Confused. Not sure if making right decision
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Confused. Not sure if making right decision
Hi, family. So here I am not sure what to do once again. AH is in rehab. He went for 40 days (week of detox and then inpatient). Inpatient is going to be over soon and I am scared. His cousin died of heroin overdose couple of days ago, it hit me hard. They go to the same place to get it and did together in the past. He was 2 years older then AH.
From the time he left, I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. I feel in peace knowing that he is not using, that he is recovering and in good health. I do get anxiety probably couple of times a day, usually over something stupid (like what I posed I thought that he left because his card was charged, but it actually was legit). I struggled with the fact that he called me every day and I felt obligated to pick up the phone. Then something changed. This is what I got from what he and his therapist told me. Do you think I am being lied to?
First of all, his therapist was supposed to leave to get a better job in some other place a week before AH was supposed to leave. She told me that. However, she was 'let go' earlier because according to him she was advocating for patients rights too much. AH said that the director told everyone she accepted the job earlier, but they don't buy it. Without going into whole lot of detail, the rehab advertised that they can detox a person from suboxone along with everything else. Come to find out this was not the case and this therapist basically had to pressure medical stuff for 'comfort meds' (like sleeping aid, immodium, etc) Honestly, I DONT CARE. I don't care how he recovers there, but I spoke to the therapist several times and I had no reason to not believe her.
Anyway, so AH tells me that he decided to share EVERYTHING, all the horrible stuff he did and it changed something inside him and he had a spiritual experience. And then he went basically to tell me how he knows what to do, etc. Honestly, about spiritual experience, ok, I mean I don't know, but I don't really believe everything else, just because I already heard it 100 times. Maybe he means it, but until I SEE it, I am not buying it. What makes it difficult is that this therapist basically tells me how AH is doing so good, how he is honest, and how he shared so much, and how he loves me, and she sees just this huge amount of progress. So she thinks that he needs to go home after these 40 days and do 6 months of IOP + get a sponsor and work recovery program for the rest of his life.
If AH told me this, I would say - you are trying to play me, to come home, so stay there longer, I don't know 90 days, 6 months, a year. I don't know how long. But this comes from the therapist. She says that he needs to stop being scared, he is ready, go get your recovery on.
I feel terrified that he will come back, relapse and die. Like his cousin. He is not on any meds now, detoxed from sub, he says himself next time if he does it he will die.
Now the therapist is gone and they assigned someone else to AH. I am going to talk to them tomorrow. I don't know. Yes, it is hard to do everything alone. But this horrible anxiety and PTSD kind of state of mind is not present most of the time. AH said that if I want him to, he will transition to sober living there, but if he wanted to get high he can get high there too. He said its his choice and he chooses sobriety and i just have to let him drive.
I am thinking if I do let him come back, I want him to sign my separation agreement, so if the crazy train starts, I will have ground to stand on and ask him to leave. I honestly do not know how I lived with him using all this time.
Sorry if this is long
From the time he left, I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders. I feel in peace knowing that he is not using, that he is recovering and in good health. I do get anxiety probably couple of times a day, usually over something stupid (like what I posed I thought that he left because his card was charged, but it actually was legit). I struggled with the fact that he called me every day and I felt obligated to pick up the phone. Then something changed. This is what I got from what he and his therapist told me. Do you think I am being lied to?
First of all, his therapist was supposed to leave to get a better job in some other place a week before AH was supposed to leave. She told me that. However, she was 'let go' earlier because according to him she was advocating for patients rights too much. AH said that the director told everyone she accepted the job earlier, but they don't buy it. Without going into whole lot of detail, the rehab advertised that they can detox a person from suboxone along with everything else. Come to find out this was not the case and this therapist basically had to pressure medical stuff for 'comfort meds' (like sleeping aid, immodium, etc) Honestly, I DONT CARE. I don't care how he recovers there, but I spoke to the therapist several times and I had no reason to not believe her.
Anyway, so AH tells me that he decided to share EVERYTHING, all the horrible stuff he did and it changed something inside him and he had a spiritual experience. And then he went basically to tell me how he knows what to do, etc. Honestly, about spiritual experience, ok, I mean I don't know, but I don't really believe everything else, just because I already heard it 100 times. Maybe he means it, but until I SEE it, I am not buying it. What makes it difficult is that this therapist basically tells me how AH is doing so good, how he is honest, and how he shared so much, and how he loves me, and she sees just this huge amount of progress. So she thinks that he needs to go home after these 40 days and do 6 months of IOP + get a sponsor and work recovery program for the rest of his life.
If AH told me this, I would say - you are trying to play me, to come home, so stay there longer, I don't know 90 days, 6 months, a year. I don't know how long. But this comes from the therapist. She says that he needs to stop being scared, he is ready, go get your recovery on.
I feel terrified that he will come back, relapse and die. Like his cousin. He is not on any meds now, detoxed from sub, he says himself next time if he does it he will die.
Now the therapist is gone and they assigned someone else to AH. I am going to talk to them tomorrow. I don't know. Yes, it is hard to do everything alone. But this horrible anxiety and PTSD kind of state of mind is not present most of the time. AH said that if I want him to, he will transition to sober living there, but if he wanted to get high he can get high there too. He said its his choice and he chooses sobriety and i just have to let him drive.
I am thinking if I do let him come back, I want him to sign my separation agreement, so if the crazy train starts, I will have ground to stand on and ask him to leave. I honestly do not know how I lived with him using all this time.
Sorry if this is long
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
Hello GDiva. I can relate to your post. My XABF just completed a 90 day IP rehab. They do not believe in any form of meds such as suboxone, etc. The program is based on the AA principles...working the steps for the individual to admit they are powerless to their addiction, believe in a "higher power", etc. If you google "AA Big Book", you will see all the steps I am talking about. He did everything they told him, participated in all activities, meetings, etc. and graduated with high praise from all. Was said to be the "model" of what recovery looks like. Even had me meet with his counselor, professed his love, all agreed he was ready, etc. He decided moving to a sober house was the best option for him. All he kept saying was how the program was an "honest program". I'm sure you can appreciate how happy I was to hear that after living with years of lies.
Well, the "honest" program I guess didn't apply when it came to "us". I caught him in a few lies, really about petty stuff, but lies none the less. When I called him on them, he dismissed me. That's it...he was done with me. Hadn't contacted me since. Never mind I was with him for years during all the craziness you experience with an addict, trying to show him love and compassion and support. And, as part of his program, you are to admit your wrongs, so to speak. I am quite certain he did not reveal all of his stuff, but that's his problem, not mine. I know that he did admit enough that he did say he had a "spiritual awakening" and it was powerful. This from a man that did not believe in any sort of God. So, it is quite possible your husband had this awakening, as well. The key to the AA program, though, is do they follow through. Recovery is a daily battle, they have to use the tools in rehab and fight hard to stay sober.
Of course, my heart is broken and I have to accept what is. I will start attending Naranon meetings again and look into Alanon. I don't know if you go to either or have other support, but I really encourage you to look into something for YOU. I read your post and can feel the anxiety you feel...so many unknows. You love him, you want to believe him probably more than anything. But, thinking about the "what ifs" or having to analyze is this truth or lie...is so unhealthy and no way to live. When he gets out, his actions will show you the truth.
Please, focus on YOU. I find it so hard to detach, but it's the only way I can stay sane. I'm almost done reading the AA Big Book just so I know how his program is supposed to work and it even has info for wives, family, loved ones on what to expect. I read last night that it will be a work in progress. If someone has been an addict for a long time, say for years, they aren't going to magically revert to their former "normal, honest, self".
I feel for you, I really do. Please take care, hugs to you!
Well, the "honest" program I guess didn't apply when it came to "us". I caught him in a few lies, really about petty stuff, but lies none the less. When I called him on them, he dismissed me. That's it...he was done with me. Hadn't contacted me since. Never mind I was with him for years during all the craziness you experience with an addict, trying to show him love and compassion and support. And, as part of his program, you are to admit your wrongs, so to speak. I am quite certain he did not reveal all of his stuff, but that's his problem, not mine. I know that he did admit enough that he did say he had a "spiritual awakening" and it was powerful. This from a man that did not believe in any sort of God. So, it is quite possible your husband had this awakening, as well. The key to the AA program, though, is do they follow through. Recovery is a daily battle, they have to use the tools in rehab and fight hard to stay sober.
Of course, my heart is broken and I have to accept what is. I will start attending Naranon meetings again and look into Alanon. I don't know if you go to either or have other support, but I really encourage you to look into something for YOU. I read your post and can feel the anxiety you feel...so many unknows. You love him, you want to believe him probably more than anything. But, thinking about the "what ifs" or having to analyze is this truth or lie...is so unhealthy and no way to live. When he gets out, his actions will show you the truth.
Please, focus on YOU. I find it so hard to detach, but it's the only way I can stay sane. I'm almost done reading the AA Big Book just so I know how his program is supposed to work and it even has info for wives, family, loved ones on what to expect. I read last night that it will be a work in progress. If someone has been an addict for a long time, say for years, they aren't going to magically revert to their former "normal, honest, self".
I feel for you, I really do. Please take care, hugs to you!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
GD, that all sounds very suspicious to me. That is a short amount of time in rehab in my opinion. And I think when you are there, in that controlled environment it is easier to stay clean. You are focusing on it all day with people there to support you through. It's their actual job. You come back out and into your same environment you were in, trigger...trigger. That is just my opinion of course.
I think it's a good idea to go ahead and do anything you need to do to secure your own future. The saying is always, plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Time will reveal a lot of things.
Tight hugs. Take good care of you!
I think it's a good idea to go ahead and do anything you need to do to secure your own future. The saying is always, plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best. Time will reveal a lot of things.
Tight hugs. Take good care of you!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
How much of this could be that you just don’t want him home?
How much is being driven by fear not only because his cousin died, but a fear of him relapsing, a fear that nothing really will change, and even a fear of what if he does change…
There is so much unknown in terms of him, but with yourself it should be about what you at this moment can live with. If you can’t have him home, then you can’t. And it’s true he can use in sober housing if he wanted to, but that is some ******** line and has no baring because it isn’t just about him. You need to be taken into consideration and if you don’t want him home then you don’t. If you need more time to work on you, then you do … and I think you may know you do. No for anything that work really does help end any confusion or inability to just know what we need for ourselves.
And if he is done as he says he is and willing to run with sobriety then what is the big deal where he goes from here … nothing should stop him from pursuing sobriety. And frankly his actions will show right away what his intentions are, and nothing will be about you … home, in sober housing, on the street homeless with have nothing to do with if he works on his sobriety or relapses.
One of the hardest things for me to work through was the fear of the death. That fear ran me for such a long time as if I had any control over it … like I could stop it. The fear had me paralyzed and so unsure of what to do, say … I really had to accept the reality of heroin to move past that and be able to function and not have it drive my reactions, my feelings and my actions …
Take good care of you.
How much is being driven by fear not only because his cousin died, but a fear of him relapsing, a fear that nothing really will change, and even a fear of what if he does change…
There is so much unknown in terms of him, but with yourself it should be about what you at this moment can live with. If you can’t have him home, then you can’t. And it’s true he can use in sober housing if he wanted to, but that is some ******** line and has no baring because it isn’t just about him. You need to be taken into consideration and if you don’t want him home then you don’t. If you need more time to work on you, then you do … and I think you may know you do. No for anything that work really does help end any confusion or inability to just know what we need for ourselves.
And if he is done as he says he is and willing to run with sobriety then what is the big deal where he goes from here … nothing should stop him from pursuing sobriety. And frankly his actions will show right away what his intentions are, and nothing will be about you … home, in sober housing, on the street homeless with have nothing to do with if he works on his sobriety or relapses.
One of the hardest things for me to work through was the fear of the death. That fear ran me for such a long time as if I had any control over it … like I could stop it. The fear had me paralyzed and so unsure of what to do, say … I really had to accept the reality of heroin to move past that and be able to function and not have it drive my reactions, my feelings and my actions …
Take good care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 65
Dear GD, I missed the last part about the separation agreement, I apologize. I agree with Hopeful, do what is necessary to protect yourself. Good points were made about being in a controlled rehab facility. His program coming out has got to be rock solid to fight through triggers. We have a program here that goes over relapse prevention, signs to look for, etc. What to expect when leaving rehab, etc. The facility here has it set up so that their clients can go back and talk to counselors, if needed and they also set up "after care" counseling outside the facility. I'd see what his plan is when he is out. Also, know that not all sober homes are created equal. Some are pretty strickt with rules, etc. offer counseling, help clients find work, require they do community service and attend a certain # of meetings (AA or NA), etc. While others, just provide a house and have very loose guidelines that aren't really enforced.
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Thank you, everyone. It has been hard couple of days for me, filled with anxiety and fear. I am very scared and angry. I don't know how to describe it other then I am angry that I feel this and it's because of AH. Even when he is away I feel anger. I don't trust him with. And its eating me inside. Does it make sense? We had what supposed to be a family therapy session over the phone today and it was bunch of BS. I don't know what to do still
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Originally Posted by zoso77 
glitter...what is best for you?
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Originally Posted by glitterdeva
Your question made me think, I have been thinking for over an hour. It's best for me to not feel this because these emotions are poisonos. I either have to let go, detach and hope for the best of tell him to not come, not now and maybe never. I feel so weak inside, like a little girl, what's best for me, should be an easy question, ah?
And you're not weak.
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