Lost2000

I don't even know where to begin without writing a book so i will tell my story and make it as short as possible. My husband of almost 10 years has been addicted to pain pills for over 6 years. I have caught him many times in lies and he always promised he was going to stop taking the pills. Well here I am and he is still taking them. The best I can tell, he spends between 300 to 400 dollars a month to support his addiction. We have 4 children so we really can't afford to be wasting that kind of money. We have had a car repossessed and are now file ing for bankruptcy. I do not blame all of our Finicial trouble on him but I do blame a lot of it on him. I love him so much but his addiction is starting to take it toll on me. I am tired of his up and down moods as well as his racing thoughts. It's impossible for a sober person to keep up with. Is there anyone here that can relate to my story and give me some advice? Thank you for reading!

Fate2012

Unless he wants to change, nothing positive will happen. Has he talked about going to rehab? You need to focus on you and the children.
My AH has relapsed lot's of times and I'm just done with the lies and betrayal. There is only so much a person can take.
Prayers!

Lost2000

He says he does not need rehab. I simply can't believe I am in this position to begin with. I see the good in him yet the addiction has created a monster. I don't have anyone to talk to about this terrible situation so it's nice that I can talk on this site. He is active in our community and no one has a clue about this issue. So that's the boat I am in right now. Thank you so much for reading and responding! It means a lot!

Lost2000

Fate, are you still with him or have you left?

zoso77

Lost, I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting, so Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for everything that's been going on, but grateful that you've come to us and took the time to post.

Before I give you feedback, I'd like to comment on the absurdity of this statement:

Really? So with 4 children, he's spending $300-$400/month on pills, you've had a car repossessed, and you're filing for bankruptcy. But he insists he doesn't need rehab?

When you see his lips moving, remember from this moment on that he's full of crap, and therefore don't believe anything he says.

Unfortunately, you can't make him go to rehab. You can't make him do anything. But you can do things to manage yourself and protect your children.

We are fortunate to have a lot of women in this corner of SR who've been through similar situations to yours. Their knowledge and their wisdom will be of great help to you. They will pipe in during the day. When they do, pay attention to what they share with you. Once you fully know and understand the monster you're up against, you can make the best decisions possible, both for yourself and for your children.

Hang in there. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Fate2012

Lost,

I kicked him out in December b/c of all of the emotional damage he had caused including having an affair with someone in his NA group.
I met with an attorney yesterday to start the process. I tried so hard to make it work but he was not interested. He just wants to be selfish and do what he wants when he wants. I still cry everyday but I do know I deserve better and my kids don't need to be around him. I'm here for you if you need to talk-I know what your going through! It sucks and it hurts and some days are better than others.

Lost2000

Zoso,
Thank you so much for your kind words and incouragement!! It's amazing how much better I feel just to simply talk about my situation and finding supporting people here! I use to believe every word that came out of his mouth. Over the year, he has made me a very bitter person towards him so I question everything that he says now. If he tell me the sky is blue, I assume that it's green. It has taken me a long time to make since of my feelings. For a log time, I felt horrible for not believing him and the resist meant that I have towards him. I know now that it is because of the decisions he has made that has made me feel the way I do. I have begged him to stop or I was going to divorce him. That only worked for several months and then he was right back at it. I am so confused as to what I need to do! I know that I would be a better person if I didn't have to deal with an addict everyday but at the same time, that would mean ripping our family apart.
It was so nice to meet you and thank you again for taking time to reply to my post!! Take care and god bless!!

Lost2000

Fate,
My heart goes out to you girl!!! I know exactly what you are saying by the emotional damage he has caused. There are days that I can not think correctly because I am mentally exhausted! I just don't understand why people fall into addiction especially those that have a family to take care of.
I will be thinking about you! Please know that I will be sending you positive vibes in this tough time you are going through. Take care and stay strong!!! You are doing what I know in my heart I should be doing as well.

hopeful4

Hello. I wish I knew the answers, but I wanted to drop in and say hello and let you know we do truly understand. XXX

BlueChair

Hi Lost,

Sorry for what brings you here. Its crazy what addiction does. My husband was incredibly sick and still didnt think he needed help. One thing to remember is the mind often lies to them too. They often cant see how u healthy its all become, and even when they know its a problem, the ideas they mignt have about cutting back, making small changes arent always effective because its not based on rational thought where drugs are concerned. Not to mention after years of use the thought of no longer using a pill, is like thinking how can I live without water or air.

With my husband, family and friends all had to work together to support a plan of action that would encourage him to get help. Theres lots of different things out there to help these days.

You do need to take care of yourself, and having a way to express your feelings I hope will make you feel better.

Have you ever heard of Community Reinforcement and Family Training ? Ive been using this for a while now and its designed to do two things. Help you take good care of yourself, and teach you ways to better communicate with a substance abuser, encourage and motivate them on their own path of change, positive communication skills, positive and negative reinforcements to substance abuse behaviors. I like it, and its helping me so I like to share about it.

One thing I think is important is having support of at least a couple friends or family. Have you shared your feelings with anyone close to you? His addiction doesnt make him a bad person, but I know its hard to share this type of thing because it feels very personal. Im assuming theres no violence in your home, your safe right?

((Cyber hugs)) to you and a big welcome.

zoso77

You learn fast.

The only thing I can tell you is you have to follow your own moral and ethical compass. And that's a hard thing to do when you're confronted with someone you love behaving this way, especially when it's a spouse.

So, learn what you're dealing with, and then using your moral and ethical compass, make decisions based on what you're wiling (and not willing to tolerate), mindful that your decisions also impact your children.

auroraxborealis

So true.

I still believe my X is a good man with a bad problem. Not everyone gets that. And that's their right.

Those who get it are his family. I can't keep doing that to him. They are his family, not mine, no matter how much they had been at one point.

It's hard for me to talk about him with my friends because they just don't get it.

It's really difficult when those who I want to turn to aren't available to confide in. People understand at SR. Most of them have been there. Welcome.

incitingsilence

The person is the person, good or evil ... the addiction part of the person all one in the same.

Lost2000

To all my friends that replyed.... Yes I am safe and there is no violence in our home. I know he is a good person. When I married him, he was not addicted to the pain pills so I remember the person he was before the addiction took him over and I want that person back more than anything! But as time is going on, I question if that person is gone for good. I guess only time will tell. I honestly don't want to give up on him but at the same time, I don't think it's fair that I have to live an longer with an addict that sees no reason to change. See why I am so confused? It plays mind games with me and I am back and forth with emotions.
I hope everyone has a great day! Take care!! Thanks again for your support!!

pacificsunrise

Hi Lost and welcome to the board. Glad that you have found us and sorry that you had to come here.

Many here understand completely where you are coming from. I was in your situation about 4 years ago. I decided to leave my AH with our 2 kids while I was pregnant with our 3rd. At the time my AH was using cocaine (and whatever else that I don't know about). It wasn't an easy decision for me, but now after 4 years I am finally at peace with it. My AH is still doing drugs, has not asked for visitation rights to see his kids and has not spent any time with them in 4 yrs.

At the time of my leaving, I thought that there was no way that he would risk losing his family over drugs, but I was wrong. He is still functioning, has a job, and pretty much doing all the same things that he was doing while we were together.

My main motivator in leaving were my kids. They deserve better than to be around someone who is using drugs and gets high. I did not want them growing up thinking that drug use was normal just because it was normal in their home. I will do anything in my power to ensure that they live in a drug free and loving home.

I am not trying to tell you that you should leave or stay. That is your decision to make. I do recommend educating yourself about the addiction, reading as much as you can and understanding the pros and cons of decisions in regard to addiction. Whatever you decide to do, know that we are always here to talk, listen, even when you just want to vent. Having SR in my situation has helped me beyond words. And I am truly grateful for all support I get here.

Welcome. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

zoso77

You are not confused.

You are conflicted. There is a difference.

On the one hand, you know the status quo is untenable, and living with an addict under these conditions is not something you want. On the other hand:

The key word here is want.

In this life, what we want and what is best for us (and our children) are often orthogonal to each other. There are times that we're forced to do something we don't want to do. But sometimes, we have to.

Mind you, I'm not telling you to leave or stay. What I am telling you is confusion is not the same as being conflicted, and sometimes we don't get what we want.

What you have to decide is whether you are truly prepared to ride this out with him. And if you are, how does that impact your 4 kids, and does that change your decision.

Only you can answer that.

BlueChair

I see why your confused. In our Craft program we talk a lot about ambivalence. We as a family member can be at an emotional place where we both want to get away from the relationship, yet we also want to stay for various reasons. Our loved ones can also face ambivalence when they are using substances. At times they may want to stop, and other times not. Change is a crooked road for all of us. One thing we do is look at what we call a Happiness Scale. There are two. One to look at your own level of happiness in life, and the other to look at areas of happiness in your relationship. There are a set of exercises and if you would like more on it just send me a pm, maybe I can get you some examples to look at.
Does your husband suffer any negative effects of his drug use? I have a friend here on SR who used prescription pills, and has stopped now but was told although the addiction was obvious, there were not many visible consequences, work was ok, relationships were ok. Money was ok too bit when this person looked at the amount spent it was some motivation. It can get complicated boosting oneself out of the pattern of using for sure.

Im happy to know your safe!

least

It would seem the whole family suffers negative effects from his using. Bankruptcy, car being repossessed, and spending money on drugs while the family has to do without. Sounds pretty negative to me.

BlueChair

To clarify my thought process, what I was reading (possible in error on my part) was Lost wasnt putting all the blame for financial issues on the drug use. My personal experience has taught me sometimes overall financial problems, career issues, any major personal crisis can prompt a person to use more drugs as a means to cope with overwhelming emotions, and situations. So I wasnt sure what came first sorta like the chicken or the egg type thing.

Whitewingeddove

Lost, 26.5 years ago I fell utterly head over heels in love with a crack cocaine addict. We had great times and we went through hell and back. In between we had a beautiful baby boy and a couple years later we got married. More hell, sleepiness nights when he never came home, my little boy stopped asking where daddy was, because this was his "normal".

Over the next several years when he " didn't need help from people who hadn't been there, and had only gotten their knowledge from reading books" we went through periods of abstinence and then back to hell. This went on for years...I kept thinking if I loved him and supported him enough...he could get better.

Finally in late 2005 he went to detox for 15 days, rehab for 30, and did IOP for another several weeks. Aside from one "slip" in the summer of 06, he has never touched it since.

Happy ending right? You would think, but about a year or so later, that "beautiful baby boy" (the one soooooo pissed at his dad for using drugs) started his own dark path down the road of addiction. He's currently 23, and a convicted felon, AWOL from his probation and if they ever pick him up on his warrants for failure to appear on a vop for a dirty UA, he will be facing his original 3-7 year sentence for robbing a convenience store with a broken bb gun when he was 18 years old because he was strung out and jonesing for more crack.

If that's not sad enough, he has a beautiful baby girl who just turned two with a father who has since graduated to heroin, and a mom who's an addict as well...but I digress...

I lost myself years ago to codependency and I worry I may have lost my son for good as well. I love my RAH with all my heart.I am incredibly proud of him and how he's turned his life around! I truly am!!! But in my darkest moments, I wonder....I wonder how my weakness and inability to leave has impacted my son? Did I cause this? Did my lack of action back then contribute to where my only son has wound up today???

All questions I try not to think about too frequently... Its a very dark place to go, hard questions to sit with, and at the end of the day, immaterial, because I can't turn back the clock. None of us can. So I suppose the answers truly don't matter.

Sorry to ramble, I guess my point is this. Take care of yourself...take care of your precious babies! Put yourselves first and foremost. Even "happy endings" can leave ugly nasty scars that may never heal. There are so mamany things we second guess ourselves about as parents, but some things are so dark, we should never have to question later on if we can possibly help it!

Thinking of you. I do feel your pain! I get it. So many of us do. Keep sharing...it helps! Hope I haven't come across too harshly! Take care!