you be present when he visits them?
There are members here who have experience with this, and I am sure they will be along shortly to talk with you. Don't let him pressure you into anything, before finding out your rights.
take care.
chicory
I can understand your worry. Our children should never be put in danger, and we have ever right to make sure that they do not. Can you be present when he visits them?
There are members here who have experience with this, and I am sure they will be along shortly to talk with you. Don't let him pressure you into anything, before finding out your rights.
take care.
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
Thank you so much for responding totfit, ladyscribbler and chicory.
I have to trust my instincts and they are to protect my girls at all costs. Our daughters are just 1 and 3 so are totally dependent on me and I don't feel safe with him around them. In the past, the baby fell off the bed on 3 separate occasions whilst under his "care". He also has massive mood swings around them and as they are so young, I worry that they will be frightened. The last time we saw him, he verbally insulted me (not a very nice word at all) in front of them so I just don't trust him and I agree that whilst he is in active addiction, he should probably not be around them. I don't want to punish him, but I have to protect my babies this is so confusing. He tries to manipulate me into letting him get what he wants by telling me that I am "punishing him". It's so easy to feel sorry for him and he knows this.
I have to trust my instincts and they are to protect my girls at all costs. Our daughters are just 1 and 3 so are totally dependent on me and I don't feel safe with him around them. In the past, the baby fell off the bed on 3 separate occasions whilst under his "care". He also has massive mood swings around them and as they are so young, I worry that they will be frightened. The last time we saw him, he verbally insulted me (not a very nice word at all) in front of them
so I just don't trust him and I agree that whilst he is in active addiction, he should probably not be around them. I don't want to punish him, but I have to protect my babies this is so confusing. He tries to manipulate me into letting him get what he wants by telling me that I am "punishing him". It's so easy to feel sorry for him and he knows this.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
saffy, you have good reasons for staying away from him yourself, and keeping the children away but you will need to start getting active on this, rather than passively ignoring his demands.
First up, legal advice is the smart way to go. Do your homework first by documenting any reasons why you don't feel he would be fit to see them unsupervised. You've given some reasons, but do your best to put together dates and times. Include abuse towards you in their presence. Once you have all this together see a lawyer or DV service.
He's undermining you with your family. I don't know what the dynamics are, but see if you can get your mother and sister together and explain why you're against visitation. Ask them whether they think a drug test is reasonable, given his past behaviour, then point out that he's refusing to take one.
Investigate visitation services which include testing and supervision, then offer them to your AH, at his expense. He won't take it up because that would mean less to spend on drugs, but it will show your willingness for him to have visitation under proper supervision.
First up, legal advice is the smart way to go. Do your homework first by documenting any reasons why you don't feel he would be fit to see them unsupervised. You've given some reasons, but do your best to put together dates and times. Include abuse towards you in their presence. Once you have all this together see a lawyer or DV service.
He's undermining you with your family. I don't know what the dynamics are, but see if you can get your mother and sister together and explain why you're against visitation. Ask them whether they think a drug test is reasonable, given his past behaviour, then point out that he's refusing to take one.
Investigate visitation services which include testing and supervision, then offer them to your AH, at his expense. He won't take it up because that would mean less to spend on drugs, but it will show your willingness for him to have visitation under proper supervision.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
I know you are right - he probably knows that deep down but he knows how to manipulate me into feeling like the bad guy! And because his family believe his lies, they all think I am using the children as weapons! Getting so much stick for trying to be a good mum!! X
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Try working on your internal dialogue – try and stop using HIS word – punishing - and begin to use your own words like – healthy, courage, strong, safe.
Why do you have such strong feeling of “feeling sorry for him”?
That seems to be your downfall to his manipulations.
Why do you have such strong feeling of “feeling sorry for him”?
That seems to be your downfall to his manipulations.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
Hi atalose, I don't really know why! I think it's because his life just seems so miserable and I know inside he is a lovely soul. He seems so lost! But I love your advice - I know I am codependent and it seems like a really good idea to work on my internal dialogue to develop healthier thinking.
I think it's because his life just seems so miserable and I know inside he is a lovely soul. He seems so lost! But I love your advice - I know I am codependent and it seems like a really good idea to work on my internal dialogue to develop healthier thinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
I have so been where you are, Saffy86! In fact, I'm kind of there now....
My XAH relapsed months ago. Like you said, I'm sure he ever really stopped (except during hospital detoxes). Whenever he's first using again, he gets belligerent about seeing the kids (until he's so far gone he can't remember them, happens within a few days usually).
The last time happened just last month. He'd been out of the hospital for a month, got a job, etc. and had a few visits with the kids at his parents' house. Going well. Then suddenly he calls one FRIDAY night, says "This is my weekend" and expects to have the kids overnight. I conferred with the daughter's mother and we agreed to try it out Saturday - but the girl's mother said "I'll bet he's passed out by 8 p.m." The daughter is 12, my son is 7.
So he and his sister went to their father's house on a January Saturday morning, 9 a.m. I called later in the day to see how things were - XAH did not talk, but the kids did and said all was OK. Then, at 7 p.m., I get a call from daughter's mom - she said her daughter called her, that dad is passed out on the couch and they can't wake him, and they found a bottle of vodka. Insert expletive here.
We went over, picked up the kids, took pictures of the vodka bottle, tried to wake him (he just snored through the whole thing). I sent him a text to tell him we had the kids. Hours later I get a call from his mother, former MIL, who leaves a message saying "How dare you leave XAH in that condition." Not "OMG, are the kids ok." They tried blaming it on his heart medication (lol) and I told MIL that we found vodka, that he was drinking again, and that she should get herself some help.
I heard that XAH lost his job a couple of weeks ago. I went all CoDe and called his sister to tell her (in case he hadn't told anyone). No, he told his mother immediately, so that she could start up the family bailout machine again. I asked each of his family members to go to Al-Anon and then to stop enabling, no more money, no more help unless it's to recovery only. They AGREED. So I haven't heard anything from him in over a month. His parents went on their annual vacation south, so no way to have supervised visits (I'm not bending over backwards for him to see his kid drunk) or have them monitor him, give him money, etc. He could be drinking himself to death. He could already be dead. It's none of my business. He knows how to get help.
I'm in your shoes, Saffy, and I would do whatever I could to keep the kids safe. Ours are older so they have learned what to look out for (so sad). Yours are too young. Keep them with you, and if the court comes calling, you'll be ready.
Much love to you!
My XAH relapsed months ago. Like you said, I'm sure he ever really stopped (except during hospital detoxes). Whenever he's first using again, he gets belligerent about seeing the kids (until he's so far gone he can't remember them, happens within a few days usually).
The last time happened just last month. He'd been out of the hospital for a month, got a job, etc. and had a few visits with the kids at his parents' house. Going well. Then suddenly he calls one FRIDAY night, says "This is my weekend" and expects to have the kids overnight. I conferred with the daughter's mother and we agreed to try it out Saturday - but the girl's mother said "I'll bet he's passed out by 8 p.m." The daughter is 12, my son is 7.
So he and his sister went to their father's house on a January Saturday morning, 9 a.m. I called later in the day to see how things were - XAH did not talk, but the kids did and said all was OK. Then, at 7 p.m., I get a call from daughter's mom - she said her daughter called her, that dad is passed out on the couch and they can't wake him, and they found a bottle of vodka. Insert expletive here.
We went over, picked up the kids, took pictures of the vodka bottle, tried to wake him (he just snored through the whole thing). I sent him a text to tell him we had the kids. Hours later I get a call from his mother, former MIL, who leaves a message saying "How dare you leave XAH in that condition." Not "OMG, are the kids ok." They tried blaming it on his heart medication (lol) and I told MIL that we found vodka, that he was drinking again, and that she should get herself some help.
I heard that XAH lost his job a couple of weeks ago. I went all CoDe and called his sister to tell her (in case he hadn't told anyone). No, he told his mother immediately, so that she could start up the family bailout machine again. I asked each of his family members to go to Al-Anon and then to stop enabling, no more money, no more help unless it's to recovery only. They AGREED. So I haven't heard anything from him in over a month. His parents went on their annual vacation south, so no way to have supervised visits (I'm not bending over backwards for him to see his kid drunk) or have them monitor him, give him money, etc. He could be drinking himself to death. He could already be dead. It's none of my business. He knows how to get help.
I'm in your shoes, Saffy, and I would do whatever I could to keep the kids safe. Ours are older so they have learned what to look out for (so sad). Yours are too young. Keep them with you, and if the court comes calling, you'll be ready.
Much love to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
Hi Ali!
I can't tell you how much it helps me just to know that you are where I am too. I really can't believe the similarities between your XAH and mine. I really appreciate your advice on keeping the kids safe - they are the true innocent ones and I don't want to let them down.
Much love and stay strong,
Saffy x
I can't tell you how much it helps me just to know that you are where I am too. I really can't believe the similarities between your XAH and mine. I really appreciate your advice on keeping the kids safe - they are the true innocent ones and I don't want to let them down.
Much love and stay strong,
Saffy x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
I've seen a similar situation, and all the insane requests for face time and visitation weren't about the well-being of the little souls involved, but about punishment, control and keeping up the perfect picture.
It is so stressful to stand up against someone who just doesn't seem to think in a rational way, but you are keeping your girls safe and teach them that they deserve to be treated with nothing but love and respect. Thank you for being such a great mom
It is so stressful to stand up against someone who just doesn't seem to think in a rational way, but you are keeping your girls safe and teach them that they deserve to be treated with nothing but love and respect. Thank you for being such a great mom
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 51
You are doing the right thing to protect your girls! Our daughter is 18 months and she always runs to me because she can't depend on AH to respond consistently. Sometimes he's fun and laughs and plays, other times he barely acknowledges her. I worry about the emotional damage inflicted on our babies, even when our AHs are technically sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 51
9111111, thank you so much, I really needed to hear this today x. What you say is so right, its all about control and trying to appear like he doesn't have a problem!! The times when I have offered him a chance to see them somewhere safe, he NEVER turns up or even responds to the message!!! I just want my girls to be in a safe and loving environment, they are so young and innocent, they do not deserve the treatment we get from an addict. I find it so hard to stand up to him and also people that he manipulates, as they believe that I am playing games
ella213, so good to hear from another mummy with a tiny daughter and AH. Thank you for the support x. I, too, worry so much about emotional damage for the little ones. My AH has behaved just like yours, so unpredictable and children like things that are consistent!
ella213, so good to hear from another mummy with a tiny daughter and AH. Thank you for the support x. I, too, worry so much about emotional damage for the little ones. My AH has behaved just like yours, so unpredictable and children like things that are consistent!
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