Feeling down.... Long post about nothing

Old 03-03-2015, 11:42 PM
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Feeling down.... Long post about nothing

Feeling down.

Warning. Long. Word vomit.

I'm not sure if I'm just lonely, or what, but I've been in more of a "funk" than I have been over the last few months.

I'm sure everyone is tired of my self-induced Facebook drama, but I saw X's niece post a picture of X's new gf (finance?) with cake smashed in her face. I guess it was her birthday. X's dad's wife does that to everyone--smashes a piece of cake in the face of the birthday boy/girl. So the niece captions it something like got the cake smash, now [she]'s part of the family.

I know I do this to myself because I check FB and I could block his family, but his niece has been pretty neutral. I didn't seek the post out or anything. I even appreciated a post that the gf made in defense of the niece a couple weeks ago. But this made me really upset. I usually check my FB in the hallway on the way to the restroom, and when I got in I saw myself in the mirror. My whole chest was broken out red and even on my face. I'm quite pale, and I know I blush and flush, but I hardly get to see myself in that state. Quite frankly, it freaked me out to see the physical reaction I had to it.

I know that niece's friendship with the gf has nothing to do with me, and it doesn't mean there's any change in our relationship, but I still feel like this girl has taken over what I want to be mine. She's got X and his family, and she's doing things I never got to: she had him move in, she's got him calling her daughter his step-daughter, she got to spend Christmas with him, and now she's getting cake smashed in her face.

My brain says it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. But my stupid heart won't listen.

I did get to chat with his older sister tonight. She's the one that doesn't get along with him so well, and the one whose kids I had for a bit to keep them out of the system. She said she totally understands how I have no one to talk to, because they either don't get it, or are his family. (And my two best friends either have a 1-month old girl or are delivering a baby girl sometime today. So yeah, those two are preoccupied and don't care about my whining.) The sister said she went through the same thing with her older kids' dad. She also said she sees how he sometimes hooks up with people who he wants to "help" but at the same time ones who help him. I know, and I see. He's always the first to offer up help to someone, even if it takes away from him, but he also uses other people. She also said she was glad we're broken up now, and not years down the road. And she thinks I can do better. What a shame that his own family says that. She's not the first.

I just feel really ashamed that I feel like I did 8 months ago, and I'm nowhere near getting over X. He dumped me the end of June 2014.


On the bright side, I've been "working out." Ish. I started swimming last fall because Al-Anon didn't meet until three hours after I got off work and I needed something to do with the in between time. I have to confess I stopped the Al-Anon, but I kept the swimming. At first it was a whole hour I had nothing to do but yell and scream at X in my brain, and just to think with no outside stimulation or distractions. No phone, no computer, no TV, just me and my head. Scary! (I also used to do that in the car, but now that I'm down here for work, my mom's riding with me to and from work and that time to myself got infiltrated. And there's only like 40 miles of road here, soooooo... No long drives for Aurora down here.)

Anyways, on Sunday I didn't feel like swimming but I didn't want to sit around so I drove down to the lakes and took a walk along the bike path. It's almost 1.5 miles. I actually went in my boots and got a blister, so I picked up a pair of sneakers. Pink ones! (Oh, and actually managed to say NO to the expensive pair, and got some one sale! Usually store employees make me feel guilty into buying what they recommend, which is usually the expensive option.) I went again Monday, and tonight it was too dark so I just walked around the courtyard of my apartment complex for the 1.5 miles.

I've mentioned before--I'm pretty overweight. 5'3 and 248 (god, that feels awful to type for people to see!) but down from my highest weight of 293 a few years ago. Hopefully I can stick with this "getting off my butt" thing. And I'm really trying not to take the elevator at work (4th floor) except in the mornings after walking up the hill from the parking garage. Today it was 32 floors! When I get back home I'm sure I'll still be swimming because I've got my cousins on it too, and when it's warm enough I can hop in the lake for free. And anyone can walk anywhere.

I know I have a long way to go, but it's nice to have some time to myself. I just put my music on shuffle and go. I know that its probably not great to use the time and think unhappy thoughts about X, but at least I'm doing something productive with my body. That makes more sense in my head than it does on the screen.

Ok. Not sure why I post this, much like most of my other posts. I guess if I type it, I can't forget about it later.

I just don't know how to move forward. Another poster said she had trouble accepting a glowing work review. I'm kind of in the same spot. My work is going wonderful, but I keep feeling like I'm doing something wrong. My boss even said she needs to find a way to keep me around (my job is only through April) to my mom. And I told my barber this (X's dad) tonight and he said, well yeah, of course they do! (Oh, yeah... I talked to him too. Just called for a phone number and checked to see how my work was going).

Oh, and X's celly from jail sent me a Valentine's card that I just got forwarded to me today about how great of a friend I am and how it's hard to come by someone like me.

It's like, all these people can tell me how great I'm doing at something, or how good of a friend I am, but all I can think of is how this ONE person just totally abandoned me, seemingly without a second thought. What's wrong with me?! I know I'm a great person, but I want him to know that too. UGH

Ok. Vent over. Wowwwwww sorry this was long. Yikes. Time for bed.
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Old 03-04-2015, 02:06 AM
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Auror, Hi I dont post much but I read your post and wanted to tell you you're doing ok. I had a rough breakup and know how much it hurts. In hindsight it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If I had stayed with her I would not have met my wife who is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it feels like it will never get better but trust me it will.

Have you thought about therapy. You seem stuck and a good therapist will help you with this. Good luck to you
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Old 03-04-2015, 02:55 AM
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I am sorry you are having a rough day.

My advice to you, remove or block those people on FB. I had to do this with many of my family members and some of them did nothing or said nothing but the drama would have went from them to others and back. I didn't want drama anymore.

At first it was hard, I missed their posts but just like the alcoholic or the addict that stops booze or drugs there is a grieving and withdrawal stage that has to happen so you can move on.

If it is to hard to do them all then do one a day or one a week and don't look back. I personally ripped the band-aid off in one fail swoop. That way the tears, the anger and the pain was a one time deal instead of in piece meal. Is is hard but now I can see it was me closing that door and not letting the pain sneak back in anymore.

If an addict does not close the door, they let the chaos back in and they relapse. Same goes for us. Letting the pain back in takes away our serenity in much the same way and we relapse. We go back to that vicious "why me?, whats wrong with me?, they are all moving on without me!", cycle that does not end unless we take the steps to end it.

Say a prayer and remove them. It was quite freeing to move on even though it is painful to do so.

Everything is going to be okay
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Old 03-04-2015, 05:55 AM
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Aurora, so sorry you are having a hard time. I think it is wise to delete all people associated with your x. I just deleted my own FB last night. I had previously deleted his family members but I needed more of a break as I was too tempted to put my nose where it doesn't belong. Every time I would see a post by him or tagged in a picture, it put me back at square one. Every..single...time. I went a few weeks having ups and downs then feeling a bit of peace so I looked, then BAM....the flood of feelings came back. My worrying about him, not understanding why he cut me off, etc. Just all the stuff that is not mine to worry about. All the stuff that makes me sick, and not healthy.

I'm sorry, I don't remember, but do you have Alanon or another support group in your area? I used to go to Naranon and just started Alanon a few weeks ago. I had interaction with my x and found out it was more lies so I had a terrible day, full of being upset and crying. I actually couldn't keep it together while I was sitting in the meeting..I just started to cry so I walked out. It took 10min or so but I gathered myself together and said this meeting is FOR ME. I NEED THIS. I am not going to let him negatively affect my life. I need to work on me. Maybe that would work for you, as well.

Please keep posting. I know what you mean about just typing it all out...just getting it out of your head. As with any break up, it takes time to heal. I also believe it takes time for our brain to process it. Keep your head up, you will get through this. We are here for you, you are not alone. We can all related. Hugs to you!
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Old 03-04-2015, 07:22 AM
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I just re-read and didn't catch the part about Alanon being 3 hours after work. I do think it might help to get some sort of face to face support. And I commend you on the physical exercise, that is great for the body and the mind! You are making progress!!! You will get through this. It just seems the involvement with his family is holding you back. Only you can decide what is best for you, not trying to tell you what to do, though. Take care!
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Old 03-04-2015, 07:45 AM
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Aurora,

It sounds like you are on the right track by swimming and walking, that should make you feel better. I have asked the same questions you have and not understanding why the addict would do these things to me and treat me like he did. One important thing I learned on here from this forum (I believe Zoso said it) but sick attracts sick.
You don't want to be apart of that. You deserve better than that. He will only bring you down. I know it's easier said than done but try and stay strong. Another thing that helps me is keeping a journal. It helps getting all of that anger and negativity out.
Good luck and take care!
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:09 AM
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I think it is AMAZING that you are taking charge of your health. I know for me when I am feeling down about myself, I feel that I am not worth it, I am too old, not in shape, too stupid, whatever, and then you get stuck on this one person. It happened to me before. Doing good things for myself is what's keeping me somewhat sane. My AH just relapsed and I immediately hit the bottle, stopped working out and stopped eating healthy. Briefly. Then back to AA, working out, getting myself together and I feel better. I think physical health is just as important as mental and spiritual. One day at the time. I actually started lifting weights 4 years ago. And never looked back. I don't really like cardio and found that you don't need to do alot of it. When I am mad and feel down, going to the gym, lifting something heavy and listening to my music is better then any drug/drink. The key is to do it Sounds like you are DOING it. It's a road, the way I look at it, a destination, you don't get there in 1 minute, its going to get us time. I am coming to accept that nothing is on my terms and I am not in control of anything.
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Old 03-04-2015, 08:14 AM
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aurora, i'm swimming too, the first time in my life i'm getting regular exercise. bought myself some prescription swimming goggles (so exciting ). it's been a bit of a challenge cos i get winded so easily. i also learned the alternate-breathing techniques on youtube (haha) but i'm slowly getting the hang of it now. an hour of nothing but the smell of chlorine. yum.

i don't have much to say, but just being in a similar situation as you, i wanted to offer my support. remember you are better off without him. let them be. cut those threads. we gotta swim. x
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Old 03-04-2015, 10:15 AM
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Digging your "word vomit." It helps so much to be able to get online and just write whatever comes to mind, to look for people who can empathize and sympathize with your feelings when you are feeling so alone that will affirm you are not alone! The emotions ebb and flow, from elation to absolute despair - and everything in between. It's part of the healing process, the grieving process, and it sucks the life out of you to go through an emotional roller coaster.

You feel so used and so confused about why someone who you loved and you did everything for seemingly abandoned you and is just moving on with out even turning back and you sit there, hurt, angry, confused. I get it. I have been there and go there every so often. I find myself crying at home when no one else is there for what seems to be no good reason and I'm 6 months in to leaving my ex-AH. I have been nearly no contact since Thanksgiving.

The negative emotions, the bad ones, the self loathing, low self esteem, woe is me, Ohmygod why emotions started to really become few and far between when I cut out any contact with anyone who may have contact with my ex-AH. His family wasn't isn't to shake off since none of them reached out to me when I left, but if you are a friend of a friend of a friend, forget about it. It was hard at first but I realized I couldn't move on until I got as REAL as he did. His reality is that he abandoned me for drugs, even though I technically left him, he left me a long time ago (if he was ever really with me). So I had to get real - there was no point in looking over my shoulder to see if he was OK, who he is/was seeing, whether he was getting help or not, or if he was smart enough to realize what a prize he was losing when I finally threw in the towel. I DEACTIVATED all social media - instagram, facebook gone. I would not be tempted to creep on his page, his girlfriend's page, his mom's page, his brother's page because I couldn't. I have reeled in my social network to the people who are physically in my life, who I talk to on the phone, who I have coffee with. I just act as if it doesn't exist - I don't need to know what isn't going on in my direct sphere of existence. If you aren't a part of it, there is a reason.

So, swim, walk, listen to music, create, draw, take up some random martial art or yoga... substitute your thoughts and emotions with outlets to release that energy in healthy ways and the bad stuff will start to go away.

I wish you healing - fast healing. I know it hurts. But, you are not alone and it WILL go away in time.
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Old 03-04-2015, 10:20 AM
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Side bar: I never knew I could be as happy as I am presently and that the people I have allowed into my life existed - good, straight, happy, healthy friends who don't batter and abuse and who give me attention that I don't have to ask for. It will all come once you rid yourself of the things that are taking up the space in your life that don't serve you anymore - like self destructive emotions.
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