irisgardens

glitter...glad you got yourself to a meeting...you are worth so much more than what is triggering you...and you are taking steps to do good for you and family.

i became very wary of rehab therapists when my 17 year old daughter convinced an entire staff at the outpatient rehab of a very large medical group here as well as family of origin that it was 'me' that was crazy and she was the rational one. she is 28 and still manipulating...still not me...but many others. that day, i reminded them that she was due to deliver a contract that was not yet written with only 2 weeks to go...and that i was leaving as it wasn't done...and that was what was supposed to be done...and that I would not allow her back in my home without one...so they better get cracking. The next time she went which was the 3 months before turning 18 and the entire program had changed for the better...and less manipulation. she no longer uses crystal meth...drinks however and is still manipulative and very destructive in it. Learned quite a bit with those experiences...am told they restructured the program because I set my personal boundaries...and well...she is an adult now.

glitterdeva

Is it normal to be scared to call cops? To remove him? I am just so terrified. Scared if I call I will lose him forever and he wont forgive me. Or i already lost him?

zoso77

glitter...if you feel threatened by his presence, then you need to do what you have to do. Don't future trip right now, i.e. Scared if I call I will lose him forever and he wont forgive me.

Is it normal to be scared? I think it would be scary if you weren't scared.

incitingsilence

If you stopped for a second glitter where should you be scared? Where should you be focused in this moment?


From the outside looking in, if I were to place fear it would be in that I just picked up a bottle, not in how he would react to me.

Take good care of you.

glitterdeva

Well, that's the thing. I don't feel threatened as if he is going to hurt me or the kids. He is just gonna lay in bed and not leave for a day. Then he is going to go and get high again. And like this until he dies or goes to jail. I have no choice.

His dad who never calls me just called. And said don't wait even for no days. Call cops if he doesn't leave. I feel better for some reason. So I am ready.

zoso77

OK. You'll do what you have to.

Keep us posted. And be safe.

KeepinItReal

Thinking about you today and praying for your strength and sanity! Sending you loving vibes!

hopeful4

I too am thinking about you and praying for you and your children GD. Much love and many hugs coming your way!!!

glitterdeva

Thank you, I really need it today! AH is in DC getting high, zero f given. I am of course a total mess, but ready to take action to get my life back. I am pretty sure he is fired from his job, This is no way to live, 5 years of this chit non-stop with a 'normal' week here and there. Of course, I am worried sick that he will die, since he is off subs, he cannot stop obviously and is running with some gang. The hustle is to go to big stores and steal and pawn things. So the best thing that can happen now is jail.

I don't understand how a man can do this to his family. I woke up yesterday at 3 am and picked up a pile of bills - mortgage late, cars late, bills late, all late. This man is supposed to work to help us and he just takes and takes and takes. I got so mad, you know? He is driving a car registered to my name, committing crimes, getting high and I have to pay for it. Or maybe he is already dead.

And his mother is asking me if he shows up PLEASE let him in and call his dad, as if dad has magic powers to send his 35 year old grown as* son to rehab. I can't do this. Sorry for the rant. I am hurting.

glitterdeva

Thank you so much! I just keep praying, getting on my knees and praying and breathing deeply. All I can do today, take it 30 minutes at the time. This happened because I allowed it to happen. I was a willing participant in this insanity. A part of me feels like its my fault. If I only let him back in after his 'little relapse', he would have not gotten a habit now. He texted me after his first relapse that he is scared and that he will not make it and to please let him back in. And I didn't. So he went all out on 4 day run now. I feel its my fault. And its killing me.

irisgardens

glitter...i don't know if this is the right thing to say...but you have so much ahead of you...and as i was in deep denial at your time in life (in past 15 found out it was ACA issues)--can tell you that that deep deep guilt I felt all my life...most of it wasn't mine...and I still have tons of it...but work on it.

the addicts in my life...mom, dad (only got sober after a massive stroke at 66), husband...all drinkers...alcoholics if i understand that long term drinking has that affect...and drug addicts in my teenage/adult daughters...and early drinking by one son...and now...possibly the other...have all denied having any issues...it is all me. i know i have issues...that is why i have gotten help for myself for past 20 years...therapy, alanon, naranon, support groups...and work on me...

It can get so much worse...I hope you will try to think of taking care of you and your children.

my current active heroin addict daughter does what you describe...they go to the big box stores and steal and sell to support their habit...but she is my daughter...he is your partner. i really sometimes wish (know can't change the past) that I had waked up sooner and taken more action...but it wasn't in the cards in my life. she even tried to give me a set of stolen sheets a year ago before going deeper into her addiction and when she believed that I was still so manipulable that she could make me believe anything (she told me that that was why people used me so badly...then clapped her hand over her mouth and said that she shouldn't tell me that...)--turns out she never stopped using the whole time...she was waiting out the cold and for her bf/dealer to get out of jail...i had prayed for jail and she got arrested...but ultimately they let her go...it was 6 months...the DA and Judge both tried to get her into a program...and she ended up skating...I went down for the count...emotionally sick to the point of seemingly no return...she goes no contact at the drop of a hat...even felt guilty for that...latest is last two months...but her pattern is to get warm around November-December and try to get the family to accept her dealer bf--they haven't (not the kids) and I have had to accept no contact and dad enables and does nothing helpful. I struggle with feeling like a failure...and yet...have done everything I could to the point where there is literally nothing left and starting over.

the affects of continued addiction...whether alcohol or drugs...are awful...and they often end up taking it out on the people they are supposed to care about...at least mine did...as the child of addiction...adult and aging...i have gone through much more than i can bear...and held boundaries on alcoholic and drug use...as learned one small and painful step at a time.

the 3 c's...didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it...finally came to understand them...and it is not your fault. we can't change who they are, their choices or how they live their lives. as a guilt-ridden person...most recently because I lost my job and couldn't pay all the bills...was helped by therapy and SR and also 'seeing' that my husband is unwilling to pay anything any more. He was/is a master manipulator as most addicts are...and I just want to move on...but got myself here...and need to get myself out...working my program one day at a time...one minute at a time...

I actually told my mom early in my marriage about my husband's drinking and her stance as a good christian woman was...until death do us part...but when I woke up and realized that she was a long time drinker (don't know why I didn't 'know' it and what was so bad about it for so long...took my girls drug use to get me into recovery and then I started to 'know' and understand)...grateful...and even 10 years ago...she told me the whole part about til death do us part and that wouldn't support me in a divorce...so I walked through that...no shame...no blame.

My heart is breaking for you and applauding you all at the same time! Sending you love.

KeepinItReal

I find that the addicts only see what is in front of them - and they are so damn good at blaming everyone else around them for the situation they have put themselves in. Even the way we feel about them - they brought it upon themselves with their behavior. Nothing we could have done would change that they act poorly and inappropriately while on drugs and coming off of drugs.
I pay for everything and take care of everything and worry about everything alone. They worry about things that are not helping us. It's total insanity.
I have opened up with my family about my husbands drug use and it's sad that I don't have a partner. I have an addict. Only people here would understand that. I know you sure do! It's like half husband half disappointment.

Firefall

I understand from.reading your last post, you are not at that place where you truly believe that you cannot fix him. Nor have you let go the guilt that you took ownership of.

Quote: lost it maybe for 10 minutes. But then came to my senses. Called my sponsor. I will be ok. We held each other. I wanted to just say - ok, you can no longer come here if you do I am calling cops and getting you arrested. He has no $, he has no place to live so the only other choice is detox and then long term treatment. His mom though is asking to give him until Thursday since it was his original date anyway. So he has 2 days to either go to treatment or die/go to jail/whatever.

You are powerless over his addiction. You are not responsible for his addiction.
You deserve a better life. You need to believe those things before you can move forward in strength.
Hugs and prayers for you.

Firefall

Sorry for the big bold text.. dumb thumbs

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, you cannot blame yourself. Honey I let my X come back time after time. I just wanted to believe in him so badly. Give yourself a break! It's not a character flaw to want the best in someone, it's a character flaw on their part not to be able to give that.

Keep praying. Keep your own recovery in front of everything. Move forward in knowing you have done all you can, and it's time to take care of you.

XXX

glitterdeva

Thank you all so very much! You have no idea how much this means, reading your words is like a light in the end of the tunnel. I get these waves of pain every 30 minutes or so, 15 sometimes, as am I going to make it.

@irisgardens - I cannot imagine AH being my daughter. I cannot say no to my children now, when they are under 13, although I know they are using me and playing on my emotions. I know I am supposed to say no, but I just can't. You are very tough to deal with your daughter in a healthy way. I feel that it is a process and there is no time limit on this thing. I joined this forum a while ago and I am reading it alot, I saw many patterns and similarities in my story and what I read here. Yet, I did not want to admit to myself what I was dealing with. Several members pointed out to me what will happen if I sign for AH's car, for example or if I let him come back from rehab early. I guess I had to go through this pain all the way through to come out on the other side and know what move to make next. You know, AH's mother, we are talking every day now (AH is 35) she is still in this cycle, 15 years later. He is a grown 35 year old man and he sends her a text like - mom, you are my heart, I love you, how is your day? I miss you, mom. And next text is a screeshot of his bank account, where he has negative $50 or something like that. And she transfers, every single time. I am sorry to say it, but they do, addicts do this - they don't feel when they are using, whether they are children or partners. They use us to get what they need - their drug And we want to help them, blindsided by our love, falling into this web of self-destruction. I guess that's why they say to detach - either that or its like we are addicts too, in this constant pain? This week I am shaking, anxious and can't eat and got chit load of grey hair all of the sudden. Like it was me shooting up for a week.

@Firefall - I don't know, I feel that I know that I cannot fix him, but still feel guilty for his fall, does it make sense? In this post I meant to say that I was holding his mom I haven't seen AH in several days, he is gone.

Friday keeps going through my mind. My rational mind tells me that my reaction was the result of his actions. I lost my chit completely. He has been shooting up all Dec almost every day. Finally got him shipped off to rehab. 30+ days of bliss, peace and almost no anxiety. I started feeling better, started working out again, eating better, took up an online class, got to spend time with my family. He comes back and less then a week he relapses. After a beautiful morning that we spent, after a long conversation where he looks me in the eyes and says - yes, if relapse happens i will tell you, my partner, my love, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then i find a cup of urine in his car. I just lost it and that's it. LOST IT. And in my mind I feel that if I didn't lose it and didn't kick him out, what if he didn't go on this huge run and didn't lose EVERYTHING (job, IOP, etc?). But then I also feel that no, he didn't have to go all out. He could have called his sponsor, or stayed at his family's house, he didn't have to drive to DC and say f it to his whole life. It was HIS choice, not mine. So my choice now is to move on. Not let him back here, not in the house where little girls live. Sorry, its hard to even write it. I am riding this emotional rollercoaster

@KeepinItReal - exactly -half husband and half dissapointment. AH is all or nothing kind of a guy. Me too, I finally opened up to my family without holding anything back. I am tired of lying and pretending

@hopeful4 - Thank you, I really do feel that I have done all that I can. I waited for this man from detox, then rehab, then 2 years of jail, then 2 years of drug addiction with no intimacy, then 30 days of rehab again and now another big fat relapse and he is gone. While I pay the bills, take care of his mess, kids, our dogs, house, cars, everything. I am so worn out and anxious and crazy

glitterdeva

My friend sent this to me today, guys, I haven't laughed so hard in a long time

Its my AH - BABY HUEY!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkkTbOs6pmA&app=desktop

Kelslol

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine the pain you feel right now. Take time to take it in and remember why you are doing this. Stay strong and do what is best for you!

glitterdeva

Ok, my update. I was very ready to call 911 if AH showed up. Well, after 3 days of being gone he did show up in a horrible state very late last night. He said that he couldn't drive (a car registered to my name) and basically either he dies in some car crash or can I please let him in to 'sleep it off' and make a decision. My usual self would have had half a bottle of wine by now and would have had a huge scene and drama, etc. I attribute my calm behavior to hitting rock bottom with him and myself and AA, which I am again part of. I let him in to sleep downstairs. Telling him that this is it - he has to go to long-term treatment ASAP, he is not staying here, and has to start making phone calls in the morning. Since last night he found 2 places - both long term (6 months to a year) out of state (Florida and Michigan). He is waiting for the third place to call back and he is getting on the plane.

He is leaving me a car, so I can sell it. And I get to have my peace and serenity back. That's all I know now. Oh, my job sent us an email that we are having layoffs. So here it is, all just crumbled at the same time. My Higher Power wants me to make a move, I need AH to leave so I can figure my life out. Maybe I am very stupid for letting him stay last night but I can share it here, because you guys will understand.

My plan is to also get involved in Al-anon (I kind of went to couple of meetings), as I think I am battling two addictions at once - addicted to saving AH and addicted to alcohol. There is help for both. I feel loopy, out of it and just crazy. This is all so much and so fast. But I am ready because at this point its either him or me. Thank you all so very much for support and understanding. I keep reading this forum and I know that there is hope and if I CHOSE to there is end to this suffering.

glitterdeva

Took AH to detox last night. The director raised hell saying that there is no way he is going to do bed to bed to go to inpatient (which is 90 days here where we live). It's state inpatient, with sober living afterwards. They said they will release AH in 5-7 days and then he would have to wait 2-3 months maybe for that inpatient. Not an option to wait at home.

So put him on the plane back to Florida. I don't know what's gonna happen from here. I feel clingy and depressed and just worn out. Oh, funny thing. We came to one airport and apparently rehab people booked it from a different airport. So I thought - you know, wow it is FATE. Because today is Sunday, inpatient opens tomorrow and hey, they Florida rehab can rebook the ticket for tomorrow. AH can make arrangements with 90 day place here to see if they even let him come back to our state from Florida (something tells me you have to be in detox here, since it is a state program) tomorrow morning and if they say yes, fly to Florida and stay there until then. He was yelling to drive him to this other airport to make that plane. Honestly, I didn't even get out of my car. It is what it is, he WANTS to leave himself. I just pulled up to the airport, he made his flight, he got out gave me some bs and I left.

Back to picking up pieces of my life