Jbirdy

Hi I'm new here, though have lurked here from time to time. Been with Abf for about 3 years now. We've been good friends since high school but he started using heroin a few years after and we weren't in contact during that time. After two years of using he managed to get sober for about a year before asking me out. The first year and a half of our relationship was great, and then he started smoking weed again and everything changed. Maybe you guys will understand it, but to everyone else and to Abf weed is no big deal. And usually I would agree, but it honestly changed him completely. He would blow me off to smoke weed, then started getting into recreational drugs. Before this he was the most caring bf - we did everything together.

I finally had enough and was about to leave him then something tragic happened and in the heat of the moment, our daughter was conceived. He disagreed with me going through with the pregnancy and had the mother of tantrums when I decided to go through with it, even threatened to relapse. He would later tell me it was because he didn't want to stop smoking/doing recreational drugs.

Anyway, things got better and towards the end of my pregnancy, when everything seemed great (we worried a lot about finances, but received a lot of help), he relapsed. And it's been a roller coaster since then. He always goes to rehab or detox, but as soon as something doesn't go to plan, he relapses. Such as running into a friend that uses, etc. A few months ago I thought I had enough. Even during periods where he was sober, he was never home, I never got help with the baby the first two months she was born, because he'd be smoking weed with his buddies 6 or 7 hours after work. When he relapsed again and got sober again I told him I would only stay with him if he gets the naltrexone shot every month, stop smoking weed, and needs to be home 90% of the time. He agreed and it seemed like we had a really good talk. It really seemed like we turned a new leaf. We both "started over" with our relationship it seemed, and things were great. Though we've been "engaged" for awhile, I never looked up wedding stuff, but since the last few months have been going so well, I actually started planning - nothing soon just getting ideas. I felt like I was able to start letting go of a lot of resentment. Then, the doctor's office forgot to order his shot for last month, so gave him the oral medication until it came in. And of course, he relapses. And everything goes down the drain. He only used for about a week before he was able to detox again and get the shot, but I just feel completely in the dumps. And I found out he has been smoking weed this whole time. But he's been such a good/involved partner and father that I guess I just was blind to it. So I feel so betrayed. And now that he got the shot, he wants to rugsweep the last relapse and just go back to how things were. But I feel like I can't, I'm really starting to realize that this could be my life forever. I just feel like if he can get to a year sober like he was when we met, life could be good, but maybe I'm just deluding myself? What should I do different? I feel worn down and like a terrible mother. I want to try, but I don't know if I can keep doing this...

zoso77

Jbirdy...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you decided to de-lurk and share with us what's been going on with you.

Others will be by to greet you and offer you support and feedback. In the meantime, I'd like to share with you my thoughts.

When we're trying to cope with a loved ones addiction, the calculus changes as soon as children are in the mix. And that's because as soon as there are children involved, the priority becomes protecting them from the chaos and insanity that addiction causes.

From the way you describe your daughter's father, he's not in a place where he wants to quit. He, for example, gave himself permission to smoke grass, and he didn't care if you liked it or not. And every time he relapses, it is because he gives himself permission to do so. It's easier to pick up than it is to stay on the right path.

Of course, he wants to pick up and not experience any consequences. But that's not how life goes. Every decision, every action, has intended and unintended consequences.

So, knowing all of this, the question you should be asking yourself is not only what's best for you, but what is best for your daughter. And if you're going to be honest with yourself, the answer you come up with is one you're not going to like.

I'm sorry you're in this spot. But you're in a position where you can assert yourself and protect your daughter...should you choose to do so.

Hang around, learn what you can, and then do what you believe is best. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Ann

Welcome, Jbirdy, I am sorry for your situation but glad you joined us.

People do try to minimize pot use, even wanting to legalize it, but from so many of our members here and from what I see in real life, pot is a drug no better than any other. We have watched a very good friend go from occasional use of pot to using pot and whatever he can get...it IS a gateway drug and a bad drug even on its own.

I say this with love in my heart...but his attitude toward you and your baby when you were pregnant is abhorrent, his using you (and everyone else and every circumstance) as an excuse to relapse is a red flag that indicates he isn't ready to take responsibility for his own bad behaviour or stop using pot any time soon. From what you write, I see no sign of change in him and that's a very sad way for you and your baby to live your lives.

Sweetie, this doesn't have to be your life forever, and it doesn't have to be the way your dear baby is raised. If you have family support, now may be a good time to let them know how your life really is and reach out to them for help.

Hugs

Jbirdy

Thank you for the response. The "grass" is a particularly sore spot for me because smoking that is pretty much a norm around where we live and people seem to have the mentality that weed only makes people better. But to me, the 2.5 years he was sober had a lot to do with him being sober from all substances. So I felt he was really serious about recovery when he agreed to quit that as well.

I cry often thinking about how my daughter can be hurt by all of this, I know I'm supposed to protect her. It would be easy if he just decided he wants to use and I can be done with him. What kind of boundaries should I have in this sort of situation? How do I know when he's serious?

Jbirdy

Thank you Ann. You are right, no person should have been treated that way. I harbored a lot of resentment because of how I was treated during a time where I thought I was most vulnerable. I thought I was starting to let it all go, when we had our "come to jesus" talk and he agreed to quitting all substances and getting the naltrexone shot every month. I knew our relationship would never recover if I harbored resentment. But now I just feel stupid. It seemed almost like he was becoming the person he was when he was sober before, but now I see it was a lie.

zoso77

Kiddo...he will want to use for a while. His brain remembers the bliss of being on opiates and is, in some ways, egging him on. But his wanting to use isn't the issue. The issue is he's given himself permission to use.

Good questions both.

If I had a kid, and my wife was using, I wouldn't allow her anywhere near the kid until she had significant recovery under her belt. And by that I mean not just abstaining, but a change in behavior for the better that has been observed over a extended duration of time. Ultimately, you have to decide what is best for you and your daughter.