Don't know what to do with 18 yo step daughter
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston,MA
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Don't know what to do with 18 yo step daughter
Hi everyone,
I'm new here searching for advice. My husband and I have his 18 yr old daughter living with us. Long story short, she and her bf were full blown heroin addicts living together. He goes to jail, she goes to short 4 day detox. After detox she comes to live with us. Gets a job working at my husband's company where he knows where she is at, goes to outpatient rehab for a month. She seems to be doing great. We are wary but she looks good, eats good, acts good so we try to be optimistic.
She gets her car back (her mom is in control of the car) and this is where things change. She slowly starts becoming secretive. Tells us she is going to hang out with her sister but come to find out this is a partial truth. She is back with her user friends.
Then we find out that she OD'd parked in her car in a parking lot. 911 was called. She was revived without any drugs, brought to ER and released. She came home that night like nothing happened. We had no idea. We were told from one of her friends that uses that that was the second overdose for her in a week.
The night we find out, her mom comes to our house and us three confront her (we do not get along with the mom). She is in total denial yet hysterical. Finally relents and we find her huge stash of used syringes in her bag. We suspect she had used in our house two nights prior and at her mother's the night before. She says she is fine, doesn't need detox, doesn't need rehab. She can quit on her own. We tell her she needs to go back to the meetings, she says ok but nothing ever happens.
Two weeks later, more evidence she is still using after getting her car back again (I was unaware she was getting it back). Her dad confronts her and she gets angry, tells him she's leaving. He tells her take a drug test and if she passes, he will believe her and apologize. She refuses so he takes her key and lets her leave. She eventually goes to her moms.
So much more to this story but I'm trying not to write a book. Let me back up a bit to she is a very immature 18 yo. The thought of her living on her own is scary, even if sober. I don't think she would have a clue what to do. It is my feeling she stunted her emotional growth by abusing drugs at an early age. She doesn't pay rent or any bills to speak of, her mother takes care of her car. Up until she got the job after detox, she didn't work. She was living with bf and being supported by BF's family.
So now here we are, we believe she is using again and don't know what to do. We told her mother that we would like to tell her she is not allowed to live here if she does not submit to drug testing. We want to know if she is actively using and if so, she needs to do something to get clean. We aren't going to support her drug use. We also want her to start contributing monetarily. One reason, so she has some responsibilities and two so she doesn't have a ton of cash to blow on drugs.
Other than us and her mom she has nowhere to live. So if her mom is on the same page, than we have some ability to enforce what goes on in our households. But her mom doesn't want to do it, any of it. She actually stated if we do that she believes we are doing it so we can "pawn the problem off onto her."
The EX cries to my husband about how sick with worry she is and what can we do, blah blah blah but has no suggestions. I took the locks off my step daughter's bedroom door, I go through her room to make sure there is no drug paraphernalia in it. I check her phone to see who's she's hanging out with (it's on my plan.) In short, I OPEN MY EYES!!
Her mom closes hers. She would rather go to work, never be home, let us deal with her daughter and hope it goes away. I know if my stepdaughter does go back to live at her mom's, she will be unsupervised and basically live her life as if she was on her own but without any of the responsibilities. So her money from her well paying, 40 hr per week job will go right into her veins.
At the moment, she is functional. She goes to work, comes home at night, basically seems almost like normal but we know it's going to suck her back in and drag her back down. I can't sit by knowing she's using and pretend it's not happening, especially with her living in my house.
While she is 18 and has rights, she is very immature and I fear for her living on her own. I honestly don't think she would know what to do. I would say her emotional age is 15-16. So laying down our rules I think would help to get her back on her feet and seeing some sort of future.
With no support from her mother, sending her back there would also cause her to spiral out of control.
So I guess I'm looking for anyone with insight, advice, suggestions or even constructive criticism. There are two other slightly older siblings, one is helpful (more so than her mother!!) the other is a bit more out of the picture and frustrated with the situation.
For the record, this post is all written as my point of view but my husband and I are on the same page. The issue is really with the mother.
So, thanks for listening and for any help you may have!
I'm new here searching for advice. My husband and I have his 18 yr old daughter living with us. Long story short, she and her bf were full blown heroin addicts living together. He goes to jail, she goes to short 4 day detox. After detox she comes to live with us. Gets a job working at my husband's company where he knows where she is at, goes to outpatient rehab for a month. She seems to be doing great. We are wary but she looks good, eats good, acts good so we try to be optimistic.
She gets her car back (her mom is in control of the car) and this is where things change. She slowly starts becoming secretive. Tells us she is going to hang out with her sister but come to find out this is a partial truth. She is back with her user friends.
Then we find out that she OD'd parked in her car in a parking lot. 911 was called. She was revived without any drugs, brought to ER and released. She came home that night like nothing happened. We had no idea. We were told from one of her friends that uses that that was the second overdose for her in a week.
The night we find out, her mom comes to our house and us three confront her (we do not get along with the mom). She is in total denial yet hysterical. Finally relents and we find her huge stash of used syringes in her bag. We suspect she had used in our house two nights prior and at her mother's the night before. She says she is fine, doesn't need detox, doesn't need rehab. She can quit on her own. We tell her she needs to go back to the meetings, she says ok but nothing ever happens.
Two weeks later, more evidence she is still using after getting her car back again (I was unaware she was getting it back). Her dad confronts her and she gets angry, tells him she's leaving. He tells her take a drug test and if she passes, he will believe her and apologize. She refuses so he takes her key and lets her leave. She eventually goes to her moms.
So much more to this story but I'm trying not to write a book. Let me back up a bit to she is a very immature 18 yo. The thought of her living on her own is scary, even if sober. I don't think she would have a clue what to do. It is my feeling she stunted her emotional growth by abusing drugs at an early age. She doesn't pay rent or any bills to speak of, her mother takes care of her car. Up until she got the job after detox, she didn't work. She was living with bf and being supported by BF's family.
So now here we are, we believe she is using again and don't know what to do. We told her mother that we would like to tell her she is not allowed to live here if she does not submit to drug testing. We want to know if she is actively using and if so, she needs to do something to get clean. We aren't going to support her drug use. We also want her to start contributing monetarily. One reason, so she has some responsibilities and two so she doesn't have a ton of cash to blow on drugs.
Other than us and her mom she has nowhere to live. So if her mom is on the same page, than we have some ability to enforce what goes on in our households. But her mom doesn't want to do it, any of it. She actually stated if we do that she believes we are doing it so we can "pawn the problem off onto her."
The EX cries to my husband about how sick with worry she is and what can we do, blah blah blah but has no suggestions. I took the locks off my step daughter's bedroom door, I go through her room to make sure there is no drug paraphernalia in it. I check her phone to see who's she's hanging out with (it's on my plan.) In short, I OPEN MY EYES!!
Her mom closes hers. She would rather go to work, never be home, let us deal with her daughter and hope it goes away. I know if my stepdaughter does go back to live at her mom's, she will be unsupervised and basically live her life as if she was on her own but without any of the responsibilities. So her money from her well paying, 40 hr per week job will go right into her veins.
At the moment, she is functional. She goes to work, comes home at night, basically seems almost like normal but we know it's going to suck her back in and drag her back down. I can't sit by knowing she's using and pretend it's not happening, especially with her living in my house.
While she is 18 and has rights, she is very immature and I fear for her living on her own. I honestly don't think she would know what to do. I would say her emotional age is 15-16. So laying down our rules I think would help to get her back on her feet and seeing some sort of future.
With no support from her mother, sending her back there would also cause her to spiral out of control.
So I guess I'm looking for anyone with insight, advice, suggestions or even constructive criticism. There are two other slightly older siblings, one is helpful (more so than her mother!!) the other is a bit more out of the picture and frustrated with the situation.
For the record, this post is all written as my point of view but my husband and I are on the same page. The issue is really with the mother.
So, thanks for listening and for any help you may have!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
B2J,
I don't post a lot but really relate to your situation. It must be a scary situation. I know you said she is functional now but I doubt that will last. Is your husband comfortable with her continuing to work with his company while using? I know you think it is cruel to turn her away at her age but another perspective could be that if she was on her own she may tire of that lifestyle faster. Have you read "Let Me Fall"? That really helped me when I had to make some tough decisions.
I don't post a lot but really relate to your situation. It must be a scary situation. I know you said she is functional now but I doubt that will last. Is your husband comfortable with her continuing to work with his company while using? I know you think it is cruel to turn her away at her age but another perspective could be that if she was on her own she may tire of that lifestyle faster. Have you read "Let Me Fall"? That really helped me when I had to make some tough decisions.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
B2J...
Welcome to the Board. I am your neighbor from the Merrimack Valley.
Some of the most heartbreaking stories we see here are stories like this. When teenagers get involved with hard drugs, I don't see what could be worse for their parents. Unfortunately, your stepdaughter's mother is part of the problem.
So, a couple of things that may be of help.
SR recently started a new forum specifically for family members of addicts and alcoholics. We have a lot of resident moms here in various stages of recovery, and they are amongst the wisest, most empathetic women you will ever meet. You'll find them here: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
They do post here as well, but I think the new forum would be really, really good for you.
The second thing I encourage you to consider is finding and attending a Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting local to you. The Boston area is full of them at various times of day, 7 days a week. In person support at this stage, I believe, is really important. Its important for both you and your husband, her father, that you're not alone. That others have been where you are.
If you're interested in attending Al Anon meetings north of Boston, shoot me a PM and I can direct you to some good ones that would be a (fairly) short drive.
I'm heartbroken to read about your stepdaughter. She, you and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers this evening. And again, Welcome to SR.
Welcome to the Board. I am your neighbor from the Merrimack Valley.
Some of the most heartbreaking stories we see here are stories like this. When teenagers get involved with hard drugs, I don't see what could be worse for their parents. Unfortunately, your stepdaughter's mother is part of the problem.
So, a couple of things that may be of help.
SR recently started a new forum specifically for family members of addicts and alcoholics. We have a lot of resident moms here in various stages of recovery, and they are amongst the wisest, most empathetic women you will ever meet. You'll find them here: NEW! Family Members of Addicts and Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
They do post here as well, but I think the new forum would be really, really good for you.
The second thing I encourage you to consider is finding and attending a Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting local to you. The Boston area is full of them at various times of day, 7 days a week. In person support at this stage, I believe, is really important. Its important for both you and your husband, her father, that you're not alone. That others have been where you are.
If you're interested in attending Al Anon meetings north of Boston, shoot me a PM and I can direct you to some good ones that would be a (fairly) short drive.
I'm heartbroken to read about your stepdaughter. She, you and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers this evening. And again, Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
B2J,
I am in a rush right now, but will write more here later today. I am the mother of a 21 year old heroin addict daughter who has been in recovery for 8 months. I have been in your shoes, and continue to be. This is a lifelong affliction.
Please find a NarAnon meeting to go to--the parents there will know LOTS of things about resources and rehabs in your area. She really needs to be in an inpatient rehab as soon as you can get her to one!
More later !
GardenMama
I am in a rush right now, but will write more here later today. I am the mother of a 21 year old heroin addict daughter who has been in recovery for 8 months. I have been in your shoes, and continue to be. This is a lifelong affliction.
Please find a NarAnon meeting to go to--the parents there will know LOTS of things about resources and rehabs in your area. She really needs to be in an inpatient rehab as soon as you can get her to one!
More later !
GardenMama
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston,MA
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Jaeger 
B2J,
I don't post a lot but really relate to your situation. It must be a scary situation. I know you said she is functional now but I doubt that will last. Is your husband comfortable with her continuing to work with his company while using? I know you think it is cruel to turn her away at her age but another perspective could be that if she was on her own she may tire of that lifestyle faster. Have you read "Let Me Fall"? That really helped me when I had to make some tough decisions.
I don't post a lot but really relate to your situation. It must be a scary situation. I know you said she is functional now but I doubt that will last. Is your husband comfortable with her continuing to work with his company while using? I know you think it is cruel to turn her away at her age but another perspective could be that if she was on her own she may tire of that lifestyle faster. Have you read "Let Me Fall"? That really helped me when I had to make some tough decisions.
Thanks for taking the time to post your replies!
Yes, at the moment we are both comfortable with her working there. Since she has her own money, she isn't at that stage of stealing (and she has been there before when she had no job). Her supervisor is aware of the situation, and in fact has personal similar experience so is actually keeping an eye on her. So we all feel good about her being there bc it keeps her out of trouble. There hasn't been any issues with work except for cell phone use. I did some digging on the bill and realized she must have been setting up her deals for after work, I can see many repeat, 1 min calls to the same numbers that are not local. Calls to these numbers are always straight to voice mail. I suspect they are track phones, they are far away area codes, some out of state. I've actually blocked these numbers from her line. She was mad but we told her we aren't paying for her to go do drug deals. I know she'll find another way but I'm not going to make it easy. I'd rather her not have a phone at all but we have been advise by counselors that it's one way to track them down in the event they disappear.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston,MA
Posts: 8
thanks for the replies everyone. I have been looking into the Al/Nar Anon groups. I am not new to trauma in my life, so I've had some previous experiences with coping skills, etc. My own mother became very ill when I was a teen, it was touch and go for a year or so before she started to recover. However her recovery left her paralyzed and alone and clinically depressed. As I was starting my adult life, she was trying to take hers. I'm happy to say she never succeeded but my point is that I have a pretty strong backbone and I'm not one to crumple easily. I learned to cope with stressful, seemingly impossible situations pretty well. But I'm not invincible!
I just feel totally frustrated with how to deal with my stepdaughter's mother. I know I have control over my own home, but I have none when it comes to her household. There is no reasoning with this woman, she always turns it around somehow that my husband is trying to pin the problem on her.
I guess I feel "comfortable" (I use that term very loosely) in what we have to do with my stepdaughter. I am not in a position where I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, I won't let this destroy my life. But it's easier for me to take that step back than it is for her dad. He was an emotional wreck after telling her she can't stay here if she is using, worrying that she will go OD. I told him we have two choices:
1) Draw a line and lay down these rules. It may work, she may seek help. Or, it may backfire and she could OD again. But we did something, we tried.
2) Or, do nothing and let it continue. She will just get worse and could very well still OD. Now you have to live with the guilt that you didn't do anything.
I do have some good news. I'm trying to be optimistic but I honestly feel like this is a band-aid and isn't going to do much.
We had a talk with my stepdaughter last night and told her we don't want her to leave but we won't support her if she's using. Our conditions are that we can drug test her whenever we want because she has only proven to us that she lies about her using. And she has to go back to meetings. She actually agreed. Yayy!!! After further discussion, I came to the conclusion that during her last rehab stint, the counselor was tough on her. I feel she went into it like she was going back to high school. She showed up, did the minimal amount of work requested and then left it behind her when she walked out the door. She was very upset about going back to this particular place. She refused to tell us why until last night, she said the counselor was "a dick." We suspected someone there made her uncomfortable so after some prodding she said he always told her she wasn't trying. My guess is he also challenged her with something along the lines of, "I'll see you back here, I guarantee it." And she probably pushed back saying nope, not gonna happen. Now she has to face up to the reality of it. I thought my husband was going to tell her it's ok you can go somewhere else but he didn't. And I don't want her to. I want her to be humbled a bit and challenge her invincible status. Otherwise she will just skim through somewhere different.
Another positive side to this is she says she isn't using enough right now to need detox. I'm not sure how that really works but we do know she isn't using as hard as she used to, we can just visually determine that. But still, using is using. I pay attention to her comments about how she feels. I think I have educated myself more about withdrawal symptoms that she has. She tells me about her aches and pains and digestive problems, etc. I see them as mild symptoms, she just attributes it to - I don't know - oblivious teenage la la land.
So for the moment, and this kind of life is all about moments, we are feeling somewhat steady. I don't know what term to use. I don't feel good, I don't feel optimistic but I don't feel doomed. Thanks for your well wishes and support. Listening to others does help!
I just feel totally frustrated with how to deal with my stepdaughter's mother. I know I have control over my own home, but I have none when it comes to her household. There is no reasoning with this woman, she always turns it around somehow that my husband is trying to pin the problem on her.
I guess I feel "comfortable" (I use that term very loosely) in what we have to do with my stepdaughter. I am not in a position where I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, I won't let this destroy my life. But it's easier for me to take that step back than it is for her dad. He was an emotional wreck after telling her she can't stay here if she is using, worrying that she will go OD. I told him we have two choices:
1) Draw a line and lay down these rules. It may work, she may seek help. Or, it may backfire and she could OD again. But we did something, we tried.
2) Or, do nothing and let it continue. She will just get worse and could very well still OD. Now you have to live with the guilt that you didn't do anything.
I do have some good news. I'm trying to be optimistic but I honestly feel like this is a band-aid and isn't going to do much.
We had a talk with my stepdaughter last night and told her we don't want her to leave but we won't support her if she's using. Our conditions are that we can drug test her whenever we want because she has only proven to us that she lies about her using. And she has to go back to meetings. She actually agreed. Yayy!!! After further discussion, I came to the conclusion that during her last rehab stint, the counselor was tough on her. I feel she went into it like she was going back to high school. She showed up, did the minimal amount of work requested and then left it behind her when she walked out the door. She was very upset about going back to this particular place. She refused to tell us why until last night, she said the counselor was "a dick." We suspected someone there made her uncomfortable so after some prodding she said he always told her she wasn't trying. My guess is he also challenged her with something along the lines of, "I'll see you back here, I guarantee it." And she probably pushed back saying nope, not gonna happen. Now she has to face up to the reality of it. I thought my husband was going to tell her it's ok you can go somewhere else but he didn't. And I don't want her to. I want her to be humbled a bit and challenge her invincible status. Otherwise she will just skim through somewhere different.
Another positive side to this is she says she isn't using enough right now to need detox. I'm not sure how that really works but we do know she isn't using as hard as she used to, we can just visually determine that. But still, using is using. I pay attention to her comments about how she feels. I think I have educated myself more about withdrawal symptoms that she has. She tells me about her aches and pains and digestive problems, etc. I see them as mild symptoms, she just attributes it to - I don't know - oblivious teenage la la land.
So for the moment, and this kind of life is all about moments, we are feeling somewhat steady. I don't know what term to use. I don't feel good, I don't feel optimistic but I don't feel doomed. Thanks for your well wishes and support. Listening to others does help!
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
thanks so much for your thoughtful and thought provoking update B2J. i really got a lot out of it and i'm glad there seems to be progress in getting through to your stepdaughter.
but mostly it is so nice to hear you don't feel doomed! it's difficult for me to keep my son's desperation from dragging me down at times. and i really relate to what you said here.
letting the good moments steady my emotions seems to strengthen me...
keep posting! we're 'listening' and i for one need to hear how others are coping and feeling...
sending good thoughts!
but mostly it is so nice to hear you don't feel doomed! it's difficult for me to keep my son's desperation from dragging me down at times. and i really relate to what you said here.
Originally Posted by B2J
So for the moment, and this kind of life is all about moments, we are feeling somewhat steady.
keep posting! we're 'listening' and i for one need to hear how others are coping and feeling...
sending good thoughts!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Boston,MA
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by zoso77
B2J...
Welcome to the Board. I am your neighbor from the Merrimack Valley.
.
Welcome to the Board. I am your neighbor from the Merrimack Valley.
.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by B2J
Hi, I tried to PM you but I need to write a few more posts for it to allow me to. We are closer neighbors than you think, I'm from MV too. My town has the "honor" of the 2nd highest number of overdoses in MA. Lucky us.
Look forward to hearing from you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
B2J--this may sound odd...but both of your updates have been very good...I am on my 3rd child as an active addict (TYG that the previous 2 chose to lead functional lives...still lots of issues...but they work, are taking care of the kids that had, and I am adjusting to being the scapegoat (again) after seeing a therapist for the past several months)--it has ended up being 19 years of serial use by one daughter after another.
As a step-mother, you are being awesome...unfortunately in the step situations...it is a more common situation than I would have known about 4-5 years ago...with the step mother working to 'help' and set boundaries and do the right things without enabling and the biological mother in denial and continued enabling.
I hope you will also visit the new forum that Zoso mentioned...as you will find lots of us who are in the same boat...different stages of the journey.
I finally was so broken down last October that I found a f2f naranon meeting...it has helped SO very much...and I know that my therapist wants me to do alanon as well...the theory being that the more meetings I do...the better my recovery can be...so I have that on the action plan...although haven't gotten there yet.
You have good boundaries which is good...and everything you mentioned are things I did with my older girls under guidance and suggestions of therapists...didn't know about SR then but glad I do now.
Take good care.
As a step-mother, you are being awesome...unfortunately in the step situations...it is a more common situation than I would have known about 4-5 years ago...with the step mother working to 'help' and set boundaries and do the right things without enabling and the biological mother in denial and continued enabling.
I hope you will also visit the new forum that Zoso mentioned...as you will find lots of us who are in the same boat...different stages of the journey.
I finally was so broken down last October that I found a f2f naranon meeting...it has helped SO very much...and I know that my therapist wants me to do alanon as well...the theory being that the more meetings I do...the better my recovery can be...so I have that on the action plan...although haven't gotten there yet.
You have good boundaries which is good...and everything you mentioned are things I did with my older girls under guidance and suggestions of therapists...didn't know about SR then but glad I do now.
Take good care.
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