LostMySparkle

My boyfriend is in rehab for heroin, just finished up his first week. Everyone thought he was doing really well. He detoxed, he said he liked his counselor and the group sessions that they go to and everything. Well I just talked to him last night and now he wants to leave early. Not today or anything, but definitely before the 30 days are up. He complains about the counselors being under qualified and how they don't want to listen and say everyone is wrong, one staff member threatened to hit a patient, there is nothing to do, he is going crazy, he doesn't trust them, etc. I can already see a positive change in him, but I want him to finish the 30 days. We have a child together and I just can't risk him coming out and then getting right back into the same routine. In my eyes, he is only fixing the physical problem and avoiding the mental problem (reasons why he got into drugs and keeps running to them). I don't know what to do to get him to understand that waiting it out is the best and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just crazy, if he's just crazy, if this is normal, basically I'm just lost.

hopeful4

I think that is pretty common behavior. You are not crazy, at all.

If his counselors speak to you, tell them your fears. Encourage him to open up to them about how he feels.

Take good care of you and your child.

LostMySparkle

Thank you for responding, I'm glad to know I'm not losing it.

I've tried telling him that to get through this, he needs to have an open mind and let go of everything he has been holding in. He says that he does not trust the staff and so he doesn't want to do the work they are asking of him (write/talk about his addiction, his life, etc.) even though I told him that's exactly what is holding him back. I'm going to try and talk to his counselors and let them know what's going on, but he is convinced that because they are "under qualified" in his eyes (the rehab hires a lot of former patients, so many aren't established doctors with degrees), they can't help him with his problems and he will be able to work them out better outside of the rehab.

I agree with him on only one thing, he says that they just want to prescribe medication constantly to the patients, they were trying to give him Valium which he didn't want, and I think that is best that he avoids it so he doesn't get addicted to that in the process. I just don't know the best way to handle everything with him and how to talk to the staff about what is going on.

zoso77

Underqualified relative to who and where?

Listen to what?

One thing that you need to keep in mind is half of the patients in any rehab or hospital are likely not committed to recovery. They're in there to either shut someone up, or to get away from someone, etc..

Another thing you have to keep in mind is your boyfriend is likely being told things he doesn't want to hear, and the staff may be calling him out on BS. It is difficult for anyone to look at their own shortcomings, but it is especially difficult for an addict because the biggest lies they tell are often to themselves.

I hope he stays in for full 30 days, but if he doesn't, that doesn't mean you have to allow him home.

Marcus

Not every rehab is perfect, but you will find MANY of them do hire recovering addicts (who have been through substance abuse courses and have a lot of clean time). There are also non-addict college grads who have had coursework and are licensed substance abuse counselors. There are also a few doctors around too for medical issues, but rarely lead groups (maybe a large lecture now and again, but not in my experience). Unless we are talking Hazeltine which I sure as heck could not afford - might be a bit different there.

I never had meds pushed on me (especially not valium), but sleep can be a MAJOR issue for those coming off opiates so things like Trazadone for sleep were prescribed if you were having major sleep problems. They were prescribed by the doctor and then given out by registered nurses who made sure you were taking the meds.

You want to know who I learned the most from at rehab? The recovering addicts leading groups. They just seemed to get it . They related to me WAY more than that guy who went to college for several years and took substance abuse courses. Now I am not saying this is always the case. I have had some great therapists and substances abuse counselors outside of rehab (many of whom later did share they were recovering addicts). I think it is just that kind of field.

Positive change GREAT, but one week? Do you know how many people WANT to get to rehab, but don't have access or funding to get there? I looked at rehab as my chance to finally do things right and leaving early was just not an option. Lets be honest while it is not a 1 month vacation it isn't hard labor or anything. Okay if there were nighttime rituals and beatings maybe I would have gotten the heck out of there, but I have a feeling he is overstating what is going on. Again just my feeling. For his sake I hope he sticks it out. Not having access to opiates for a period of 30-days is a great head start in recovery. He will have plenty of time to pick up the pieces once he returns home.

bravejourney

I am literally going thru the exact same situation with my brother. Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom. But I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. And I feel crazy too. It's awful when you start believing their messed up thinking. They can be so damn convincing!!!

LostMySparkle

My thoughts exactly. I want him to understand that he can learn a lot from this experience. I have told him that he needs to make the most of it because it was so hard to get him in there. Not because he didn't want to go, but because we have never been able to afford it.

We don't have insurance and so he has never been able to go. Then I found one that was a little more affordable than most and found a family member willing to help with the cost, so I really want him to spend the full thirty days in there. I keep trying to get him to understand that and it's not getting through.

Especially because he is talking to the other patients, most of the court ordered or forced in by parents, who are filling his head with all of the bad things about the rehab. Some of what he talks about hasn't even happened to him, its what other patients are telling him (not getting passes to leave, counselors making patients feel stupid). He doesn't understand that most of them have insurance paying for their stay and other reasons forcing them to be there. He went voluntarily, even suggested it. Now that he is in there, his mindset is changing and I don't know what to say to him.

He keeps asking how long I want him to stay in, then when I say the full time, he gets upset. He wants me to sneak in his phone, even though he says he won't use it to call anyone. Then what is the point of sneaking it in? To get in trouble and get kicked out? He calls me whenever they have free time to use the phones and it is the same conversation every time. "I want to leave, I'm lonely, this place is terrible, sneak in my phone, they can't help me."

LostMySparkle

It's a roller coaster. I stay up all night thinking about what to say and do, basically writing out a speech and game plan. Then the second I talk to him, it's like starting all over again. Every conversation erased, every point and reason destroyed. I just want him to understand what's going on and how great everything can be once we get past this point, but it's one step forward and two steps back every day. I think that's why forums like these exist, so we can find other people to let us know that we are not the crazy ones, we don't have the problem.

It's always the same stories, just different names.

ladyscribbler

You don't have to answer the phone just to listen to him complain and try to manipulate you. If he realizes that you are going to stick to your boundary and he has no place else to go then he might be more willing to stick out the 30 days.
Are you doing anything for yourself while he's away? Naranon or Alanon meetings?

hopeful4

You may find that it is time to give yourself some space. I personally don't think there should be much contact with the addict while they are in rehab, for this reason. They need to work on themselves, you need to work on you. I hope you get some much needed peace! I encourage you to seek Naranon or Celebrate Recovery for your own healing!

kj3880

It's hilarious to me that we addicts will trust anyone on a street corner with a gelcap to sell that they really put our drug of choice inside of it instead of draino or rat-poison. And then we come to a certified rehab facility full of professionals who have more degrees than a thermometer and we try to say we have trust issues. WHAT??? Where were those trust issues when we were giving our money to 15-year-old runners or the toothless prostitutes who were copping drugs for us? Like I said, it's so funny to me. We get a couple of days clean and think we know everything about recovery when we don't even know how much we don't know yet!

If it were me, I'd tell him, you don't have to stay there for the full 30 days, but you can't come here without your graduation certificate. After all, if we can't stay clean in the sanitized environment of a rehab, we have little chance in the real world.

LostMySparkle

Well, things are still up and down. One minute he is saying how good things are going, the next he is back to wanting to leave early. Saying he will do whatever I say and he wants to get some shot that they said helps with recovery and wants us to go to counseling together.

I've noticed his attitude change even more about wanting to leave early since his mom found out which rehab he is at. I didn't involve her because she is an extremely negative person and I didn't think he needed that. As soon as she found out where he was, she just called to complain about how I don't let her see our child (for other reasons that started before he went to rehab, she hasn't been able to see our child for some time now).

I feel like she is just a major trigger in his life, because now that she found him and called, then had his sister call (who started problems as well) the following day, he has been even more negative about rehab and says we need to handle all of our problems outside of rehab.

The way the phones in the rehab are set up, I don't think there is any way to prevent her from calling. I just feel like she is hindering his recovery. She doesn't want us together because then she thinks she will have more control over our child. I honestly don't think she even cares if it happens with her son sober or not.

I don't know if I'm just worrying too much or if she is going to affect his recovery. I just feel like calling to complain about her own problems instead of letting him deal with his in rehab is not helping anyone. She knows that he is vulnerable right now and I feel like she will just try and convince him to leave early and come stay with her since I am the "mean person" telling him he needs to stay in rehab when he could be out here working on his problems and still getting to see his child every day.

ladyscribbler

His family isn't your problem. His relationship with his mom isn't your problem. Protecting your child from an active heroin addict IS your problem. Keep the focus on you and your child. Let him worry about his recovery and let his mom worry about her negativity.
Get some support for yourself. Listening to him whine seems stressful and pointless, so maybe you could limit phone calls to once a week or so.

secondwind

This senerio of wanting to leave rehab early is one most of use with addicted loved ones have experienced.

They have been through detox and are starting to feel better.. so they are ready to leave.. either to start doing drugs again or because of a common feeling that no one understands them / rehab can't help them.

I had to let Addicted One know that I would not have contact with him in rehab if he was going to talk about leaving early or asked me to break rehab rules. I would end conversations if that was not respected.

Addicted One knew if he wanted to leave early he could not return to my home. Maybe his mother will take him in if he wants to leave early.

Loved ones CAN (not always) make very bad therapists... I had to learn I wasn't helpful in trying to teach or show the way.
I found I was most helpful when I listened without responding and I showed my growth in giving my bottom lines.

Not responding kept me from feeding into his delusions and giving him ammo. Again topics of leaving early were off limits.

"I love you and want a life with you... but I will not allow drug use in my home or around children. To come home you must complete rehab and become self supporting and clean in a sober living environment for six months." This was my bottom line.

This was supportive and helpful my Addicted One but mainly it was helpful for me. That was what I was truly in charge of.

Ileana

I had a very similar situation with my daughter. It started out the same, all is great, blah, blah. About 1 week in, the complaints started. Small at first but each day, each week brought newer and greater complaints. She knew the exact right moment and exactly what to say to get me alarmed. Luckily for her and for me rather than jump in to save her, I allowed the process to work. I called her counselor and he suggested that she could only call me during individual session time. That way he controlled the conversation.

Her counselor told me that my daughter not only needed "an out" but needed me to agree with that "out". Meaning, her complaints were basically manipulation that would allow her to leave early and have me be ok with her decision to leave early.

Aside from the fact that we would end up right where we were before she entered, the other problem was that she was spending her days on how to "work me" and not on working her program.

WELL...let me tell you, she did not like this new rule and went on one of her 'tantrums", punching a hole in a wall, locking herself in the bathroom, etc. (Luckily she was in a private rehab, a public rehab who would have tossed her out on her ear).

I don't know your boyfriend but if even for one iota you think he may be doing the same thing. CALL his counselor privately and explain the situation.

Our daughter stayed til the end and went to sober living afterward. If I had not had her counselors support I would have caved. Good luck.

Ileana

"I agree with him on only one thing, he says that they just want to prescribe medication constantly to the patients, they were trying to give him Valium which he didn't want, and I think that is best that he avoids it so he doesn't get addicted to that in the process. I just don't know the best way to handle everything with him and how to talk to the staff about what is going on."

See.... he knows exactly what to say to "alarm you". Call the counselor and ask if they really are trying to give him valium.

LostMySparkle

Yeah, it's a constant back and forth with him. He wants to leave early, then he says he will stick it out. He says he respects me and how I feel about everything, then wants me to sneak his phone in.

Another thing I was curious about, wondering if anyone has any insight, is it common for someone to cheat on their significant other while in rehab? And if it happens, how do you deal with it? Like do you forgive them because of the circumstances or move on and never look back? It hasn't happened, but I've thought about it and want to know how others handle it.

hopeful4

It's quite common for a person to cheat in rehab, depending on the caliber and rules of the rehab.

I don't think it's ok to cheat just b/c someone is in rehab. Cheating is a completely different issue than addiction. Just my .02

I still think you should not have so much communication with him. It's not good for you.