horriblethisis

I left my xah two years ago, and we've been divorced just one year (married for 25). He texted me and said he has one year of sobriety under his belt, and wants to take me to lunch to celebrate. The thing is, I have grown tremendously over the last two years, and I feel nothing for him. I was a codependent for so very long, and lost myself for so many years. I know in his mind, he thinks that if he stays sober, things will work out for us. However, I would rather be by myself, as the hurt still runs too deep and the trust will never be mended. Am I horrible and wrong for feeling this way? I feel for him, and I am glad that he is getting well, part of me still loves him, but I'm not in love with him.he makes me feel bad, tells me that I broke our vows when I left him. The thing is, I gave him so many chances and I just couldn't take it anymore, so at the time, It was like a light in my head just went off, and I was done. I was just done. I promised myself I would move forward with my life, find myself again, and never look back. I am in a much better place without him. Although I remember some of the good times, the bad times outweigh those. So, when he tells me he has a year of sobriety under his belt, I question myself and feel like I'm being a bad person for not standing by him. I shouldn't feel bad though right? I hope God will forgive me for wanting more out of life. Is it wrong to choose me for once?

biminiblue

I'm with you, when I'm done I'm done. I left you for a reason. I gave you many chances which you squandered. I'm still done.

I have never stayed friends with an ex - ever. If they contact me, I don't reply. The bond is irretrievably broken.

CodeJob

I'd just ignore the lunch request and wish him a sincere congrats. Then radio silence.

shinebright7

When my ex contacted me on FB saying I should call him because there was something he wanted to share with me, I was like puuulleeeeze. There was no way I was getting on the phone with him even when he lives on the other side of the country. Like Bimini said, we're done for a reason and I have no interest in staying connected in any way. Plus it enraged me that he wouldn't just say what the hell he wanted to talk to me about instead of saying he had something to share with me over the phone. Nope. Not gonna fall for it.

I did do what CodeJob suggested and wish him and his parents well then went radio silent.

AnvilheadII

I have troubles with the SHOULDS and SHOULDN'TS and the GOOD and BAD definition of what you feel.

whatever you feel, it is neither good or bad, it just is. there are no judges on the sidelines. if you don't want to go do this lunch, then don't. honor YOURSELF. he simply made an offer....you have total control over your response and if you want to say NO then do so. however HE feels.......he owns that part. you are no longer in charge of his emotional state!

horriblethisis

That is so true!!! I am no longer in charge of his emotional state...only my own! Thank you for that gentle reminder...

Twofish

Dear Horriblethisis,
I'm sorry the past has surfaced. That's ok, you are stronger and wiser now!
Anvil said it perfectly! She sure has the perfect way of supporting us!
You owe your XAH nothing, except maybe a congratulations on a one year
sobriety date, and you can say that over the phone? Nothing, you owe him nothing!
Trust your gut feelings on the 1 year celebration, keep the "guilt" out of your decision.
And may I say, congratulations to you! On finding your way out of the
codependency grip it had on you! Freedom and peace are yours!!
Enjoy your new found life, addiction drama free!
Hugs!
TF